sleeping arrangements

[Cat]

I need help.

dd4 (almost 5) has taken to asking to sleep in the bed with me. Dh hates that and always says no when he is here. Problem is, he's travelling again these days.

I'd like to say yes. I like the idea of co-sleeping. But I can't get to sleep with dd in the bed. if she s asleep when I get to bed, it's okay till she wakes up, but as soon as she is up, she wakes me. I'm not talking about in the morning, either. I'm talking about her waking me up at 1 am to tell me the time (twice), and then a third time to give me a kiss. Talking to her about not waking me up has been ineffective--there is NO WAY to shut that child up; if she's awake, she's talking.

I've tried this a few times, and it's a disaster. Because I have been inconsistent, dd is now asking to sleep with me every night and waking me up about twice a night to ask again.

This does not improve my mood.

Anyway, I've parented myself into a corner and frustrated my poor girl. Can anyone fix this for me? I don't care where she sleeps when dh is away, just so long as I get some rest.

[Ceres]

Oh dont be silly! You havent parented yourself into a corner! :)

The sleeping arrangement issue is such a hot button issue that parents get very tense about it, but it doesnt have to be an all or nothing proposition at the age your daughter is at. She IS old enough to understand that you need quiet at night and since you are responding to her need for comfort by being there for her, she needs to compromise too by respecting what you need. Explain during the day about not being able to get back to sleep after she wakes you and how you dont mind that she needs your company at night, but that YOU need quiet. Do it several days in a row, even a few times each day. When she wakes you at night, shush her and gently say "we talked about this - no talking when its nighttime" and just repeat that when she tries to talk.

On the issue of co sleeping when your husband is home, she is also old enough to understand that there isnt room in your bed for her and that this is yours and your husband's bed. She has her own bed too. Tell her is she feels she needs to be close during the night, thats okay, but it doesnt mean you or your husband should give up your bed. Slide a piece of foam under your bed and tell her if she needs to be close at night, thats HER bed in your room to use if she needs it. She might accept this but if she fights it, calmly give the choice between that in her bed and walk her back to her own bed if neccessary.

Decide what you want and firmly, calmly and lovingly insist on it.

[Chesna]

Decide what you want and firmly, calmly and lovingly insist on it.

This sums up what Iwas going to say. If you decide to co-sleep then do that, if you decide not to then stick to it. I find kids like routine and knowing what is what. If you decide that she is a big girl and needs to sleep in her room then establish a bed time routine and if she comes into your room as long as it is not for nightmare or storm comfort, gently put her back to bed.
All it will take is a bit of consistency.
Good Luck!!

Chesna

[Cat]

If you decide to co-sleep then do that, if you decide not to then stick to it.Chesna

I think that right there sums up my problem. I haven't made a decision, and I feel like I can't without knowing what it would be like to co-sleep without being disturbed. Also, I see now that I need to talk to dh so we can come to an agreement about sleeping arrangements and speak to dd on the same page.

So at least I have a first step in place. Any additional thoughts/opinions will be welcome.

[Sun Sprite]

When talking to your hubby, you also need to agree on when it will no longer be okay for co-sleeping, if you choose to do it. Your daughter needs to be aware of that time as well.

My opinions on this are complex - before central heat, families did co-sleep for body heat during the winter. It also lead to an increased chance of disease, including colds and flus being spread as the people were always in such close contact with each other. In today's society, "most" kids grow up in their own sterile rooms, never witnessing mom and dad's private time. Therefore, they don't have their parents teaching them what is and is not okay, that can lead to it's own problems as they grow up and don't know how to react around a potential partner. However, as a kid, your daughter may be going to public school, and you don't want her telling her friends and teachers she sleeps with her parents, as that can cause serious issues. Personally, I wouldn't take the risk of being arrested because someone misunderstood something my five year old said.

As for your choice, yes decide together, and stick to it. If you choose to do it, make sure your daughter understands that while not a "dirty" secret, it is not something to be mentioned at all to friends, family, or teachers.

[Morr]

I think the fact that she keep disturbing your sleep when you co sleep says more than enough.

I don't know about you'but I like my sleep. If its not working out -- just let her sleep in her own room. If she gets upset over that -- too bad, you make the rules. She'll soon get over it and you'll both get your sleep.


As for the comment about kids who don't co sleep NOT learning behavior around potential partners when they are older... I personally think that my kid seeing my husband and I have sex in the same bed she is sleeping in would screw with her head more than anything. When she is old enough to understand, hubby and I intend to answer all her Qs about relationships and sex. Sex ed is the answer to an educated youth making the right decisions and choices about sex and relationships. Plus seeing myself and her dad interact on a daily basis as a husband and wife, and as parents, is more than enough for her to understand the nature of relationships and the meaning of a marriage. I don't think she needs to see what happens in our bedroom. So unless its a storm or a nightmare, there will be no co-sleeping in our house, and our kid will be okay. Hell, she is 9 weeks old and already sleeping in her crib very well for the majority of the night (wakes up once or twice to eat, then goes right back to sleep in her crib). She adjusts very well, and there is no reason for her to sleep in our bed. She gets plenty of cuddle time during the day with both of us.

Plus, I'd just be scared of crushing her LOL

Sorry for the rant..

But seriously, if its not working out -- Whats the point of insisting on co-sleeping? And if your hubby doesn't approve and you don't let her sleep with you in bed when he is around, why break that pattern? It will only cause further confusion for your daughter, and a lot more tantrums to deal with when she doesn't get to sleep in bed with you when your hubby gets back, or when you make the decision to stop co-sleeping all together.

Just my 2 cents of course.

Good luck!

[RainInanna]

As for the comment about kids who don't co sleep NOT learning behavior around potential partners when they are older... I personally think that my kid seeing my husband and I have sex in the same bed she is sleeping in would screw with her head more than anything.

I rather think Sun Sprite was referring to kids getting so little quality time with family these days that they don't learn how to create and foster great relationships (between children and adults, adults together, etc.), not having sex with baby in bed. Having spoken to a few folks who choose co-sleeping, they simply point out the bed is not the only place to have sex.

I have no advice beyond what the wonderful folks here have already posted. I rarely bring the baby into bed when my spouse is on nights, only because he's very mobile and I'm paranoid about him falling out of our bed. I brought him to bed a few times in the first few weeks when we were all so sleep deprived I figured any sleep at all for us was better then missing out. But we've been really lucky I know - our little boy sleeps much better then a lot of babies his age. I count my lucky stars. You can bet if he hadn't started sleeping through the night consistently at 8 weeks I'd need sleep enough to do whatever it took.

You just have to choose whatever works for you. I trust the little ones will be able to adjust once consistency is used and mommy and daddy make whichever choice feels best.

[Morr]

That makes more sense.

But still, we make a point to have quality time in the evenings when mommy and daddy are home, and during weekends.

So if that is the concern here, I think family time, cuddle time, etc can be adjusted to out of bed situations. How about both mommy and daddy tucking in the child, reading her a story, singing her songs, etc.

Again, just my 2 cents.

[Brigid Rowan]

What if instead of night time in the bed with you n hubby, the child could join you in the mornings? Maybe something like "as soon as you see the sun, you can get in our bed for snuggle time"..or buy an alarm and set it for 20 minutes early, and when she hears it go off, she can join you and dad?

[RainInanna]

What if instead of night time in the bed with you n hubby, the child could join you in the mornings? Maybe something like "as soon as you see the sun, you can get in our bed for snuggle time"..or buy an alarm and set it for 20 minutes early, and when she hears it go off, she can join you and dad?

