thought_on_a_wind
June 28th, 2008, 06:15 AM
I usually try my best to take care of matters of my own accord... but this is one of those iffy complicated owies. If this is a long post, sorry, but it's kind of complicated I suppose. Thank you in advance if you can bear with me.
My Dad and I've had a shaky past. He lead to a lot of psychological trauma for me and the rest of my family. He used to beat my mom and myself, almost killed my brother twice (both times, no matter what I tried I was a powerless little kid). He more or less shrugged me off as a failure. Going so far as to repeat that I was an idiot who was not good enough to be called a [insert my last name here]. Mostly that would occur randomly and would have many different triggers. I didn't do homework to his specs, I didn't erase the way he wanted me to, I sprayed a bit of insecticide to kill a miller.
At any rate, we came to find out that he was a diabetic, as well as being bi-polar. We were just too poor to afford his Bi-Polar meds, and even when we went on welfare he was stubborn about taking them.
Due to certain happenings, we (being my mom, myself, bro and sis) had to move all of a sudden. My Dad stayed behind because of land interests (not to mention that my Grandma, who we moved in with, couldn't stand him, or he to her).
Anyway, years went by, things happened... I went on to join the Air Force. He was the only one to show up at my graduation ceremony, which started the healing process between us to a certain degree.
In 2006 I find out that on top of type-2 diabetes & bi-polar disorder he's also got Parkinson's disease. Since my bro had sold my car my first year of enlistment, I never got the chance to drop by to say Hi to my Dad when I went on leave... so, for the first time in 7 years I finally got around to seeing my Dad January of this year.
It's bad. He's to the point that he can't hold a coffee cup without it spilling all over. On top of that, he's living in his own personal hell. Reliving all those things he did to us... Over the years, I've dealt with these past transgressions, and have come to peace with him for the most part (aside from my spiritual beliefs of course). Now he calls up randomly, asks the same questions several times in a row, or over the span of several phone calls. Hangs up, and that's it.
Last night, after recieving his umpteenth repetitive call I ask him "Dad, have you checked your sugar level? Your 65 now, it's one of the most important things you need to do."
He responds weakly "I checked it a while ago." While being pointedly vague. I responded "Please, do me a favor, check your blood sugar. This could be one reason you've been suffering delusions (he mentioned realizing that he might be a little delusional in a previous conversation), if it's low please take your meds."
Dad "Well son, I think I'll do that I give you my promise."
Me "Also, if you haven't taken your Parkinson's meds, I want you to take them too, either or both of these could be interfering with your thought processes."
Dad "Well son, you know my method of approach. I address the most important problems first." This line in particular, in retrospect, seems a veiled no response.
Anyway, I re-emphasize what I said to him to begin with... and then... click...
5 minutes later my mom gets a call from him... Once again, asking the same questions over again.
On top of this, he's living with his sis. She's got colon cancer... she's also turned bitter past the point she was previously. (I can't say I could ever fully talk to her in the past due to the insipid double-speak I sensed.) Neither of them are good for the other because they both get into many different fights that go on forever, and can result in multiple phone calls where I'm at (200 miles away). Obviously, this can be very draining for me and my mom. It really does nothing for my current attempt at not smoking... I'm genuinely scared for his health, but don't know what to do about it.
On top of this, there are people that semi-legally cheated him out of land/take advantage of his Parkinson's disease, the land tax is going to be in the thousands, I don't have a job to pay 'em, he can't work at the grocery store he used to due to his physical problems thus, no money... and he's too damned stubborn to go on SSI. All he has to rely on for his meds is his VA benefits...
So, now we go onto me... I really don't know what kind of energy or what not... I suppose for clarity or patience or something of the nature.
So, since I was pretty much the bastard child... the shouldn't have been... he more or less adopted a sub-conscious don't look after that kid mechanism... My sister on the other hand... She's called him for drug money (lying of course) he obliges... She goes out and buys a car that turns out to just have a weed eater battery... He sells some land to buy her a new car without question. Whenever I bring it up, my oh so caring "aunt" (who listens in and monitors my dad's phone calls when he talks to his children) that I reallly need a vehicle so as to get ready for college (and of course get a job elsewhere) she busts in and starts yelling about how we only want him for his land... it's our inheritence... quit squandering it... so forth and so on... It becomes a huge mess, thus the above about perpetual phone call fights... Which really depresses the shit out of me.
Few days later, he calls me requesting prayer and as much money as we could donate to my sister because she call him whining about how she overdrafted her account and would get kicked out on the streets. (read: excessive partying to the point of gross overdraft each week... which is why I went broke and left her to her misery... supporting her and getting alcohilic deadbeat brother scapegoat status)
Ever since we were little... he coddled her, I'm not just saying this out of jealousy, I'm pointing out fact... He'll always say, "She's my only daughter, she needs all the help I can give her."
When he called for donations (that neither I nor my Mom could provide [my sis currently has two huge debts she's defaulted on that are seeking my mom as the co-signer which is $10k or more])
I let him know what was up with my sis... that she'd lie about him abusing her grossly inproportionate to the facts, how he was an alcoholic... just be really nasty in general when talking to others about him... till she needed money.... Anyway his response. "Well, even though she's lying about me you can't tell me not to love my daughter."
He got pissed off & hung up... Now, when he's suffering, even though I know he's in a state of delusion, I still can't quit from quivering on the inside when he asks my mom if he could speak to me... just to ask my sister's number again, if I've heard from her, when was the last time she called... please say amen to my prayer for her.
And... I'm going to be handed his affairs in the future... I don't have a job, am about to go to college, have $4k in debt... and no vehicle... Yet, somehow, magically, I'm supposed to have the innate prestidigitation available to me to do all this while somehow pulling money I don't have out of my ass to cover lawyer fees for the deadbeat "friends" living for free on my Dad's land and the $600.00 to my cousin (he's never paid the rest of it off)... because "I'm the oldest... the wise one of the family..."
I just don't know... on top of all this... my Mom is going through a bunch of physical stuff too, not the least supporting a 25 year old deadbeat son (my words, not hers) who's sucking what little money she has.
I don't know what to do... I guess all I'm asking for is some kind of helping energy or something and some healing goodness directed towards me so I can relay it in the right way towards my dad (the whole energy ethics thing)...
Sorry to waste your time if you actually got this far down the post.
My Dad and I've had a shaky past. He lead to a lot of psychological trauma for me and the rest of my family. He used to beat my mom and myself, almost killed my brother twice (both times, no matter what I tried I was a powerless little kid). He more or less shrugged me off as a failure. Going so far as to repeat that I was an idiot who was not good enough to be called a [insert my last name here]. Mostly that would occur randomly and would have many different triggers. I didn't do homework to his specs, I didn't erase the way he wanted me to, I sprayed a bit of insecticide to kill a miller.
At any rate, we came to find out that he was a diabetic, as well as being bi-polar. We were just too poor to afford his Bi-Polar meds, and even when we went on welfare he was stubborn about taking them.
Due to certain happenings, we (being my mom, myself, bro and sis) had to move all of a sudden. My Dad stayed behind because of land interests (not to mention that my Grandma, who we moved in with, couldn't stand him, or he to her).
Anyway, years went by, things happened... I went on to join the Air Force. He was the only one to show up at my graduation ceremony, which started the healing process between us to a certain degree.
In 2006 I find out that on top of type-2 diabetes & bi-polar disorder he's also got Parkinson's disease. Since my bro had sold my car my first year of enlistment, I never got the chance to drop by to say Hi to my Dad when I went on leave... so, for the first time in 7 years I finally got around to seeing my Dad January of this year.
It's bad. He's to the point that he can't hold a coffee cup without it spilling all over. On top of that, he's living in his own personal hell. Reliving all those things he did to us... Over the years, I've dealt with these past transgressions, and have come to peace with him for the most part (aside from my spiritual beliefs of course). Now he calls up randomly, asks the same questions several times in a row, or over the span of several phone calls. Hangs up, and that's it.
Last night, after recieving his umpteenth repetitive call I ask him "Dad, have you checked your sugar level? Your 65 now, it's one of the most important things you need to do."
