calming energy?

[SphinYote]

Rollercoaster.

OK, my mood swings are back, have been since mid december.

They are fewer and farther between, and shorter than they were last spring, but much more intense. And I don't have forewarning that it's going to hit this time around. At least before I could feel it coming on, brace myself, and hold out until I got away from people and hid in the restroom. Now, one moment I'm laughing, the next can barely speak I'm so upset and angry and crying...

I'm giving myself another two to three weeks, and hopefully this phase will pass as I know things have been stressful at home right now, though I don't think that's the trigger right now. I'm pretty sure its hormonal or biochemical.

If it doesn't pass, I'm going to see student health services in a few weeks. I don't want to go through what I did last Spring and the Fall before that.

But damn it, since July I've felt better than I ever have in my life. For once things let up and I had hoped that between the omegas and a couple of other things I'd gotten things to an equilibrium.

Part of the problem is disappointment, to have the rug pulled out from under me again. Especially at the beginning of the semester. Part of the problem is just being completely caught off guard by the extremes this time. I don't want to think about the possibility of being manic depressive, as I have a severe medication phobia (and not only that, but I graduate this semester, so unless I get a job right away, there goes my health insurance). But considering that one moment I'm positively euphoric and the next, well, not anywhere near suicidal but certainly despairing, angry, raging at the world and everyone around me...and the extremes are greater than I ever experienced before....

I don't know. Things have been stressful. My dad was in surgery last Friday for a nonmalignant brain tumor, and that's been an issue, I'm not on good terms with my dad--a lot of mixed feelings, anger and guilt there have existed for years and could be agravating the issue. Saturday I had a major exam, and I've been stressing about that. Now that those have resolved themselves, maybe, hopefuly all I need is to wind down, and I want to give enough time for that. But still. I've been under more stress than that in the past and been fine.

Anyway, some calming energy would be good. And some energy to face up and get into student health services if it doesn't work itself out would be good as well.

Meanwhile, I'm going to try to refrain from posting on the other threads, as I know from past experience that being on here in this mental state usually results in ranting, angry posts that don't do me or anyone else any good.

Thanks

Yote

[Lightning Strike]

No words..:hugz: There are similarities in your post to which I definitely understand right now..
<<sending you as much energy as I can. Thinking of ya.>>

[Lunacie]

Calming energies sent. May you find a balance between worry and euphoria. :hugz:

[Philosophia]

Sending positive and calming energy! :hugz:

[SphinYote]

Thank you everyone. Still having ups and downs--yesterday was pleasant, the evening was...not.

The more I think about things, the more I think that current issues aside, I might go to student health servicezs and see if they an do an evaluation for Aspergers. It seems like I'm just...not understanding so much, and part of what's eating at me is that I'm pretty sure that people are being put off by my own actions, sometimes I can figure out why, bt most of thetime I'm at a loss myself, and I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling that I've learned what I can on my own and I need help from elsewhere to be able to figure things out. Sheer stubborness may be fine for me as an individual, but I suspect that in too many cases people's confusion has turned to hurt for reasons that are beyond by ability to figure out on my own, and whatever else the case may be, I don't want to accidentally hurt people--if the label acts as buffer, so be it. I'm just reluctant becaue I know I have a tendancy to use my problemms as excuses, too, and I don't want the label to interfere with my own impovement and learning.

Does this make sense?

Yote

[Catiana]

:hugz:

[SphinYote]

I have an appointment with the mental health clinic for the 19th.

That is, I think, the hardest call I've ever had to make. I tried to do it privately, but when I came back to the office I just burst into tears in front of everyone. I'm...very embarassed about that. At leat my boss wasn't in, and one of the girls was very supportive. I did let her in on what's going on. The rest of the people, I just made vague references to my dad's surgery and let them think that it was just worry about that.

Now I just need to figure out whether or not to tell my advisor. Normally I'd say no, but she's having problems of her own right now and I want her to at least understand that if I have a meltdown its not because of anything she's done....

Interestingly the pendulum has swung back in the oposite direction now and I feel, well, like everything is a big insanely funny ironic joke right now. I don't know how else to describe it, but at least, anxiety aside, its not the...despair I was feeling this morning.

Yote

[IndigoNightSky]

Good luck with your clinic visit. I don't know how you feel about taking medications, but there are some very good ones out there to help with manic depression. Being able to talk openly about it with someone is very helpful as well.

((((((((Big Hugs to You)))))))))

[Willow Rosette]

Oh honey :hugz: Im sorry I dont have any helpfull advice to give you but I will of course keep you in my prayers.

[Lunacie]

I have an appointment with the mental health clinic for the 19th.

That is, I think, the hardest call I've ever had to make. I tried to do it privately, but when I came back to the office I just burst into tears in front of everyone. I'm...very embarassed about that. At leat my boss wasn't in, and one of the girls was very supportive. I did let her in on what's going on. The rest of the people, I just made vague references to my dad's surgery and let them think that it was just worry about that.

Now I just need to figure out whether or not to tell my advisor. Normally I'd say no, but she's having problems of her own right now and I want her to at least understand that if I have a meltdown its not because of anything she's done....

Interestingly the pendulum has swung back in the oposite direction now and I feel, well, like everything is a big insanely funny ironic joke right now. I don't know how else to describe it, but at least, anxiety aside, its not the...despair I was feeling this morning.

Yote

Sounds like you should do some research on bipolar disorder and ask the therapist/counselor/psychologist about it as well. But there is so much overlap in the spectrum of neurological disorders that I've even gone through huge mood swings with untreated depression on top of undiagnosed ADHD on top of hormonal fluctuations. Take care. :hugz:

[SphinYote]

Sounds like you should do some research on bipolar disorder and ask the therapist/counselor/psychologist about it as well. But there is so much overlap in the spectrum of neurological disorders that I've even gone through huge mood swings with untreated depression on top of undiagnosed ADHD on top of hormonal fluctuations. Take care. :hugz:

Yes. Its frustrating.

I will say that if it hadn't been for the people here, you among others, sharing their stories, I'm not sure if I would have been abe to make the call. Thank you, to you Lunacie and so many others on here. Now I just need to follow through and go when the time comes.

Yote

[Lunacie]

I think those of us who have "been there - done that" and found some help need to pay it forward.

And you're very welcome. :)