Raxeph
June 6th, 2008, 11:17 AM
I normally try to take care of myself as best I can, but... I'm too weak this time, I'm sorry... :sniffsnif
I feel so ashamed, but... well, I'll be honest. The reason I finally had a nervous breakdown was because... because... a girl flirted with me in high school when I was all alone in my last year for no reason at all and I thought she really liked me. But I asked her out, and she already had a boyfriend. That was the thing in my tarot/angel cards that I predicted, that was the mistake I made. That was what finished me off, along with the endless bullying, pets dying, feeling so alone, and... I'll link the other old topic here for those who don't know already:
http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=179644 (http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=179644)
I saw her again lately. She didn't seem to have anyone, and I guess I thought I had another chance, you know? Because... no-one else was around that ever liked me. And she was acting kinda like she might still have liked me. She never spoke as if she had anyone. But she still has someone. That makes my hopes on that fall down again. :foopsies:
One of my online friends told me how I keep blaming myself for the bad things other people to do me. And she's right. I keep doing that over and over. I wish I didn't. I've made so many excuses for everyone's behaviour for too long. The people who've used me like a toy, and/or thrown me away... I just wanted to be me. I'm sick of feeling this guilt. :ack:
I'm crying... so... much... now. I may be a much different and stronger person than before, but I still feel like saying sorry, and I don't know who to say sorry to. I just... w-w-wanted someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything's alright, but there's none of that, just... hold me... :wah::wah::wah:
I feel so ashamed, but... well, I'll be honest. The reason I finally had a nervous breakdown was because... because... a girl flirted with me in high school when I was all alone in my last year for no reason at all and I thought she really liked me. But I asked her out, and she already had a boyfriend. That was the thing in my tarot/angel cards that I predicted, that was the mistake I made. That was what finished me off, along with the endless bullying, pets dying, feeling so alone, and... I'll link the other old topic here for those who don't know already:
http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=179644 (http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=179644)
I saw her again lately. She didn't seem to have anyone, and I guess I thought I had another chance, you know? Because... no-one else was around that ever liked me. And she was acting kinda like she might still have liked me. She never spoke as if she had anyone. But she still has someone. That makes my hopes on that fall down again. :foopsies:
One of my online friends told me how I keep blaming myself for the bad things other people to do me. And she's right. I keep doing that over and over. I wish I didn't. I've made so many excuses for everyone's behaviour for too long. The people who've used me like a toy, and/or thrown me away... I just wanted to be me. I'm sick of feeling this guilt. :ack:
I'm crying... so... much... now. I may be a much different and stronger person than before, but I still feel like saying sorry, and I don't know who to say sorry to. I just... w-w-wanted someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything's alright, but there's none of that, just... hold me... :wah::wah::wah: