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View Full Version : AAAHHH !!! MIL's -- Vent --



RayneStorm
December 31st, 2007, 09:10 PM
I cant believe it!! My husband just dropped off our 7month old at his moms house cuz she's taking him overnight. Anyway, I guess she wanted to feed him some solids (which I didnt know otherwise I would've packed some of the homemade baby food that I made) So she went and got some store bought stuff. Fine, I'm okay with that. While hubby was still there she started to feed him some jarred peaches which Luke didnt like (he scrunched up his face) so she tasted it and was like "oh, yuck, I know what you mean". So you know what she did?? According to hubby she "lightly dusted" it with SUGAR!!! AAHH!! Hubby and I had talked and agreed that Luke was not going to have sweets or sugar, at least for a little while. He's just now starting solids and getting his first two teeth in. And stood right there while she "lightly dusted" sugar on Lukes food just so that he would eat it!!!

I guess I cant rely on hubby on to stand up to his family reguarding this and I'm going to have to do it myself. Convenently I'm NEVER around with any of this stuff takes place.. Hmmm, I wonder why!!

If his mother is going to be taking Luke for over night stays I'm gonna NEED to know I can trust her and so far .....

Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest

Rayne

SilverClaw
December 31st, 2007, 09:35 PM
if I was your MIL I would be running for cover....

:hugz:


Hubby and I had talked and agreed that Luke was not going to have sweets or sugar, at least for a little while. Boy he must have issues standing up for himself why if you two agreed to it would he let it happen?

More :hugz: for you



Convenently I'm NEVER around with any of this stuff takes place.. Hmmm, I wonder why!! Heaven forbid you will say no :lol: :)

Ceres
December 31st, 2007, 09:48 PM
It sounds like you simply will have to forgo leaving your son in Gramma's care.

Seren_
December 31st, 2007, 09:58 PM
I'm in a pretty similar situation with my in laws, with my father-in-law sneaking my daughter sweeties at every opportunity when we're not looking. My husband caught him once and did say something, and he hasn't done it since, but still...They just don't understand. It's frustrating, but...

On the one hand I feel very strongly about wanting to establish good eating habits in my children, and encouraging them to be adventurous about food without having to mask the taste with a ton of sugar. I don't give my daughter, now nine months, anything with sugar in it, especially because she obviously has a sweet tooth and I want to encourage her with vegetables, and encourage a healthy balanced diet.

On the other hand, though, it's the grandparents role to spoil the grandkids. I don't agree with the approach of giving kids sweets to make them like you, but in the long run it won't hurt your son to get the odd taste of sugary stuff, and I remember my own mother's despair that every time my nan used to look after me and my sister we'd end up with a plate of sugar and slices of apple or orange to eat...We would have eaten the fruit anyway, but the sugar was a bonus and that in itself never did us any harm, and it was one of those things that helped us understand that Things Were Done Differently At Home. My nan's of the generation that was deprived of these things when she was young and so are my in-laws, so I can understand why they're so sugar obsessed...To them it's the ultimate treat, and sacrifice in some ways, so it's an expression of how much they love us.

However, I feel the same as you in that I want to know I can trust my in-laws to respect my wishes/parenting choices when I leave my kids with them. They may not agree with my choices, but I want to know that they'll respect them anyway. The issue of when to give my kids sweets is important in this respect, because it represents much more...BUT I've had to accept that my in-laws just don't have the same understanding of nutrition as I do, and at the end of the day, what they've been doing won't kill my kids, even if I do think given a one-year-old a caffeinated fizzy drink with carcinogenic ingredients in it is A Bad Idea (but never mind)...Having expressed our preference that they don't do this sort of thing, though, they've respected our wishes. If they didn't I wouldn't let them near my kids if I wasn't there.

