An issue that affects many

[Yvonne Belisle]

In a thread that is no longer with us it came to my attention that many of us have come into contact with victims of rape or battered wives or abused children. Some of us are survivors of that. This thread is not so much about our experiences but is to provide information on what occurs with the victim and the abuser, as well as some of the motivations common in both victim and abuser.

Many people are confused as to why a woman would stay with someone who hurts them. This confusion is very understandable, after all, if someone is hitting you then why not leave? It's hard to conceive how many factors enter into this equationOften the abuser isolates the victim, making them feel that they are the only one who can be counted on, or that they love the abuser. They frequently work off of the insecurities of the victim so that the victim feels as if their own opinions and observations are false. This is often a gradual process and isn't really noticed at all. As victims we are eager to please our abuser for fear they may leave us then we won't be able to make it in the world, for they have placed a sense of dependancy and insecurity in the victim. This view is false but when you are there it doesn't seem like it remember many battered partners are already victems of child abuse or have low self esteem to begin with so it isn't so far of a leap thinking wise. Often the abuser has led to the victim to believe that no one will believe them, or that they deserve the abuse. When we believe we got what we deserved we are not as likely to leave. There is a clinical term for this conditioning it is called Stockholm Syndrome. There are a number of pages on the web that deal with this facinating mind set and conditioning. I have given you three to look over.

http://www.syntac.net/hoax/stock.php

http://web2.iadfw.net/ktrig246/out_of_cave/sss.html

http://www.nzgirl.co.nz/articles/269

As to rape and why it is not reported as often as it should be, the primary reason is shame. The way our legal system works so the attacker gets a fair trial, the victim is put on trial for validity. There have been cases where the past history is brought into the court room. In one case the rapist was completely let off because the victim wore no underwear. Rape is often mistaken as a crime of passion. Rape is purely about control... NOT passion. Motivation for the individuals commiting the rape is varied but when it's chopped down, it all comes down to control. The victim is left with a feeling of violation and shame. Often they will take a shower that lasts for hours, while scrubbing their skin raw, trying to rid themselves of the dirty feeling the abuser has instilled in them. Post tramatic stress disorder is a common leftover from the experience. Problems with relationships can be another area affected by a rape indicent. Here are a few links on the aftermath of rape.

http://www.spirited-women.com/mind/rape.shtml

http://www.nmu.edu/www-sam/cnsel_ctr/rape.htm

http://malicia_25.tripod.com/

I would like to say to those that have been hurt by either of these two situations that anger and hate are very normal to feel afterwards. I have felt them myself but there is healing and laughter out there too. Peace to you all.

To those that are seeking to understand those that have been threw this I hope that this has been helpful to you.

[shnen]

very well said! :)

and muchly needed as well.

[Danustouch]

I agree, yvonne. It's not always so cut and dry, to the woman being abused, that she should leave her abuser. And our justice system is such, that during any court proceedings from rape, or abuse, the lawyer defending the accused makes quite an issue of trying to lay the blame on the victim. Taking the stand in a case where a woman is abused, or raped, can make the victim feel the abuse/rape all over again. Their lives are opened up, analyzed, and probed. They are made to question themselves, to doubt themselves, to doubt their memories. People in these situations may even feel they cannot trust even themselves, even YEARS after the abuse/rape happens. "How could I not have known he was THAT kind of guy". "How could I allow my kids to witness my husband beating me?", "Did I deserve it?". Questions like these can haunt the mind of a woman or man who has been in an abusive relationship, or has been raped. And when a person goes to trial, all of these doubts and fears are opened up, and exploited. It is an incredibly painful process. Another thing is that many people who are abused, just want to move on with their lives once the situation is "done". They want to feel "normal" again, and try to lead a "normal" life again. They want to try to get back on their feet again. And legal proceedings make that so difficult, by continually opening up the wounds that they feel. Making them think about the situation, over and over again. Having to face the perpetrator in the court room. This is another reason why sometimes these things go unreported. Obviosly, juries in these cases need to know all of the details, to come up with a fair judgement. Obviosly, the accused has a right to a fair trial. But, even so, the victims in these cases cannot help but fear and revile the process that they must go through, when all they really want, is to pick up the pieces of their lives, and move on. It is a very difficult situation to be in.

[Faery-Wings]

Yvonne, thanks for posting those links. As someone who asked her attacker to walk her home after the incident because she was afraid, I can understand so many of the feelings you mention. It is very important that we look at these issues carefully in order to help the victim feel less at fault, less shamed, less alone.

If anyone ever needs to talk about these issues confidentially, feel free to pm me anytime.

[MidnightSun]

I want to add a website with lots of info. www.rainn.org
If you are a Tori Amos fan you probably know about this website.

[Flar's Freyja]

There are also quite a few links in the Frustration Support thread stuck at the top of this forum :)

[Burning Goddess]

Having recently been a rape victem I TOTALLY understand why we women don't report the crime. While I was in the hospital, I was interrogated by the police and made to feel like I was lying or crazy. They didn't believe that I was raped because there were no marks. Something I learned a LONG time ago is that if you cooperate with the attacker he WON'T hurt you. There weren't any marks because I allowed him to do what he wanted to my body. (I told the police this and they said it was CONCENTUAL SEX!!!) ......Never in my life have I felt as ashamed as I did that day.... now I have problems going out of my house alone. I won't answer the door or phone. I'm having physical problems and I'm SURE they are related to the rape and subsequence mental anguish caused by both the rapist AND police. I trust noone now except my husband and don't go ANYWHERE without him. Sad but true..... I CAN'T live my life to the fullest now because of what that male and the system did to me....... I start therapy on the 31st (if I can get the guts to go out alone by then)

[Yvonne Belisle]

If you feel the need to talk to someone who has been there a well and has many of the hangups left from it I am almost always online if I have stepped away from my computer I well im back as soon as I get back to the comp. My contact info is in my signiture feel free to im me if you need me

[Danustouch]

You can also contact me if you want. Danustouch on AIM.

I'm so sorry that the system put you through that ringer. Most hospitals/clinics and such are given extensive training in sensitivity to rape victims, so I am exceedingly surprised that they treated you so poorly :( I'll repeat what the police officer in my case years ago told me. If you said No...at any point, and he proceeded...it is rape. ((((((((((YOU)))))))))))) Find yourself a damned good lawyer honey! I'd really make an example out of that hospital/clinic, too if I were you!