What should I do?

[Ariste]

So today is like the last straw for me. My SIL is driving me crazy. Her daughter is a year old today. When she was first born she insisted on nursing. She refused to give her daughter a bottle. She went to LLL and they told her to put away her clocks. This resulted in her nursing the baby for about 2 min on each side. I told her that meant Lindsey was not latching on right and she was not getting enough to eat. Two different doctors told her Lindsey was not eating enough. Her mom, my mom, and several friends told her Lindsey was not eating enough. Holly decided Lindsey just had colic. When Lindsey was about 4 months old Holly started giving her cereal on a spoon and juice in a sippy cup without a valve in it. She started gaining some weight but got constipated. I told Holly it was because she wasn't drinking. She wasn't ready for a sippy cup and was just spilling it all over. At 6 months Holly started feeding her solid foods, including lunch meat. At a year old my SIL claims Lindsey weighs all but 20lbs. I bought a not quite 20 lbs turkey for Xmas that I could not lift comfortably. I have no trouble lifting and holding Lindsey. I'd be surprised if she is more than 13 lbs. Lindsey is getting some teeth now, but I am TERRIFIED she is going to choke on something one of these days.

Today Holly called me cause Lindsey was screaming and she couldn't handle it. I asked if she was eating (thinking she might be sick or constipated) Holly said "No, she didn't eat lunch cause she didn't like it" I asked what she gave her. Pork and Sauerkraut. .... and then she refused to give Lindsey anything else, because she didn't eat what was set in front of her.

Does anyone else see this as just wrong? I mean she's only a year old. I don't think I gave Tana real meat like that till she was atleast 2 or 3...maybe older. Holly wanted me to come over and handle Lindsey for her. I told her if I came over, I was gonna feed Lindsey something appropriate, so she might as well feed her herself and then call me back if she still wouldn't settle. I think she's mad at me now, but I am at the end of my rope with this. I mean, my SIL is my BEST FRIEND, and I don't want to alienate her. But how can I sit back and just watch her do something I feel is SOOO dangerous to my niece's health? And now she's talking about having another baby. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Chaos Hawk]

It's always hard when dealing with someone elses kid and parenting styles. If you really feel the child is in danger I would call the Dr.'s office and talk to them. If they feel the child is in danger they can call protective services.

[RainInanna]

Is she still seeing a Dr? I'm surprised the Dr hasn't been more blunt with her. How does she justify feeding her baby those foods? Have you shown her articles about healthy nutrition and good options for babies to eat, maybe as a "by the way, I was looking at this since I'm going to have my baby soon, thought you might find it helpful"?

I just don't understand how she can be so oblivious to the problem she's creating. It's just mind boggling to me. Lunch meat isn't even great for older kids let alone decent for babies.

[Ceres]

When a La Leche Leader advises a mother to "put away the clock" it means to not nurse on a schedule, though she will tell a mother to nurse the baby NO LESS than every three hours as a newborn. A LLL leader would know that the baby needs at least ten minutes at the breast to get thehind milk and all are trained in "red flag" signs that a baby is not getting enough.

Many mothers find their babies get constipated when they begin solids with cereal, particularly rice cereal. As for the turkey comparison, a baby often feels like it weighs less because they sort of wrap themselves around you and are easier to carry.

Her choices of appropriate foods for babies leave a LOT to be desired! They eat so little at this age that every bite has to count - but YOU already know that. The trick is to help her understand that without insulting her so badly she wont listen to anything you have to say. I also think she needs to relax the food rules. Babies that age tend to graze, rather than eat at only at meals. They also have very sensitive taste buds and so a little accomodation is a good thing.

Is the baby still nursing?

[Brigid Rowan]

When a La Leche Leader advises a mother to "put away the clock" it means to not nurse on a schedule, though she will tell a mother to nurse the baby NO LESS than every three hours as a newborn. A LLL leader would know that the baby needs at least ten minutes at the breast to get thehind milk and all are trained in "red flag" signs that a baby is not getting enough.

Many mothers find their babies get constipated when they begin solids with cereal, particularly rice cereal. As for the turkey comparison, a baby often feels like it weighs less because they sort of wrap themselves around you and are easier to carry.

Her choices of appropriate foods for babies leave a LOT to be desired! They eat so little at this age that every bite has to count - but YOU already know that. The trick is to help her understand that without insulting her so badly she wont listen to anything you have to say. I also think she needs to relax the food rules. Babies that age tend to graze, rather than eat at only at meals. They also have very sensitive taste buds and so a little accomodation is a good thing.

