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Flaire-FireStar
July 11th, 2002, 01:43 AM
Ruth Ann and Robert Lipic knew their kids could make mistakes that would last a lifetime maybe even shorten that lifetime. The couple wanted to limit the risks of drugs and alcohol to their three teenagesrs. So when one of their boys went out, a parent would sometimes follow. And when the boys were away, their rooms and dressers might be inspected. For this, the parents do not apologize. All three boys are now in their 20's and "we're proud of them," she says.

The Lipics are not alone. In recent years, amny parents have thought that they had to engage in espionage to keep taps on their children. The reason for parental anziety is clean. A 1999 report by the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan showed that about 62% of American high-school seniors reported having got drunk. The report also indicated that about 42% had used drugs in the last year.

Another survey shows that roughly half of high-school students in the US have engaged in sexual intercourse .Add this to the trouble found via Internet sex merchants and chat-room stalkers.

What isn't as clear is the propriety of parents spying on their children. Is it right to read their diearies, search their rooms, tail them to hangouts? Conscientious parents can be found on both sides of the issue.
snippity

From: Readers Digest; September 2000 issue
"When Parents Go Snooping by Ross Werland

------------------------

Okay.... I was reading through some old Readers Digest magazines that my mom kept and though this was an interesting topic to bring up.

I agree with the teen in the article...If my parents want to know something, they can just ask me. I don't have anything to hide from them. :)



Sorry if it's a bit long.... and for the typo's. ;)

Faery-Wings
July 11th, 2002, 07:48 AM
My Goddess, I am scared to have teens! :D

Seriously, this is something my husband and I have discussed even though it is far in the future. We really don't like the idea of spying, on the one hand. It is disrespectful and unfair. On the other hand, we would rather spy on our kids and catch a problem early on before something tragic could happen. I have already begun talking to my kids about how they feel about things, on a 6 yo old level. And I always tell them that they can talk to me about *anything* at all that bothers them. I hope that this is setting the tone for later years.

However, both my hubby and I know what happens, we were definitely not the "good" teens. We know they are going to experiment, we know that it can lead to more, often dangerous or harmful situations, we know we can't always protect them. That is scary for a parent.

So far the only thing we have come up with is to keep our eyes and ears really open. If they give us a reason to spy then we well. But until there is just cause, no way. For instance, if they start showing signs of drug use, we'll snoop.

It seems that "stuff" happens earlier and earlier. My friend told me that her best friend found a note in her daughter's room. The girl is 12. The note was from a friend, also 12, who was having oral sex. Ok, when I was 12, I don't think i knew what that was! But it freaks me out. At 12, I do not think a person knows the health risks involved (yes, you can get AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes) as well as the emotional issues involved. Luckily in this case, the mom was able to have a good discussion with her daughter. Hopefully someone will talk to the other girl before something else happens.

Ok I think I am done rambling. Can I throw a question back to the teens? How do you feel about this? Obviously I am sure you don't want your parents spying, but do you feel there is a time that is is appropriate? Or how do your parents deal with this type of issue?

Ack, my brain hurts. :)

callalily
July 11th, 2002, 07:48 AM
My boys aren't teens yet...ask me then. :-)

However, My sister-in-law & her DH were suspicious that their 17-year-old's BF was mistreating her and that she was doing hard drugs. She wasn't talking to them about anything. So they decided to listen in on her phone calls, search her room, ask her friends, and follow her. They were right. They confronted her with all the evidence and she ran away. They knew she was at a girlfriend's house. Their coworkers told them to back off and let her come home when she was ready (the girlfriend was letting them know she was okay. After a week she did come home. There were several bad months. They refused to let her see the abuser and monitored her. She didn't run away again, though. She got back with her "old" friends (i.e., the ones not doing drugs and beating on each other), graduated HS, and is in college.

A story with a very happy ending. (Current BF is a keeper: good to her, clean (drug-wise) has a job, etc.) So I'd say if you're suspicious, it's better to have your teen temporarily hate your living guts than to watch them get abused (or killed?) or fall into the drug black hole.

Twilight Garden
July 11th, 2002, 09:55 AM
I don't know how far I'd take the "spying", but I certainly would do it to a certain extent. I have no problems with checking their rooms, drawers, bags, etc. I'd only do more than that if I had serious suspicions of something really harmful. And if I had serious suspicions, I'd certainly confront them first.

