Greybird
October 27th, 2007, 01:47 PM
Geeze, what a year. Lemme tell ya, with purely altruistic intent, that I really think it should be somebody else's turn to carry around the suck for a while.
A little background: I'm a 34 year old man. I'm on full disability because of several conditions (social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder) arising from growing up with undiagnosed (until a couple of years ago) Asperger's Syndrome. That's fine. It is just who I am, and I've made the best of it. The particular combination of problems I have, if you think about it, don't cause me much of a problem unless I'm out and away from home. At home, I'm just like everybody else (well, a little eccentric, but still.) I like to think I'm a decent person. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. I help others whenever I'm able. I take pride in being a 'good person.'
I was married for twelve years, and spent the last six as a full-time stay-at-home dad for two kids, currently 4 and 6, the eldest of whom is mildly autistic. <ego> I loved being a homemaker, and was damned good at it. I received numerous compliments from my eldest's therapists and teachers in regards to my parenting.</ego> We weren't wealthy, but we got by and even had a little bit of money for birthdays and the occasional meal out.
Everything started collapsing this year. Early on in 2007 my wife started acting a bit odd. She was distant, irritable, even unfriendly. When I finally confronted her about it, she told me that she was leaving me for a woman, a mutual friend. She was genuinely sorry, but her feelings had 'changed toward men' and she couldn't live there not loving me. She moved out the day before my birthday in April.
I appreciated her honesty. Her feelings had changed, and that wasn't something she could control or would have chosen. When they did, she was honest rather than deceiving me, and I could respect that. As such, through the divorce we remained close and the best of friends. We agreed of full joint custody - she took the tax exemption, but on every other aspect of the parenting we shared equally.
Unfortunately, it put me in a bad spot. When she left, 3/4 of the income went with her. My disability, after taxes, come to $469 a month, which wasn't even enough to pay for my rent and utilities, let alone food, gas, and expenses. I spent the next six months living off of my savings, draining it dry while checked option after option after option. I minimized my utility usage. I turned off or canceled every unnecessary expense - cable TV, for instance (the internet is the only frivolous thing I've allowed myself.) I applied for every program I could apply for. My savings drained dry and I cut back even more. Right now, I've reached a point at which I aalmost breaking even, meaning that I can eat and pay the rent at the same time. I don't have any extra money - I don't eat out, I limit my driving to necessary errands.
I made plans to return to college this spring and finish my degree so that I'd have somewhere to turn after disability, but wasn't able to afford the move this summer. I planned on returning in the winter.
My ex-wife and I remained close friends. She helped me out whenever she could and provided moral support. She's a good person. She is always willing to help, and she puts everything on the line for her kids, fighting to ensure they have what they need. Since I'm something of a recluse, I don't have many social contacts. My parents and grandparents are all gone, and the only other relatives I'm even remotely close to live 2,500 miles from here. Her support meant everything.
In the last month or so I had reached a point where things, while not going well, were tolerable. I was surviving. I'd adapted to losing my wife. I'd adapted to losing my family. I'd adapted to being alone most of the time. I had a generally positive outlook on life, and was finally stable enough to focus on making things better instead of just surviving.
Recently, she had decided that she'd made a mistake, and was testing the waters in regards to getting back together. I was a little cautious, but the very possibility of getting my family back was wonderful.
So, yesterday I call my ex-wife at work (she's a pharmacy technician) to ask her something. I ask to speak to her, and her boss says, "That won't be possible, I'm sorry" and hangs up. I'm confused. Late that evening she knocks on the door sobbing.
It seems she has a few secrets.
A couple of years ago she had some surgery on her leg, and they had her on some pretty strong painkillers. She got hooked, and was receiving treatment for the addiction.
What I didn't know was that a couple of years ago she bumped into someone she used to know from school. She admitted her drug problem to him. She was in a tough spot at the time, and he asked her to sell him a couple of her pills. She said yes, and everything went down hill from there. The next time he asked, she said no. He told her that he'd call her boss and report her addiction. All they'd have to do is check her prescription records and she'd lose her job. She was afraid, and she agreed. This went on for several months.
Finally, she told him that enough was enough, that it wasn't going to happen anymore. At that point he told her that it would continue or she'd find her kids (my kids) dead, and made threats toward me as well. She continued.
