? punishments & discipline ?

[Twilight Garden]

I was just wondering what types of alternative punishments you use on your own children. Other than using the typical "go to your room", what types of things do you do as a punishment? (There may already be a thread on this. If there is, you may have better luck finding it than I did.) ;)

[MammaStar]

My main method is I take "things" from him. More like priveleges and such. For example, there is a gaming store he frequents every Saturday. So, I use this as my leverage. He knows to get his chores done, keep his room clean, etc. or he doesn't get to go. Plus I have the radio thing as well. He listens to sports EVERY nite on the radio and if he's really bad, I take that away too.

He yells. He's a kid.....and sometimes everything is taken from him. Trip to WW, radio and TV and he just sits in his room.

[Faery-Wings]

Aah, this is a good question for me right now. I am at a loss on how to get my kids to listen better. Yelling doesn't work, obviously, taking away things doesn't work for very long, I have given swats on the hiney as a last resort, but I don't like doing that at all...time outs....sometimes work with my son, not my daughter. Discussions.. not a chance. I feel many days that I should give up!

Mostly I rely on time outs and taking away toys/privileges.

However, I must say that my kids listen really well to people other than my hubby and I. So the rules and manners are sinking in, somehow. And from what I hear from other parents, that is pretty common.

I can't wait to hear everyone's responses.

Chris

[Danustouch]

Oh.....this is exactly what I need to read right now! LOL. My neighbor's kid is becoming a little monster due to circumstances in his life right now. He refuses to listen to her, even when she gives him punishments, such as time outs, and going to his room.

I suggested the time out thing, because the taking away of priviledges wasn't working...

Right now, she can't tell him he can't go outside, because her Grandmother called DCYS on her saying she never let's him play outside (which is false). So even when he's being bad, she has to let him play outside so that her grandmother doesn't make another phone call (she lives upstairs in the building). So....that isn't a form of punishment she can use right now. We tried bargaining with him. We tried a report card method where if he is really good all day, he gets a star at the end of the day, and if he gets seven stars in a week, he gets' an "allowance" to spend at the dollar store, or stores near us. That isn't working either. Then, John and I kinda made a deal with him (trying to help out his poor stressed out mom)....that if he behaved he could play video games up here for an hour a day. If he doesn't...well...then...he doesn't get to play video games. That isn't working either. He pitches a fit. So then I reccomended time outs. When he mouths back to her, or refuses to do as she tells him to do, or whatever..he has to sit in his chair for ten minutes. When he's been sent to his chair, he sits there and glares at her and says "You're MEAN, and I'm Telling!". (in other words, trying to scare his mom about dcys). So now...we're all at our whits end with him.

Yesterday his mom asked me to talk to him, because she was afraid if she talked to him she'd call him a bad boy or something because she's at the end of her rope. So I went down there, and said.."Seth. You know about cops and robbers and stuff?" and he said yes. So I said.."Well..you know how if someone's doing something bad, and a police man tells him he has to stop, and he doesn't stop, he can go to jail?" (over simplified version). He said "Yes." And I said..."Well...you're just a kid. So mommy is kinda like your police officer. When she tells you to stop, and you don't. You have to go to your chair. This is your jail for ten minutes until you learn to behave". He seemed to understand that. A little while later, he was misbehaving again, so I pulled him aside again. I told him..."Ya know seth, when John and I first met you, we said..'what a good little boy. We want to be his friend' but lately, we're wondering where that good little boy went to. Your mommy is very good to you. She gives you icecream. Lets you go places with John and I, let's you play in the backyard, takes you to the park, let's you buy things at the store, and reads you stories and stuff. And you're being very mean to her. And it hurts her feelings. This isn't the good little boy John and I thought you were. We miss that good little boy. We want the old seth back, because we're not sure we want the new seth to come and play video games with us anymore!". Then I explained..."If you're being bad, and you ask mom for icecream, what do you think she'll say?" and he said. "No". I said.."you're right. But if you're being good, and you ask for icecream, what do you think she'll say?" and he said.."Yes". I said..."You're right. So if I were you, i'd be good. Because you'll get lotsa good things when you're good. But when you're bad, you won't get those good things". I also told him that he's going to school in just a few short weeks (kindergarten). I said.."When you make friends, they might ask you to come over to their house. And if you are fresh to your mom in front of their parents, or if you are fresh to THEIR parents...they probably won't ask you to come back the next time. So...you've got to learn how to behave. So that you can make lots of friends". and he said..."Ok. I promise.". That was last night, and since then, he has behaved like the little angel he was when we first met him. Hopefully, those talks will help. If not, I have a feeling he's going to have to get very comfortable in the time out chair!

So I too would be interested in hearing any other methods of punishment that parents use, or reward systems, or whatever.

[Twilight Garden]

My step-daughter is coming home today after spending a good portion of the summer in Germany with her mother. She hasn't lived with her mother for more than two days straight in 3-4 years. Her mom had a challenging time with her this summer. The mother has also never really had to punish her before. (When she used to get annoyed with Lil Girl, she would drop her off and explain what she did and tell us that we needed to punish her... And she wonders why Lil Girl doesn't respect her.)

Apparently Lil Girl has picked up stealing and lying while in Germany. On Lil Girl's first offense of lying she had to write 100 sentences. Then on her second offense she had to write 250 sentences. Well we just got an e-mail from her mom saying that she is on her third offense and is currently writing 500 sentences. She had the nerve to suggest that when Lil Girl gets back that we should continue with the "sentence writing" where she left off; and next time Lil Girl lies, to have her write 750 or 1000 sentences. I'm sorry. I think it's rediculous. If it's obviously not working for her, why would we continue in making Lil Girl write until her hand falls off?

We had a set of rules and consequences for our home, but they were tailored to our old house. (While the squirt was in Germany we took the opportunity of being "childless" to move.) Now the consequences don't really apply as well and we are having to create new ones.

I like the idea of having her do something when in trouble. We were thinking maybe some age appropriate (9yo) chores might be an option. Also taking things away works pretty well, so that will probably remain as a "first offense" kind of thing.

[Twilight Garden]

I'm not really one for rewarding good behavior. It feels too much like bribing your kid to be good. It also teaches them that they should always get something for being good. My idea is your reward for being good is: you don't get in trouble, you get to keep your freedom. At a very young age, under four, bribes might be a bit more appropriate. But as they get older they have to learn that in society you don't get rewarded for being a good citizen. I like the analogy Danustouch gave about cops and robbers. That was good.

[ChelleOfShadows]

I was raised that school and doing my best there, my household chores, and generally behaving was my job. My parents explained they worked every day and as a result were paid a salary for such work. They did not however get paid for doing house or yardwork. That was expected to keep a happy home. For acceptable grades in school (never less than a B or I was in serious trouble) I was given certain priviledges which I otherwise would not have had, staying up late on weekends, my own phone line (after I was a teen), use of the car and then my own car etc.... Ask my mother I was the perfect child.

Now I have my own three and they basically told me where to stuff it. So with the older 2 I have established a set in stone barter system. Homework and school is their job. For that job every report card they get 1 dollar for every A and 50 cents for a B. This is their salary and they can buy anything they want, candy, gum, toys etc.. For every chore they complete with out whining or fighting, they get Mommy dollars. These Mommy dollars can be spent in many ways, nintendo time, pay off a sibling to do their chore, it is between them, HOWEVER it can be taken away just as easily. When ScoobyDoo came out, my oldest was not allowed to go. He did not have any Mommy dollars, he had mouthed off and disrespected me and his camp counselor so much he owed Mommy money. It only cost them a dollar but hey he was broke. When it comes to downright fighting, I'm sorry if this offends but they get a good swat with a switch. They both are capable of hurting each other and it is just not acceptable.

As for raising my voice, that is NOT an option. If they are running wild and yelling I walk to the room they are in and whisper "clap now and you get a Mommy dollar" (of course they never hear me) the next is clap now and you owe Mommy a dollar, clap twice two dollars etc..... for every dollar I raise my voice a little louder. It has been over a year since I have gotten more than 3 dollars from them. They usually hush up when I walk in the room and they actually all three realize I am there.

I also have a punishment for whining and tattle telling, you get to wear the whiners hat which is a pink pullup diaper with feathers, sequins, glitter and cotton balls glued to it. That has sat on the fridge for months!!!

I also still use time out, there are just sometimes when space and cooling off is needed. I have also made my oldest write words out of the dictionary, read labels off of stuff in the pantry, anything silly that comes to mind and makes him stop and think. He had a terrible habit of whistling and would not stop so once I made him whistle for over an hour. The after silence was all the more golden. My youngest son hates taking a shower, he fully enjoys his tub priviledges. I use that.

I have no clue if this is the right way or the wrong way, all I know is it works right now and has kept everything down to a dull roar for a long time now!! As an only child I have had to adjust seriously to my 3 kids. I didn't have the advantage of hitting a brother or sister because "HE WAS THERE"!!!

[Tammy Sullivan]

The nose in the corner thing works pretty good here, also I will scold gently, but I always make sure to hug after. With my teenagers it is more simple, "You wanna borrow the car don't you?";) always works

[Arduinna]

Don't do "go to your room" or yelling. Discussing the situation has always worked the best for us. When she was little "that is unacceptable behavior" was my most frequent way of dealing with it.