My husband and I have discussed this quite a bit. His daughter is eight and hangs out with older children. Her very best friend is 11. We already do some of this a little. We don't warn when we'll be checking things out. We just do it periodically. It's mostly just a 'candy check' right now because there are certain candies she can't have with her dental work. Since most of her friends are older, we plan for potential problems.

MammaStar
July 11th, 2002, 02:02 PM
This is a BIG dilemma with me. I had it both ways when I was a teen. My folks are divorced and growing up I lived with my Mom. She didn't make the best decisions (but she TRIED REALLY HARD) with us and me and my brothers made a LOT of mistakes and f-ed up a lot. When we were teens big bro was just coming around to the family (was a friend that mom took over guardianship for long story). She would go away nearly every weekend to visit w/her friends who lived about an hour away. There were parties at my house all the time and I would go out all the time. WtchyChick was at a few of them (hmmmm...Sweet 16 comes to mind, but Mom was there). It wasn't the wisest thing and even though my Mom is a nurse and claimed she paid attention, she didn't know half of what was going on, espeically with me. I was abused by my h.s. boyfriend (I tried to hide it and did a pretty good job too). Did drugs, had sex when I was 16, drank like a fish. Did she ever "snoop" nope. She didn't even notice when my bro & I would swipe her pot stash.

But on the other side, at my Dad's house, where I spent a few weekends here and there and mainly for stretches of time in the summer, I was spied on all the time. By my Step-Monster. She used to say she was "cleaning",but she was rummaging through all my stuff. And it didn't matter what it was. It could be innocent, like cold medication that my Dad gave me, she'd automatically think I was doing something I shouldn't have. She told my Dad everything she heard, she would listen in on my phone calls (before I started getting into trouble), tell my Dad to follow me when i walked down the street to the store. I hated her for it (still do but all new reasons). She's tried it with my son, because we all share a house right now. I told her, there will be no "cleaning" by her, only by me.

I've already had a small discussion about drugs with my son. It was brought up by a conversation he overheard and asked me about it. I told him the truth about my drug use in the past. It was the HARDEST thing I ever had to do. He knows that I drink, but he didn't know that I started a wee bit early. The result, at this moment, was that it was a silly thing for me to do and he thinks drugs are very stupid. Which, at 10 is a GOOD THING. You see things very black & white at age 10. It's the 12, 13, and beyond I worry about.

Myst
July 11th, 2002, 03:43 PM
My parents never spied on us, and neither my brother or I did drugs, were promiscuous or dangerous, had abusive mates, or anything like that.

Actually that they respected me enough to respect privacy and trusted me that I would talk to them, coupled with the fact that *they* talked to me about things and made it clear they were always open in case I needed to talk was part of the reason I have so much respect for myself and others that I don't think I would've gotten in those situations. The emphasis was always on trusting us to be smart about decisions and being there in case we needed help, rather then spying or bossing us around.

Flaire-FireStar
July 11th, 2002, 09:20 PM
How do you feel about this? Obviously I am sure you don't want your parents spying, but do you feel there is a time that is is appropriate? Or how do your parents deal with this type of issue?


Like others have already said, I think there's a time and a place for it, but not on a regular basis. Right now, I don't get out a lot (not as much as I used to anyway) so I think I'm okay..But before, my parents might have suspected something of me - my friends weren't exactly the type of people they'd want me to hang around with. But even then, I wouldn't hide stuff in my room anyway (don't let my parents know that! :lol: ) because I'd know that they'd go looking in there, even if it was just to clean up my floor, or gather my laundry.

But for now, my mom's kinda keeping an eye on my brother. It's nothing drastic like totally searching his room while he's away or following him when he leaves the house.

Haedis
July 14th, 2002, 04:47 PM
As a teenager this is kind of difficult for me too.

Well, I dont live with my mother, and my father is pretty relaxed about everything. He doesnt go through my stuff, he's never talked to me about drugs, sex, anything. Even if something came up where he KNEW I was stoned or drunk...I dont think he'd mention it. He let me spend weekends at my boyfriends house (who lives on his own) and probably assumed all sorts of stuff. He wants me to call him and let him know where I am and how I'm doing...but he doesnt really keep a further eye on me.

