Disciplining of Children in Blended Fams

[Twinkle]

OK...so I often worry how discipline works with stepkids. In my mind, when the kids are with me in my home, it's my rules, my discipline.

Now...I don't spank and I am not at all strict...but I do have certain expectations. How do I set my boundaries without creating resentful children? I know their father stands behind me...but should the expectations come from him?

[Rudas Starblaze]

i would say it depends on the punishment in question.

for instance, my sons stepdad whipped him with a belt and bruised him all up a few years ago. of course the locan and state police and DCFS in illinois didnt do jack about it. needless to say i made it very clear what would happen if he so much as yelled at my son let along laid a finger on him again. fortunatly, hes not touched my son since.

[GEBS]

OK...so I often worry how discipline works with stepkids. In my mind, when the kids are with me in my home, it's my rules, my discipline.

Now...I don't spank and I am not at all strict...but I do have certain expectations. How do I set my boundaries without creating resentful children? I know their father stands behind me...but should the expectations come from him?


mol and I spent a lot of time talking about our expectations for the kids. I have a lot of rules that I never saw as rules until Trey got here. I saw it as just a way to live. Trey saw it as rules. To me, cleaning up after yourself is good manners, not a rule. Lifting the toilet seat is good manners, not a rule. Table manners are not a rule, they're just how you eat. Coming home before the street lights are on, that's a rule.

Trey fought the "rules" every step of our journey together. He is just now getting to the point where he doesn't fight it. Most days. :) I know that Trey is a special case so it might not take so long in your house.

In the beginning I expected mol to enforce any rules we had. I covered the basics like food and drink don't come out of the dining room or kitchen but anything too far beyond that mol had to cover. When a rule was broken I expected mol to talk with Trey about it. I would talk with Trey again later when he wasn't getting in trouble to explain again why we have that rule and how it effects our household when the rule is broken. Trey needs a lot of reinforcement.

Now I do scold him when it's needed. If an extended grounding is in order mol still covers that. We usually talk alone before we talk to Trey. We try to work out any details (length of time, what he's grounded from) before we talk to him. mol tells him what his punishment is but we're both there when he's told (most times) so that there is no manipulation later on. He tries to trick me into letting him have things his dad says no to if I'm not there to witness the grounding rules.

With the girls it's much easier. I tell them to keep their sippy cups in the kitchen and they do. The first time here they didn't. Trin was especially good at hiding things she wasn't supposed to have. She's put food in her pull-ups so I wouldn't see it and hide it in the bedroom for later. She would put her drinks in her babydoll's diaper bag and carry it off. When I'd catch her she'd give me the cutest little grin and say "I didn't do it." It was like a game to her. It didn't take long for her to start listening to me though.

The most trouble I've had with the girls was bed time or dinner time. They aren't crazy eating the food I give them. We had to compromise on food a few times but over all they were good about it. If we had sushi I would give them chicken and mac and cheese. Then they would want the sushi because the rest of us were eating it. I was so proud the first time they asked for sushi :smile: I have a pic of Trin stealing sushi off mol's plate in one of my albums.


I'm sure if you two talk about the expectations before the kids are there things will go fine. The most important part is that you two communicate what is expected to each other and the kids. If he's supporting you then I wouldn't worry too much. They will probably defy you at first but that shouldn't last. Keep calm and know that whatever they do it's probably normal for kids going through a change. Stand your ground (gently). They will adjust.




for instance, my sons stepdad whipped him with a belt and bruised him all up a few years ago

If someone did that to my son I would be spending a long time in jail. You have much better control than I do.

[Ziana]

Our family is a little different from most step-families that I have known. For instance my daughter calls my husband Daddy, and his son calls me Mom. We (my husband and I) have been together since 2004, and we were married in 2006. My daughter is 10, and his son is 12. We have only had custody of the boy child since 2006. Both kids are disciplined as if we were an original family, not a blended family.

[Cat]

OK...so I often worry how discipline works with stepkids. In my mind, when the kids are with me in my home, it's my rules, my discipline.

Now...I don't spank and I am not at all strict...but I do have certain expectations. How do I set my boundaries without creating resentful children? I know their father stands behind me...but should the expectations come from him?

Its complicated, and the answers vary with the specific people and situations. For me, I refuse to have a kid in my home and in my care whom I cannot discipline. Just ain't happening. That said, even if I believed in spanking, which I don't, I would not ever lay a finger on a stepchild because it would put me in for way too much grief and misunderstanding. How it works here is I uphold any standing rules and administer standing punishments. If I needed to give a consequence for something new and dh wasn't around to talk to, I'd either handle it myself if it was minor, or tell sd that dh and I would talk about what to do if it wasn't. She's old enough to understand that she's being punished for something she did even if the punishment isn't immediate.

Yes I think the expectations should come from the bio. The two of you need to be in agreement as much as possible about the house rules and what, if any consequences there are for breaking them.

Just curious--what are yours?

[Twinkle]

Basically, I expect toys and things to be picked up and put away when they are finished. I expect food and drink to be eaten at the table unless it's a special treat. I expect that you place your dish in the sink when you are done.

I'd like to see dirty laundry be placed in the laundry basket...and not all over the floor.

I'm really just wanting neatness...or at least as much neatness as one could reasonably expect. I'm not a Drill Sergeant...but nothing is more gross than plates of food and glasses of milk or whatever all over the house...and I hate tripping over toys.

That's really it.

The rest of it I can roll with, and work out as I go. The above listed are things that I just have to have though...or it will drive me insane.

[GEBS]

It does not sound like you are asking for much. I think you're going to do fine. I can't imagine your partner having a problem making the kids do those things. They may already do it at their home. :)

[Cat]

Sounds entirely reasonable to me too.

We used to have sd pick up after herself as the first part of her pre-bed routine. And if I recall correctly, hanging up her coat/jacket was the very first issue I handled with her. I'd hope your partner would want his child to learn these habits.

[Nitefalle]

I think the most important thing is that you back each other up. If the child thinks that you two are divided on these issues, they will take advantage. If they know that Dad would have handled the situation the exact same way as you did, they have nothing to complain about.

My situation is a little different because we've had shared custody since JT was 5 months, and he's now 2. He calls me mommy and listens to me as he listens to my SO, his father. We try and agree on how to handle situations, which aren't too bad at this point (he's a really good kid) and we recognize that my SO is the softy while I am a little stricter on things. We try to work around that and use it to our advantage.