View Full Version : Condolences for a miscarriage?

Amethyst Rose
April 5th, 2008, 10:25 PM
I just found out that a friend of mine miscarried at 11 weeks (she was due October 25). She says that she and her husband are fine, that everything happens for a reason and they'll be trying again later in the year. However, I feel sick over it...I feel like I'm taking it worse that she is. :)

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any ideas for presents or something to give when such a thing happens?

April 5th, 2008, 10:29 PM
I asked my son, (he and his ex lost 3 last year) and he says there really isn't any gift you can give for that. Just express your sympathy and then let it go unless she wants to talk about it. Sometimes, they just want to move on and not dwell on the loss.

Amethyst Rose
April 5th, 2008, 10:43 PM
That makes sense, thanks. I guess I just feel sick for her because that's how I would feel in her place. However she has Crohns disease and has to be on a lot of drugs, and it's going to be more difficult for her to get and stay pregnant, so maybe she's more mentally prepared than I would be.

April 5th, 2008, 10:44 PM
I agree. Condolances are about all you can give.

April 5th, 2008, 10:57 PM
I agree - there's probably no gift that would really be appropriate. Also, if I were her, I would be uncomfortable having a gift that would always remind me of the loss. Maybe you could plant a tree or some spring bulbs in the child's honor or something like that? You don't even have to tell her about the tree or the plant.. but it might make you feel better to commemorate the life of the child, brief though it was.

:hugz: to you and to your friend..

Against The Tide
April 6th, 2008, 01:59 AM
Just be there for them chicky *hugs*

April 6th, 2008, 03:05 AM
When I had my two miscarriages I did not want anything as a reminder or connection to either of them, it hurt to much.... so I agree with the others just letting her know your there for her when she needs you is probably the best thing you can do.

Maybe you could plant a tree or some spring bulbs in the child's honor or something like that? That is a beautiful idea.

April 6th, 2008, 05:18 AM
i said it was Ok... said it wasn't the right time.... but.. hearing from others that they had experienced the same gave me permission to greive anyway...

a kind shoulder is all you can offer... and understanding.

April 6th, 2008, 06:20 AM
I agree with the shoulder and the hugs... That's all you can offer. The best thing to do is not te be scared to ask her how she's doing. It's a tough question to ask, but she'll feel your compassion, without you ever mentioned what really happened.

My aunt miscarried the after she all told us she was pregnant... I was too young to help her and I still feel sorry for that.
I did wrote a poem, for the little butterfly, as I called the baby. Maybe that's an idea for you... You don't need to share it with her, but you can let your emotions go...

April 6th, 2008, 09:10 AM
Its all about what the parents want. Some people arent bothered by a miscarriage, others are as devastated as if the pregnancy were full term. In this case, I think spoken condolences are enough for her, but perhaps your own feelings need to be addressed? Are you mouring this baby because of your own choice not to have more babies? Maybe mouring the loss of possibility?Even when sure they dont want more, women often feel loss in the idea of never having another baby.

In the case of a mother who is really upset, a gift such as a special stone or shell that she can carry in place of carrying her baby and then dispose of ritually when she is ready to let go, either in moving water, or by burying it or even just by putting it away someplace special that she can revisit can help with the grieving process. At worst, she will toss it out, but at best it may be of help when nothing else helps.

Amethyst Rose
April 6th, 2008, 10:50 AM
Are you mouring this baby because of your own choice not to have more babies? Maybe mouring the loss of possibility?Even when sure they dont want more, women often feel loss in the idea of never having another baby.

That is definitely a possibility. No one else I know will be having a baby any time soon so maybe I was looking forward to living through her. :)

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this.

April 8th, 2008, 09:42 PM
I've had six. Five were miscarried in the first trimester. River was lost at 16 weeks. Honestly, I have something to commemorate each tiny life except two. Come the fourth miscarriage it really became rediculous and unbelievable to me.

That said, If you feel moved to give her something as a token of the life she carried, I say do it.

:hugz: I think that it is sweet that you are thinking about and pondering it.

April 9th, 2008, 01:22 AM
when my sister miscarried the second time, I was there for her if she needed to talk. She had kept the pregnancy secret from our side of the family because our parents don't approve. She took me out to the garage to show me the furniture that they had already purchased for the baby, things like that. Just being there for her helped, I think. A month or so later was Pregnancy Loss Day, or something like that. I'm not sure if she had heard about that, I figured she might have read something about it on livejournal or something, so I got her a small bouquet of flowers. I didn't tell her what they were for, because I didn't want to bring it up if she didn't know, but I wanted her to know that I was thinking about her, in case she had been reminded of her loss that day. She just thought I had broken something in her house, and was trying to apologize for it, but the thought was there. So maybe if you feel like getting something for your friend, wait a few weeks, and then give her an "I'm your friend and I'm here for you just because" gift, so its not connected directly to her loss.

Brigid Rowan
April 9th, 2008, 01:56 AM
Write down the date of her miscarriage. Make sure to call her on that day, and take her to lunch on that day next month..you needn't mention the loss then, but just be there for her. Sometimes grief takes awhile to sink in, you know? Shock can numb you to the impact of it all. But her first period after the loss may be hard.

When my mom and dad got calls from friends on the anniversary of my brothers death, it was SOOOO comforting to them, to know other people were remembering him too.