I cant decide if this is a good thing or not. From the perspective of a 15 year old its kind of nice to have a lot of freedom...but then again I see how my fathers half-assed parenting has affected my older sister and I realize that if he were more strict my sister wouldnt have been as likely to drop out of school...start partying every weekend when she was in Jr. High...she wouldnt be doing cocaine...or anything else thats happened to her. And I probably wouldnt have gotten pregnant at such a young age.

Conversely, an overbearing parent can have the same effect (I'm sure you know). I would hate someone reading my notes or videotaping me but I wouldnt mind my parents just sitting down with me and talking honestly about what they're worried about. I think if you're just open with your kids and just ask them whats going on and let them know that they wont get in trouble for answering truthfully...it would be better than spying on them. The kid would realize that you thought of them as trustworthy enough to discuss it with rather than some lying brat who needs constant supervision.

If there is a real reason to believe that they are doing something that can seriously endanger their life then you should do more to intervene. For example if they had been driving drunk they should definately get more than just a talking to. Suspend the license, ground them, etc. But if you caught them stealing alcohol from the liquor cabinet I think you'd have better results if you just talked to them about it.

But again...just my humble opinions/ramblings.

Flar's Freyja
July 14th, 2002, 08:24 PM
Trust is a critical issue between me and my sons and they are well aware of this. They always knew that if they blew it just once, it would be a long time til they were trusted again. Although I always insisted that I know where they were and who they were with, I never "spied" unless I had sufficient reason; for instance, if I found out that they had lied to me. Interestingly, it seemed that they would give themselves away either by their demeanor or not being careful enough. I feel that I was able to pick up on these cues because I had strong relationships with them and intuitively knew when something was "off." On several occasions, I accidentally found things in their rooms while cleaning or putting laundry away but nothing that was all that serious. When I found a used condom in my youngest boys' room, I had to take the attitude that at least he was having safe sex and had at least listened to me:lol: I also found that they usually came clean on their own if keeping secrets was going to cause them distress.

Teenagers who are not given at least enough freedom to make their own choices and mistakes are not afforded the opportunity to develop good judgement skills as adults. Often, kids from very strict home environments are completely lost and end up in lots of trouble when they go off on their own because they have not been trusted and given the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. Yes, supervision is critical but spying and following your kids around unless they have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that they just cannot be trusted is not healthy. Communication between parents and children, knowing who your kids are as individual human beings and trusting that they really do have brains and a conscience if you have instilled this in them contributes to their development as adults.

Kids are going to make mistakes in judgement and this is a normal part of growth. If we have taught them human values, they will have the ability to recognize this when it happens. Teenagers should be secure in knowing that their parents will be there to help them correct their mistakes and should not be afraid to ask for their help and support.

Witchy Cowgirl
July 15th, 2002, 07:55 AM
Freyja - HERE! HERE! Well said!

Since the 5 of us live in a 2-bedroom mobil home it's hard for the boys to have any privacy. (I really feel bad about it, but were planning to add on in the spring) Anyway we espically try to allow the oldest all the privacy we can, and let him do stuff on his own without sending or letting his brothers go with him. (He's 14) We don't spy, we feel we're raising him right, until he breaks the trust that's developed I feel no need to spy. If the trust is broken, I don't exactly know if I'll spy, probably just keep a tighter reign.

My husband worries cause hard drug usage is high in this area. And of course he has reason to worry, but so far we've seen no signs to take our worry to a higher level.

I'll put it like this. He and some buddies were supposed to be riding bikes to a friends house. That boys mom called me wanting to know where they were cause they should've been there already. I went looking down at one of the boys homes. The sister said they went to the creek instead. On the way to the creek I meet my son on his way home. He said he was sorry, that he didn't know the other boys were planning on goin to the creek and he had tried to get them to leave too.

I just hope he continues to carry that type judgement with him though the rest of his life.

Faery-Wings
July 15th, 2002, 08:01 AM
Kids are going to make mistakes in judgement and this is a normal part of growth. If we have taught them human values, they will have the ability to recognize this when it happens. Teenagers should be secure in knowing that their parents will be there to help them correct their mistakes and should not be afraid to ask for their help and support.

Freyja, it is so good to hear you say that! This is how I feel, completely. However it is reassuring to hear it from someone who has been through it. I am coming from the"untried theory department" where it might sound good in my mind, but will it really work when they are 12, 13, and older....?

Freyja, I hope I still know you in 6 years cuz I am going to be needing lots of your wise advice :)

BB

Chris

Faery-Wings
July 15th, 2002, 08:04 AM
I cant decide if this is a good thing or not. From the perspective of a 15 year old its kind of nice to have a lot of freedom...but then again I see how my fathers half-assed parenting has affected my older sister and I realize that if he were more strict my sister wouldnt have been as likely to drop out of school...start partying every weekend when she was in Jr. High...she wouldnt be doing cocaine...or anything else thats happened to her. And I probably wouldnt have gotten pregnant at such a young age.

Haedis, it sounds like you have a grasp on how your father's parenting could be affecting you. That in itself is a good lesson. You obviously have seen how things can turn out and it seems like you want to stay away from that. Good for you!

Twilight Garden
July 15th, 2002, 10:12 AM
I completely agree with the trust issue. Unfortunately my little "angel of a step-daughter" has a very hard time saying no to her older friends when they offer her the gum or candy that she knows she shouldn't be eating. We've given her many many ways to politely decline. She has a very intense desire to feel accepted and never wants to seem uncool in any way. We've even tried to make use of her reasoning saying, " How "uncool" is it going to be when your dental work pops out in front of everybody?" Since she has such a hard time saying no, we are remaining open to the idea that, even though she's a really good kid, she's the type of child drug users could prey on. I think her parent's messy divorce has given her a few insecurities that need to be worked through.

AradiaSupernova
July 15th, 2002, 01:11 PM
hm...well....
I'd have to agree that if a parent is given the right provoction to need to "spy" on their kids, then yes, its a good idea. But I also agree with the "sit and talk" idea, which is how my parents work things. I've never been spied on because I've never given my parents reason to spy on me. I know plenty of other teenagers, however, who's behavior would warrant it. When I was first reading this, I thought it was a dumb idea. Kids need privacy the same as adults need privacy. But we also need to be safe. Its our parents' job to keep us safe and out of harm's way. No, they can't protect us all the time. No, they can't make our life decisions for us. On the other hand. Yes, while we live under their roof, we obey their rules and if we give them any reason to think we are breaking their rules, or the rules of the law or anything else, they do what they have to do for our protection. Yes, we can't stand it when we thinkt hey are snooping around. lol. Yes, we fight them thinking that they are just trying to be nosy in our business when they shouldn't be. But hey...I've met kids who's parents let them do anything they want and dont' care about them. I'd rather be spied on, personally, then have parents who couldn't care less what happens to me.

Flar's Freyja
July 16th, 2002, 12:15 AM
Originally posted by chryssi1


Freyja, it is so good to hear you say that! This is how I feel, completely. However it is reassuring to hear it from someone who has been through it. I am coming from the"untried theory department" where it might sound good in my mind, but will it really work when they are 12, 13, and older....?

Freyja, I hope I still know you in 6 years cuz I am going to be needing lots of your wise advice :)

BB

Chris

:lol: Yes.....and I'm still free to roam around in society to tell about it and not locked up somewhere......we'll definitely keep in touch.

It is so hard when they get to be that age and you have to let go a bit. Then you'll survive that, they'll get their drivers' licenses and their own car and you'll won't be able to decide which was worse - picking them up from work at midnight or waiting up for them to get home.........

Amemphis
July 16th, 2002, 02:24 AM
This is the most important point: Start early. If you give your child everything they want when they're young, they will grow up lazy and spoilt. I did. I wish I hadn't. But I was also raised in good ways. if you trust your child and show them that they can make good decisions, themselves, but also can come to you for advice, you'll get healthy, well balanced kids. As a sixteen year old in this generation I know bad things happen young. I have friends who lost their virginity young. But think about it... If you can't trust your child enough to give them their privacy, they won't trust themselves. I know that I grew up mature, intelligent, and with an old soul. My parents treated me like a person, not a little ball of stupidty. Or rather, a child. Kids like to be trusted.
I have smoked weed, had sex, cut myself, been almost raped, been drunk, been alone with boys. But these things where behind my parents backs. Your kid will find a way. No matter what you do. You can read their notes; They'll stop writing them or burn them. You can listen in on the phone; They won't talk about it on the phone anymore. You can ground them, force them, tell them no, but when it comes down to it, you can't really do shit. They can sneak out, make excuses. Teach them early that they are smart enough to know what to do. Mistakes are a healthy part of life. Bad things happen. They've happened to me. But I'm glad for them. I enjoyed being high, being drunk, having sex. Everything is a part of life. When I found that my father had gone into my drawer, My 'Wicca' drawer where I hid all my alter things and herbs, looking for my tripod, I nearly beat him with it. I could have cried for the pain. My own daddy didn't trust me? Do you want your kids spacing themselves and thinking they Can't come to you?

Trust your kids. Don't spy.

Badgerval
July 16th, 2002, 03:04 AM
I agree strongly with Amemphis. I believe all living beings deserve to be treated with respect - and that includes our children. How can they learn respect if they are not respected? How can they learn about honesty if we teach them deceit by making their natural drive to explore and experiment something that has to be hidden? My (almost 17 yo) daughter talked to me when she was thinking of becoming sexually active, she talked to me when all her friends were trying weed and she thought that she'd like to try it (she wanted to try it in a safe environment - I arranged it and then she decided not to LOL ). She doesn't drink or smoke, she doesnt have a curfew because I trust her to be sensible. She is beautiful,kind and compassionate - she *looks * extreme - but that is an expression of who she is and a natural stage in discovering her identity

Yvonne Belisle
July 16th, 2002, 09:41 AM
Spying should be a tool of last resort in my opinion. If you have tried talking to your children and can get no answers and thier behavior warrents it then yes spy otherwise no. You have to extend trust at some point but you have to protect them too sometimes all you have to do to protect them is talk to them sometimes you have to be more drastic. I think it should be on a case by case basis.

Flar's Freyja
July 16th, 2002, 10:20 AM
Originally posted by Badgerval
I agree strongly with Amemphis. I believe all living beings deserve to be treated with respect - and that includes our children. How can they learn respect if they are not respected? How can they learn about honesty if we teach them deceit by making their natural drive to explore and experiment something that has to be hidden?

:thumbsup: Very well said!

I wanted to add that I was a single mom for the better part of my sons' lives. I was also isolated from family and my support system consisted mainly of strangers. Their father had little involvement in their lives. I worked and attended college to get my Master's. This was not an easy time in any of our lives. When I graduated, I actually published a Thank You in the local newspaper to my boys for all they had to put up with! Still, it was possible for my boys to turn out well and I attribute this to trust and communication. My middle son decided to create a negative identity for himself for a while but he did such a poor job that I always caught him, and I think that he did that deliberately! The youngest graduated high school last year. Everyone's employed, nobody's in jail and I'm not even a grandma yet, so it can be done! :T

Bahamut04640
July 19th, 2002, 01:15 PM
i would say that no one has the right to spy on a teen...

sure...some could have probs...

but you could ask any of the kids friends...they might be honest

Haedis
July 19th, 2002, 01:27 PM
Well I know that I personally wouldnt tell my friends parents if they were doing something wrong. Its just not my place to step in. Either the teenager needs to learn how to talk to their parents or the parent needs to have the courage to talk to their child. I wouldnt lie to them, I'd just say that it really wasnt something I wanted to be in the middle of.

Amemphis
July 19th, 2002, 08:57 PM
I just think that parents need to be upfront with their kids, so their kids will be upfront with them. And a kids friends won't tell the parent unless their like family and even that is doubtful

Twilight Garden
July 19th, 2002, 10:40 PM
Originally posted by Amemphis
I just think that parents need to be upfront with their kids, so their kids will be upfront with them. And a kids friends won't tell the parent unless their like family and even that is doubtful I agree with this. I have to add that not all kids who have their parents' trust are going to respect it. I didn't when I was younger. I abused it. It took a long time to rebuild it and have a respectful relationship with my parents. My parents trusted me, I made great grades, I was "the good kid" compared to most of my friends, but I still skipped school, did (i stress the past tense of that) drugs, smoked, etc... I ended up paying a large price for it, it even came back to haunt me in a custody battle ten years later. Yes as kids you are going to make mistakes, but they don't just go away when you leave your teens. Those "mistakes" can royally screw you. I think my parents actually did really good with what I gave them to work with, but I may not have gone quite so far, had my parents not trusted me so much. I also have to add that it does no good to spy if you make no effort to confront your findings and punish. They may be teens, but they are never too old for good parenting.

SagaDraco
July 22nd, 2002, 09:19 PM
As a teen....the answer is yes. Dont be petty, but if you find evidence of drug use, be tough on them. if you find birth control pills or condoms, commend them on their maturity and talk to them. I plan on spying on my kids when I have them, but only for the things that are really dangerous to them...Id hate to be aNazi Parent. It'd just give them more to rebel against :(

Bryony
August 17th, 2002, 08:13 PM
Originally posted by AradiaSupernova
hm...well....
I'd have to agree that if a parent is given the right provoction to need to "spy" on their kids, then yes, its a good idea. But I also agree with the "sit and talk" idea, which is how my parents work things. I've never been spied on because I've never given my parents reason to spy on me. I know plenty of other teenagers, however, who's behavior would warrant it. When I was first reading this, I thought it was a dumb idea. Kids need privacy the same as adults need privacy. But we also need to be safe. Its our parents' job to keep us safe and out of harm's way. No, they can't protect us all the time. No, they can't make our life decisions for us. On the other hand. Yes, while we live under their roof, we obey their rules and if we give them any reason to think we are breaking their rules, or the rules of the law or anything else, they do what they have to do for our protection. Yes, we can't stand it when we thinkt hey are snooping around. lol. Yes, we fight them thinking that they are just trying to be nosy in our business when they shouldn't be. But hey...I've met kids who's parents let them do anything they want and dont' care about them. I'd rather be spied on, personally, then have parents who couldn't care less what happens to me.
I agree with Aradia.
My parents love me, but keep a tight reign on me. They care, mom had anxiety problems BEFORE my first boyfriend. She seems to think that she will be able to tell when I lose my virginity. Right, she didn't know that I had been kissing. (Somewhere and someday I will move out without giving her a heart attack)
I am tempted to stay here after I turn eighteen just so she knows I came home alive. She knows I don't do drugs and never have. Somewhere along the line she figured out that my word is iron-clad and got me to promise I would never intentionally endanger my life with drugs, etc. She still doesn't believe me.
I couldn't risk using drugs because of medical problems, my medication makes me super-sensitive to everything, and I nearly pass out with a dose of cough syrup.

Starry Di
August 24th, 2002, 11:04 PM
My parents don't spy on me either. Or not to my knowledge do they o_O When I have kids, it depends on their personality.
I think that i'd perfer to talk to them, since I raised them, I'd know that I did a good job and that I trust them. I'm not gonna make promises to myself on what I will or will not do, as i've seen my mother do so, and it's worked out HORRIBLE for her.

As for the whole talking to your parents and all, I'm not close enough to ask either of them for condoms if/when I have sex ;) The way i see it is, it's not their responsiblity to do so. It's not *them* having the sex unmarried. So, if I don't have the courage to get birth control on my own, then I shouldn't even be considering sex. That's just MHO. It's the way I've always seen stuff in my life (some times it's bad, sometimes it's good). My dad taught me to see things that way. I'm hoping to pass down a little of that to my kid someday, but i'm not making any promises.

My mom promised herself that i'd be able to talk to her about sex, and I guess that my personality style let her down. I'm not the open minded daughter that she wanted, so I see no reason to already 'place a demand' on my kid before it's even born or in the process of being made, only to make him/her feel useless by regretting that it's not more like me, or regretting that it doesn't feel like it can come and talk to me. My mom places that blame all on herself, and that's not the way it is ;) The way it is, is that i'm not the type of person who would want a massage, or who would go out without a bra (unless i'm being incredibly lazy, which i have been being the past few months, lol), I'm not the type of person whom she hoped I would be. I guess she wanted a daughter like her, and I want a daughter like me, but there is no way i'm going to ask so much of my kid as to make them feel like they should come and ask me for something. And I'm hoping that I won't do guilt trips like "I really wish you'd talk to me about what's going on in school" or "I really wish you'd come to me when you decide to have sex" as I wouldn't be comfortable with doing either of those with my parents (it's not that I have something to Hide, coz I don't, it's just i'm not that type of person. You have to be really really really close to me to get an answer from either of those, and as hard as both my parents tried, and try, neither of them is close enough that I feel comfortable doing so ;)).

Soz for the long rant. I guess what i'm saying is don't expect your kids to be like you, and trust yourself to have raised them to know better and all :$.

SAVE_ME_FROM_THE_SPY
July 21st, 2005, 07:53 AM
HELLO EVERYBODY!!!!!!! TO BE HONEST I DONT REALY CARE IF YOU SPY ON YOUR TEENAGERS BECAUSE I HAVE I MUCH WORSE PROBLEM :grrrrr: :fpraise: AND IT GOES LIKE THIS...THERE IS A MOUNT MARIAN SPY COMING TO GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH DEARY ME THIS IS BAD SO PLEASE EVERYBODY SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SAVE_ME_FROM_THE_SPY
July 21st, 2005, 07:55 AM
I Love You

SAVE_ME_FROM_THE_SPY
July 21st, 2005, 07:55 AM
I Dream Of A World With Brighter Televisions And Skinny Trees

fahawk
July 21st, 2005, 11:37 AM
Well, there is a difference between parenting and being a 'spy"..any parent would choose to step in a stop a dangerous behavior and should..
but you dont have to spy, if you suspect something, then lay the line and say, "hey this is what I am seeing or this is what I think is happening..so what is going on here..and be firm..that this isnt cool and NOT allowed just isnt going to happen..

My two teens already have brought up the discussion of drugs in front of me....I tried to stay calm..and then after they had their say..I told them exactly how I felt..what was wrong with the whole thing..and where it could lead...

I know there are things that are going to happen, going to be tried, that I wont know about..and that is part of them growing and spreading their wings..
on the other hand, I need to as a parent be available..and allow conversation to take place..and hopefully they will remain open to some degree with me..

there have been alcohol and drugs in people close to our family..so I am pretty sure my line would be pretty narrow for the kids to cross.. I would definetly take whatever steps to halt that behavior..but spying,,?? not sure it is needed. and maybe it would backfire, more then help.

Chibi-Fallon
July 21st, 2005, 12:32 PM
As far as the underage drinking things... for how many parents could you go somewhere were it was legal at 18? Granted I and a lot of people started before then but I don't think I ever got really really wasted until 18.
I enjoy my alcohol and a little weed now and then. But how many people who are now parents didn't?
Parents seem to freak about that sort of thing and forget that they did it and turned out okay. And if they didn't turn out okay, they probably don't care enough to spy on their kid.

Calen
July 21st, 2005, 02:27 PM
Considering the extreme situations people my age can find themselves in, I don't think parents using...covert...methods of looking in on their kids can be absolutely put in the 'bad' catagory. I think that if a parent had good reason (very good reason, not paranoid-mommy reason) to suspect that say, her daughter was being beaten up by her boyfriend, snooping in any way should be a last resort. They should try (more than once) to get her to open up about it. If it still looks as though she is in real danger, it would be their responsibility as parents to do something to protect her.

Nighthawk
July 21st, 2005, 02:43 PM
Well, there are so many sides to this. I think if you love your child and have a relationship with your child, you should keep an eye on them. I did not say spy on them. Really, the problems are usually 14 - 15 to 18. At 18, they are legally on their own and should forge ahead on their own steam. In those 3 to 4 years, yea, they are going to make mistakes and or get into trouble. But at 18 they could still do the same. Except now they are on their own to face whatever problems they create. I watch my 14 year old. I to some degree watch my 19 year old, but as I have told him, if he gets into any trouble, he is basically on his own.

Imbrium
July 21st, 2005, 05:31 PM
From what I gather many teens consider themselves fairly level headed and honest. I can say that when I was a teen, I was the antithesis of that statement. While I didn't have a drug problem, I was dishonest and sneaky. My parents are damned lucky that I'm alive today...

I can say that I'll be keeping an eagle eye on my children. Not just to keep them out of trouble, but to make sure that they are steering well clear of adult predators (which I've run into more than once myself)

Honestly, I'm uncomfortable with the idea of spying on them, and wont if I don't feel it's necessary, I'll do what I feel I need to do. ...I suppose my biased viewpoints come from the fact that I've had to wiggle out of more than one sticky situation which could have ended in rape or death, just as a fluke; but what I know could help my children. Hopefully they'll listen and I won't need to go further than just dispensing advice.

Catiana
July 21st, 2005, 06:16 PM
I have never felt the need to spy on either of my children (16 & 18), they have never given me a reason to not trust them.