Oh the ache's. Oh the pains. Will we die in vain?

[thought_on_a_wind]

To quote Nietzsche "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

That being said, I thought I'd start a thread with the intent of reflection on the pains of the past, and how that strengthened and created the person you are today. Feel free to post anything you find relevant, however, don't judge other people in this thread. It is meant to be a thread of reflection, healing, and affirmations.

[Tanya]

the most physically painful thing I've been through is the birth of my daughter... It was a C section.. after I refused all pain meds so I could nurse her...

I couldn't believe I could survive such pain. They pretty much gut you to do that....

I have never loved anyone more than her.. that's not because of the pain.. despite.

[thought_on_a_wind]

My whole life I have been bereft of that oh so prescious gift called innocence. Not the whole amount, but most of it concerning death, intolerance, and the viscious nature associated with the upper middle class people in my area to both the poor, and the rich classes. Strangely there was an uncommon alliance in that the rich kids and the poor kids had to band together at times in order to survive.

As I look back at my childhood, it seems easy to just accept that everything was dark. My dad was abusive, and threatened on several occasions to dis-own me because I was a "stupid idiot". That hurt alot worse than the physical hits which started on my first day of first grade as I waited for the bus. I remember walking into school, feeling like my head was caved in, and wondering just what I'd done wrong.
However, there were good times as well, we lived in the middle of the woods, my back yard spanned over 200 acres, and the land owners around us didn't mind if we hiked in thier hills either. My dad ensured that I was literate too, and he did have his good side... it wasn't till many years later that we found the root of the cause (aside from a past he is very wary about revealing) being Bi-polar disorder.

The amount of things I learned from observing both him, and the cut-throats at school stuck with me to this day, and has lead me down more effective avenues of protection, defense, and the negotiation skills that have proven so handy through the years. I have since come to peaceful terms with my old man (though in his ailing health [he is diabetic, and has Parkinsons disease] he has become ever more religious, and as such, there is an unavoidable chasm I am constantly faced with in telling him of my Pagan beliefs ).

The other thing that has kind of followed me where ever I go is death. I know everyone faces it at one time or another, however that doesn't lend itself to comforting. It seemed like we were always in some funeral parlor or other for the death of someone I never knew. As it was, it never affected me much till the only Grandparents I'd ever known went down hill. My Grandad due to Alzheimers, and my Grandma due to body shutdown (the first symptom was impacted bowels... not a pretty thing to witness). In high school I talked to an acquaintance last period one day, only to find out that he OD'd on pills two hours later. I think it was thirty some muscle relaxers. A month later a 24 year old teacher died going back into his burning house to save his infant son. Some of the guys in my class were first responders... That look, the eyes, the pain, nothing is worse to observe in another (save the stare of one who has dismissed all forms and moderations of rationality mind you). Naught but a year later I had a wreck pulling out of my driveway early morning, tired and grumpy. F-350 vs my little Escort = no contest. I walked away without a scratch. One of my friends was a first responder, two day later, in the morning, on the way to work, he died, pulled across the line for a fraction of a second... there wasn't much left, but the family insisted on an open casket ceremony... He was so badly deformed, I thought they had replaced him with a cheap mannequin with the bulges instead of eyes.

Finally comes the one I've had the most problem dealing with. I helped throw a party. We had planned on 20 or so, but relatively the whole squadron showed up, I had one of those intuitive moments denoting that something bad was about to happen.. it didn't, strangely, everyone that had conflicts elsewhere seemed to throw them to the side for a good time (read: quiet before the storm) and then, it happened. I've been around guns my whole life, know the sound they make, but I just couldn't register the noise as a .45 caliber pistol because I was around the only civilians that seemed to fit the gang-type (we were getting along splendidly [can't judge a book i suppose]).

Turns out that two people in my squadron who had never met before were involved in a conversation, one got angry at the other- punched him in the gut and shot him at the base of the neck. I went through a what if phase, I know that it isn't relevant, but regardless, if I had been outside, I'd most likely have been carted away with murder on my conscience. As it was I was able to help three of my blood-splattered friends cope (re-pressing my own feeling in the process [never pretty]. What comes of this long slew of death I speak of?

For starters, trust your instincts, learn to listen to that little voice when things feel awry. Second, one cannot quantify the experiences they have (positive, or negative) because every moment is filled with connotations of every shade of the spectrum (and varying mixtures of the afforementioned), third- regardless what kind of life someone has lived or what path they have chosen we still posess that link to each other in the ether. Also whatever doen't kill you can only make you stronger if you deal with and accept the past for what it truly is. There have been many more things I've gone through, but then again, who hasn't a few moments of painful unrelenting clarity that makes them enjoy the rest of the time with joy.

I am of the belief that in order to do anything positive for oneself, they must first accept a view of themselves with the ego, convictions, illusions, and self inflicted delusions stripped bare. Then, and only then, when we see who we truly are without our comforting illusions, can we see just precisely where the true problems lie, and just what we need to improve.