Earth Walker
May 6th, 2001, 11:41 AM
You don't have to use the shaming technique.
Many of today's parents grew up with shaming statements
from their own parents and the words still resonate.
And they're anxious not to repeat the experience with their
own children.
Harshly critical reprimands spark internal dialogues about
being "bad" or "worthless" that echo through life, causing
long term limitations to fulfilment, says Sidney parent
educator and counsellor Mary Wilke, who was one of more
than 20 experts presenting workshops at the 24th annual
Making Tomorrow conference in Victoria this weekend.
Wilke's workshop bore a title that goes painfully to the heart
of most modern moms: The Language of Parenting: What to
Say When You Don't Want to Sound Like Your Mother.
"Most of what our mothers said to us was very helpful because
we all grew up to be functional people," Wilke stresses. "But
where we don't want to sound like our mother -- and it's kind of
unfair to mothers -- is that internalized voice of the harshest
things."
"Many of the ways I (me too) was brought up were great but in the ways that they weren't, I wanted to change," she says.
"I was left with this terrible dilemma of knowing I didn't want to
say some of the tougher things that had been said to me but not
knowing what to say instead."
And sometimes she was just speechless.
"You love your mom. But my mom, even though she was a
professional woman, wasn't very skilled as a parent because
she came out of a paradigm of control and hierarchy and male
privilege and dominance."
And her mother, in turn, had been raised by the no-nonsense
Edwardian-era ethos of children being seen but definitely not
heard. (Deja Vu)
(On the other hand, parenting is so hard that conference co-
chair Susan Watt notes: "Once I got pregnant and started having
kids, I'm constantly phoning my mother and apologizing.")
Wilke strives to handle power differences with her kids by
playing neither the all-powerful authoritarian role nor the
"marshmallow" who declines to set limits or teach rules to little
free spirits.
"Most of those children are pretty awful to be around," she says.
The desired balance lies in the authoritative approach with problem solving and parents setting the guidelines, she says.
"The thing that modern parents need to know is that they will
slip. The things that make me cringe at night are times when I
have sounded exactly like the worst of my parents. Now I have
some skills that my mother and father didn't. I will go back to my
children and apologize and take responsibility for where I've
slipped because I don't have to be this Victorian authority."
Kids are always going to bocker and make demands and parents
are going to be at the end of their ropes. But what Wilke objects
to are all the "shouldn'ts" parents sometimes use: "You
shouldn't fight, you shouldn't want ice-cream."
"They're shaming because they go right to the core of the person. Little kids do want ice cream, they do want to stay up
late, they do want all the toys."
Parents can empathize with a child who has disappointed them
or carelessly ruined something in ways that do not damage the
child's sense of themselves or cause needless guilt about
self-worth.
Bear in mind whether your child has a dominant auditory, visual
or kinesthetic (body-oriented, feeling) point of view, she
recommends.
"You need to be really careful about what you say to the
auditory kid because it goes in like a recorder at 400 times the
strength it goes into a visual person, who, if there's a bad scene,
will have the scene in her/his mind forever."
Each kind of child remembers reprimands for the spilled milk
differently.
A kinesthetic kid needs to act, cleaning up the mess they made.
An auditory kid needs the reminder to hold the carton more
firmly next time before helping to clean it up.
And the visual child can handle the obvious statement that it
looks like a mess since it's all over the floor.
"I'm going to have more conflict with a kid who's different than
I am, because you literally don't hear and see the world the
same way," she admits.
Take little boys tussling for a toy truck.
Parents can solve by criticizing the children with lots of "you
shouldn'ts" or "namby-pamby diversion" -- such as "go watch TV."
"The assertive approach is really what you're aiming for, which
is where you speak in a way that is respectful to you and
respectful for the kid but addresses the problem: 'I don't like to
see you fighting over trucks. I don't like to see kids getting hurt.
I will hold the truck until we figure out what to do.'
Those are all 'I' statements and the shaming statements tend
to be 'you' statements -- you can never do it right: you're such
a slob."
For children fighting over a toy truck, let them help with the
solution, perhaps by suggesting they build two Lego walls so one
can be knocked down by a truck but the other can stand
unmolested.
"Little children need coaching and support to develop those skills;
they don't just come out of thin air," says Wilke. "And we expect
them to be able to take somebody else's point of view long
before they're developmentally ready to.
So a parent's job is to insist that both parties are respected."
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night.
---Bruce Springsteen - "Thunder Road"
Many of today's parents grew up with shaming statements
from their own parents and the words still resonate.
And they're anxious not to repeat the experience with their
own children.
Harshly critical reprimands spark internal dialogues about
being "bad" or "worthless" that echo through life, causing
long term limitations to fulfilment, says Sidney parent
educator and counsellor Mary Wilke, who was one of more
than 20 experts presenting workshops at the 24th annual
Making Tomorrow conference in Victoria this weekend.
Wilke's workshop bore a title that goes painfully to the heart
of most modern moms: The Language of Parenting: What to
Say When You Don't Want to Sound Like Your Mother.
"Most of what our mothers said to us was very helpful because
we all grew up to be functional people," Wilke stresses. "But
where we don't want to sound like our mother -- and it's kind of
unfair to mothers -- is that internalized voice of the harshest
things."
"Many of the ways I (me too) was brought up were great but in the ways that they weren't, I wanted to change," she says.
"I was left with this terrible dilemma of knowing I didn't want to
say some of the tougher things that had been said to me but not
knowing what to say instead."
And sometimes she was just speechless.
"You love your mom. But my mom, even though she was a
professional woman, wasn't very skilled as a parent because
she came out of a paradigm of control and hierarchy and male
privilege and dominance."
And her mother, in turn, had been raised by the no-nonsense
Edwardian-era ethos of children being seen but definitely not
heard. (Deja Vu)
(On the other hand, parenting is so hard that conference co-
chair Susan Watt notes: "Once I got pregnant and started having
kids, I'm constantly phoning my mother and apologizing.")
Wilke strives to handle power differences with her kids by
playing neither the all-powerful authoritarian role nor the
"marshmallow" who declines to set limits or teach rules to little
free spirits.
"Most of those children are pretty awful to be around," she says.
The desired balance lies in the authoritative approach with problem solving and parents setting the guidelines, she says.
"The thing that modern parents need to know is that they will
slip. The things that make me cringe at night are times when I
have sounded exactly like the worst of my parents. Now I have
some skills that my mother and father didn't. I will go back to my
children and apologize and take responsibility for where I've
slipped because I don't have to be this Victorian authority."
Kids are always going to bocker and make demands and parents
are going to be at the end of their ropes. But what Wilke objects
to are all the "shouldn'ts" parents sometimes use: "You
shouldn't fight, you shouldn't want ice-cream."
"They're shaming because they go right to the core of the person. Little kids do want ice cream, they do want to stay up
late, they do want all the toys."
Parents can empathize with a child who has disappointed them
or carelessly ruined something in ways that do not damage the
child's sense of themselves or cause needless guilt about
self-worth.
Bear in mind whether your child has a dominant auditory, visual
or kinesthetic (body-oriented, feeling) point of view, she
recommends.
"You need to be really careful about what you say to the
auditory kid because it goes in like a recorder at 400 times the
strength it goes into a visual person, who, if there's a bad scene,
will have the scene in her/his mind forever."
Each kind of child remembers reprimands for the spilled milk
differently.
A kinesthetic kid needs to act, cleaning up the mess they made.
An auditory kid needs the reminder to hold the carton more
firmly next time before helping to clean it up.
And the visual child can handle the obvious statement that it
looks like a mess since it's all over the floor.
"I'm going to have more conflict with a kid who's different than
I am, because you literally don't hear and see the world the
same way," she admits.
Take little boys tussling for a toy truck.
Parents can solve by criticizing the children with lots of "you
shouldn'ts" or "namby-pamby diversion" -- such as "go watch TV."
"The assertive approach is really what you're aiming for, which
is where you speak in a way that is respectful to you and
respectful for the kid but addresses the problem: 'I don't like to
see you fighting over trucks. I don't like to see kids getting hurt.
I will hold the truck until we figure out what to do.'
Those are all 'I' statements and the shaming statements tend
to be 'you' statements -- you can never do it right: you're such
a slob."
For children fighting over a toy truck, let them help with the
solution, perhaps by suggesting they build two Lego walls so one
can be knocked down by a truck but the other can stand
unmolested.
"Little children need coaching and support to develop those skills;
they don't just come out of thin air," says Wilke. "And we expect
them to be able to take somebody else's point of view long
before they're developmentally ready to.
So a parent's job is to insist that both parties are respected."
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night.
---Bruce Springsteen - "Thunder Road"