[Danustouch]

Yesterday, Seth was allowed to play on Johns computer for an hour and a half (asteroids). When John needed the computer back for work at the end of that time, Seth threw an enormous tantrum. "That's Not FAIR!!!!!!!" he said. "I was playin and john told me that I had to go home now!!!!!" His mom, and I, and John had all explained to him repeatedly on other occasions, that the computer wasn't just a toy. That it was also how john does his work, and that when he's allowed to play on it, he must "give it back" when his time is up. Shannon went to go get seth, and on the way down was telling him that that wasn't nice at all. She was very dissappointed in him for breaking his promise (to 'go with the flow' and come home when his time was up, gracefully), and that she would have to think of a punishment. Then she told him no computer for the rest of the week (until sunday). She told him that all week long, he'd been very selfish with the computer, and 'greedy'. That John was kind enough to let him use it, and that what he was doing in return was being unkind to John. Seth threw a mighty tantrum then, crying, and remaining frozen to the spot when shannon told him to get ready for bed (not an unfair punishment, it was only a half hour before his bed time). Finally, he did as she told him, and she told him to go to bed, and think about how he'd been behaving this week. That just because his Daddy wasn't home, didn't mean that he could behave this poorly, or be rude to people. That the computer WASNT his, our apartment isn't his own home, that John isn't his Dad, and using the computer is a "favor" to seth when he is "Good". She explained to him that when he goes to his cousins home, and plays with their toys, when their parents get ready to drive him home, he doesn't insist on taking their toys with him. So he had to understand that John is his friend, and he shouldn't behave differen'tly than he would with any OTHER friend.

Then she said "I still love you, I'll always love you, but Seth, you need to learn that you have to behave". He said..."I'm sorry mommy". And she kissed him and said..."I know you are sorry, but sorry doesn't mean you can have your computer priviledges back. You still have to do the punishment, and prove that you want to behave better next time. Then maybe they will let you on the computer again, and I will say okay.".

Today, Seth was a perfect little angel almost all day. So...we're guessing that right now..the computer is such a "new" activity to him, that it is probably the most effective form of discipline. "Be good, get to use the computer. Be bad, no computer.". Hopefully, this will continue to be such an effective tool.

[AradiaSupernova]

I don't have any kids, but I know what did and didn't work on me when I was little.

First thing. Hitting your kids with any kind of object (hand, switch, anything you can grab in the heat of the moment) won't do you any good. This makes the child hate you. And I don't mean "I hate you!" and then 2 days later they're all lovey dovey on you. If you truly want your child to respect you, what is hitting them showing? "I want you to be afraid of me". Anyone who hits their child should be put in jail, IMO, and no excuse is a good one.

Second thing. Time outs don't do anything but allow the child time enough to come up with a battle plan to do something else once they get out of time out:) lol

Third thing. Taking away priveledges works usually, depends on the child. It doesn't work over a long time, but its generally a good way to go.

Forth thing. Again, depending on the child's attention span, discussions might work. Not highly recommended though. lol

can't think of any other things my parents ever used on us girls. Thats all for me on this subject :)

[Danustouch]

I think time outs can work, as long as you give them something to think about while their having their time outs.

I was talking to one of my friends in my hometown yesterday, he's a stay at home dad. And he said he gives his four year old five minute time outs often. What he does is say..."this isn't a punishment...it's 'chill out time'. Right now, your really doing something you shouldn't do. I want you to think about why you are doing it while your sitting in that chair. And I when you get out of that chair, I want you to tell me whether or not you think that what you were doing was fair.". More times than not, his daughter get's out of the chair at the end of her five minutes, and says..."I'm sorry daddy.".

[Myst]

Not to be picky or rude Aradia, but a lot of those answers will work. It depends on the parent, the child, and the circumstances. We all know I don't have a child so I won't go on and on but I can tell you that I have children respond to all of those except the first one. One child particularily hated timeouts and that always worked when nothing else would. A lot of children will respond to a calm discussion and reason if they are started with that at a young age (for instance my 3 year old niece - she's very well behaved 99% of the time because she's reasoned with and spoken to quietly, not yelled at, hit, or given timeouts).

[Yvonne Belisle]

Well there are tacks in the wall and facing them. There are wall sits where they sit against the wall as if they were sitting in a chair. There are also things such as holding your arms out with a phone book on them for a while. These things sometimes work too.

[AradiaSupernova]

alrighty. let me clarify. I said in my first post that since I don't have kids, I was going to put what worked and didn't work on me. Sorry if this confused everyone, but I meant that thats what worked with me..I didn't mean everyone else.

[Myst]

It reads like you are talking about other children rather then yourself. I must've read it wrong :) Like the "depending on the child" bit etc. Oh well it happens :D

[Burning Goddess]

I know in my house that time outs work wonders lol. Sean would rather have his butt swatted than go to the corner!! :huh: I've only smacked him once and that was when he had sank his teeth into my arm and wouldn't let go!! :ahhhh: He doesn't do it often but MAN when he bites HE BITES! I have never been a fan of violence especially with children but sometimes it's all you can do to get them to stop what they are doing. Stick to the timeouts and other nonviolent measures. The child will thank you for it later in life. :loveduv: