I found something in myself that I am ashamed of

[Athena-Nadine]

Robert gained weight very quickly as a newborn and infant. For the first couple of months, he gained around a pound a week. Then, at around 4 months old, when he was over 18 pounds, his weight gained slowed to the point where he was only a little over 22 pounds at his 18 month well check. His fast weight gain never bothered me. In fact, I was always a bit amused by it. If anything, when his weight gain stalled it worried me. But it was normal for him.

Alessa is so far following the same pattern. I will be shocked if she hasn't doubled her birth weight by her two month well check. She was only 6 pounds 9 ounces at birth and weighed 10 pounds at 5 weeks old. Since she had lost 8 ounces in the hospital she had gained almost 4 pounds in 4 1/2 weeks. But there's a difference in me this time.

She was so tiny when she was born. She had so little fat on her that the skin on her hands was loose. At first, as it all filled in and she started getting those cute little rolls and dimples that babies get, I was happy and proud. But as she kept gaining, like babies do, and I noticed her thighs getting chubbier and that she was getting marks in her legs from her diapers because of it, I started stressing. And I discovered something in myself that I don't like one bit. I realized that with every little roll she gets, I become irrationally worried that she is gaining too much. Weight was never an issue for me. I was always almost unaware of it. But I realized that I am a product of my culture and its influences after all.

Now I am afraid of what that means. I don't want to end up putting pressure on my daughter to meet and retain some "ideal" body; I just want both of my children to be healthy. At least, I always believed that. I am so ashamed to even admit this, but what caused pride in me with my son, causes fear in me with my daughter. Where I loved telling people how Robert was growing, I wish Alessa would just slow down. I have found a double standard within myself and I don't like it one bit.

[RainInanna]

Thank you for sharing that. I don't have anything smart to add, I just appreciate someone having the guts to admit what they're thinking, even if it seems negative.

[Athena-Nadine]

It's been nagging me in the back of my mind for a week or two. I kept trying to ignore it, but it wouldn't leave me alone. I don't want to end up putting my daughter through hell and damaging her self worth. She's going to have to deal with this every time she turns on the television, opens a magazine, turns on the radio, or walks out of the house. I'm supposed to be a safe place for her and I can't be that unless I admit that this ugliness is inside me and find a way to deal with it.

As long as it's only in my head I can ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. But writing it down and putting it out there makes that impossible.

[TheWomanMonster]

You just have to rub out that way of thinking, it's easier said than done... but focus on what you said,
I just want both my children to be happy and healthy.

(it's the same thing I'm trying to do for anxiety and negative thinking).

Make it an affirmation.
Tell her she's beautiful, even if she's not going to remember...

:hugz:

[lamoka]

It is a humbling and shameful moment when you learn something about yourself that you consider to be a negative trait in another. I had a moment like that back in the summer. I would have never thought it of myself but there it was. Hard to swallow.
I believe this happens to bring out something in ourselves that we need to work on in the soul/karma sense. This facet of our personality is here to teach us something. Look for the good that may come from this. Self love, self acceptance, self respect, self honesty, self forgiveness.
A willingness to look it in the face, acknowledge the feeling, and then letting it go.
These are traits that we must teach our children as well. But how much easier to do this, if we have felt it and gained wisdom from it.
To me this would be considered a dark side.
Necessary to balance the light.
Honor it for its lessons, show it gratitude for its teachings.
It is how you use the energy from it that will determine whether it is useful or detrimental. To you and to your daughter.
namaste

[RainInanna]

Are you worried she won't be healthy if she's bigger? Or that she will have problems creating relationships?

I dunno, I have a weird view of it. My mom was always on diets and stuff when I was a kid and that made me think if she was a bad person just because she was fat, well I would be too, right? But at the same time some of my favourite people (most of my family) is overweight. I'm sometimes disgusted with my own size yet I think normal sized and bigger women are beautiful.

What a weird world we live in.

[Athena-Nadine]

No, it's not that. I meant that I always believed I just wanted my children to be healthy and happy no matter what their shape or size. But it seems that I am just as guilty of carrying the "ideal" in my mind that our culture constantly perpetuates.

I was always thin growing up. I was thin enough that I was teased for it and accused of being anorexic. I have so many friends on the other side who suffered for being bigger. I was never very well liked growing up and always had a really hard time making friends. I think what I'm realizing is that my own insecurities are coming to the fore now that I have a daughter in a way that they didn't when I only had a son. Though I am not the same person I was all those years ago, though I love myself now and am way more comfortable in my own skin, I still remember and now know there is a part of me that still carries the scars. And now I am finding that, in the deepest recesses of my mind, I am worried about my daughter having to go through the pain and loneliness I did. I think this double standard with weight is just a reflection of all of that.

[wolfjan1]

Yes, this is a distressing trend. Especially when the best compliment that peeople can give you is that you look like you lost weight!
So, remembering the growth spirt that kids have as toddlers, Start getting them used to all the fruit and veggies they want. Juice from the juicer so when they get a sugar craving their treats are monitored by you. You can even buy those popcicle molds and freeze the juice, so YOU know what goes in to them.
Just try not to put so much pressure on your little Allesa. She will be fine. A cake or a muffin or an ice cream is a rare treat, not a food group that they need every day. And let the kids copy you when you exercise and go with you on your walks. Its more work to push a stroller and help YOU get back in shape. Then they will just come along as a natural part of their day.
Blessings!