I'm getting the message through to them slowly, but most importantly my husband has been helping, even if he does put it in terms of "don't do that, the wife will shout at me," rather than "we'd prefer it if Rosie didn't have sweets just yet..."

aluokaloo
January 1st, 2008, 12:26 PM
did you talk to her about this before?If so, you have a right to be a little miffed, if not take a deep breath, calm down and explain to her the reasons why you don't your child to have sugar on his peaceh. Also don't you ever remember going to see the movie where your parents didn't want you to see with a grandparent? or staying up waaaaaaaaay past bedtime? That's just what they do, :D so as long as they don't overdo it it shouldn't be too bad. at least not when the kid is a little older anyways.;)

RayneStorm
January 1st, 2008, 02:36 PM
Well first, no I havent spoken with her about it. I didnt think I had to. I thought it was common sense NOT to give 7month old babies who are just developing their teeth sugar. But hubby and I had talked about it before and we both agreed, no sugar. He was there when she gave our son sugar and he should've said no! Period! Instead, he didnt think it was such a big deal as she didnt put very much on it (I wasnt there so I dont know how much she did or not). Anyway, maybe it's not a big deal, I dont know. But what I do know is that my hubby has a MAJOR sweet tooth and most of the ppl on that side of the family (kids and adults included) are over weight. I go over for dinners and such and ALOT of the dishes are laced with sugary stuff.

He's only 7months old with two of his bottom teeth coming thru. Does anyone think I'm over reacting or should I be okay with this? I'm asking honestly. If I am over reacting then I'd like to know ....

Also, when hubby got home last night he also mentioned to me that his mom suggested feeding Luke in the morning EGGS!! I dont know what form but does it really matter? Anyway, to this hubby said NO!! <whew>

Rayne

RainInanna
January 1st, 2008, 02:41 PM
For that generation there was nothing wrong with giving a kid a little sugar or even honey (my FIL suggested we do this to get my son to take a pacifier).

If it bothers you then calmly talk to her.

Then if she still does that sort of thing you do have a reason to be upset.

Otherwise she probably thinks nothing of it.

ladyalpha
January 1st, 2008, 03:33 PM
I would breathe first of all. Then when calm sit down with the grandparents and explain what it is that you want to allow and what you don't want to allow. If she is going to be keeping your son over night, or at any time that your not going to be there to point out every single thing that is ok or not, then you have to get them on the same page. Other than getting upset every time they do something that you have deemed not ok and just assume that they should know what you and your husband were thinking on the subject.

Different generations raised their kids differently. My mom has (or had) a parenting book that belonged to her mom. It encouraged putting a child in a playpen and letting them stay there all day long. Because you could get what needed done, done..and it would be alright development wise because the child would learn to stand and walk around in it. Obviously, we have found that isn't the best way to do things for our children..but hundreds of babies were treated that way and are fine.

In this case with the dusting of sugar, I would say brush his teeth and gums afterwards and relax. It will not kill him and it won't necessarily make him pine for sweets later, ruin his teeth, cause behavioral problems or make him over weight. Explain your postion to the grandparents and ask for their respect. But, also respect their positions and know that they aren't (in this case) trying to harm him in some way. She tasted it, found that it was bland or whatever, and thought with a little sweetening he would enjoy them.
Yeah at 7 months, I wouldn't be giving a child a soda and twinkies..but in this case I think she had good intentions, even if they did go against your and your husband's decision..but remember, she didn't/doesn't know about that decision.

Also, you will have to teach him moderation. Obviously, at this time he won't understand that concept. But, since you are with him more than they will be..he will learn. And as he gets older you can explain how a little bit won't harm your body (in fact, some is good for us) but in large amounts it can cause problems and explain some of them. (This is a good lesson for many things in life too, not just sugar).

I think it is easy with a first child to get into the mindset that only our way is the best way. But, their child lived and while he may love sweets, he obviously has some winning characterists or you wouldn't be married to him and having children with him. He may need to learn when to speak up..but is it possible he did not speak up on this because he doesn't totally agree that it would harm the baby to have some? Did he just agree with you to make you happy while thinking something else?
Not trying to second guess either of you. But, sometimes we do agree with people to end a discussion. Or if we feel that we won't win anyway. If he isn't totally convinced, it would explain why he didn't jack his mom up over trying to make the peaches taste a little better.

And children must learn at some point that things are different in each setting and with different people. When he is older and attends school, he will really learn the difference. Different sitters will do things differently, etc. So consider all the things he will learn from the people that love him and have good intentions when it comes to him.

Just my opinions and you can do with them what you want. But, no matter what..I would strongly suggest sitting down and filling these people in on your parenting style and beliefs. Otherwise you really don't have a reason to be upset all the time when they break a rule that they didn't know existed. And you will spend your son's (and future children's) life angry and upset with everyone. Which is no way to have to live..and will be picked up on by your child as he gets older. Which will open a whole new set of issues.