Last night when she showed up at my door, it was to tell me that she had been arrested and charged with two felony counts. She has lost her job, she lost her technician's license, and with that, she lost her career. She is looking at a potential of between six months and six years in prison. She has lost access to 60% of the job opportunities that she had before.
She turned in the person that she was giving the drugs to, the person who threatened both me and my children. He doesn't know yet. They want her to wear a wire and help them get him for felony intimidation as well as drug possession. If anything, anything at all goes wrong, this person could be even more of a danger to me and my children than he already is. If he finds out ahead of time, if they fail to convict, if he's paroled.
So, in the last 24 hours, on top of everything else, I've lost my main source of moral support and my best friend, I've lost the chance to get my family back together, I've likely become a full time single parent to two kids while on disability when I was barely able to get by on my own, I've lost the opportunity to return to college for the foreseeable future, and now both me and my children may be in danger.
Needless to say, 2007 hasn't been a very good year for me.
What really gets me is how dishonest she was toward me. She never told me any of this. People were making threats toward me and my children and she never told me! I'd worked as a corrections officer, a bouncer, in corporate security, and as an armed contractor before my disability became a problem. Throughout my career I've earned combat certification with pistol, rifle, and shotgun, several types of chemical deterrents, and can hold my own unarmed. I can keep my house, myself, and my children safe. She knows that. I cannot, however, keep them safe if I don't know there is a threat!
I didn't sleep much last night.
I worked in a maximum security/supermax prison. I know what she's in for, and I know how unprepared for it she is. I am terrified for her, for what it may do to her, not to mention her losing her kids for months or years. On the other hand, she has lied to me, endangered my entire family, and committed a crime that I personally consider abhorrent. She doesn't seem to be able to get a handle on herself, and having some real consequences may be exactly what she needs.
My kids just went through a divorce. They were yanked out of the only home they'd ever known and their father (that'd be me) went from their 24/7 provider to someone they went to visit. Now they may be yanked out of their new home and school, be back with their father, and get to see their mother once every two months. My eldest son is, as I mentioned, mildly autistic. Autistic people don't deal with change very well. Now I may have to explain to him that he won't be getting to see Mommy anymore because she is in prison.
I'm on the list, too. I kicked butt as a full time stay-at-home dad. I did, however, have my wife there to handle certain issues that cause me a problem with my disability. It will be very, very difficult for me to take over some of those tasks, and I know from experience that I'll pay the price, health-wise, for forcing myself to do them (I won't let them go undone.) I mentioned before that I have Asperger's. That's a form of autism itself, in case you didn't know that. As I said a minute ago, autistic people don't deal with change very well. It takes me a long time to adapt to a change, and this will be a number of severe changes, some of which are in the 'hardest' category for me. I am terrified, as in 'physical pain' terrified.
On a more personal level, I am both angry and hurt. She was the only person I completely trusted, and she lied to me, about a lot of things, and about some very serious things. I've got that 'knife between the shoulder blades' feeling going. I find myself wondering what else I've been lied to about. What else did her friend intimidate her into doing? How many more knives are sticking out of my back? I don't know that she did anything else, but with recent revelations, I have to wonder.
To be honest, more than angry, more than hurt, I'm just tired. I'm out of go. I'm a very positive, very optimistic person. I've had to be. I grew up with a condition that made me subtly different from everyone around me without knowing it, which means that I grew up facing the constant hatred and derision that people, especially kids, show those who are different. My mother died when I was a child, and my father had given up on trying before I was ten. I grew up alternating between nice homes and homeless shelters, between living with relatives and living on the street, and that was before I was even a teenager. It was a constant battle to keep going.
By the time I had become an adult, all of this had resulted in all of the phobias that resulted in my disability. Every time I went out the front door, I was facing phobias. Every time I went to work or to the grocery store, it was like a person with a fear of heights climbing a ladder because he had to. All of that is still true. The fears aren't any less today - I've just learned to recognize them for what they are, and have thus gotten better at facing them.
This isn't meant to be a woe-is-me. I've lived a good life. I've learned to take joy in what I have rather than what I wish I had. I've learned to take joy in the challenges themselves. Nonetheless, every part of it has been a battle, fought uphill, and I am just worn out. Now this current mess has landed on me, and I'm back at the bottom of the hill again, looking up. It is really, really tough to get the energy together to start up the hill again.
A little background: I'm a 34 year old man. I'm on full disability because of several conditions (social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder) arising from growing up with undiagnosed (until a couple of years ago) Asperger's Syndrome. That's fine. It is just who I am, and I've made the best of it. The particular combination of problems I have, if you think about it, don't cause me much of a problem unless I'm out and away from home. At home, I'm just like everybody else (well, a little eccentric, but still.) I like to think I'm a decent person. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. I help others whenever I'm able. I take pride in being a 'good person.'
I was married for twelve years, and spent the last six as a full-time stay-at-home dad for two kids, currently 4 and 6, the eldest of whom is mildly autistic. <ego> I loved being a homemaker, and was damned good at it. I received numerous compliments from my eldest's therapists and teachers in regards to my parenting.</ego> We weren't wealthy, but we got by and even had a little bit of money for birthdays and the occasional meal out.
Everything started collapsing this year. Early on in 2007 my wife started acting a bit odd. She was distant, irritable, even unfriendly. When I finally confronted her about it, she told me that she was leaving me for a woman, a mutual friend. She was genuinely sorry, but her feelings had 'changed toward men' and she couldn't live there not loving me. She moved out the day before my birthday in April.
I appreciated her honesty. Her feelings had changed, and that wasn't something she could control or would have chosen. When they did, she was honest rather than deceiving me, and I could respect that. As such, through the divorce we remained close and the best of friends. We agreed of full joint custody - she took the tax exemption, but on every other aspect of the parenting we shared equally.
Unfortunately, it put me in a bad spot. When she left, 3/4 of the income went with her. My disability, after taxes, come to $469 a month, which wasn't even enough to pay for my rent and utilities, let alone food, gas, and expenses. I spent the next six months living off of my savings, draining it dry while checked option after option after option. I minimized my utility usage. I turned off or canceled every unnecessary expense - cable TV, for instance (the internet is the only frivolous thing I've allowed myself.) I applied for every program I could apply for. My savings drained dry and I cut back even more. Right now, I've reached a point at which I aalmost breaking even, meaning that I can eat and pay the rent at the same time. I don't have any extra money - I don't eat out, I limit my driving to necessary errands.
I made plans to return to college this spring and finish my degree so that I'd have somewhere to turn after disability, but wasn't able to afford the move this summer. I planned on returning in the winter.
My ex-wife and I remained close friends. She helped me out whenever she could and provided moral support. She's a good person. She is always willing to help, and she puts everything on the line for her kids, fighting to ensure they have what they need. Since I'm something of a recluse, I don't have many social contacts. My parents and grandparents are all gone, and the only other relatives I'm even remotely close to live 2,500 miles from here. Her support meant everything.
In the last month or so I had reached a point where things, while not going well, were tolerable. I was surviving. I'd adapted to losing my wife. I'd adapted to losing my family. I'd adapted to being alone most of the time. I had a generally positive outlook on life, and was finally stable enough to focus on making things better instead of just surviving.
Recently, she had decided that she'd made a mistake, and was testing the waters in regards to getting back together. I was a little cautious, but the very possibility of getting my family back was wonderful.
So, yesterday I call my ex-wife at work (she's a pharmacy technician) to ask her something. I ask to speak to her, and her boss says, "That won't be possible, I'm sorry" and hangs up. I'm confused. Late that evening she knocks on the door sobbing.
It seems she has a few secrets.
A couple of years ago she had some surgery on her leg, and they had her on some pretty strong painkillers. She got hooked, and was receiving treatment for the addiction.
What I didn't know was that a couple of years ago she bumped into someone she used to know from school. She admitted her drug problem to him. She was in a tough spot at the time, and he asked her to sell him a couple of her pills. She said yes, and everything went down hill from there. The next time he asked, she said no. He told her that he'd call her boss and report her addiction. All they'd have to do is check her prescription records and she'd lose her job. She was afraid, and she agreed. This went on for several months.
Finally, she told him that enough was enough, that it wasn't going to happen anymore. At that point he told her that it would continue or she'd find her kids (my kids) dead, and made threats toward me as well. She continued.
Last night when she showed up at my door, it was to tell me that she had been arrested and charged with two felony counts. She has lost her job, she lost her technician's license, and with that, she lost her career. She is looking at a potential of between six months and six years in prison. She has lost access to 60% of the job opportunities that she had before.
She turned in the person that she was giving the drugs to, the person who threatened both me and my children. He doesn't know yet. They want her to wear a wire and help them get him for felony intimidation as well as drug possession. If anything, anything at all goes wrong, this person could be even more of a danger to me and my children than he already is. If he finds out ahead of time, if they fail to convict, if he's paroled.
So, in the last 24 hours, on top of everything else, I've lost my main source of moral support and my best friend, I've lost the chance to get my family back together, I've likely become a full time single parent to two kids while on disability when I was barely able to get by on my own, I've lost the opportunity to return to college for the foreseeable future, and now both me and my children may be in danger.
Needless to say, 2007 hasn't been a very good year for me.
What really gets me is how dishonest she was toward me. She never told me any of this. People were making threats toward me and my children and she never told me! I'd worked as a corrections officer, a bouncer, in corporate security, and as an armed contractor before my disability became a problem. Throughout my career I've earned combat certification with pistol, rifle, and shotgun, several types of chemical deterrents, and can hold my own unarmed. I can keep my house, myself, and my children safe. She knows that. I cannot, however, keep them safe if I don't know there is a threat!
I didn't sleep much last night.
I worked in a maximum security/supermax prison. I know what she's in for, and I know how unprepared for it she is. I am terrified for her, for what it may do to her, not to mention her losing her kids for months or years. On the other hand, she has lied to me, endangered my entire family, and committed a crime that I personally consider abhorrent. She doesn't seem to be able to get a handle on herself, and having some real consequences may be exactly what she needs.
My kids just went through a divorce. They were yanked out of the only home they'd ever known and their father (that'd be me) went from their 24/7 provider to someone they went to visit. Now they may be yanked out of their new home and school, be back with their father, and get to see their mother once every two months. My eldest son is, as I mentioned, mildly autistic. Autistic people don't deal with change very well. Now I may have to explain to him that he won't be getting to see Mommy anymore because she is in prison.
I'm on the list, too. I kicked butt as a full time stay-at-home dad. I did, however, have my wife there to handle certain issues that cause me a problem with my disability. It will be very, very difficult for me to take over some of those tasks, and I know from experience that I'll pay the price, health-wise, for forcing myself to do them (I won't let them go undone.) I mentioned before that I have Asperger's. That's a form of autism itself, in case you didn't know that. As I said a minute ago, autistic people don't deal with change very well. It takes me a long time to adapt to a change, and this will be a number of severe changes, some of which are in the 'hardest' category for me. I am terrified, as in 'physical pain' terrified.
On a more personal level, I am both angry and hurt. She was the only person I completely trusted, and she lied to me, about a lot of things, and about some very serious things. I've got that 'knife between the shoulder blades' feeling going. I find myself wondering what else I've been lied to about. What else did her friend intimidate her into doing? How many more knives are sticking out of my back? I don't know that she did anything else, but with recent revelations, I have to wonder.
To be honest, more than angry, more than hurt, I'm just tired. I'm out of go. I'm a very positive, very optimistic person. I've had to be. I grew up with a condition that made me subtly different from everyone around me without knowing it, which means that I grew up facing the constant hatred and derision that people, especially kids, show those who are different. My mother died when I was a child, and my father had given up on trying before I was ten. I grew up alternating between nice homes and homeless shelters, between living with relatives and living on the street, and that was before I was even a teenager. It was a constant battle to keep going.
By the time I had become an adult, all of this had resulted in all of the phobias that resulted in my disability. Every time I went out the front door, I was facing phobias. Every time I went to work or to the grocery store, it was like a person with a fear of heights climbing a ladder because he had to. All of that is still true. The fears aren't any less today - I've just learned to recognize them for what they are, and have thus gotten better at facing them.
This isn't meant to be a woe-is-me. I've lived a good life. I've learned to take joy in what I have rather than what I wish I had. I've learned to take joy in the challenges themselves. Nonetheless, every part of it has been a battle, fought uphill, and I am just worn out. Now this current mess has landed on me, and I'm back at the bottom of the hill again, looking up. It is really, really tough to get the energy together to start up the hill again.