Is the baby still nursing?

Yes. What she said.

[Ariste]

No, she stopped nursing when she started feeding her cereal. I finally did convince her to give Lindsey milk in a bottle instead of a sippy with no valve. As for size...Lindsey was over 6 1/2 lbs when she was born and 21 in long. She is a year old now and the 6-9mos clothing are too big on her, unless they have feet in them...then is a length issue. Only a month ago Holly was telling me she was 13 lbs... it's only the last couple days she's been saying she's 20 lbs....I think cause she knows a baby is supposed to triple her weight in the first year. And cause she put her in a front facing carseat. I KNOW she didn't gain 7 lbs in the last month. I mean honestly I was at the LLL meeting 2 months ago and there was a 3mo that was bigger than Lindsey.

Oh and I just talked to her again...she said after she got off the phone with me earlier, she gave Lindsey a Pop-Tart and she settled down. /sigh And when I say she's giving her meat....she's not pureeing it or anything. She just cuts up whatever she's eating and gives it to Lindsey. Chicken, Pork, Steak, Hamburgers.... I've tried giving her books and magazines when I'm done with it...especially on the nutritional and what babies can digest issue. I've been talking with hubby and he said he might try having a private chat with my brother, so it leaves me out of it.

It's just especially frustrating cause everytime Lindsey gets too fussy she calls me and I have to go over and fix it. I mean I didn't mind the first month... I would go over at 2am..but now... Plus why does she call me, and then refuse my advice or get mad at me?

[sarabethv]

Because she is afraid, but still wants to be the Mommy. Sit down with her and talk with her without being judgemental and tell her you are concerned. She probably knows that something is wrong, but not quite what and maybe she has gotten these ideas from some where.

[PandoraHealer]

uhhh.... I have a 1 year old that eats meat...
She has 14 teeth and she'll eat little bits of chicken, hamburger, salmon, etc....
The pieces are cut up small enough to go down without causing a problem- see if she'll cut it up smaller before giving it too her- tell her about the choking hazard.

as for the rest of it.... I agree with the others- sit down and talk to her. just say- look- you keep asking for my help and I really want to help you- do you want to hear what i have to say? and be gentle, be kind, try not to make her feel like she's not a good parent- it sounds like she is somewhat trying.... I know how fast you can get overloaded with a crying baby.
When my kids started crying like that and i needed a break- I'd give them a bottle and some toys in thier crib and go sit outside for a 2-3 minutes and breath in silence.
then i'd go back in and have a totally different energy and be able to calm my child down. its stressful- most of us here have kids and at some point have been overwhelmed.... think about the absolute worst time you've had, when you just thought you were going to rip your own hair out- and talk to her while you think about your hardest time-

I'd just talk to her.... see where it goes....

as for being so small- that is odd. My daughter has a heart defect and we are at 17 lbs. and very happy about it- she's right on the bottom of where her weight should be. she was 7.14 at birth- she turned 1 on dec. 13th and is wearing 6 mo. old clothes... but she's sick...

well.... good luck...

BB-PH

[Ceres]

I gave my babies real meat by a year and I didnt purree it, only cut it up very small. Even without teeth, babies are pretty good at gumming food. The poor weight gain, bad nutritional choices and parenting decisions dont look good, however. Perhaps she may respond if you talked generally about the consequences of her choices for her daughter? Weight is only one aspect of diet. Her daughter is also not going to be getting what she needs for optimal brain growth, bone growth and overall development.

What does her doctor say? If she is bringing her daughter in for wellbaby checks, surely they have noticed she is too small?

[Ariste]

I dunno what her doctor says anymore. I know she switched doctors several times because she was angry at them for telling her Lindsey was not gaining properly. She may not be going for well baby visits anymore. She has just decided that she knows everything and no one can tell her anything....other than some books she's reading, which I don't even know what they are. Until she gets overwhelmed atleast...then she calls me. Any other time I try to talk with her about it she just gets pissed at me.

[DreamSpell333]

I give vinny some solid foods now as well.. Meats(chicken, hamburg mainly but not alot and its cut up really small. if we have vegetables I cut them up small or mash them and give them to him. He eats plain toast cut into small triangles and sscrambled eggs. he eats diced fruits as well (banana's, pears, peaches).

He still gets his regular formula feedings though. I will have to start weaning him once he's a year though,and switch to regular milk..


I would definitely NOT be giving him pork and sauerkraut though. the sauerkraut is sour and has vinegar in it. ever sipped vinegar and have your breathe taken away for a second? I would not give vinny that. I dont let him have junk food either