Lorrie
January 1st, 2008, 03:40 PM
I am going through this with my daughters baby. She doesn't want her daughter to have sweets. I do as the parents want no matter what. my mom keeps trying to give the baby candy, and gets all mad when I won't allow it. "just a little?" NO!!!!!!!! NONE!!! Why can't people leave it alone???? She is trying her best to be a good parent and do the best for her child! There are plenty of treats that she CAN have, she loves fruit and veggi's, give her a treat of some of those instead! I share your frustration. On the other hand, I recently found out that my son has decided at some point that he does not want his kids to have any sugar. I have no problem with this, but it would have been much nicer if he would have informed me of this instead of going around telling people that I am so terrible. The worst part was, I had made a square pan of brownies. I gave the kids each one. I had two, that makes 4. yes? Well, they get there to pick up the kids after work at 12:30am, I tell them there are brownies in the kitchen, to help themselves. The gf runs in there, grabs all but 1. ( 2 for each of them). I don't mind, I didn't want a bunch left or I would eat them. What got me was a few weeks later, word gets back to me that they were mad at me for feeding all the brownies to the kids. WTF??????? they only got one each!!! there have been a few more incidents like this happening, I hear more every few weeks as they tell my daughter. Anywho, yeah, why can't people have respect for the parents wishes???? They raised their kids, it's not there place.

ladyalpha
January 1st, 2008, 03:47 PM
I think when those intentions are made clear to a person they should be followed and respected. I know I would be angry if I told someone not to do something and they did it anyway. But, as is the case with what your going through Lorrie, this woman wasn't informed either.
It is easy to get angry after finding out about something but that could be saved if people would just fill other people in on what they are wanting done with thier children.

Not everyone can read minds or do it all the time. As parents, it is our job to decide what we will and will not allow and it is our job to let others around our children know that. It is then the other people's job to respect and honor those things.
Then, when it isn't..that is the time to get angry and start jumping on people for disregarding/disrespecting us.

RayneStorm
January 1st, 2008, 03:49 PM
Hmm.. Okay, well thanks. Food for thought. I certainly dont want to go through life angry or upset with everyone! And I definately dont want to become over protective or smother my kid.... I'm new to all of this and most of the time I'm not sure how to react when this type of thing happens (maybe it's a good thing that I havent been there when this stuff happens) so my first reaction is to get upset or pissed off. Not so much at my MIL (okay, maybe a little bit) but mostly at hubby who was there when we talked about Luke and what we wanted to eat and not eat.

I dunno, maybe I should just relax a bit more. I mean, these ppl had kids and they're all still alive. Besides, Lukes mostly with me anyway.

Eggs however I know you're not supposed to give babies but at least two of the family members I know of have given babies eggs before.... And last night my MIL suggested giving eggs to Luke this morning because he wasnt interested in eating the jarred food she bought (when he's actually used to eatting real homemade baby food, and the reason she put sugar in it). If I had known she wanted to feed him solids I would've packed some for her but she never said anything to us....

RayneStorm
January 1st, 2008, 03:56 PM
Okay, so it seems like everyone is saying that I didnt mention anything to my MIL. Well, no you're right. I didnt. BUT.... my hubby was THERE while this incident was taking place so HE should have told her, right? Why is it that I have to be the one? If hubby is there, and his mom is feeding Luke something (or someone else is feeding him something) that hubby and I had talked about previously and had agreed not to give Luke, then HE should be the one to say something. If he's there and I'm not by the time the news gets to me, it's too late. It's been done. Whereas, hubby could step in and stop it the moment it's happening....

Lorrie
January 1st, 2008, 04:02 PM
Okay, so it seems like everyone is saying that I didnt mention anything to my MIL. Well, no you're right. I didnt. BUT.... my hubby was THERE while this incident was taking place so HE should have told her, right? Why is it that I have to be the one? If hubby is there, and his mom is feeding Luke something (or someone else is feeding him something) that hubby and I had talked about previously and had agreed not to give Luke, then HE should be the one to say something. If he's there and I'm not by the time the news gets to me, it's too late. It's been done. Whereas, hubby could step in and stop it the moment it's happening....


I agree with you so much there! He has to help out, and it is HIS mother, HIS responsibility!

ladyalpha
January 1st, 2008, 04:43 PM
I do agree that he should speak up when he sees things happening that you two have agreed on. Have you asked him why he doesn't? If so, does he have a reason?
Some people don't like confrontation at all. And some people bend over backwards to please their moms..for better or worse.

I honestly don't remember when I started feeding my children eggs. I know that it can be an allergy food.. You may want to tell them that you want to hold off on that type of food until you can speak to the doctor to find out when it is safe for him to have them.
According to this site: http://www.babycenter.com/0_foods-that-can-be-unsafe-for-your-baby_9195.bc he could have the yokes, but you should wait on the whites until he is at least a year old..more if allergies are a high risk.

And unfortunally, a lot of things fall on the mother's shoulders to do. It isn't fair but it is how it seems to fall.

aluokaloo
January 1st, 2008, 05:11 PM
no your not overreacting, not at all. You're the top dog, and what you say goes. However since your DH didn't reinforce the rules, try taking her in hand and asking her not too. She honestly didn't know, so explain why you'd prefer she didn't do it. You make the rules, and I'm sure she'll understand and respect, but it's not like she was doing it on purpose to make you mad. Especially when nobody told her. When I've had somebody babysit my kid, I laid down ground rules, when she naps, what she is and is not allowed to have, etc. etc. It was all lack of communication on everybody's part, yours included no offense. I'm sure she'll understand.

Lorrie
January 1st, 2008, 05:16 PM
I remember the first time I watched my step-grandson, they came to drop him off, and I asked Jamie, now how do you want things done??? She got this really confused look on her face and stammered a little, and finally she said, I have no idea how I do things, I just DO them!!!:T

RainInanna
January 2nd, 2008, 08:35 PM
BUT.... my hubby was THERE while this incident was taking place so HE should have told her, right? Why is it that I have to be the one?

Well what was his reason when you asked him? You haven't mentioned yet how you have discussed it with him and asked him to explain, so I'm just wondering? Since he hasn't, why don't you now?

I just noticed the thread title was "MIL's -- Vent" not "DH's -- Vent" and then you went on and explained that you can't trust your MIL. So, maybe I misunderstood the problem, but I figured it could be sorted out either way if you just talk to your MIL.

sarabethv
January 2nd, 2008, 11:29 PM
Please don't take offense, but I do feel you over reacted just a bit. Before you expect someone to follow your rules, they should know what those rules are.

It is totally up to you what your son eats, but I do wonder if she was taking him overnight why you didn't include some of your home made baby food? Most people don't think to say; "Oh by the way I might want to feed your kid." At seven months he is obviously eating solids, so they should be sent when leaving him somewhere. This would insure that he got what you wanted to feed him.

Husband, (like ladyalpha said) wonder why he didn't say anything - there was obviously time for him to say - we have home made baby food and no we don't add sugar, so maybe he isn't as on board as you think he is, or maybe seeing the joy his mom was having in feeding her grandson he thought that was a bit more important than bitching at his mom about a little sugar.

Personally, when my son was small, I didn't feed him sugar either. I caught my ex putting soda in his bottle and went ballistic on him. Gak, I was a fanatic about him, worried about every hiccup. Thought everything was so important, then something happened to me, and I relaxed.

However, I will admit that my mom, while in general she abided by my rules - we only had one "discussion" over it but we did have a discussion so she would KNOW what I wanted - and she agreed. However she still tended to spoil him. I backed off a little bit and let her spoil him like a grandma - he quickly learned that the chocolate chip cookies and little candies were not a regular thing - but a grandma thing. I am forever grateful I didn't make it a huge family deal and allowed her these little indiscretions because she died when he was 5. Had I made a big deal of it, and not allowed her to see him because of a cookie or two, my son and my mom would have missed out on some very special time. He made her last days happy, and while he doesn't have specific memories of her, he does remember the smells of her kitchen and he now makes her chocolate chip cookies.

So, my advice is - raise your son the way you would like, but step back and think every now and then - is it going to kill him? will it provide a good memory for grandma or him? will the world end if he has a bit of sugar, makes a mess, plays in mud, gets an owie? If the answer is no, then let it go.

SSanf
January 3rd, 2008, 12:06 AM
It is absolutely NOT a big deal. A taste of sweet during the occasional visit to grandma will not hurt your child in any way what-so-ever.

I think you should drop it and focus on having a warm and loving relationship with your MIL. That will do your child a lot more long term good than seeing that any set of rigid rules is adhered to.

Expect that things will be kind of lax when the kids visit her. It won't hurt your child in any way to be spoiled a bit by grandma. That's what loving grandparents do. Kids are good at knowing the different boundries at different places.

What will hurt your child is if they become the object of some kind of power struggle between the two of you. Don't try to make your MIL mind your rules. Just love her for being there and interested in you and the baby. So many aren't.

Remember this. If you have to be top dog, that still makes you a dog.

SphinYote
January 3rd, 2008, 01:25 PM
I'll agree that it was your husband's responsibility under the circumstances to pass along your wishes.

However it did catch me by surprise whn you said you assumed it was commonsense that you don't feed a baby sugar. While the people here are more...how should I say...enlightened on the issue, most families don't think twice about it.

Most formula has sugar of some sort, even if it isn't cane sugar. Might be concentrated milk sugar, but there generally is something sweetening it.

Most parents I know feed even infants soda, sugar based foods, when they go on solids there's the occasional peaches and cream instant oatmeal, pudding of all sorts, even a sprinkling of sugar on mashed potatoes. Its not at all common sense not to give a child sugar (though I'll agree it should be).

It may be that your husband isn't as intense on the issue as you are, and he does probably think the occasional bit is OK. And I don't think a very small amount does any harm to be honest (though my mom did do the same thing when I was younger, and the first time my cousin gave me real chocolate chip cookies as opposed to my mom's homemade ones, which she made with honey, I was definitely hooked....:D, but that was as a toddler, so the issues may be different).

Your mother in law probably doesn't view it as common sense, and very few people actually do, I've found. Or at least, they do think its good to give them a treat, regardless of what they might pracktice in general.

So definitely talk to her yourself, but don't be confrontational about it and try to see things from her perspective, because with the exception of a few more knowledgeable people, its not common sense to restrict sugar from babies and most people see it as a special treat or just another part of the diet.

Yote

RayneStorm
January 3rd, 2008, 01:28 PM
Thanks everyone for the great advice! I know I need to relax, I just find it hard sometimes as this is my first kid, ya know. Which is why I come on here and ask for advice, find out if I'm over reacting.
Sarabethv, you're absolutely right. I should've automatically included our homemade solid food for him for an over night visit! I dont know why I never thought about it!!
It's just that I'm so new at all this, I dont know what's right, what's wrong, what's good and what's not.....
The sugar thing I freaked a little bit because 1)Lukes just getting teeth and I dont want them to rot out (not that they will with that little amount of sugar) 2) almost everyone on that side of the family has a MAJOR sweet tooth (which can develope quickly I hear) and are over weight. However, Luke is mostly with me anyway so he wont be eating tons of sweets. But I still worry or am concerned for him reguarding his weight. If he takes after me, then it will be hard to control the weight but if he takes after my hubby then he'll have good metabolism.

Lunacie
January 3rd, 2008, 01:37 PM
So... you and your hubby have talked about what kind of foods you'd like to see your little fellow eating, and he seems to have agreed with you. But then he takes the little guy to visit gramma and sees gramma giving him the kind of food you talked about not giving him. Now hubby could either explain to gramma that you don't want to give him those foods (at least not just yet) or he could keep his mouth shut and not tell you that gramma is doing this. Is it just me, or is he playing you both off each other?

SphinYote
January 3rd, 2008, 01:45 PM
Heh, True. can vouch for the sweet tooth developing quickly.

Apparently my first word was "cookie."

Also, I didn't say so in my previous post, but I think its perfectly normal for you to be upset, that's the way it is, especially with young children. Its good that you care. There are too many people who start off with ideals, but then never stand by them, with constant excuses for each "exception," and all too often the supposed exception is actually the norm....

Good luck.

Yote

RayneStorm
January 3rd, 2008, 01:51 PM
Well, no offense to my hubby but he's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. He doesnt do a whole lot of clear thinking until it's either too late or pointed out to him. I love him, dont get me wrong. But when he cheated on me (not physically) he didnt think anything was wrong with that. So I dont think he's playing anyone. I think he just doesnt really think about things sometimes. He said that he didnt think the sugar was such a big deal because she didnt put alot in (I however wasnt there so I dont know how little she put in) so maybe he's right in that.
He's also a bad communicator (as am I) so he not only doesnt tell his mom anything but he "forgets" to tell me stuff too.