Ah, I can't find it now but I did see a "parent hack" wherein they bought a special digital clock for the child's room, and cut out a number written on construction paper. They told the child when the first number on the clock matched the number on the paper that they'd taped on it, they could [do whatever]. In this case they were using 4pm as time to get up from a nap, but no doubt you could try writing a 7 say and telling her she can crawl into bed with you when the clock matches that number?

[Ceres]

So if that is the concern here, I think family time, cuddle time, etc can be adjusted to out of bed situations.

Or it can be facilitated through co sleeping. Each parent needs to decide for themselves how they want to spend their time with their child.

Cat has never said she doesnt want to co sleep, just that she would like ideas for how to make it run more smoothly. Much like any mother who absolutely didnt want to co sleep might ask for advice on how to arrange so the baby sleep longer and more happily in a crib. That mother would be very offended if anyone tried to change her mind about what she already decided works best for her family.

[Ceres]

Ah, I can't find it now but I did see a "parent hack" wherein they bought a special digital clock for the child's room, and cut out a number written on construction paper. They told the child when the first number on the clock matched the number on the paper that they'd taped on it, they could [do whatever]. In this case they were using 4pm as time to get up from a nap, but no doubt you could try writing a 7 say and telling her she can crawl into bed with you when the clock matches that number?
Thats a great idea! The idea of telling the child to wait till the sun comes up is quite common amoung the co sleeping set, but doesnt work so well in Northern places in fall and winter where the family is usually all up before the sun rises anyway :lol:

[Brigid Rowan]

Thats a great idea! The idea of telling the child to wait till the sun comes up is quite common amoung the co sleeping set, but doesnt work so well in Northern places in fall and winter where the family is usually all up before the sun rises anyway :lol:

LOL..true enough. I am a co-sleeper, the baby always started the night in their crib, and came to our bed at some point around 1-3 am...they'd call out, hubby fetched them, and they'd snuggle in happily for a little nursing and warmth.

Everyone got a "big kid" bed sometime around age 2-3, and by then, none of them slept with us anymore (unless they were not feeling well), but often enough, I'd find them asleep in a siblings bed by morning, piled in like happy puppies! Lol...

[RainInanna]

haha I wish my son would sleep until the sun comes up.

[Ceres]

Everyone got a "big kid" bed sometime around age 2-3, and by then, none of them slept with us anymore (unless they were not feeling well), but often enough, I'd find them asleep in a siblings bed by morning, piled in like happy puppies! Lol...

We found the same thing; Our kids all chose to leave our bed by age three. One occassionally gets scared at night still, so he has a foam mattress under our bed that he can pull out and sleep on (without waking us) when he needs to.

[Cat]

But seriously, if its not working out -- Whats the point of insisting on co-sleeping?

Umm...I'm not. I'm not sure where you got that from.


I'm usually up before dd wakes, but I could give her special cuddle time on the couch when she comes out. I should really do that anyway. She's going through a tough patch with her dad back to travelling and her stepsis spending half her time at her mom's, it's no wonder she needs some extra closeness.

[Brigid Rowan]

Umm...I'm not. I'm not sure where you got that from.


I'm usually up before dd wakes, but I could give her special cuddle time on the couch when she comes out. I should really do that anyway. She's going through a tough patch with her dad back to travelling and her stepsis spending half her time at her mom's, it's no wonder she needs some extra closeness.

I think its really nice, that you are so sensitive and in tune with your child. She is a lucky girl to have you as her mama.

[Autumn]

We've done pretty much the same as Brigid has, the young-ins start out in their own bed and move to ours. We called it promoting. :lol:

I just wonder if 4 yrs old is maybe not such a good time to start co-sleeping. That's usually when some folks are looking to end it. Sorry but I had to bring that up...

I purposely started my middle daughter sleeping with her older sister as soon as I was confident she wouldn't get rolled on or entrapped in some way. Of course maybe once you solved the chattering issue you could introduce the idea that when Daddy's home she should stay in her own bed.