Please tell me your thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ILOVEAUTUMNS]

I must say, Thank Goddess for this board, I can come here and post what is bothering me and with all of your words of wisdom, somehow I can get a grip!

Ok, so my sister sets me up with her boyfriend's friend. Actually she gave him my number months ago but he finally called me on Dec 27th, and we met on the 28th.
He smokes a lot of weed, so he asked prior to coming if I'd like to smoke with him.
I said yes, and so the plan was to smoke the weed on the way to the restaurant.
But as we are driving , everyone is outside so there isn't really any place to park in any of the neighborhoods, etc. to smoke before going to the restaurant so I say for him to come back to my place (as he picked me up there in the first place) and so we smoked the weed in my room.

Then we got back in his truck and that's when I got paranoid.....
I looked at him and he reminded me of someone from high school who was mean to me.... he just had this weird look and I got scared and didn't want him to take me anywhere (to the restaurant, etc.), then he starts talking the following,
"I was the last person to see her alive" referring to his grandma, which really freaked me out to hear , "I was the last person to see her alive" right in that moment, and then a minute or so later he talks about how his best friend shot and murdered someone!!! Now I have asked others about why he said this and they say he was just under the influence and it had nothing to do with him wanting to make me more scared in that moment but it really seems like he chose to talk about these things to make me more scared in that moment, what do you all think?????
so I said to him "um, on second thought I want to stay home, you can leave"........so we are just talking for a few minutes more and he says , "ok, take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere I will call you tomorrow", well, I decide I don't want him to leave yet as I want to give him a chance more (as maybe it's all in my weed imagination.... so we are going back inside the house and the neighbor's dogs are barking what sounds like "cookoo" ... yes I know what you all are thinking right now, so I turn to him and say "did you say cookoo?" making sure it wasn't him and he just said no....
then we get to my room and smoke somemore and I always get a writer's urge so I get out the paper and pen and start writing stuff that the weed makes me think of such as the following.... I tell him "We are both really intense people and that scares people".....
Well anyways later on I take my dog out of the kennel to play with her and he is looking at me in a condescending way as I'm petting her, then when I tell him that she has been hard to train he blurts out, "Give her time, give her a chance".... which I thought was really condescending because I didn't say I wasn't giving her a chance you know, all I was freakin saying was that she has been hard to train!!!!
You see what I mean by this???

So I can still see that he is smirking at me in this condescending way later on so I call him out on it (while we are still smoking), I say, why do you laugh at me like that, and he says it is just a nervous habit he has had since highschool....
which I buy at the time but now I'm trying to figure out if he was lying about that or really laughing at me in a condescending way.

So the next day Saturday, I text him that I owe him some fries.... as I did ask to have his as I was really hungry after smoking the weed....
and he says ---ok and that he is at work and has to go to a christmas dinner(which is confusing because it was obviously after christmas unless he meant a new years dinner? for work later that night---
that's all he writes and I don't text back,
then Sunday I text him an appology for acting the way I did on the weed and that given a chance I can proove that I can be normal on the weed,
well he texts back the following messages

************"I'm at work again. No need for appology. I just think everything was too intense for me."****************

He used the word "intense" that is what I had told him we both were when I was high... as you read earlier on of course....
so I thought this was a mockery to what I had said while high.... what are your thoughts on this????

So I text him back with "what do you mean?"

and he texts
************"To be honest I don't see us as a couple. It was very nice to meet you though. You are a special person."*************

Ok right there with saying "you are a special person" after saying the other two lines is so condescending isn't it???????????????? Actually the "it was very nice to meet you though" is condescending too do you agree????

