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Sun Sprite
November 17th, 2007, 07:04 PM
As most of you know, I have no kids of my own.

However, my neighbor's seven year old daughter loves to visit for hours at a time. In fact, she has even asked to move in!? Yikes!

Anywy, she has been begging me to take her somewhere, anywhere in my car. So we went to the local dollar store today, since she was being good, and helping me rake leaves. She finds one of those horsehead on a stick toys, and starts riding it through the narrow aisle. I hollered at her (not anrgy or too loud, just loud enough for her to hear) to be careful. A woman at the end of the aisle who she had gone almost up to said "It's okay, I saw her." I unthinking responded "I just want her to be careful and no bump into anyone coming out of an aisle." Of course a few minutes later we did (not literally) bump into our elderly next door neighbor.

That is the first time I have ever taken my neighbor's daughter anywhere without her mom being there. Knowing her as I do, she behaved very good, just not quite as well as I would have liked.

I wonder how that poor woman felt about my reply. It was nice of her to not be angry at the girl, as she is just a rambunctious child who needs a bit of reining in.

Another though, if we do take her to this one event in a couple of weeks: How do you best correct someone else's child in a public place? Since it is obvious, looking at her and me, that we are not likely relae, people do tend to stare a bit. Plus, when we correct her at home, we sometimes ask her what her mother would think is she was doing whatever not nice thing she was doing. It sounds funny in public to say "If your not good, we can tak you straight home to your mother." Okay, what can I say to te same affect without feeling embaressed, of feeling like everyone is stareing at me? When you have someone else's child out, and they aren't behaveing, you can get looks like "Do you have the right to have th child out?"

This thought proces may become even more important if we do get processed to adopt and are takeing a foster child out on visits to determine if they would be happy in our family.

With all the other things, the top question is: If you take your friend, neighbor, etc's child out somewhere, how do you gently correct them without makeing a scene? Do you find kids behave better or worse for the parent, or the friend?

Tanya
November 17th, 2007, 07:31 PM
When you are looking after somone else's child.. you are in loco parentis ie. the parent substitute, and as that, you should disipline as you would your own child.
keep in mind the kid does not know your rules so be very clear and give fair warning... and obviously, even if you occaisanally would spank your own child.. don't do that to someone else's...EVER


In a situation like yours saying .. "When you are with me I expect you to do/not X, if you do/don't do it again, I'm sorry to say, but Y is going to happen" is fine... followed up with.... "I asked you not to do X and you ignored me so now Y is going to happen" Be clear you are not mad at them.. these are just the consequences of their actions and you are sorry to have to meat them out, but meat out they will be.

BE CLEAR, be FIRM, be KIND... do not be argued out of consequences you will forever more hae 'sucker' pasted accross your forhead... teaching kids consequences and to think of others will teach THEM to be kind and thoughtful in the future.

YOu arent making any comment on how they are parented at home.. just laying down the rules about how they will be 'parented' with you.

Nitefalle
November 17th, 2007, 11:42 PM
In situations like that with my sister's kids, I would just ask my sister "In situation X, what would you do? What would be best that the kid would respond to?" I try and mimic the parent in that case, so the kid will respond and know what is coming to them. Then, if you get a "You're not my mom" you can then wing it with your own rules, or just yank the kid and drag them home. Don't you just love giving them back? :lol:

aluokaloo
November 17th, 2007, 11:48 PM
everyone else gave good suggestions. i'm starting to go through this same thing because lately i've been left in charge of my daughter's little friends across the street, i stay firm, and i usually let them do their own thing unless i see a problem, someone getting too bossy, or not wanting to share, i explain things to the other two girls in a much lower tone of voice, but i make it clear i don't tolerate things like bullying, name-calling, exclusionism, etc. perhaps setting boundaries of what is ok or not ok might help a bit?

Lyrien
November 18th, 2007, 09:14 AM
Plus, when we correct her at home, we sometimes ask her what her mother would think is she was doing whatever not nice thing she was doing.

Don't do that, you are giving away your authority. Tell you what you think of whatever behavior she is exhibiting, this gives her your expectations of her and not the expectation that she can behave anyway she likes and you'll just tattle a few hours later.

Brónach Druid
November 19th, 2007, 12:09 AM
Having dealt with neighbors, nieces, nephews etc. who come and go to various different relatives for sleep overs, outings whatever, I can tell you children quickly learn what is expected of them and what they can get away with in each household. My advice would be stop looking at the situation from other peoples perspective. Let the her know exactly what your rules are and what you expect of her. It doesn't matter what other people think or how she would behave at home. Clearly let her know what your rules are and what the consequences are if she doesn't follow them and follow through with whatever those consequences are. I think it is wonderful of you to take the time to be a part of her life! Best of luck!

darkchild
November 19th, 2007, 12:36 AM
Having dealt with neighbors, nieces, nephews etc. who come and go to various different relatives for sleep overs, outings whatever, I can tell you children quickly learn what is expected of them and what they can get away with in each household. My advice would be stop looking at the situation from other peoples perspective. Let the her know exactly what your rules are and what you expect of her. It doesn't matter what other people think or how she would behave at home. Clearly let her know what your rules are and what the consequences are if she doesn't follow them and follow through with whatever those consequences are. I think it is wonderful of you to take the time to be a part of her life! Best of luck!

Ditto!
And, have fun! :spinnysmi

Willow Rosette
November 24th, 2007, 12:36 AM
I have on occasion had friends of Torias and gone out places, what I do is simply explain in the car or whatever the case may be that at this place....this is the behavior expected. For example I took Toria and her friend to the movies to see Shrek III and the friend had never been to a movie before. So I explained to her that while the lights are on it is ok to talk but when they go off we need to be quiet...dont put our feet on the seats and so on. Because she knew what to expect before hand it went very smoothly.