I Don't Know What To Do

[Knight]

I haven't been here as much as I would like. I can only log on from the library or work, when they let me. My last few months have been... dramatic. Not in a good way.

I live with my girlfriend. Beltane will be our 14th anniversary. We're poor, but we had each other. We thought so. She started to drink, to get to sleep. Menopause is causing sleep troubles. So, rum. Johhny Depp/ Jack Sparrow started that. I didn't like her behavior when she drank, so I'd stay away. Library, theater, games. She had Bacardi and American Idol, I had the internet. Disfunctional, no? We ignored it.

I recently performed in two plays. Right before Thanksgiving, I was in a Shakespeare play, big lead. Lots of lines to learn, lots of preparation. I just finished playing the lead in a comedy. Again, big role, lots of time away. She was lonely. She drank. I stayed away.

In the play, I had love scenes with a woman about 10 years younger than me. The director had us doing trust exercises, being physical with each other, so our attraction would seem realistic to the audience. Guess what? It got too real. I kissed her for real, we made out , I felt excited and guilty at the same time. The actress admitted she had a crush on me. She said she would tell my girlfriend what happened when she came to see the show. I freaked. I told my girlfriend what I'd done. She was hurt, and angry. I couldn't leave the show, other people's money was riding on it, and their time. I had to get though it.

So here's where I am now. Both women say they love me, would do anything for me. I can't for the life of me see why! Who the hell am I? I'm nothing. I work retail and do community theater.Being around either one makes me feel so guilty, and unworthy. I've kept my distance from the actress, and need to make it clear we can't go on. But my girlfriend is still drinking. I've been really sick the last few days, some flu or something. I have to work, no sick time. She won't let me rest. She wakes me every hour or two to ask if I love her, if I really love her, and she'll try to start something. I'm exhausted. I have no patience left. We just had an argument. I've been coughing up a lung, I took some medicine, and was just sitting still, waiting for the medicine to kick in, and she keeps at me. I say I need rest, she'll say OK, leave, and come right back five munites later doing and saying exactly the same thing! So now I'm at work, using the computer on the sly.

I feel so isolated. I've talked to no one about this, except in vague terms. I don't have time. I feel as if I don't stay with my girlfriend as much as possible, she'll do something drastic. I know I acted like a fool, but it's exposed the problems that were in our relationship all along. She wants me to give up theater, for good. I've been acting in community theater since 1980. It's part of who I am. But I said I'd do it, for her. I asked her to give up drinking. That hasn't happened yet.

She wants to get married. We had always planned on it. Legally, she's still married to her ex, even though they've been apart 14 years. They never got divorced. Now she's telling everybody we know we're engaged. I feel like the biggest fool in the world. I'm a liar and a coward, and I hate myself. I just don't know what to do.

[dragoncrone]

The mutual attraction phenomenon happens on a regular basis in theater. It becomes compounded when the parties involved have other motives, other partners, other issues, which complicate the situation. Not sayin' it's right/wrong, just - it happens.

For some peace of mind it might benefit you to tell both ladies you need some time alone. Then BE alone for a while. Got a friend or co-worker you can crash with for a couple weeks? So you can recuperate from the flu/whatever, and get your head straight.

If you wish to continue with your 14-year companion, lay it on the line: no drugs, no booze, get a medical checkup or whatever, deal with the menopause (it could be other things, too). If you stick around and let her self-medicate, bottom line is - you're an enabler.

Tell your other lady friend to chill out for awhile. Who knows, perhaps her ardor will cool by itself, now that the Shakespeare gig is over. That happens too.

I don't believe you're a bad person. Actors, musicians, writers, artists - all live in a sort of parallel creative universe apart from the rest of the world. Their realities are not the same as everyone else's - nor should they be. But it is a good thing to inject some realism into your sphere of existence from time to time, just to - as I said - get your head straight.

Peace, out.

[Brightshores]

I agree completely with everything Dragoncrone said. I think some time to yourself would be an excellent idea right now.

Also - take it from someone who grew up in an alcoholic family - do NOT marry a woman who is an unrecovering alcoholic. You will most likely regret it for the rest of your life. Make sure she's been in treatment before making that kind of commitment. Also - clearly, you can't marry her until she's actually divorced.

It's unfair of her to expect you to give up theater. It's clearly something you love and are passionate about. A healthy relationship has room for each person to follow their interests and dreams. Maybe you can compromise - once she's healthy, perhaps she would like to participate in theater with you somehow... doing backstage work, selling tickets, etc.

Most importantly - forgive yourself. So you made a mistake - people do it all the time. Wasting energy on beating yourself up about it isn't going to help you. Forgive yourself and deal with the situation as it is now.

I hope things get better for you... :hugz:

[Merrilyn]

Allow yourself to live.