View Full Version : Frustrating.

November 6th, 2007, 06:36 PM
Ok, this is my story... Grab some popcorn and shake up a martini.

My now darling husband once had a girlfriend for around 6 months +, let's call her BUTS (because she is the bitch who literally lives up the street, LOL). She had adopted a boy previous to their relationship and he is now 11. Dh always treated this boy like he was dad. So after a not so long period, dh knew this was not going to work as she had many issues (she's Irish Catholic, he's not) and bam, she gets pregnant.

They both agreed marriage was not an alternative, so dh reassured her he would be a part of his childs (and brothers) life. My husband didn't see anyone seriously until we met, so it was never an issue. We met when my stepson was 5 and his brother 9. Saturdays were always reserved for dh and the boys to be together as he never wanted to separate the boys even though only one was his. That's the kind of guy he is...

When dh told her we were together and serious, she popped a nut. For whatever reason, she assumed he was going to remain single as she is. So here she gets pregnant (yeah, missed birth control my ass) and expects him to never move on, find happiness and start a family? That's right folks...

So after about six months we were together, it was time to start incorporating me into parts of the Saturdays so the boys could adjust to our new transition. This meant meeting her too, which I was wholeheartedly looking forward to. I'm a healthy, happy together woman - and for some whatever reason, I always expect and hope other women are too. Well. Not. And I will never understand why some/most 'exes' have such hatred and bitterness.

We were at T-ball, and dh and I approached BUTS. I reached out to shake her hand and I mentioned how nice it was to finally meet her. She barely looked at me, barely muttered the ICIEST FREEKING "ah, hi" and turned to dh. Wow, that had to have been the chilliest, downright cold, rude and disrespectful introduction I've ever had.

Nothing has changed. It's not that she hates "me," just the idea of me. We'll be standing there with the boys, and she treats me like I'm invisible. That's not even the worst part.

When dh proposed in March of 2006, we agreed I'd move into the house in May. She freaked out and stopped letting my stepson's brother come over because WE WERE LIVING IN SIN!!!!! Can you believe this? We're grown adults, getting married that October and she's freaking out with her Irish Catholic dogma. The boys both attend Catholic school (don't even get me started) and she felt "J" (the brother) would be confused because we were not yet married, but living together.

***K, go take a potty break , visit the snackbar and refill your martini now***

Now, how you ask does BUTS explain getting pregnant and having a child out of wedlock to said brother? She can't. She's the type of person who will never admit fault and only tout superiority. She should be thanking her LUCKY F'ING STARS she got involved with a man as wonderful, honest and caring as my dh.

Well, what she did out of her own self-induced issues is separate the boys. Now, we have zero relationship with "J", he hates us and thinks it was our fault, that when I moved in we didn't want him here, only bio son. We know the time will come when the boys are grown and they find out what really happened. She's a nasty human being who thinks she's the best mommy in the world, when she has psycologically f'ed things up for everyone. The quality of our lives and the boys (and hers) would be so much better is she would seek therapy.

The other issue with her is in some strange, warped way she looked at my dh as her male support system. She's in denial we're married, that I'm "G's" stepmom and that he's not living and breathing for her and what she wants. She told him how she didn't like how I introduced myself to others as G's stepmom. Well, guess what, reality check?

Incident a few weeks ago. We had G for the day, and he mentioned he needed to get BUTS a birthday present. I gave dh the eye, but very nicely asked G what he would like to get her. He said vanilla spray perfume. My thought was I needed to go to CVS anyway to get some stuff, so yeah, we'll get her the cheapest freeking bottle of vanilla spray perfume they had. Of course they didn't have vanilla (:nuhuh:) so I just started grabbing scents willy nilly saying "I bet Mom would like this one, it smells pretty!" Of course he didn't agree and had a total meltdown.

Well, appears she SHOWED him what SHE wanted! Get this, a vanilla gift basket from Bath and Body Works!!!!!!!!!! So, (are you guys still with me, yawn?) we have to drop what we're doing, tackle the mall in the middle of a Saturday afternoon to BUY HER A $45 gift basket! G was very happy, which was what was important. Did she give G the money to purchase said basket? Of course not.

Dh and I discussed, the next montly check he writes her will include a receipt for the purchase and a $45 deduction from usual so SHE can pay for it. He also called and told her "that was completely inappropriate, to expect us to take our time and money to do this when you treat my wife so bitterly cold and disrespectfully." She started crying, bla bla bla. She said, "you never mention what a good mom I am," and he reminded her he's not here to be HER support system, but HIS wifes.

Whew, feels really good to let it out on paper. I'm not one to bitch about life, and I'm so genuinely blessed and happy that to have any negativity is sad, truly. It's sad for the boys, it's sad for her. She has no life and still calls G (who is almost 8) 'baby' and 'bunny' while he's playing Little League.

When we have G, we're a fun, functional, silly, happy family. She destroyed a beautiful relationship between the boys and dh, which also destroyed the dream of having both boys in our wedding (J didn't attend, he hates us). They are going to now grow the rest of their young lives separated because the Bitch Up The Street is in denial about life - and how beautiful it could be if her damn soul wasn't so tortured. Get help now, please...

And one day the boys will learn the truth, we're always happy, we never fight, there's genuine happiness in our household and that's what G experiences every Saturday when we have him.

There, I've said it. Now I need a martini. Thanks for listening ladies...

November 6th, 2007, 07:05 PM
And one day the boys will learn the truth, we're always happy, we never fight, there's genuine happiness in our household and that's what G experiences every Saturday when we have him.

That's what we concentrate on too. We don't even entertain the negativity. We concentrate on showing the kids what a happy relationship is and how a family should function. We know the kids see the difference in our household from others. We don't have to point it out to them. Spending our time discussing or explaining probably wouldn't be the best thing to do. Actions speak louder than words, right?

That's really unfair that she did that to J. How could she think it was healthier to take your husband away from J than to explain "living in sin"? I can only imagine the resentment he's feeling. Poor boy.

I like your nickname for her :lol:

Now I am craving a martini, dammit. All I have in the house is rum.

November 6th, 2007, 08:37 PM
Here honey, take my hand - our bar is always open and completely stocked.

The thing is, she never really asked J how he felt about it. He's a kid, involved in baseball, the last thing he'd be thinking of is anything unholy or illicit.

It's just her.

We're sure to keep buying him birthday and xmas gifts and whenever we see him and she's not standing right there, we tell him how much we miss him. We're always mentioning to G how we miss his brother too, without EVER letting anything about what's going on slip. They already pick up on it, they know - and we're taking the higher road.

November 6th, 2007, 08:39 PM
I like your nickname for her :lol:

Oh yeah, and we put it to music. You know the song "Dick in a Box"? We sing, "It's the Bitch Up The Street"

We have to have a sense of humor about it...

November 7th, 2007, 08:18 AM
I despise parents who hurt their kids out of hate/jealousy over their ex. It's so selfish, so...cheap.

I feel for you and for your SSs. But I'm confused too--how are presents normally handled? We always take sd shopping for her bm.

Brigid Rowan
November 7th, 2007, 09:43 AM
I feel for you, I really do...Our situation is not so different than yours, in the sense BM (biomom) has never given up on she and DH being a "family" again (They were married, she had an affair, so he divorced her). BM has always been COLD to me, hateful, rude and cold. It isnt -personal- as she does not know me, it is just that I 'took her place' as DH's wife (even though I met DH a long time after her affair and their divorce, she blames ME for them being a 'broken family'. Go figure.

She told my stepson (who was 5 yo at the time) that she wanted me dead, and out of DH's house (Its our house, we bought it when we got engaged). So yeah, what a charmer BM can be.She is a liar, and nuts.

So I really do understand a LOT of your feelings.

I do not buy BM gifts from stepson, I figure that is for her parents/siblings to see too. I dont expect my ex to buy me gifts from our kids, my parents take my kids shopping for holidays/birthday gifts for me.

November 7th, 2007, 02:44 PM
Hi Cat:
Dh always took G and J to get a gift for BUTS for birthday/mother's day, something small and inexpensive.

The thing is, the fact that now he's married and she's so nasty to me (his wife - son's stepmother) and this whole malignant situation she's created - to expect us to go out of our way for anything for her is wrong. I would have NO problem spending time and money if the situation were different and I truly wish it were. As it is, I don't want a dime of our hard earned $ going to her. And a $45 gift to boot?

That's terrible, just rotten to involve a child that way. I'm sure BUTS doesn't say anything negative to him (nor would we ever), but I do know she fishes for stuff to throw at us later. "Honey, did you get enough to eat? Honey, this. Honey, that. I'll always be supermommy, blablabla."

I swear, we took G to Carney's for lunch, he had a turkey burger and some fries. He ate until he said he was full. We take him to the ballpark for his game and BUTS is talking to him and she turns to us saying "G says he's hungry!" I mentioned we literally just fed him and she shouted, "WELL HE SAYS HE'S HUNGRY."

It's that kind of stuff she pulls...

November 7th, 2007, 06:06 PM
Its a great sadness to me that my husband's son can't be part of our household, and that I had to be the one to say "No"

I know it makes me look totally evil, and I feel horrible about it... but it was all about the negetivity, he just made everyone miserable all the time....

I guess I feel a bit better talking to his stepdad, as he and I found ourselves saying the same things, that we wanted him safe and protected and welcome, but a household has to run on the terms of the adults in it, not the terms dictated by a mentally ill kid. His BM put up with his crap a lot lesss long than I did, so I feel a little vincdicated, but still feel I destroyed my hubby's realtionship with his son for the selfish reason that I wanted a peaceful loving house...

anyway, we know hes alright.. maybe even happy, living on welfare with another teenage boy... sigh...he doesn't have anyone asking him to do anything.. and that's always been his main goal so far as I can tell.

November 7th, 2007, 11:07 PM
Actions speak louder than words, right?

Yes they do. Could you perhaps pass the message on to your husband that his daughter is begging for his attention. Apparently he doesn't get my emails asking him to please call her. Yes I try hard to keep the negativity away as well, telling her you guys are probably just busy etc. He lives to far away to not pick up the phone once in a while. They are young and will forget him.

Phoenix Blue
November 8th, 2007, 12:35 AM

Semele --

Personal affairs remain personal and do not get carried onto MysticWicks for everyone to see. Publicly airing aspects of another user's private life is disrespectful in the extreme, and you have been warned on multiple occasions not to do so. You are therefore banned from MysticWicks pending further discussion among the administrators.

November 8th, 2007, 03:47 PM
How incredibly ackward and thank you...

November 8th, 2007, 08:50 PM
Why should GEBS get to say something about the children and household situations but Sem can't?

November 8th, 2007, 09:04 PM
I would personally appreciate it if my thread did not get highjacked any further, thank you. I also feel it's extremely ackward for those to air their dirty laundry in public when we're all familiar with the parties involved.

It's none of our business. I don't want to know and you shouldn't either.

Can we please return to my frustration with BUTS? Thanks.

November 9th, 2007, 01:49 PM
Begging your pardon for a moment Suzette, but I just have to say this.......What's awkward is a father who acts like he doesn't have time for his daughters/children. He will regret that one day. Case in point, my best friend's ex hubby doesn't have time for his children, doesn't call, doesn't want to pay his child support amount(which my best friend offered to halve the amount of because she has the kids in England due to her current hubby's military obligations). When she had the kids home for a visit this summer her ex didn't have time to do anything with his 3 children. Her son(who is three weeks younger than my son) stayed a few nights with my son. The poor kid cried when it came time to go back to his dad's and told me that his dad didn't have time for him and ignored him. He didn't think that his dad doesn't love him. It broke my heart. I have real issues with parents that don't show their children that they love them by staying in touch with their children. Before my best friend headed back to England her ex hubby tried to sign over custody to her and her current hubby so he could get out of paying child support. Now THAT'S awkward!

Sorry for that rant, Suzette. I just hate injustice when dealing with children. Back on topic. I've seen how my best friend's ex hubby's new wife pumps the 2 older girls for info on best friend and her current hubby. I've heard the crap she's talked about my best friend(I live in the same town as her ex). My best friend has had to explain to her kids that sometimes people who don't feel good about themselves or are jealous talk about others to try to make themselves feel better and that we should pity people like that but not give into pettiness. Luckily, her kids only have to deal with the ex hubby and his wife during the summer. My best friend tries to keep the negativity to a minimum but in reality, things can bleed over, especially when favoritism is shown to one child over another(her middle child is a daddy's girl but the ex has no time for the eldest daughter or the younger son). Best of luck with your situation, Suzette. No family is "perfect" but it's up to each parent to make sure taht all their children, whether by blood or love, know that they are loved and accepted by their family.

November 9th, 2007, 02:01 PM
NO begging YOUR pardon, you know what? I'm not even going to comment on your post other than this.

This is MY thread. If people want to dredge up drama and bullshit, do it in another post, NOT mine.

I will reiterate, whether I agree or disagree is not the issue. It's NONE of our business. If this is an issue to be battled in public, on Mystic Wicks than take it to another F'ing thread.

Trying to take the high road with this, but honestly. I'm not on any side and leave me the F' alone.

November 9th, 2007, 02:55 PM
I do apologize for apparently stepping on your toes/thread, Suzette. I was trying to point out in my last paragraph that regardless of issues with ex's that children should know that they are loved. From what I read you and your hubby have . What BUTS is doing is an example of reassuing a child that they are loved and wanted. I understand that you're touchy about the thread. Again, I apologize. Your situation hit closer to home and saddened me about parents using children as weapons or pawns.

Phoenix Blue
November 9th, 2007, 03:06 PM
Why should GEBS get to say something about the children and household situations but Sem can't?

Administrative decisions will not be discussed publicly. If you have questions, PM me or one of the other admins.

November 9th, 2007, 03:21 PM
I do apologize for apparently stepping on your toes/thread, Suzette. I was trying to point out in my last paragraph that regardless of issues with ex's that children should know that they are loved. From what I read you and your hubby have . What BUTS is doing is an example of reassuing a child that they are loved and wanted. I understand that you're touchy about the thread. Again, I apologize. Your situation hit closer to home and saddened me about parents using children as weapons or pawns.

You are correct and I apologize for being harsh. It took me a while to read your entire post as the beginning of it I wanted nothing to do with. Back to topic.

BUTS over reassures (as if there's a competition going on) the boys, so much so that she's going to be one of those clingon mothers that will forever be hanging on. This just in last night...

We're trying to involve G with his second family, ours. Dh has brothers and G's cousins around the Bay area, and we're planning on a visit the weekend of December 15-16. G isn't overly familiar with dh's family because they're so spread out, etc., and he doesn't get the opportunity to see them as much as BUTS family. G got to play with his cousins at our wedding last year and we want to keep the memory and momentum of that alive.

So when we had him last weekend, we were telling him of some exciting plans we've made including taking him to the Magic Castle, and on a trip to see his cousins. He doesn't really know what to say about that because they're pretty much strangers to him.

So last night dh told me he had a conversation with BUTS regarding that trip and she was saying G doesn't understand, etc., and she's going to talk to him about it. Well, to her, dh's family doesn't exist and she could care less so we know instead of encouring G to be excited about his cousins/family, she's going to baby him into "honey, if you don't want to go you don't have to."

We'll see what happens, but honestly, to her dh's family is non-existant.

November 9th, 2007, 03:25 PM
if she's unwilling to allow your dh's son to spend time with him and the family, or otherwise influencing the boy's choice, perhaps it is time for you to seek some outside help?

it wouldn't need to be a big thing, but to sit down with a family law expert and discuss the options for both boys might be a really good idea before this behaviour severs the chance for a good relationship.

November 9th, 2007, 03:31 PM
We've ringed around that rosey a million times... Technically, he has half custody and should me more agressive about it, but what the trip would boil down to is G's 'mommy' instilling something in him that if we forced him to go, would result in a meltdown. We don't want that.

If this trip doesn't work, it will be because instead of her getting him excited, she'll have done the opposite. If this happens, we'll cross the bridge and see what we can do.

As far as the boys plural, only one is his son - so he retains no right to J. Otherwise, visitations would not have ceased.

ARRRRGGGHHHHH! Sometimes I just want to scream.

November 10th, 2007, 06:24 AM
The courtesy with which you address us is proportional to the amount of time I intend to spend sympathizing with you.

November 10th, 2007, 06:20 PM
The courtesy with which you address us is proportional to the amount of time I intend to spend sympathizing with you.

And that certainly is your prerogative as it was mine to be angry someone lacked courtesy by highjacking my thread.

I apologized, and that's more than I've seen f rom some here.

November 13th, 2007, 12:44 PM
When you post publicly on a message board you cannot control the replies you will get nor their content. Thread drifts happens. You expect sympathy but give none......


Phoenix Blue
November 13th, 2007, 12:56 PM

Stop bickering.

Thread closed.