My December (Winter's Wonderland)

[wintermagick]

Here is what my darkness actually inspired several months ago... the unmoveable to be moved, the seemingly soul-less to actually cry.

No. It's my December. MINE!!! In his moment of self-pity, the Great Mother was actually giving him an insight into MY F-ed Up-ness.

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb195/HappinessInSlytherin/Spiritual/mydecember.gif http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb195/HappinessInSlytherin/Spiritual/1.gif http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb195/HappinessInSlytherin/Spiritual/PLEASEFITDAMNYOU.gif

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb195/HappinessInSlytherin/Spiritual/thMyDecember.jpg

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb195/HappinessInSlytherin/Spiritual/LPMyDecember.jpg

Linkin Park My December Lyrics

[this is my december
this is my time of the year
this is my december
this is all so clear]

It is clear... isn't it? That love isn't really love it all. It is only temporary insanity, a chemical overload, just enough to keep our species breeding! Love is... ACTUALLY a decision. And I've made the desicion to love you. Even through the laziness and sometimes outright passive agressive cruelty. You say that you have made the same decision. And that it is more than a desicion. So then your calrity hasn't yet come, but that's ok. But please don't... don't rescind that decision. Because I could not survive this once more.

[this is my december
this is my snow covered home
this is my december
this is me alone ]

Yes, this is me. The light and the dark. Welcome to reality. Can you pull yourself out of fantasy for a moment, man up, and look at, really face *all of me*?

[and i
just wish that i didnt feel
like there was something i missed
and i
take back all the things i said
to make you feel like that
and i
just wish that i didnt feel
like there was something i missed
and i
take back all the things that i said to you]

Then... then you would have to go back to the very first phone conversation we ever had back in November of 1999. You should have never called me. Because seriously, like that lame ass movie, you had me at hello. But now, the fact that your words made me "feel like that" , that those feelings led us into love and marriage and parenthood... eventually led you into.. what... your downward spiral so to speak? So you regret... me? I've never addressed this, not until this moment... here between me and the gods. So.... let's jump back into the time machine... let's not speak on the phone... let's not meet at that club. Let's say you went on to online game/RPG for the rest of your life. Would that have brought you peace? Were you peaceful in that existence? Or did me, the once upon a time hottie/dream girl come along and"F" it up for you? And what of me? Would I have just done all this with someone else? Isn't that what you said I "deserved"? Someone better, someone... else?

[and i give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to ]

You give it all away? YOU give it all away? What... about me? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!! Amd then my daemon, SS, came along and showed me exactly who I'D BECOME, and it was so dark I couldn't handle it! I hopped on a train to destroy my life even further! What... what all have you given away to love me? Is it... something I never even knew about?

[this is my december
these are my snow covered dreams
this is me pretending
this is all i need ]

Your, YOUR snow covered dreams??? YOU gave up being a musician! I had NOTHING TO WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know it is not humanly possible to be perfect, but I was D*MNED close to being the perfect girlfriend. I was so supportive it was disgusting... and I still am!!! You gave up your dreams to Game/RPG... NOT to have a family!!!!

:bastard:

What about MY snow covered dreams? I finally FIND them, and you have more than just buried them under a pile of snow, you've tried to burn them to the ground because of... jealousy? You never supported this eneavor, but because I'm a HAIRDRESSER ON FIRE one day I'll be banking and you'll say, "I always knew you could do it, honey." And I'll smile, all docile.

:aburst:

This is YOU pretending this is all YOU need??? 'Cause I never pretend myself... oh no... I'm just an emotional/psychic vampire who lives to drain your life force and spend your money (ahem... YOUR money???). No... you've never told me that is what I am. But I see it in your actions. But worse I see it in your eyes when you look at me.

:heartbrea

Like I haven't had to fake hundreds if not thousands of big Os because even though you are a gentle soul you make :heartthro like you are trying to be someone you are not, someone who has NO LOVE AT ALL FOR WOMEN. Like I haven't had to watch for years and years as other women move up and up and forward and forward materially while we stagnate or go back and back and back. Like you telling me you love me a handful of times a year is very validating! YOU are now the father of a GIRL. This means that you need to understand what loving a WOMAN (because yes, someday she will be a woman) really means!

:uzi:

[and i
just wish that i didnt feel
like there was something i missed
and i
take back all the things i said
to make you feel like that
and i
just wish that i didnt feel
like there was something i missed
and i
take back all the things that i said to you

and i give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to

this is my december
this is my time of the year
this is my december
this is all so clear

and i give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to]


No. It's MY DECEMBER. I am stealing this song... this moment from you. And this is me pretending this is ALL I NEED! Because I do love you. Despite the anger, the sadness, the rage, the fervent prayers, and the tears that went into these horrid words I've just typed, I do love you. I always have. And I know you love me too, with much ardor in fact, even if you don't always know how to show me.

And it is because I love you that I will never share these words with you.

:bigredbluDemeter, Mother Goddess, I pray for your stregnth. And Hera... you who knows best of loving someone whose love is spread everywhere but where it should be... I ask for your wisdom, your gift of acceptance for what is, and your blessings on this marriage. :smoochypo

[Amilee]

(stares at the screen a moment taking it all in....actually stands up and applauds IRL, seriously)

Way to get it out. That took a lot of courage and deep thought. Seriously.

I hope you feel better now. :hugz:

He loves you, I'm sure. Men just think differently than women. Seriously, read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus...It really DOES explain the mental process of both minds.

Totally makes sense too.

I really am totally proud of you for getting the guts up to write this. Giving you all my Blessings. :hugz:

[wintermagick]

(stares at the screen a moment taking it all in....actually stands up and applauds IRL, seriously)

Way to get it out. That took a lot of courage and deep thought. Seriously.

I hope you feel better now. :hugz:

He loves you, I'm sure. Men just think differently than women. Seriously, read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus...It really DOES explain the mental process of both minds.

Totally makes sense too.

I really am totally proud of you for getting the guts up to write this. Giving you all my Blessings. :hugz:

Since I have no adequate words for my gratitude to you, I will simply post these:

:smile::hugz::clapping::hearthear:loveduv:_cloud9_

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

what Amiless said. wow....just wow.

[wintermagick]

Today in my December:

Please help me banish cultural confusion. Just... banish it. I guess it would help if I wasn't reading all of that Christian fiction... but some of the themes in those books were identical to my own life. Ah... but what big reding project is next? I've found it is too soon to re-do Harry Potter. And... please help me find inspiration today. Even if I am skipping a couple of hours of school to make out Xmas/Yule-mas cards at Starbucks. :hahugh:

Today I'm most thankful for: my family (both immediate and extended), my home.

[Sothis*Crowfeather]

I'd recommend reading the rest of the Dark Towers...majorly addictive books there. I'll probley tackle them agian sometime soon.

[wintermagick]

Today in my December:

Our home. We don't live there anymore. Due to crippling financial problems, our family of three (and two pets) had to move in with in-laws in a two day emergency crash move where we put everything in storage and just took what I felt we needed to survive. had to miss two days of school, but I'm going back today. I now won't graduate until next Friday, 12/15.

We now live in a small maybe 12x16(?) bedroom. It sucks. But I'm just thankful not to be living under a bridge.

I actually can muster up more gratitude...

I am thankful for my families. I am thankful we got out alive. I'm thankful there are only 5 more days of beauty school!!!

[wintermagick]

I am grateful.. Really I am. I know this entry below will sound like I'm not, like I'm a selfish beootch, but I'm just feeling so helpless right now.. I don't know how to cope...

See this ticker below? The days I've been in Azkaban... translated... our family has had to be living with his parents. 10 days now.

Not that they are bad people, they are wonderful/beautiful souls and have been quite gracious. It's just the piles of trash all over from 20 YEARS that will take me MONTHS to clean... and the energy here.... blechh!!!! I'm REALLY not exagerrating AT ALL. My whole family has been sick every day since we've lived here. This could be because of the horrid energy, the mess, or the black mold that is probably multiplying in the walls of this old apartment bldg as I type. :blech:

And at the rate my husband is going (translated, so far he is refusing to go to WORK!!!) it looks like we could be here one or two YEARS, not one or two MONTHS (as promised). And if he continues to "lampshade" it really doesn't look like he would come with me and Bear even if I can save my *pennies* to get out of here.

And... really? Gods... if that is the case, then why can't I just be "done" (with him)???

:wah::wah2::bangyourh

[wintermagick]

I'm remembering that day, hand in hand, in New Orleans with the muggy sun shining down. That day it was the most perfect moment. No questions on belief. No questions on someone's devotion to me. It was just all.. there. Some people can keep all of that for life. Goddess, why can't I?

[wintermagick]

Today in My December:

It's working. More and more everyday the counting of the blessings is working, despite Ground Zero.

*a big Great Mother embrace*
:yayhawaii:heartthro_cloud9_

Oh... and BTW, Universe, sis and I already knew we were Slytherins, despite the liscence plate! :hehehehe:

[wintermagick]

I want a Plankton daemon moment too! :hahugh:

[wintermagick]

Thank you, my dear hairy aunt... you have just sorted me in Slytherin more than ever. You must have a real buttload of hate in your heart. I don't hate you... which is funny... cause I'm the one that got the shorter end of the stick. I just feel sorry for you because as effed up as my life has been I will never be near as pathetic as you. So have fun building that Michael Jackson robot, you runt.

[wintermagick]

He asked about the rings... amazing that he noticed, but I still couldn't fully tell him no. Why is that, my dear Mother Goddess? Because I'd still want to make it work if he came back to reality... which... in itself is a very dim not bloody likely reality in itself. I want to go back to making out in the rain, walking hand in hand in balmy New Orleans. Am I actually enslaved my these memories?

[wintermagick]

I've finally put in my two weeks at that horrible job... for in April I will finally have my cosmotology liscence and will be moving on!!!!! Crossing my fingers and hopes and prayers that I can get into CCFK Salon by the first week of May!!! Even though it really hurt, thank you Mother Goddess for that swift kick in the butt this morning.

Thank you for RH, the only one there to see the "real me". I will miss him and I hope he will someday be in a position where they actually see his talents, instead of use him shamelessly.

Thank you for the light of hope for my family, every day I see improvements in SM... may his mind heal and he return to us and his rightful place.

[wintermagick]

http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10752;417/st/20080413/e/until+adios+Kroger%21%21%21/k/e676/event.png
(http://www.TickerFactory.com/)

[RubyRose]

Wow!

[wintermagick]

I wonder if I'm all wrong about God's the Gods'/Godesses' "plan".

I wonder if the Whoa is getting the love she should have really had.

I wonder why events turned as they did this morning.

I wonder if that conversation for us so long ago is a spiritual sign of where I should be.

I wonder if that person is going to somehow remain "around" through all of the people we know, and if it is supposed to matter in any way, shape, or form.

I wonder why those like "us" suffer through these things ~ was it ever supposed to be this hard?

I wonder, of course, where you are in all of this...

I wonder would there be a chance if circmstances became "different"?

I wonder... "for how much longer can I howl into this wind?"

[wintermagick]

...that I did for myself, for W, for my life back in late April or early May... yes... many changes came about, and only for the better. I owe much gratitude, thanks, my life/my soul to You. Thank You.