[Chesna]

First of all BRAVO!!! for admitting this!! I can sense how hard it was. Secondly...you have time to figure it out. I understand what you are saying...worried about the rolls and weight because in today's world us women are supposed to be skinny. My daughter is the opposite..very tiny and petite and I am always wanting her to be a bit more heavier. What I think as a mother and as a parent..you have time to decide how you want to raise your daughter and time to get it started. Now that you can recognize this thinking..you can try and say to yourself...she is beautiful no matter what she looks like/weighs. Be aware of how you are thinking and feling with her and look at how it affects you and then change it. It will not be easy...but you can do it!!

Chesna

[Morr]

AN, we were at a Hannukah event in our Temple on Sunday.

There were some moms with their babies there, including me. We were all sitting on a bench in the hall (people laughed and called it "Baby Row"). Some were chit chatting, some were feeding their babies, etc.

I saw this one lady with another baby girl. She looked tiny compared to Scarlet, but I didn't really think much about it. I just figured the baby was younger than Scarlet.

A while later, hubby comes to me and whispers in my ear, "see the baby over there (meaning the one I had looked at earlier with her mom), THAT is what an average sized 3 month old looks like".

I was in shock... Scarlet was a mamouth compared to that baby LOL!!

Scarlet IS a big baby for her age... She has a huge pumpkin head, and she is able to wear 6 months old baby clothes (they are still a bit big on her, but not TOO big that she can't wear them at all).

She has at least 4 rolls of fat on each thigh, "cankles" and has NO wrists...

I understand what you feel.

But she is a baby, and babies have baby fat... All she eats is formula, she eats what she's supposed to, when she's supposed to.

When she starts eating solids, we will teach her to eat healthy solids.

She will be the size she is supposed to be. As long as she is not obese (which I doubt she will be because neither of our families have a history of obesity), I will be fine with it. However, I will encourage her to learn to eat healthy. No junk food. No sweets unless she earned it (a reward during the weekend).

I don't think you should blame yourself of anything, AN.

If you realize this now, you will find a way to NOT pressure Alessa into fitting in the "ideal body" image.

*hugs*

As long as you teach her to eat healthy and take care of her body, treat her body as a sacred thing and love herself body and soul -- You have done your job, no matter what size she is.

[Marcasite]

AN- it takes so much courage to admit to yourself something which you've been trying to tell yourself you really don't feel/believe. We all have dark feelings and thoughts hidden somewhere that we don't want to let ourselves believe in. We tell ourselves "I don't *really* resent my husband sometimes." "I don't have a problem with alcohol" and so on to make ourselves feel better. Admitting we have those feelings and thoughts is the first step in changing them. If you know you have these feelings you can more conciously prevent them from filtering into the next generation. I agree it is a hard world for girls these days. I'm feeling very self concious about the 5lbs I've gained already and I know it's ridiculous but I'm ashamed anyways. I hear so many women talking about how much weight they lost in the first trimester and that's simply not the case with me. My mother is almost certainly annorexic and I've grown up with a lot of internal pressure on myself to be thin. Girls are always fighting this battle and it sucks. I wish the world was different, for all the little girls who have to grow up in it.

[alwaysfallingup]

I'm not a parent yet, Athena-Nadine, but I'm a plus-sized woman who fought for years with insecurities about my body...when I was a child, my mom was always really supportive of me, but my grandmother would constantly tell me, "Don't you think you're getting too big? Don't you want to be pretty?" and on and on. Later on, I learned that my Nana had health issues that stemmed from her own eating disorders. The problem was hers, but it soon became mine, and I carried it for years.

I think the fact that you understand what's happening shows that you will be more than able to deal with it. When we have the courage and understanding to name our demons, we are arming ourselves to fight them, or to love them into submission as the case may be.

For me, victory came when I spent a lot of time looking at all the Goddess images (I've posted about this in another thread) and realizing that the Goddess comes in so many forms, shapes, and sizes. We are made in her IMAGES, not just one image that is supposed to fit all of us. I think my healing started when I looked at the Venus of Willendorf and realized that she radiated love and sensuality and pleasure, and I could, too.

Maybe you could start right now, showing yourself and your little ones images of Goddesses in all shapes and sizes. There is even a place online where you can get Venus of Willendorf paper dolls! Cut out the images, maybe, and put them on your refrigerator and look at them every day, from slender huntress goddesses to voluptuous earth mothers and everything else under the sun. And be sure and pass compliments to people of all sizes. If you see a plus-sized woman in the store, find something to say to your children about her particular beauty..."Goodness, she looks beautiful in red." or "That woman had the prettiest smile I've ever seen." Show them that beauty comes in a myriad of forms, and you'll start to understand it better yourself.

I think it was brave of you to make this post. It's people like you, who realize that there's a problem, who will be a big part of the solution in helping to reshape our idea of what beauty can be.

[Laoghaire]

Dear Athena and Morr...

This was me, a few months old. I was close to 4 kilo when I was born...

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y255/ideliesje/Ikzelf/KleinLiesje2.jpg

I was a huge baby, but my sister was bigger :p. Baby clothes of the age I was would never ever fit. My mom received several outfits for me when she was pregnant and neither did fit.

This is me now... Or better, a year ago. I'm the girl to the right. The one with the glasses is my LITTLE sister. She's six years younger and het birth weight was over 4 kilo. Yes, I'm not skinny and I have very clear female forms...

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y255/ideliesje/Ikzelf/VliegendeHollander1.jpg

I understand your concern. I think I will do the same with my girls... It's a scary thought. But I do not think it's that wrong to worry. You have to grow into your role as mother of a daughter. In the end, you will come to terms with it. You cannot an may not blame yourself for thinking like that. It's what the media tought us...

But please please... Teach your daughter to love and caress her body. My mother hates her body, every bit of it. She told me I had to be proud of myself, but I never did it. Because she didn't give me the right example. She wasn't proud of herself and she still isn't, eventhough my father loves her to pieces.
Whenever I touch my body too long or too intimate, she will reprimand me. Like when I'm fooling around with my own boobs...
When Alessa is bigger and you're standing in a front of a mirror, please tell her you love your body. That's a message she will understand and never forget...

[Devilfish]

It's not easy to recognise the things we dislike about ourselves. Thanks for sharing this.

Maybe I can share something I don't feel very comfortable talking about; I was a very chubby child who grew up to be a chubby teenager. Of course kids gave me hell about it, but I had a mother who loved me unconditionally and taught me how to take care of myself. I think your daughter has that one amazing leg up in life: a mother who wants nothing but the best for her, regardless of what anyone says. That certainly helped me. I lost the weight when I was damn well ready to do so, on my own terms and not because of bullying, and my mother's support made that possible.

I don't think Alessa has anything to worry about with a mother who cares so much about her ;)

[aluokaloo]

yeah it sucks when you find something about yourself youre not thrilled about. But as long as you've confronted it, you're good to go. :hugz:

[Rhianna813]

Our children teach us so much and can bring up many issues/baggage that we didn't know we had. It's a time to heal. Mentally understand the issue that's been brought up but don't attach shame or negative feelings toward yourself over it. Look at the opportunity to heal your own wounds and live on a different path than the one we were all raised on!

We get to parent ourselves all over again, when we raise our kids :-)

Love,

Rhianna

[RainInanna]

It's unfortunate that women do have to live with that double standard. It is a reality we live in, and it's not always easy to put aside.

I'm just glad you spoke up. I wish more mommies would have the guts to admit harder stuff; negative feelings and things they are working on. It makes me feel better about admitting my negative feelings etc. too. I know that doesn't really help you but I want you to know your post helps me :)

And also, how is Alessa doing re: reflux?

[Tanya]

I'm raising a daughter.. and i worry too about putting that kind fo crap on her accidently.

I focus on telling her she's 'strong'

and I try to poin out women of all colors and shapes and comment on their beauty.. and my daughter's....

I try to say things like 'you are beautiful because your so funny.."etc etc

[Athena-Nadine]

Thank you all so much for your support. All of you are right and I am going to do what I can to help my daughter have a secure foundation and faith in herself and her beauty--all of it.

I'm feeling better about it all now; it was just shocking to find that in myself.

[Dragensong]

Kudos to you for voicing what I've felt in the past. When my son (now 7yrs) was born at 7lbs even and growing I bragged about his baby rolls, he's a bottomless pit but is anverage size boy now. When my daughter (now 5) was born she was barely 6.5 lbs but by 5 mos was 18 lbs. I was worried she was overweight even though her brother was the same. Thier dr assured me that babies NEED to be chunky. (his kids were HUGE babies). His theory, which i've noticed holds true, when they start moving its hard to get them to stop for anything for more than 5 min, including lunch LOL. Now my daughter is the smallest in her grade at 5.5yrs she's 32lbs and wears clothes sizes between 3T and 4T. We have to put diaper pins to hold up 5T pants, she has very long legs LOL. W/baby #3, she was a month early though BIG for a premie at 6lbs 14oz, she's now 7mos old and weighs almost 18lbs. She's smaller than her sibs were at this age but she's covered in rolls. According to the Dr she's "average". (Bigger than average when they adjust her age lol).

I remember thinking my older daughter becoming tiny was b/c of something I did. Then I realized that we don't eat what most "typical american" families eat. we dont like fast food (too much anyway), we prefer organic meat (not crazy about hormones in our food), desert in our family is usually a yogurt or smoothie (on school nights anyway). My son's favorite breakfast is a bagel with cream cheese and warm tea (this shocks most people it seems).

I remind myself of 2 things Chunky babies are healthy babies (I worry about the ones that are skinny) and active kids are healthy kids.

also if you are worried about her diaper leaving marks just try the next size up. I'm sure you know but as a reminder the sizes are guides not rules. We kept all our kids in the next size up i didnt like the marks either.