Advice RE: Teenage siblings whilst you are an adult

[la tortuga]

Okay. I've been having this problem for a very long time with my little sister (now fifteen, by the way, for later reference) basically since I got my car and could drive. She basically tells my parents that I'll be supervising, etc, but that her friend will tag along and meet us at (insert place of interest here). However, I usually get ditched and end up by myself until she's ready to go. I'm just alone when I go somewhere with her, whether she arranges for someone to meet her there or not.

The problem is that it's usually not a problem because she's really not doing something she's not supposed to (if you disregard abandoning my respect at the entrance of the establishment we are spending time at) until now.

She has this friend, whom she calls "Wolfie". This is absolutely for a reason. I don't have anything against the girl, but she behaves rather oddly. The girl basically acts like a dog. She barks, she whines, she rubs her head up against people for affection. I almost hit a deer in our neighborhood on the way home because this child barked as I was slowing down so loudly that I got startled and hit the accelerator.

Got it so far? Okay, let's continue.

Until earlier this evening I thought this girl was only a friend. I knew she was admittedly a lesbian (something I don't think she should be proclaiming at the oh-so-grand-and-experienced age of seventeen, but it's not my deal) oh but it IS. She and my little sister are together. She didn't bother to tell me OR my mom and she arranged for me to be around them at the mall, etc. Well, they meet up with this girl's friends, one of which honestly scares the bejeesus out of me. He's obviously over the age of twenty five, has a wolf tail attached to his pants, little wolf ears on a headband, and, get this, fang implants. Oh, I studied those quite carefully. They're definitely permanent. Anyway, my sister and I get into a bit of a disagreement and she goes off with all of her friends and the like, blah, blah, blah, usual story. I text her. I'm MAD. I tell her to call mom and get another ride. Well, I talk to my mom over the phone and tell her what's up and I say "And I'm sorry you have to give her a ride home..." oh but that's not what happened. This guy is going to give her a ride home.

oh no, no, no. That ain't happening. I tell my mom EVERYTHING I overheard in these conversations and bring those two home pronto.

I don't have anything against homosexuality or anything. I have lots of gay and lesbian friends. However, I don't think she's doing this for anything but the novelty of it. She recently got out of a horrible relationship and the boy is tormenting her constantly. Also, if she was going to date other girls... please not this one. She's a nice girl, I've had a decent conversation with her (which is better than I ever got with any of her ex-boyfriends, believe me those kids were a box of rocks) but I really don't think she's quite right. Even so, she lied to me and my parents when she knew they wouldn't approve and just lied to us. She said they were friends. What if my mom had let that girl spend the night, trusting that nothing would happen? It's practically the same as letting a boyfriend stay the night! All I was concerned about were the lies and the possibility of taking a ride home with not only a STRANGER but a rather STRANGE STRANGER!

Help? Advice on how to deal with this? My parents really could use a few pointers, too... :(

[alwaysfallingup]

I know very much where you're coming from. I'm 25 and my youngest sisters are 16 and 14. We get along really well and hang out quite a bit...it's really fun for me to be the cool older sister that takes them to things like anime conventions that my mom wouldn't want to go to, and it's also fun to be someone that they feel like they can talk to without being judged. It's even fun to let them get away with stuff that they couldn't normally do with adults, like letting them stay up way too late and eat cake for breakfast and watch music videos instead of practicing the piano. But, when push comes to shove, they also know that I care about them and that I'd never let them get away with something that was dangerous or harmful to them, no matter how cool of a big sister I am.

I think that you did the right thing blowing the whistle if you're concerned about your little sister going home with some strange adult. If she's a lesbian, or is bisexual, or just figuring things out for herself, I think it's her right to privacy over her feelings. But, when she acts in ways that might be dangerous, then it's time to let someone know.

Now that the immediate danger is over, though, I really think the best way to handle this might be to just talk with her. I know that immediate safety is one thing, but now that she's cooled off and is safe at home, you probably need to let her know that you didn't want to violate her trust or hurt her feelings, but that you're worried for her and that she also made you feel crappy by ditching you. Explain to her that you think she can be responsible enough to not need a parent around, and that you want to hang out as friends, not as her babysitter. Tell her that she needs to respect you and your feelings by treating you as a sister and friend and you'll respect her as the same when she shows you how responsible she is by behaving in a way that is safe and considerate.

It really works with my little sisters. They love to come over and stay and hang out because they know that I'm all about granting them freedom once they've shown that they're mature enough to manage it, and I love to spend time with them because it gives me pleasure to see them happy and to feel like the fun big sister. It's a pretty good system for everyone.

[la tortuga]

UPDATE:

Okay, this little girl is apparently a real freak. My mom went over to that house last night and she had dried animal blood on her walls. She butchered a deer in her bedroom and left one of the legs suspended from the ceiling. Anyway, my mom made it clear that my sister isn't going to talk to this girl EVER again and guess what? We get this car driving by and stopping at my parents' house in the middle of the night. Freaky, much? Anyway, the officer who responded to the call actually had picked up the girl before shoplifting, etc. Anyway, it seems her ENTIRE family consists of bloods. Yes, as in the GANG.

Soooo freaked out right now. Anyway, I had some pretty neat plans for tomorrow but it turns out I can't do any of them because it involves being at school bright and early and I stayed up way too late to go to sleep and be rested enough for tomorrow. The police take entirely too long to respond to such things. Anyhow, I'm optimistic about never seeing this child again. She needs help.