Out of her league?

[DracoJesi]

for those of you don't know, theres a girl in my life right now, her name is Rachael, we've talked about being together, but she thinks that she's not ready, that she has a lot in her life going on right now, and I can respect that, heres the thing....

I talked to her to day, and someone else was talking in the background, a friend of hers (she was hanging out with the girls)

she said hang on, paused and told her friend "I really like him, but he's out of my league, he's great... I not going to ask him...."

I acted like I didn't hear that, but it seemed like she was going to ask me something, but didn't.

I don't know if she's intimidated by me or what, but that was never my intention, I know she's trying to get certain aspects of her life together and I seem to be with it (during the time she's known me anyway)

I don't get it, I never thought of myself as out of anyones league, I'm confused here, because I don't want her to feel intimidated, or that she isn't good enough for me, I really like her, and she has so much potential, artisticaly, and as a person in general, she just needs more confidence..

but I'm at a loss here because, with most girls (or at least the ones I get stuck with.... :/) are either hard to please, but I have my flaws, and I don't want her to think she's not good enough for me....


so what do I do here, how do I show her that she is good enough for me, and even if I get hurt, or it doesn't work out, that I'm willing to take that chance, because I love her, how do I show her that I'm not too good for her, that I'm really not that great, but without turning her away.

I've never been in this situation before, sure I've been in a relationship where we were afraid of losing the friendship we already had, but this is different.

I don't think I'm really that great honestly, I don't consider myself a bad person, or a jerk, but for someone to think their not good enough, no, I'm human just like everybody else, I make mistakes...

and it wasn't just this phone call, it's been there, I just hadn't noticed it...

I thought she was starting to gain more self confidence, and straighten things out, when I first met her, she smoked, was stressed and wasn't very happy, but no, she doesn't smoke and seems to be happier, so I wasn't expecting this.

I know that she's had bad relationships in the past...... and I hope thats not what this is based on, I dont want her to think she's not good enough to do certian things or that she doesn't deserve to be happy, I don't want that for her, and I think thats the reason I feel so frustrated at the situation, because even if things don't work out between us, I don't want her to think that way.

so what do I do here, how do I show her she is good enough to be with me, or anyone else, and that she has potential.

[Aidron]

You really can't do any of those things. All of that is up to her to see. No amount of advice, consoling, or boosting her ego from you will really amount to much in the long run. It's like slapping a band-aid on someone who is suffering from internal bleeding.

The best thing you can really do is stick around and be kind to her. If she gets over her issues some day, great. If not, imagine a relationship with someone you'll have to constantly build up all the time. It's not fun, I assure you. We each have enough of our own issues to deal with without having to take on all of someone else's.

The guy I'm seeing thinks I'm out of his league, but I don't really know where he gets that from. However, he's sensible enough to realize that if I didn't like him I wouldn't be with him, so he's agreed to just have faith in that. If he couldn't do that, we couldn't be together, because at the end of the day all we can do is have faith that the person wants to be with us.

[LibraMoon]

as much as I agree that confidence comes from within, there is also an element that we get from confirmation from others, its a form of validation of our worth and its a powerful help to boost confidence levels.

Be kind, attentive and thoughtful but without being too "in her face".. let a level of trust develop between you and see how it works out.

:ballonsmi

[Bettie]

I had an ex who behaved in a similar manner - he would constantly tell me I was too good for him, out of his league etc. etc. He needed constant reassurance that I did want to be with him, which was okay at first, but quickly got tiring. He would also accuse me of cheating on him (I wasn't) and he'd tell me he didn't blame me if I did, he would often accuse me of wanting someone richer, or better looking, or with a bigger, um, package (can you say cock here?? :D) and in the end, being with him was just exhausting, in between having to bolster his ego all the time, and being accused of being unfaithful, in the end it all got too much and I ended the relationship.

While I'm in no way suggesting that your girlfriend will be like this, please, just be careful. Some people have genuine self=esteem issues, others are just being manipulative.

[Thunder]

I had an ex who behaved in a similar manner - he would constantly tell me I was too good for him, out of his league etc. etc. He needed constant reassurance that I did want to be with him, which was okay at first, but quickly got tiring. He would also accuse me of cheating on him (I wasn't) and he'd tell me he didn't blame me if I did, he would often accuse me of wanting someone richer, or better looking, or with a bigger, um, package (can you say cock here?? :D) and in the end, being with him was just exhausting, in between having to bolster his ego all the time, and being accused of being unfaithful, in the end it all got too much and I ended the relationship.

While I'm in no way suggesting that your girlfriend will be like this, please, just be careful. Some people have genuine self=esteem issues, others are just being manipulative. Or both.

[DracoJesi]

You really can't do any of those things. All of that is up to her to see. No amount of advice, consoling, or boosting her ego from you will really amount to much in the long run. It's like slapping a band-aid on someone who is suffering from internal bleeding.

The best thing you can really do is stick around and be kind to her. If she gets over her issues some day, great. If not, imagine a relationship with someone you'll have to constantly build up all the time. It's not fun, I assure you. We each have enough of our own issues to deal with without having to take on all of someone else's.

The guy I'm seeing thinks I'm out of his league, but I don't really know where he gets that from. However, he's sensible enough to realize that if I didn't like him I wouldn't be with him, so he's agreed to just have faith in that. If he couldn't do that, we couldn't be together, because at the end of the day all we can do is have faith that the person wants to be with us.

your right, it's something she is going to have learn herself, but htat doesn't mean that I can't help, and she's not emotionally draining, in fact she's really fun to be around, it's not like she is depressing or anything, and even so, I cant just give up on her, I have to try, because if I just walk away, I know I'll regret it.

and if I give up on her, then who won't?

I think she's afraid she'll screw it up or that it won't work out as her past relationships haven't been that great.



as much as I agree that confidence comes from within, there is also an element that we get from confirmation from others, its a form of validation of our worth and its a powerful help to boost confidence levels.

Be kind, attentive and thoughtful but without being too "in her face".. let a level of trust develop between you and see how it works out.

yeah, and I think she's not used to getting much of that element,

and I'd say we have a high level of trust, she'll tell me things she won't tell others

:ballonsmi


I had an ex who behaved in a similar manner - he would constantly tell me I was too good for him, out of his league etc. etc. He needed constant reassurance that I did want to be with him, which was okay at first, but quickly got tiring. He would also accuse me of cheating on him (I wasn't) and he'd tell me he didn't blame me if I did, he would often accuse me of wanting someone richer, or better looking, or with a bigger, um, package (can you say cock here?? :D) and in the end, being with him was just exhausting, in between having to bolster his ego all the time, and being accused of being unfaithful, in the end it all got too much and I ended the relationship.

While I'm in no way suggesting that your girlfriend will be like this, please, just be careful. Some people have genuine self=esteem issues, others are just being manipulative.


well, again, she isn't draining on me, sure I worrie alot, who doesn't? but it's not really an issue of trust, or at least I don't think it is, I mean, she tells me everything, , we talk about allot of personal issues, so I'm pretty sure she trust me, and I think she knows that I'd never intentionally hurt her.

I think she's just afraid to go that extra step, and while I'm not trying to rush her, I want her to know she doesn't have to be

[la tortuga]

your right, it's something she is going to have learn herself, but htat doesn't mean that I can't help, and she's not emotionally draining, in fact she's really fun to be around, it's not like she is depressing or anything, and even so, I cant just give up on her, I have to try, because if I just walk away, I know I'll regret it.

and if I give up on her, then who won't?

I think she's afraid she'll screw it up or that it won't work out as her past relationships haven't been that great.
[quotes]

well, again, she isn't draining on me, sure I worrie alot, who doesn't? but it's not really an issue of trust, or at least I don't think it is, I mean, she tells me everything, , we talk about allot of personal issues, so I'm pretty sure she trust me, and I think she knows that I'd never intentionally hurt her.

I think she's just afraid to go that extra step, and while I'm not trying to rush her, I want her to know she doesn't have to be


:hugz: Whatever you feel is best. Good luck!

[Willow Rosette]

hmmmm I guess Im in the minority here but I would confront it head on. Say something like "I heard what you said on the phone and I would like to talk about it." I think straight forward honesty is the best bet.

[DracoJesi]

hmmmm I guess Im in the minority here but I would confront it head on. Say something like "I heard what you said on the phone and I would like to talk about it." I think straight forward honesty is the best bet.

well see I agree , I don't think it's something I should ignore, she may have to learn this for herself but at the same time, if theres a problem, I want her to know that she can talk to me about it, that I'll be there for her, and while, I think she knows this, I think she is hesitant if the subject is us.

I want to reassure her, but I don't want to make it worse, I feel as if this very delicate here