Prayers for Thanks, Strength, and all else...

[Athena-Nadine]

*...Athena-Nadine kneels quietly before the altar...*

This is one of those days when I have so many things to be thankful for, I don't even know where to begin...

*...takes a few deeps breaths to help quiet her mind...*

Thank you for giving me the strength to survive that horrible Day ten months ago. Thank you for showing me I am not finished grieving. Thank you for showing me I don't need to be.

Thank you for leading me home seven months ago to my true family. I am ever grateful that they are too stubborn to ever let me fall too far.

Thank you for my Heart-Sister, Katy. Without her, I don't know how I would have made it through these last six months. While I know how many times she has bitten her tongue and swallowed her fears and doubts in order to let me find my own way, no matter the cost to me, or to herself, she has always been True. She is my voice of reason.

Thank you for my Heart-Sister, Jenny. She has always found a way to look past her own troubles to be there for me through mine.

Thank you for my Heart-Brother, Don. He is always there to bring me up short and shake me out of self-pity when I slip.

Thank you for my Heart-Mother, Pamela, and her ability to always listen without judgment.

Thank you for Elizabeth. She has shown me how far I have come in the last few years, and how far I have yet to go. She has reminded me of the importance of patience, and of acceptance.

Thank you for Bradley. I cannot thank you enough for placing him in my path, for however this all turns out, he has shown me how to love again, at a time when I thought I no longer could.

Please grant me the strength to be the Sister and Daughter they all deserve.

Please grant me the strength to be the friend I am needed to be.

Please grant me the strength to love unconditionally, to be there when needed, and to walk when necessary.

Please grant me the strength to not allow my pain and fear to turn to anger unnecessarily.

Please grant me the strength to do and say what's right, not what's easy.

...sighs softly, remembering the past, thinking of the present, and looking toward the future...*

Please grant me the strength to go back to NY in September and face my past.

Please grant me the strength to live in the present with love, honesty, and fairness.

Please grant me the strength to look toward the future without constantly fearing the past will repeat itself.

Please grant me the strength to trust.

Please grant me the strength to love without fear.

Please grant me the strength to not sacrifice my own happiness for everyone else's.

[*~*Chary*~*]

:heartthro SO MOTE IT BE

[Xander67]

So mote it be!

[Athena-Nadine]

I know she is afraid. Oh, how I know it. It's a terrifying thing to step away from everything one knows, everything that is safe and comfortable, and leap into what feels like nothing but maybe's.

Seven months ago, it was me fighting against all the same fears my sister is feeling now. And even though I know, in the depths of my heart and soul, that I made the right decision, I am still afraid sometimes. Sometimes, I am still afraid of falling, so far from my safety nets. Sometimes, I am still afraid of pushing those dearest to me away. Mostly, I am afraid of the fear, for I know how paralyzing it can be.

*...shakes head ruefully...* Did I say the fear started seven months ago? Actually, it started over twenty-nine years ago.

I moved out of my parents' house for the last time when I was 21. Daughter and sister of alcoholics and drug addicts, daughter and sister of people who did nothing but beat me down, trying to smother my spirit so I would be as dead as they. *...sighs to herself, They have no idea how close they came to winning...*

I spent most of my life in fear: fear of the front door opening in the middle of the night, fear of watching my father hit my mother again, fear of my father throwing us all out of the house again, fear of finding my sister, brother, or father dead somewhere someday, fear of going outside and being dragged down an alleyway, fear of leaving my family and how they would hold themselves together without me, fear of being hit again, of being hurt again, of being yelled at again. Mostly, I spent my life in fear of ending up like the rest of them.

But You didn't let it happen. You gave me strength when I had none--the strength to face my "family," but mostly the strength to face myself. You gave me the strength to say, "No!" when the drugs came my way, and the strength to put the bottle down when it was getting too comfortable in my hand. You gave me the strength to look in the mirror and see me, not who everyone assumed me to be. You have given me the strength to put the necessary distance between myself and my "family." Though it is a daily battle, You continue to give me the strength to rise above my past, to rise above my upbringing, to just be me. You have given me a new family, a true family, one who stands by me now through anything, one who accepts me for who I am, and all the good and bad that comes with it. And for that, I will never be able to thank you enough.

Yes, I understand the fear. It is the most frightening thing in the world to face yourself, to see in yourself all of the things you have spent your life hating in others, to face your limitations, and know you may fall, no matter how hard you try.



Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is witin us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presense automatically liberates others.

--Marianne Williamson


Please give my sister the strength to face her fears.

Please give her the strength to see that she is not alone in this.

Please help her to understand that yes, she will trip, and yes, she very well may fall. That is part of growing, part of learning to fly.

Please give her the strength to see how beautiful she is.

Please give her the strength to walk away, if necessary, even through the pain and fear.

Please help her "family" to understand that just because she has chosen an additional family, it doesn't mean she is turning her back on them. That's all it is--an additional family.

Please help her to see how strong she really is.

Please help her to see herself as we all see her.

Please help her to learn to live her life with no apologies. There are none needed for striving to be happy.

Please give her the strength to revel in her own beauty and light, to stop hiding it for fear that others will not be able to shine.

Please give her the strength to take the first step to finding herself.

[Melysande]

**tearful hug** Love you too, sis.

(Edited for a silly typo)

[Athena-Nadine]

How many things?!?

How many things is one person supposed to be able to have fall apart around them before they crack? How many things must be taken from me? Haven't I already lost enough this past year? MUST I LOSE EVERYTHING???

My heart is broken. My faith is broken. I have nothing left inside me now but the hurt.

What more do You want from me? What else can I possibly do? I'm just so tired. I don't have anything left to give You, or anyone.

[Lyntwyn]

Sweet Nallia, your answer is in your signature. Be strong. You can and will get through this. Bright blessings, Lyn.

[Athena-Nadine]

*…sighs…*

I hate waking up feeling like this. I hate these feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. After everything that’s already happened in my life, I swore I would never allow myself to feel this way again, and now here I am, right back where I started. I feel like all I do is bitch these days. I know I have so many things I should be thankful for, but it becomes really difficult to see beyond the pain and fear sometimes.

Now even the pain and fear is gone. All that’s left is emptiness; just this huge hole inside me that I don’t know how to fill anymore.

Persevere.

That’s what people keep saying.

Persevere.

That’s what I’ve spent most of my life saying to myself.

Persevere.

How long must I persevere? How long must I give everything I have to trying to rise above the past and the present? When will I be allowed to live without looking over my shoulder in fear of everything being taken away from me again?

In all fairness, I am aware that some things are due to choices I’ve made. The fact that I have so many outstanding bills can be blamed on no one but me. No one forced me to live off of my credit cards the last time I was this broke. No one forced me to run those cell phone bills up so high. I can’t even blame anyone else for my problems with my license. I blew it off, because I had no need to drive back home in NY, and now it’s all caught up with me. I can’t blame anyone else but me if it does end up that I have asthma. No one made me smoke for so many years. By the same token, the reason I am single now, alone now—now, when I deeply feel the need for someone to be here—is through my own choices and actions. I’m the one who wanted to be single. And until now, I was quite happy that way.

But everything wasn’t by my choice or actions. I never chose for my father to drink. I never chose for him to do drugs. I never chose for him to abuse us, emotionally and physically, for so many years. I never chose for him to have those heart attacks. I never chose for him to be laid up in the hospital, trapped in his head, unable to do anything but blink, from that stroke he had a few weeks ago. I never chose to be raped. I never chose to be beaten. I never chose for my car to be wrecked. I never chose for so many people I love to walk out on me. I never chose when the Twin Towers fell. I never chose when I lost family and friends in them. I never chose to breathe in that debris for months. I never chose to get sick from it.

I never chose to carry so many scars.

Then of course, there’s ambiguity. I could say I never chose to be so broke, that I never chose to be making less than half what I should be getting paid now, but others may see it differently. Didn’t I make that choice just by packing everything up, walking away from a very stable, very lucrative job, to move to CO?

*…shrugs…*

I chose where to make my home. I didn’t choose to fall into a seemingly bottomless pit by doing so.

*…sighs…*

And now I’m exhausted. I’ve spent my entire life throwing everything I had into climbing out of the hole I was born into, the hole I was raised in. I’ve spent my entire life fighting. When I was told, time and time again, that I should just let go and accept the lot I was given, I refused. I never believed that just because I was born into suffering, I would have to spend my life that way. I always believed if I worked hard enough, tried hard enough, fought hard enough, I could rise above it all. But now…

*…shakes head sadly…*

Now I don’t know anymore.

I’ve lost too many things I’ve spent too many years trying to put and hold together. I never thought I’d live to see the day I lost my faith, too.

[Athena-Nadine]

Please help me to find the best answer, even if it is not the answer that would seem easiest.

[Athena-Nadine]

Late tonight I wil be on a plane back to NYC. I am of a couple of minds about this. On the one hand, I am thrilled to be going home for a few days, as I've been missing NY terribly. On another hand (not a very good expression I suppose, when I need at least four of them for this), I have to go see my father in the hospital, as he had a stroke a few months ago and is now completely paralyzed and still on a ventilator. I'm dreading seeing him like that, knowing he's completely incapacitated, and though he has normal brain function, he can do nothing but blink. And my family is at each others' troats about it all, fighting over whether he should be made to stay this way, and already fighting over things like life insurance policies and his portfolio (my parents named me as beneficiary on everything as I'm the oldest instead of each other, leaving it up to me to distribute everything if anything happened to either or both of them. It may have seemed the best thing to do with alcoholic and drug-addict brother and sisters, but it's a hassle I do not want). Also, for a number of reasons, I really don't want to be away from here right now. Money's really tight, I'm still looking for another job, and I don't really feel right being away for almost a week when I could be here looking for work. I'm also seeing someone now, and as silly and sappy as it may sound, I wish I didn't have to leave him right now (which normally wouldn't be a big deal, but is probably exacerbated by all the hell going on with my family right now).

[i]*...sighs...*]/i]

Patience and Strength. That's all I ask now.

[Ahautenites]

**hugs** We're all here for you while you're there, just a phone call away, anytime, night or day. This trip is one you've needed to make. It's a turning point, or at least a catalyst for change that you have needed for a long time. I'm convinced of this. (That's why I said before Thanksgiving that you needed to go there to visit. But it had to be when you were ready.)

[Athena-Nadine]

My "Thank you's" for this morning:

Thank You for my heart-sisters and heart-brothers, and everything they do to try to keep me from falling.

Thank You for sending someone to me who not only puts up with my idiosyncrasies, but cherishes them as part of what makes me Me. May I continue to be worthy of the trust and faith he has placed in me.

Thank You for my family--I may not like them very often, but I do love them.

Thank You for continually helping me find the perseverance to weather any difficulties that arise.

Thank You for this job. Things will still be tight for a while, but it's nice to be able to finally see the end of the worst of my financial difficulties.

Thank You for all the silly, inane things that pop into my head so often. Without them all, I would never question myself, and I would never grow.

Thank You for always showing me that my life is never as bad as I may believe it to be.

Thank You for helping me to find the strength to get through the worst of my depression.

Thank You for every single thing that has come and gone in my life, good and bad. Without them, I would not be who I am today.

Thank You for always being there, regardless of how many times my faith is shaken.

[Athena-Nadine]

Amanda's sister is eight months pregnant, and we're all a little worried about her, as no one has heard from her since her husband was declared MIA. She is part of Air Force Intelligence, and I can only assume that she is too busy trying to find her husband right now to contact anyone. I just hope the stress didn't put her into premature labor.

Hera, watch over their family and give them strength. Bring him home safely and quickly if possible. And if it is not, let his ending be as quick and painless as is feasible.

Every little thing that happens in this war just serves, again and again, to bring home the fact that my own brother is there, living through Gods know what. And every single person that is lost, every person who hurts, reminds me just how precious each person in my life really is, and how lucky I am to have them.

Please, help me to not get angry at the empty platitudes people keep mouthing at me day after day. If I hear, “He’s going to be all right,” one more time, I think I may finally snap and hit someone. *…shakes head…* I realize they all mean well, but unless someone can personally guarantee that they can bring home everyone’s sons/daughters/mothers/fathers/sisters/brothers/cousins/aunts/uncles/friends home safely, I don’t want to hear it anymore. The thorny truth is preferable to me than the empty garbage people find it necessary to spew. Why must people always try to cover reality with some “shiny happy people” nonsense? I just wish more people would learn that it is not such a horrible thing to acknowledge a person has a legitimate concern and just be there with them.

Athena, why am I having so many tolerance issues of late? Has everything I’ve gone through begun to make me cold? Maybe I’m just extremely short-tempered these days, but I’m having a really hard time sympathizing with nebulous, defeatist fears of possible futures when I am currently facing the reality of losing another person I love. *…sighs…* I would never wish for anyone to have to deal with the fear, uncertainty, pain, and sadness I am now fighting on an hourly basis. Why then, would anyone choose to put themselves through this unnecessarily? It’s beginning to make me seriously angry. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to hear about some paranoid certainty that someone is going to die because they may end up in a combat situation more than six months from now, when there are people who are living, and possibly dying, right at this moment in the midst of a real threat. It’s ridiculous. Seriously.

Zeus, Ares, again I ask you—please let this end quickly and decisively, and bring home as many of our loved ones as is allowable.

Hades, Persephone—gather those we lost, and those we will lose, unto you and show them the joys of dancing in Elysium.

[Athena-Nadine]

Hades, I hope the pain she carried within her for so long is finally silent. I hope she is at peace now. I hope she knows she is still loved.

Thinking of the "what-if's" is a useless exercise, I know, but I can't help it. There is no bringing her back. Even in hindsight, no one has been able to see anything they missed the first time around. It's still a mystery as to why. It probably always will be.

Hera, wrap her family in your arms and give them all the strength to get through this. Give her friends the same strength. Give me the strength to accept yet one more loss.

There have been so many now, I feel each one all the more keenly, it seems.

[Athena-Nadine]

...may he live blissful in Elysium.

[Athena-Nadine]

I'd be really grateful for clear sight right about now...

[Athena-Nadine]

OK, this is bad. My phone rang a little while ago, and as soon as I looked and saw who it was I got nauseous. I guess that's my answer, huh?

*...sighs...*

Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I really am just that fickle. If so, how on earth did that happen? I hate having to hurt people, whatever the reason for it. Is the whole thing in my own head? Am I just blowing everything out of proportion? Or am I just making excuses for him so I don't have to confront him?

I'm thinking everything to death, and all I'm managing to do is run myself in circles and give myself migraine after migraine. So I told myself maybe I'm thinking too much, since I don't seem to be accomplishing anything, and then tried to stop thinking about it all. But that doesn't do any good either, because ignoring it all isn't solving anything.

I don't want to be hasty and leave just because I'm angry and then find out later that I chose wrong. Yet I'm afraid that if I stay, I'll just continue to feel trapped and unhappy.

So again, I beg You for help in gaining a clear perspective on everything, and the strength and courage o do what needs to be done, whatever that may be.

[Athena-Nadine]

Please give me courage.

[Athena-Nadine]

I know in the grand scheme of things, it's such a silly thing to be so stressed out over.

*...slightly relieved sigh...* Thank You for the strength to go through with that conversation yesterday. It's not completely resolved yet, but at least we both have some breathing room now to figure things out.

[Athena-Nadine]

Please let this be what she is looking for. Please let this be the jobthat she can be happy with.

[Athena-Nadine]

Thank You for everything. And for everyone.

I suppose the only things I have to ask you for today are a safe flight and dreamless sleep.

[Athena-Nadine]

While I'd be really grateful for dreamless sleep, or at least an end to the nightmares, I'm glad he's there almost every night when I wake up from them.

Thank You for everything.

[Athena-Nadine]

Again, thank You for everything. I don't know what I would do without the rock-solid people I have in my life.

May Mark have a great time. Bring him home safe to me.

For all the others I love:


May they find the happiness they are looking for and deserve.
May they continue to have patience with me, each other, and themselves.
May they learn that change is always preferable to self-pity, if necessary.
May they find joy in the things they have, and not mourn for those they don't.
May they revel in the love in their lives.
May they always have the strength they need.
May they always know how much I love them.
May they all learn any lessons they need to be who they want to be.


May I learn to take my own advice as well as give it.

[Athena-Nadine]

I just don't have the words to thank You properly for letting Mark and I find each other. I'm so glad he enjoyed his vacation. He so needed the break. Bring him home to me safely and quickly. I hope he doesn't have to deal with the coming storm on his motorcycle.

Please let the really bad weather hold off long enough for me to drive up into the mountains for the weekend. Let us all get there safely.

Let Ses get home safely and happily. I'm so glad her trip went well. Give her the strength and patience to believe in herself. Give her whatever she needs in order to learn to be happy with her life.

PLEASE let Wanderer get the wonderful job she so desperately needs and deserves. Let it be the best thing for her. Let it make her happy. Let it help to erase her worries about money.

[Athena-Nadine]

Thank You so much for bringing Mark home safe to me. You know how I feel about motorcycles. I'm grateful I didn't find out how bad the weather he had to drive through to get home was until he was already back.

Every day I find another reason to be grateful that he is in my life. Today was no exception. It was so sweet of him to decide to extend his trip to his cousin's wedding in NJ in September due to the fact that I have to be in NYC on the 11th, without being asked to do so.

I'm glad Ses had a fairly smooth trip, and I'm glad she had a fairly smooth plane ride home.

May she find whatever it is she is looking for.

[Athena-Nadine]

Originally posted 7.31.2002

I know she is afraid. Oh, how I know it. It's a terrifying thing to step away from everything one knows, everything that is safe and comfortable, and leap into what feels like nothing but maybe's.

Seven months ago, it was me fighting against all the same fears my sister is feeling now. And even though I know, in the depths of my heart and soul, that I made the right decision, I am still afraid sometimes. Sometimes, I am still afraid of falling, so far from my safety nets. Sometimes, I am still afraid of pushing those dearest to me away. Mostly, I am afraid of the fear, for I know how paralyzing it can be.

*...shakes head ruefully...* Did I say the fear started seven months ago? Actually, it started over twenty-nine years ago.

I moved out of my parents' house for the last time when I was 21. Daughter and sister of alcoholics and drug addicts, daughter and sister of people who did nothing but beat me down, trying to smother my spirit so I would be as dead as they. *...sighs to herself, They have no idea how close they came to winning...*

I spent most of my life in fear: fear of the front door opening in the middle of the night, fear of watching my father hit my mother again, fear of my father throwing us all out of the house again, fear of finding my sister, brother, or father dead somewhere someday, fear of going outside and being dragged down an alleyway, fear of leaving my family and how they would hold themselves together without me, fear of being hit again, of being hurt again, of being yelled at again. Mostly, I spent my life in fear of ending up like the rest of them.

But You didn't let it happen. You gave me strength when I had none--the strength to face my "family," but mostly the strength to face myself. You gave me the strength to say, "No!" when the drugs came my way, and the strength to put the bottle down when it was getting too comfortable in my hand. You gave me the strength to look in the mirror and see me, not who everyone assumed me to be. You have given me the strength to put the necessary distance between myself and my "family." Though it is a daily battle, You continue to give me the strength to rise above my past, to rise above my upbringing, to just be me. You have given me a new family, a true family, one who stands by me now through anything, one who accepts me for who I am, and all the good and bad that comes with it. And for that, I will never be able to thank you enough.

Yes, I understand the fear. It is the most frightening thing in the world to face yourself, to see in yourself all of the things you have spent your life hating in others, to face your limitations, and know you may fall, no matter how hard you try.






Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is witin us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presense automatically liberates others.

--Marianne Williamson



Please give my sister the strength to face her fears.

Please give her the strength to see that she is not alone in this.

Please help her to understand that yes, she will trip, and yes, she very well may fall. That is part of growing, part of learning to fly.

Please give her the strength to see how beautiful she is.

Please give her the strength to walk away, if necessary, even through the pain and fear.

Please help her "family" to understand that just because she has chosen an additional family, it doesn't mean she is turning her back on them. That's all it is--an additional family.

Please help her to see how strong she really is.

Please help her to see herself as we all see her.

Please help her to learn to live her life with no apologies. There are none needed for striving to be happy.

Please give her the strength to revel in her own beauty and light, to stop hiding it for fear that others will not be able to shine.

Please give her the strength to take the first step to finding herself.


Please give her the strength to live her life for her own reasons, and not for everyone else's.

[Athena-Nadine]

Please save me from idiots and the obnoxious things they say.

[Athena-Nadine]

All right, so we all know my mouth runs away with me sometimes. We all know that, sometimes, I speak without thinking. That was definitely not the way he should have had to hear about some things. I’m sorry. He knows I’m sorry. Please don’t let this turn into something we’d both regret later.

[Athena-Nadine]

*...places five cedar logs in her fireplace, tosses in dried lavender, sage, and apple blossoms, sets it all alight, and sits back on her knees in front of the fire waiting for the flames to rise...*

Hestia, Lady of the Hearth, Protector of My Home, I thank you, and all the gods, for the blessings You have already bestowed upon us. I am Your faithful servant, and loving daughter. I come to You now in supplication.

We have gone over all of the options. We have gone over all of the numbers. We have weighed the pros and cons. We want this house. Not for the status of it, but for the financial security and physical safety of it. There are too many advantages to pass up the opportunity.

Hestia, My Lady, please let us have this. I know it is no small thing that I ask. We are both aware of the tremendous responsibility such a home would bring.

I know that there are only gas fireplaces in this house right now. I promise You, I will have a proper hearth put in. I will not forget my duties. You will always be honored. My home will always be Yours.

*...pours a small amount of apple-scented water onto the fire...*

I thank You, My Lady, for Your time, Your protection, Your patience, Your blessings, and Your love.

[Athena-Nadine]

*...kneels before her altar, her forehead touching the floor...*

My Lords.

My Ladies.

Athene, Lady of Steadfastness, Strength, Tactics, and Strategy, and Ardent Champion of the Brave and True—

Please help my loved ones to have everything they need in their lives. I realize they are not Yours. I realize they belong to Others and that it is not proper to directly intervene. Would You please have a talk with Those Who watch over them? . They have all worked so hard and struggled so much. They have faced so much adversity, and come through the better for it. I am not asking that everything be handed to them. *…smiles ruefully…* You know I know better. I am only asking for some relief for them. Help them to have some breathing space so they can live full, rich lives and follow their dreams.

Stronger people I have never found outside of this family You and the rest of the gods have seen fit to grant me. I am eternally grateful for them all. I would do anything for any of them. Yet I can only do so much without exceeding my own limits. As always, I am your faithful servant. I bow to your Wisdom in all things. I need your help in this.

[Athena-Nadine]

Hermes, speed them on their ways, and see them safely home. May they both find what they are looking for.

[Athena-Nadine]

Father Zeus, grant me patience. I don't know how much more of this place I can stand. It's getting so I don't want to wake up in the morning anymore. And if I have to get one more phone call telling me that I have to spend more money on that gods-forsaken house in Castle Rock, I am going to snap. I have already spent almost $600 beyond the security deposit getting the house and carpets cleaned so they can show it (why on earth would anyone color their hair without putting anything on the floor when their bathroom is carpeted???). Enough is enough already. I never want to see that house again. It's become the biggest headache in my life. I don't even want to answer my phone anymore. And now I have to hire someone to clean Carlos' condo so his new tenant can move in.

I can't wait until this year ends.

[Athena-Nadine]

*...sighs...* ...and she still doesn't understand that looking outside of herself for her purpose and happiness is a pointless, fruitless venture that will only end up making her feel even more empty.

I will try to return before the day is out with everything else.

[Athena-Nadine]

I am exhausted. My body is fine. I slept plenty last night. Physically, I feel better than I have for weeks. Yet my heart feels battered and worn.

My vacation was great until Sunday night. New Year’s Eve was great; my birthday was wonderful. It was so much fun seeing everyone. And then, laying in bed in the guestroom in Doobie’s father’s house on Sunday night, I lost it. Every single stress in my life came crashing in on me without warning. Every single bit of fear and pain that I carry on a daily basis became overwhelming.

How did it happen? I think it started a few weeks before we left for Florida the morning of New Year’s Eve. Doobie and I decided to start looking at rings after we got back from vacation. Simple, yes? Right. I don’t think so. After that began the talks about where we want to get married, what kind of wedding we want, and how big it should be, which in turn began to become complicated while we were in Florida.

Doobie’s father and stepmother decided to start nagging us Sunday evening about when we are getting married. We hadn’t said anything to them about the fact that we have already been discussing it. Fine. Parents will be parents, I suppose. I guess it shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did, but after listening to an evening of which aunt and uncle and cousin, etc. should be there, it was all I could do not to scream.

We went to bed that night and I couldn’t fall asleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all. I couldn’t stop thinking about my father. These people will whine and bitch and moan if every single person they want at our wedding isn’t there and I’m supposed to care? My father won’t be able to be there. There is no way to fly him anywhere. Even if we decided to go to NJ he still won’t be able to go. His machines aren’t portable. He can’t sit up. He is confined to his bed and those machines for whatever is left of his life. How do these people think he is going to feel knowing he won’t be able to attend his oldest daughter’s wedding? Knowing that someone else will walk me down the aisle? How do these people think my mother will feel sitting there knowing my father is stuck in that bed? How do they think it makes me feel to know this is inevitable? And here they are already whining about who they want to have there? Just thinking about it again makes me want to scream.

So poor Doobie was ripped out of a sound sleep to the sound of me hysterical crying. Of course he was terrified. He told me we can do whatever I want, and I know he’d stand beside whatever decision I made about it all. At the same time, I know how important it is to him for his whole family to be there. I don’t blame him. They should be. The trouble is, I’m of half a mind to say that if my father can’t be there, we might as well just grab two of our friends here and go to City Hall and be done with it, but that's not what I want either. At the same time, I don’t want to put my own family through all of this. How am I supposed to be happy on my own wedding day knowing my father is stuck in a hospital bed?

So of course that just brought every single hurt I carry to the surface—my brother in Iraq, my sister and her drug problems, my mother and everything she has to go through day after day, my own feelings of hurt and abandonment because of my father’s condition (the little girl in me won’t stop screaming, "I want my Daddy back!"), the longing to hear my father’s voice (which will never happen again), the nightmares of buildings falling on me that still come and go, our own financial stresses, the complete self-centered disregard of people who are supposed to be closest to me…

I’m so tired of being strong.

I’m so heart-tired right now I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until it all goes away.

Too bad I know better.

[Athena-Nadine]

Athena, Hermes, watch over him and keep him safe on his journey, wherever it leads him.

[Athena-Nadine]

*...sets offerings of milk, honey, red wine, bread, and a lock of hair on the altar and kneels with her forehead touching the floor in supplication...*

I wasn't going to speak to You at all about this because it's just to painful and difficult for me right now, but I was reminded a few minutes ago that this is when I need to speak up the most.

Zeus, Hera, Athena, Apollo, Artemis, Aphrodite, Ares, Demeter, Hermes, Hephaistos, Dionysos, Poseidon, Hekate, , Asklepios, and Tyche, my ever-present guardians--I come to You for Wisdom, Guidance, and Strength for myself, Maria and her family in this trying time.

Formidable Moirai, Dreaded Sisters--Clotho, Spinner of the Flax, Lachesis, Weaver of the Cloth, and Atropos, Cutter of the Thread--Fearful Hades, Persephone, and Thanatos--I know what will be will be. I accept that. I only beg You, if Maria's father is not to survive this, let him go quickly. This man is a second father to me. I can not stand the torment of watching another father suffer. Please let the necessary resolution, whatever it will be, be reached quickly and with as little pain as possible.

As ever, I am your faithful daughter. Thank you for all the blessing you have bestowed upon me and mine.

[Athena-Nadine]

Dearest Hestia, My Lady of My Hearth and My Home, Dearest Hera, Most Fair Protector of My Family, Most Revered Athena, Guide of My Path, Protector of my Sanity, My Strength when Mine Fails,
Thank You for all that You do to protect me, my home, and my new family.

I beg You--let these people who wish to buy this house have it. Let the closing go through as it is supposed to in two weeks. We three are all embarking upon new paths in our lives, and we need those paths to be free from this obstruction.

Also, I have gotten word that Doobie and I may be able to move into our new house by March 15th instead of April 1st. I can't tell You how excited I am about this. Please let their house be completed so we will be able to move into our home by March 15th.

We have also decided that we will probably need to sell the townhouse since M and P won't be able to move in due to financial constrictions. Please let that go as smoothly as possible as well. Please let it sell quickly if it turns out that selling it is what we need to do.

Thank You again for everything You do for me. I am ever your faithful Daughter.

[Athena-Nadine]

Go you safe and keep you safe and come safe home to me.

I'll see you Friday, Love.

Hermes, watch over him in his travels this week.

[Athena-Nadine]

I love you.

I'll miss you.

[DraconisArcanus]

So Mote It Be!

[Athena-Nadine]

How much more?!?

[Athena-Nadine]

Please, please, please...

[Athena-Nadine]

I will grant you proper obeisance and Eusebia as soon as I get home. Please hear me now. I fear my pleas cannot wait.

Fearsome One, Zeus Labrandeus, Bringer of formidable storms, Your Strength and Fury is without Peer. Please, soothe the clouds and slow Your Thunder and Rain.

Terrible One, Poseidon Prosklystios, Who floods the land, we stand naked amid Your rage. Please, I beg You, temper your anger.

Great One, Poseidon Asphalios, Stalwart Protector and Provider of safe voyage at sea, I am ever grateful for Your Shelter and Mercy. Please protect them and keep them, and their homes, safe.

[Athena-Nadine]

Why can't I stop shaking? How is it that I can go through so many days without being upset and then...BAM! One tiny, innocent post drives me over the edge of reason?

*...sighs...* I'm so angry with myself. I thought I was past this. How long do I have to carry this pain, fear, anger, and sadness with me? I knew I shouldn't have read that thread. But, no, I thought I could handle it. :rolleyes:

*...shakes head...* I'm sorry. I never expected such a loss of control in myself. Not after almost three years. But I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know I was still so fragile. Maybe I've spent too much time hiding this behind everything else--putting my life back together, getting engaged, losing my father, miscarrying, planning a wedding and juggling so many different people with different personalities in the process...

I don't know. But I'm thinking that it's probably well past time that I take a good, hard, long look at myself again.

[Phoenix Blue]

**Hugs Nallia tight** It's a healthy thing to do every once in a while, even if it hurts like hell at first. **Soft smile** Of course, you have to remind yourself that you're going back into that dark place with a purpose.

Your family will always be at your side. :hugz:

[Athena-Nadine]

*...hugs back...* Thanks.

I know. It has to be done. now it's just a matter of making time to deal with it amidst everything else going on right now.

[Athena-Nadine]

*...screams...*

Zeus, Athene, Poseidon, Themis, Dike, and Nemesis, May proper retribution and punishment come to those who broke into my car last night and stole Doobie's laptop and briefcase, my wallet, and who knows what else.

Please take care of the bastards who did this. What a pain in the ass. Of course my birth certificate just had to be in my wallet. Of course I had forgotten to take it out after getting the marriage license two days ago. Cancelling my bank account and all of Doobie's credit cards is going to cause a ridiculous number of problems with less than three weeks to the wedding. We can't afford this. There are too many things that have to be paid for in the next few days. How on earth are we supposed to do so when Doobie won't receive his new credit cards for 7-10 days??? And five weeks before my Direct Deposit changes go through. Three pay periods of paper checks that will take at least 5 business days to clear. I can't pay any of the bills that are due with no access to my money.

*...cries in frustration...*

[Phoenix Blue]

I'm so sorry, hon! **Hugs you tight**

[imperfectjoe]

so mote it be