My dad's disability and the uncertainty of the future :-/

[Iris]

Hey everyone. I just feel a little down and didn't really know who to turn to. The situation is this - my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis ten years ago, and while things aren't yet as bad as they could get, my family and I have reached a stage where we don't feel happy with him continuing to live as he is; that is, alone. My mother and father split up a long time ago, when I was a baby, and since all his kids have left home, he lives alone most of the time. I, the youngest, am the only one who still keeps in room in his house. Family members do visit, although not as often as he would like; he pays one of his sisters to clean for him once a week, and his youngest sister takes him shopping once a week also. However, there's a lot more that he needs help with, and things that no-one else sees, because I am the only one who ever *stays* with him for any period of time. I have come back from University (college) to visit for a few weeks and he is worse than ever. He often cannot make it to the bathroom and will have accidents. And because he finds it such an effort to do anything, he has told me that he will sometimes have an accident and just sit in his wet trousers - getting changed would mean walking up the stairs, getting cleaned up and putting clean clothes on, and it is all too much effort for him. Also, he cannot keep up with basic hygiene - I have been here before for two weeks and he will not bathe or shower for that period. I have now begun to offer to help him shower, and so while I am home, he does manage to get showered a few times a week, with my help. However, I cannot be here all the time. I go to University in a city that is 2 hours' drive away (and I don't have a car). I also have a job in that city. My SO and friends are there, and I have no desire to move permanently back to my hometown. Also, last night he asked me to help him cut his toenails (he has a lot of difficulty bending down). Well...I've never seen anything like it in my life. They had been allowed to grow for so long that some of them were curled right over and growing INTO his foot. There was a LOT of dried skin, and some of it was discoloured...I have since cleaned his feet all up for him, but I am concerned about what happens when I go back to University.

The decision we are all facing now is; my eldest brother has offered to take my dad in. This is probably the best thing all round. My dad has been asked how he feels about it, and says he thinks he would be 'quite happy' living there. My eldest brother has a wife and two lovely daughters, and I think it might do my dad good, mentally and emotionally, to be around a family environment again, and to interact with the kids (one is 4 years old, the other about 18 months). It would give him something to DO, whereas all he does right now is sit home and watch TV.

I did offer for my dad to come and live with me...but I'm not in a good position to do that, TBH. I live in a house that is very tiny...it's not suitable for him really. My brother is talking about getting an annex built onto his house (he owns his own home, which I do not...and is moving house very soon to a bigger place.) the annex would be completely flat, on one level, with big doors to get the wheelchair through, and a shower room with hand rails etc. They are talking about getting a carer in during the days to help him wash etc. I feel that they can offer a more suitable and more stable environment for him. I will graduate from University this year and as yet, have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, or where I am going to be. Plus, I don't have the support structure of a husband and children. But my dad and I have always been very close, and I am worried that he might be happier with me. I feel bad and guilty that I can't take him in. I even considered buying a house so he could move in - but at this stage in my life, no-one is going to lend me money to buy a house. Plus my lifestyle just isn't as settled. But I have a lot of feelings of guilt about all this.

Also, him moving in with my brother means him selling his house - ie my family home. I don't have a lot of security in my own life at the moment - I rent accomodation in my University town and often struggle to make rent. If I can't find a job when I finish University, I'm going to be in very bad trouble, even more so if my dad sells his home and so I have nowhere else to go if the worst happens and I can't make rent...

I'm not sure what I want from this post. I just feel very overwhelmed and worried right now. I didn't know who else to talk to.

[TheWomanMonster]

I understand how overwhelming this whole situation must be...
just do your very best to do what is good for you.
It seems that what is best for your Dad is moving in with your brother's family for sure.

Don't let your work worries get to you right now - just keep working to be the best you can in school and prepare yourself for the great job hunt ahead.
My husband might have some good UK specific suggestions for you I'll point him to this thread.

Good luck hun, and lots of Hugs! :huddle:

[Annorah]

Hi Iris

Just a couple of things for you to consider:

As your father is suffering from MS and is becoming less able to cope, have you considered involving the local Social Services? They tend to do everything they can to keep people in their own home and may even help with the provision of equipment to make life easier for your Dad along with care. If your Dad does need help with care, is he able to claim any benefits towards this?

Also, it may be worth contacting his local branch of the MS Society - they offer all sorts of practical and emotional support to MS sufferers. Here is a link to their general website:

http://www.mssociety.org.uk/

I hope that all of this works out well for all of those involved.

:hugz:

A

[Iris]

Gah. And now my mum's being an absolute pain in the arse. She seems to be annoyed that I am worried about my circumstances, and how this might negatively affect me. It should be perfectly obvious that, although this isn't the only thing on my mind, naturally I'd rather not end up homeless.

Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw once. "My mother doesn't just enjoy guilt trips; she runs the travel agency."

[Moonlite Faery]

:hugz: everyone has such good suggestions, i personally only know one person with ms and she is living with her husband, and there isnt much extra that can be done. but i do agree with trying local resources to help.

as for your mum she may be getting jealous about all the attention you are showing your dad in the form of concern. its a pretty crappy thought, but that may just be the case.

but more :hugz: for you and i will light a candle for your family

[Glowy]

It may be a good idea to speak to your very caring brother and his wife about your concerns. You are young, and in school need the the family home. They It would not hurt to speak to them and in exchange offer to babysit for free when you are there.((HUGS))

[BlackLili]

:hugz: I'm sorry things with your Dad have gotten more difficult. It is good that your brother is willing to step up and volunteer his help and home like that. I understand your feelings of guilt but remember - you are helping to make a decision as a family for what would be both the best for your Dad as well as what will make him the happiest.

I would encourage your Dad to take your brother up on his offer - grateful children can be hard to come by, and it seems that your father has been blessed with more than one. :hugz:

[TheWomanMonster]

:hugz: I'm sorry things with your Dad have gotten more difficult. It is good that your brother is willing to step up and volunteer his help and home like that. I understand your feelings of guilt but remember - you are helping to make a decision as a family for what would be both the best for your Dad as well as what will make him the happiest.

I would encourage your Dad to take your brother up on his offer - grateful children can be hard to come by, and it seems that your father has been blessed with more than one. :hugz:

I totally agree... he's lucky to have a family like that.

My Mum and her brothers would be playing 1-2-3 NOT IT!
:p

[Laisrean]

MS is a terrible disease. My mom has it, so I can sympathize with you to some extent even though her situation isn't as bad yet. I hope a cure for it is found sooner rather than later. :hugz:

[Willow Rosette]

:hugz: I dont have any experience with MS but Im here to listen if you need me honey!

[Against The Tide]

*hugs*

Iris chick, don't feel guilty about not having your dad at this stage in your life. You are going to university, your housing situation isn't as secure as you'd need it to be in order to look after someone with a long term debilitating illness.

Your brother is the best choice, and that doesn't mean you love youd dad any less. Love alone isn't enough. Just as good care alone isn't enough - let your brothers family do what they can and you visit when you can. I think your dad understands that you cant just drop everything you've got going on for him right now, why he wants better for you :)

If in the future, after university, you decide you might be anle to offer more financial and practical assistance, then do so - but thats then and not now. Let your brother get closer with his dad, and dont think this will knock you off your spot within your dads heart - you've been helping hi so much already and you've got the ball rolling for his better health.

I have an auntie with MS and understand the strain it can put on the family. As with jealous relatives, tell them where to go. My dad was onced asked 'How do I get a cool disabled parking sticker?' and I told my uncle in icy cold tones 'Get cancer'.