He responds weakly "I checked it a while ago." While being pointedly vague. I responded "Please, do me a favor, check your blood sugar. This could be one reason you've been suffering delusions (he mentioned realizing that he might be a little delusional in a previous conversation), if it's low please take your meds."
Dad "Well son, I think I'll do that I give you my promise."
Me "Also, if you haven't taken your Parkinson's meds, I want you to take them too, either or both of these could be interfering with your thought processes."
Dad "Well son, you know my method of approach. I address the most important problems first." This line in particular, in retrospect, seems a veiled no response.
Anyway, I re-emphasize what I said to him to begin with... and then... click...
5 minutes later my mom gets a call from him... Once again, asking the same questions over again.
On top of this, he's living with his sis. She's got colon cancer... she's also turned bitter past the point she was previously. (I can't say I could ever fully talk to her in the past due to the insipid double-speak I sensed.) Neither of them are good for the other because they both get into many different fights that go on forever, and can result in multiple phone calls where I'm at (200 miles away). Obviously, this can be very draining for me and my mom. It really does nothing for my current attempt at not smoking... I'm genuinely scared for his health, but don't know what to do about it.
On top of this, there are people that semi-legally cheated him out of land/take advantage of his Parkinson's disease, the land tax is going to be in the thousands, I don't have a job to pay 'em, he can't work at the grocery store he used to due to his physical problems thus, no money... and he's too damned stubborn to go on SSI. All he has to rely on for his meds is his VA benefits...
So, now we go onto me... I really don't know what kind of energy or what not... I suppose for clarity or patience or something of the nature.
So, since I was pretty much the bastard child... the shouldn't have been... he more or less adopted a sub-conscious don't look after that kid mechanism... My sister on the other hand... She's called him for drug money (lying of course) he obliges... She goes out and buys a car that turns out to just have a weed eater battery... He sells some land to buy her a new car without question. Whenever I bring it up, my oh so caring "aunt" (who listens in and monitors my dad's phone calls when he talks to his children) that I reallly need a vehicle so as to get ready for college (and of course get a job elsewhere) she busts in and starts yelling about how we only want him for his land... it's our inheritence... quit squandering it... so forth and so on... It becomes a huge mess, thus the above about perpetual phone call fights... Which really depresses the shit out of me.
Few days later, he calls me requesting prayer and as much money as we could donate to my sister because she call him whining about how she overdrafted her account and would get kicked out on the streets. (read: excessive partying to the point of gross overdraft each week... which is why I went broke and left her to her misery... supporting her and getting alcohilic deadbeat brother scapegoat status)
Ever since we were little... he coddled her, I'm not just saying this out of jealousy, I'm pointing out fact... He'll always say, "She's my only daughter, she needs all the help I can give her."
When he called for donations (that neither I nor my Mom could provide [my sis currently has two huge debts she's defaulted on that are seeking my mom as the co-signer which is $10k or more])
I let him know what was up with my sis... that she'd lie about him abusing her grossly inproportionate to the facts, how he was an alcoholic... just be really nasty in general when talking to others about him... till she needed money.... Anyway his response. "Well, even though she's lying about me you can't tell me not to love my daughter."
He got pissed off & hung up... Now, when he's suffering, even though I know he's in a state of delusion, I still can't quit from quivering on the inside when he asks my mom if he could speak to me... just to ask my sister's number again, if I've heard from her, when was the last time she called... please say amen to my prayer for her.
And... I'm going to be handed his affairs in the future... I don't have a job, am about to go to college, have $4k in debt... and no vehicle... Yet, somehow, magically, I'm supposed to have the innate prestidigitation available to me to do all this while somehow pulling money I don't have out of my ass to cover lawyer fees for the deadbeat "friends" living for free on my Dad's land and the $600.00 to my cousin (he's never paid the rest of it off)... because "I'm the oldest... the wise one of the family..."
I just don't know... on top of all this... my Mom is going through a bunch of physical stuff too, not the least supporting a 25 year old deadbeat son (my words, not hers) who's sucking what little money she has.
I don't know what to do... I guess all I'm asking for is some kind of helping energy or something and some healing goodness directed towards me so I can relay it in the right way towards my dad (the whole energy ethics thing)...
Sorry to waste your time if you actually got this far down the post.