Spiritualy Lost :(

[PhayDrix]

Hello, my name is PhayDrix, aka. Erin.

I have lost myself with in a whirlpool of chaos and confusion that I can not ignore and I can not find my way out of.

Several years ago I lived in BC, in the West Kootenay area, and had the pure joy and pleasure of belonging to a group of very gifted Wiccians, Pagans, Druids, Riki Masters and a few others... We were a mixed bunch that came together because we all knew in our hearts that we were of the same realm. Sometimes it caused conflicts but for the most part we all got along very well, and enjoyed being together in our circle of friendship, love, and like mindedness.

Since then, I have left that realm of spiritual balance and lost my guideance and mentors, I left because spells don't pay the bills, I've actulay had the misfortune of a money spell gone wrong... lost my job right after the spell working was done... and now find myself struggling to keep my books balanced in every day life.

I tryed to keep myself in a solutude state of being... meditating... communing with my inner spirits... seeking out spiritual guides and trying to stay grounded in my every day life. If anything I have all but lost my ablitity to even close my eyes and find peace within myself and reach the Alpha point I once considered my Utopia of Self Discovery. Now I find I see darkness... and I can honestly say I get terrified... deamons and monsters sometimes flash in the darkness and I startle into a cold sweat and can't settle my mind enough to even get a good night sleep after.

I feel disconnected from my element, I no longer feel the want or need to go out to my garden and tend to my plants and feel the earth under my fingers... I even find that sometimes the laughter of my own child is unwanted and shy away from the childish joys she trys to share with me... I dont see the magic in everyday thing... I feel as though part of me has died.

Sometimes I just sit and stair into the wall... hopeing that something will just come and smack me back to the happy wonderful joy filled person I use to be. I pray that I can regain the inner life I once had.. befor I totaly with draw from life and become a walking zombie who cant see the magic in everyday things.

Can anyone... inspire me... help me reawaken that which I have lost??

I pray someone or something can... because I am so lost in the darkness and bleekness... that I can not find my way back.

I want to feel that soft touch of nature again.. to find joy in laughter.. to look at the world and see its everyday magic again.

Blessed be,
PhayDrix. Erin.

[Shaman7]

Please allow me to abstract for a moment...

Yes, life can seem pretty bleak when staring at a wall... especially when a door may lead to new possibilities. If you worry too much about one room that is not perfectly organized, you may not see the opportunities that lie beyond the doorway.

It sucks to lose a job, for sure, but you will find a new one that provides new experiences and potentials. Magick doesn't solve all problems, or protect you from all the difficulties that life brings. Backfired spells don't make people lose jobs. People make people lose jobs. I'm not blaming you, or your boss, or any particular person, just a matter of human circumstance. Good times come and go, as well as bad times... it is all a matter of personal growth and perseverance. To dwell on a bunk spell is to sidestep the reality of the situation.

"Demons" bring about fear and contemplation; two things necessary to drive you to change your situation. Being fed up brings you nothing new, only more agony. Find something, anything that makes you happy, and work with it. You need to appreciate new things, not lament the loss of the old pleasures. Eventually, the old simple things will bring pleasure, but this is something that comes only with time. Nothing will snap the pleasure into your life, if you don't find something pleasant. Love your child, admire her growth and progress, and appreciate the simple moments that you share.

Life is far from glamorous and happy all the time, but there are always a few moments to be grateful for...

Sorry, that is all I have for you. I hope that you find it worth contemplation, anyway.

[thought_on_a_wind]

First :welcome:

I post this anymore before I give advice just so people know

Disclaimer: I've been a practicing solitary eclectic pagan for 9+ years. As such I cannot ensure that the information I give will work for you. These are just things that've worked for me. What might seem right to me, might sing wrong to someone more learned than myself. End Disclaimer

When I initially read the first couple lines in your post, the Death card flashed through my head. (the rebirth\new stage in ones life specifically)

There are a couple other impressions I felt shortly thereafter that seem relevant to your circumstance. Here are my thoughts/advice in no particular order. I admit I don't know how useful the info will be. (this works off the what works for me won't neccessarily work for you principle of which I'm prone to since I've primarily been a solitary)

1. It seems to me one problem you're facing is the disconnection inherent with auric withdrawal. Since you've been in a circle, chances are your aura more or less attuned with those of others in your group. When this goes on for a long time you start drawing energy from them, therefor your energy system adjusts its resources. This bond (or link) can intensify the effects of any energy work your group does. Once your link has strengthened so much, your mind associates the added energies as a natural state of things. Thus, group energies can become confused as personal energies. Once you move away, or depart that group (or otherwise cut associations) the links weaken as the other people start to naturally draw their energies from whence they came. This can have a dizzying and confusing effect upon your own energies; mostly because your body no longer has access to those resources it once took for granted.

Also, another side-effect is the lack of protective forces associated with the circle. Add in the extra stress of losing your job and being hard-pressed to make ends meet (which also could've spawned a nasty bout of depression) and you could most certainly feel dazed and confused... feeling empty... like a shell of your former self. (I went through similar straits as I moved away from my own circle [not pagan circle, but one of altrernative thinkers and musicians] I'm still feeling the effects to a lesser degree).

2. I also felt that depression and confusion are prevalent at the moment because you are dealing with the darker aspects of your own being. It's a can of worms to deal with if you've never run it through your mind, and depending on who you are, what experiences you've had, and what views you hold central to your existence, too could stifle inner growth. The key is to accept that darker persona. Learn from it and strive to balance it on the scales as counter to your old bubbly self (being happy 24/7 in and of itself can lead to a state of extreme unbalance given time) If you don't, it will own you. Due to the depth of this particular topic I'll describe further in PM provided this info seems to have a semblance of usefulness. (in other words, shoot me a line using the private message button on my post should you feel the need for further explanation)

3. There is a certain balance within the self that we all must maintain, and sometimes that balance must be maintained by in-depth analysis as to the inner workings of each side. Become introspective for a bit. Instead of trying to logically figure things out, listen. Introspection is just as important as its antonym.

4. As far as your job spell, maybe it didn't actually misfire at all, but instead opened a new door or path that will ultimately lead to better opportunities... not all spells have instantaneous effects, and of all the forces that be, magick seems to work however it sees fit (that is once you've released your will to the universe).

5. Now that you're more or less "on your own" (you're not alone since you joined this website :D) it's time to build your spiritual self from the ground up, so the next time you find yourself in a circle:

1. you'll be able to establish a unique energy independant of the main energy and/or thought pool.
2. Bring your own experiences to the table.
3. Become intrinsically aware of subtle energies otherwise overlooked.
4. Other 'tings I have no problem thinking, but cannot easily translate to the written language. (which will probably lead to a future edit)

6. Here's a line of my own philosophy, use it if you like "If up is down, and down is up, isn't there still place to rest the feet upon?". In other words, regardless the vast bombardment of confusion that's immenent, when you seemingly don't know anything you should still strive to center yourself in whatever way you're accustomed to, because though there are fluctuations of terra and stratus, you should always keep in mind that there will always be a middle. When you're confused that's the safest and sanest place to be.

7. If none of your previous methods of energy use are working. Learn new ones, try something different. Inspiration is fleeting once things become too comfortable... too redundant. If you can't seem to get anything to work for you, don't shy away from the notion of creating your own beliefs/methods/magick.

We all are various collections of different persona's/archetypes. It is an illusion we've manufactured and custom fit that makes us believe we are just one person from birth to death. What you think now could easily be replaced by some other view point even 5 minutes from now, depending on what stimulus you observe, how your sub-conscious and conscious mind accept it, and to what degree of impact it has on your emotions/intellect. On the same line of thinking we are variously influenced subtly by others in our life. When someone feels familiar to you, it's not the knowing them that counts most times, it's the amount of yourself you identify with said person. When this gets left un-checked it can lead to a seeming void since those traits within are associated solely as those people or things without.

Learn yourself intimately. Mastering the self, or at the very least discerning yourself from other people will lead you back to that peace you so crave. This isn't an instant process, nor will you complete it 6 months from now. It's an ongoing process that escorts us through each and every life we've lived or will live.

Learn to draw from your own strength first (esp. now while you are your own teacher), then learn to draw from others. Finally, combine the two. This seems a repetition of what I've written above, only because it is in different words. There will be many times where you'll have to learn to subside of your own accord. Invoking the inner strength will help you naturally attune to the protective forces within. In the mean time, to protect yourself and your kid, your best bet is to learn some good visualizations (short, painless, practicle, and the added benefit of no set-up). Once again, this subject has the potential of being HUGE, so if this makes sense to you feel free to give me a buzz.

I know it might seem tough, but you most certainly aren't alone in this. There are many that have, and a good number of people on this forum have had similar problems. Just remember, your kid is a good way to help you out. In fact, some would say learning from your child is just as important as when your child learns from you ;).

I wish you the best, and send you supportive energies if you need them.

Blessed be,
Thought