I think it's rude he would jump to not seeing us as a couple after one date of me being high anyways!!!!!!!!!,
All he had to say is, (this is what I wished he had said of course but didn't.......
"I would like to be friends first and get to know you better and see where things lead"----------------now if he had wrote that that would have showed he has a good heart....
but by totally ruling me out saying
"To be honest I don't see us as a couple"--------I thought was bluntly rude and insensitive , especially after what I had shared with him about my personal life (including my past) while under the influence of weed... which would at least make us friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,
but to put it like he did with "I don't see us as a couple".... was such an abrupt conclusion to make after only one date... plus even if that was the case... all he had to say is ,(again what I wished he had said............ "I'd like to be friends with you"

So I felt stunned because on friday he showed up with a single yellow rose which is for friendship anyways so to just text, "I dont see us as a couple" was rude on so many levels because he was sort of saying he didn't want to even hang out with me anymore.... does anyone see what I mean by this and how it seemed that way from his text????

So anyways I just would like to hear your thoughts on him, etc.

I know I have posted here whenever I was in need, and you people have always come through for me with honesty and wisdom,
I am up early in the morning thinking about all of this,
especially how on Friday he said several times to me even back at the house while we were smoking , "take all the time you need, I aint going anywhere", about him and the relationship!!!

Then the surprise texts on Sunday!?

[Fire-scryer]

Apparently you freaked out a little too much while you were high. It seems to me you were picking out things he was doing and "making" them condescending. When you said your dog was hard to train and he said "give her time" that seems like a natural response to me. Maybe he thought you were complaining about the dog and he was jumping to her defense rather than slighting you?

As far as the "I don't see us as a couple" part, in all honesty, you did freak out on him a couple times from what I read and he was probably telling you that in a nicer way. Just because the dialog did not pan out exactly like you wanted does not mean he was being hostile toward you, it just means he was not interested and he let you down in the best way he could.

I don't know everything I am sure. I was not there so I could not judge body language or facial expressions, but this is what it seems like to me on the surface.

You guys were going to a restaurant, you smoked, freaked out, then didn't want to go and you told him to leave. You gave him another chance and then got on to him about how he was talking to you when it could have been your imagination the whole time (then again, maybe not. I wasn't there so it's hard to tell). Basically, the whole situation seems like a buzz kill and a bad first impression. Which is probably why he said things were too intense and that he didn't want to see you again.

I could be wrong, but it's just how I see things from the surface.

[ILOVEAUTUMNS]

Fire-scryer,
may I assume from your post that you are male and live in the northern states?
It just seems northern men are so cold and if the woman is not a stepford woman then they won't even be friends with her....

I think it's cold that this man said this and not "let's just be friends" and if you can't see that then you have a cold outlook on the dating scene and women!!!

[Philosophia]

I thing Fire-scryer is right. The guy just wants to be friends with you and is backing away to give some distance. He could've felt you were overcrowding and suffocating him to a point where he needed to create some space. Don't take it personally and move on to the next person.

[ILOVEAUTUMNS]

Philosophia,
how could he have felt overcrowded or suffocated from any of what I did???

Plus, no one has said yet what they thought of him talking about his friend who murdered someone right when I was having the panic attack...

everyone is fixated on how a guy is allowed to be so picky in this society when he is the one who brought the weed to smoke in the first place!!!!!!!

[Fire-scryer]

Fire-scryer,
may I assume from your post that you are male and live in the northern states?
It just seems northern men are so cold and if the woman is not a stepford woman then they won't even be friends with her....

I think it's cold that this man said this and not "let's just be friends" and if you can't see that then you have a cold outlook on the dating scene and women!!!

No, I am a southern guy. I thought you asked for advice. I just told you the way I see things from an objective angle. I was not trying to be hateful or cold and I really don't think I deserved what you just threw at me.

I am not going to get into a bickering match with you. You asked for help and I tried to open it up to where you could see things from every possibility. I am not saying you were totally wrong and I am not saying he was totally wrong. I just think it's important to see situations from all sides. You two just met and there could be things below the surface for both of you and this could all be a misunderstanding.

If you are really that interested in this guy then talk to him about it. Get everything out in the open. Tell him how you felt and find out how he felt. Communication is a two way street. Maybe something can be salvaged if you two just try to understand each other.


everyone is fixated on how a guy is allowed to be so picky in this society when he is the one who brought the weed to smoke in the first place!!!!!!!

It is his right to be picky. It is your right to move on. Society has no bearing on how someone should act when choosing a mate. It is up the individuals. Otherwise we would all be paired off and married to whoever society says we can have.

Also, you smoked the weed of your own free will. He didn't hold a gun to your head and force you too. You could have just as easily stayed sober.

Back in my "experimental" days, I would have never gotten high with someone I didn't know and trust for this reason. Things can get easily misinterpreted when you are under the influence and that seems to happen if you don't really know the people you are getting high with.



Plus, no one has said yet what they thought of him talking about his friend who murdered someone right when I was having the panic attack...

Maybe he was trying to open up to you. This could show his interest in you by sharing all aspects of himself.

On the other hand, maybe he was trying to freak you out. If that is the case then yes, you need to move away from him.

[ILOVEAUTUMNS]

ok Fire-scryer I see your perspective

I just haven't had anyone agree with me that all he had to say is he just wants to be friends and how much less rude that would have been then
"I don't see us as a couple"

and then to throw in the cliche nice meeting you and special person speech which is so gag me with a spoon
and a way of wrapping it up to say within the cliches that he doesn't even want to be friends you know what I mean????????

[Philosophia]

Philosophia,
how could he have felt overcrowded or suffocated from any of what I did???

I can't read minds so I have no idea. However, by what you have stated about his actions and words, I would say that is what he thought.


Plus, no one has said yet what they thought of him talking about his friend who murdered someone right when I was having the panic attack...

IMO, it sounds like he's just trying to make conversation. Unless he's mixing it with other actions and statements, I wouldn't worry.


everyone is fixated on how a guy is allowed to be so picky in this society when he is the one who brought the weed to smoke in the first place!!!!!!!

Who's fixated? He's allowed to be picky, you're allowed to be picky...everybody is allowed to be picky.

[ILOVEAUTUMNS]

I know we are allowed to be picky that's why

"let's just be friends" would have been sweet instead of
"I don't see us as a couple" followed by the gag with spoon
nice meeting you you are special bull that really is a way of saying goodbye
would have been nice to just put
let's just be friends instead of wrapping it up with the special speech

can anyone see what I'm saying??????????????????????

[LacyRoze]

He smokes a lot of weed, so he asked prior to coming if I'd like to smoke with him.
I said yes, and so the plan was to smoke the weed on the way to the restaurant.First off, he asked and you said yes so trying to make him look bad for bringing the weed isn't working.


then he starts talking the following,
"I was the last person to see her alive" referring to his grandma, which really freaked me out to hear , "I was the last person to see her alive" right in that moment, and then a minute or so later he talks about how his best friend shot and murdered someone!!! Now I have asked others about why he said this and they say he was just under the influence and it had nothing to do with him wanting to make me more scared in that moment but it really seems like he chose to talk about these things to make me more scared in that moment, what do you all think?????I would tend to think it was just the weed talking but I wasn't there so I can't say for sure.


I looked at him and he reminded me of someone from high school who was mean to me.... he just had this weird look and I got scared and didn't want him to take me anywhere
"um, on second thought I want to stay home, you can leave"...Here are two occasions where you were uncomfortable with him yet you still allowed him to stay. I would say you sent mixed messages ,whether you meant to or not, which were confusing to him.


then we get to my room and smoke somemoreAgain, you smoked it with him so stop blaming him for bringing it. He didn't force you.


Well anyways later on I take my dog out of the kennel to play with her and he is looking at me in a condescending way as I'm petting her, then when I tell him that she has been hard to train he blurts out, "Give her time, give her a chance".... which I thought was really condescending because I didn't say I wasn't giving her a chance you know, all I was freakin saying was that she has been hard to train!!!!
You see what I mean by this???I don't find this condescending at all. He simply said give her time. I don't see that as an accusation toward you.

As for the "not seeing us as a couple " line? I think he was just being honest. I, personally, would prefer someone be straight up with me. I don't want them to sugar coat it. I find the " we can be friends " line more condescending. As for telling you he was pleased to have met you and you're special, seems to me he was trying to let you down gently. Sure, it's a lame line but it seems to me he was trying. IMHO he just didn't feel a connection with you and he was honest about it. You may not like the way he handled it but that doesn't make him the bad guy. I'd chalk it up to a bad date and move on.

[Myzterio]

I don't really find him to be condescending. In fact, I think he was just being polite about it.
What do you think is so condescending about the line "To be honest, I don't see us as a couple"?
That could, perhaps, show us a bit more about you and why you feel this way.

If you're serious about wanting to see him, talk to him. Communicate. If he wants to, you can try again without the weed perhaps.

[Eternal Night]

That's the thing with smoking weed, it clouds your judgement and makes normal everyday things seem ten times weirder.
I wouldn't put him as condescending at all. I from my own personal experiences of smoking weed you tend to read to much into normal everyday things.

I'd put it down to the fact you pulled a complete whitey and he prolly picked up on that.
And that the way you were acting probably freaked him out a bit.

IMO just put the whole thing down to an odd experience and leave him too it. t's not like from what i can gather you were mega hot for him anyways.
And in future don't smoke weed on a first date with someone you don't really know that well.

[MonSno_LeeDra]

ILOVEAUTUMNS wrote:



Then we got back in his truck and that's when I got paranoid.....
I looked at him and he reminded me of someone from high school who was mean to me.... he just had this weird look and I got scared and didn't want him to take me anywhere (to the restaurant, etc.),


I have to ask, is your persceptions of what he siad being driven by this line? It appears you equated him to another and then transposed those negative sensations upon everything he said. Your statement makes me think you already started seeing it as a negative so anything he did or said had to be in that light.



then he starts talking the following,



You have not prefaced the story so we do not know if he had suffered a recent loss of family or if it was just something that was close to the surface of his mind and the "Weed" moved it to the forfront. Both incidents speak of a loss of a close person and possibly a wandering minds attempt to deal with the issue and try to make some sense out of it.

A lot of your follow on writing shows a mind that is listening to you but also locked upon another thread of though. If the death of one and the loss of another was that tramatic you may have been in a position to assist or even saw the vestage of trying to reason their way through it.

The kennal issue seems to be more a matter of small talk than anything else. Its truthfuly a mater of verbage. Give her time and give her a chance are just that, small talk of an issue that is not dear to you but you want to respond to the issue. It's being aware of what you are saying but trying to talk without actually having a connection to the issue.



then Sunday I text him an appology for acting the way I did on the weed and that given a chance I can proove that I can be normal on the weed


If this is a true statement then I have to inquire what was your abnormal action? It indicates to me you yourself recongize that your actions and assumptions where flawed.



************"To be honest I don't see us as a couple. It was very nice to meet you though. You are a special person."*************


I honestly do not see where the statement is wrong or belittling. He makes a statement that he does not see the two of you as a couple. Yet he also says it was nice to meet you and he though you where a special person. I mean are you saying it is wrong for him to think you special even though he doesn't think you could be a couple?



To be honest I don't see us as a couple"--------I thought was bluntly rude and insensitive , especially after what I had shared with him about my personal life (including my past) while under the influence of weed... which would at least make us friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,


Your thread doesn't tell us what you shared with him so it's assumption on our part as to what was said. Yet why should the fact you shared something under the influence of a drug make him your friend? Understand you perhaps but a friend that makes no sense. To my thinking that sort of implies that every person I meet on the street that I talk to should be my friend for I have revealed things about myself to them.

I can't but wonder if you have not read things into this that you want to see or hear that may not have been thier to begin with. You reference about taking all the time you want yet have stated it was delivered in content to going to the resturant to eat. Yet in post analysis it is used in content to a relationship that didn't appear to have existed to begin with. How can thier be a relationship if it is but the first time you have gone out and then originated as a blind date not one set up by either of you from knowning each other.

That thier may have been an attraction thier is possible for the line where he says you are special and nice but he didn't think you could be a couple. That he showed up at a later point with a friendship rose says thier is the possibilty but it has to be cultivated and thier was something about you that did infact make him come back.