Denikke
June 29th, 2008, 09:26 AM
Alright..basic story. I'm dating this wonderful guy, been with him for 4 months so far (longest relationship yet....had bad luck with guys in the past) and things between the two of us are wonderful.
The problem is this. Shortly after starting to date this guy (let's call him Grant), I met one of his friends (let's call him Mick). Mick is a very interesting guy. He's supremely intelligent, but he has a lot of emotional and psychological issues. He had a traumatic childhood and has been in the hospital at least twice (not for suicide attempts). Most of the time, I enjoy spending time with Mick. He's a very interesting guy, and we quickly became friends.
Mick has had some financial problems for the past little while, he's been out of a job and his room mates kicked him out of their apartment. I hate to see any of my friends in a bind like that, so after talking it over with my grandparents, we offered him a place to stay for a while. Things were all great at first. He helped out with yard work and whatnot, and he and I had a number of intense and facinating conversations.
Now though, his luck has started to look up, and he has a job (just got his first paycheck), but he's become a complete ass (IMO)!!!
Currently, the battle is over my boyfriend/his friend, Grant. Mick's been out of work for almost 4 months (since about the middle of January) , and in that time, came over to see Grant maybe 2 or 3 times before I started dating Grant. Since I started dating Grant (Feb. 24), I've been over here every weekend. From Friday night to Sunday afternoon. Now, I've NEVER said or implied in any way shape or form that Mick isn't welcome here. In fact, since meeting him (middle of March), he's been here every weekend too. All weekend....just like me. Whether he's invited to stay the extra night or not (he actually has a reason to be there on Friday nights, Grant works till 11 so Mick keeps me company till Grant gets off his shift...then Mick just stays the night).
Now, I have NO problem with this set up.....it's reasonable. During the time all 3 of us are here, the guys usually go play video games while I either read or find something to do. That has never been an issue. What HAS become an issue are the following points:
1) Mick has, on a number of occassions NOT been invited to participate in Saturday or Sundays plans. He has been told at LEAST twice that Saturday night is Grant and mine date night. And yet he still sticks around (or gets upset when he's asked to leave).
2)He also gets VERY upset when there are no real definite plans. Grant and I don't like to plan things out 3 or 4 days in advance. We like to see what we feel like doing that day, and then figure out where we're going to go and what we're going to do. This has been explained to Mick. And yet he still gets extremely upset when Grant and I start discussing what we're going to do that day, in the morning. He expects plans to already be made days in advance when a) he hasn't actually been invited...just assumes he's going to and b) he won't make any contributions to the plan making.
3) He has recently (in the past week or so) complained that he doesn't get any one on one time with Grant. Remember, this is the same guy who was doing nothing for about 4 months, but only really came over to visit Grant AFTER *I* started to include him. I have talked to Mick about this, and told him how it looks to me. It seems like Grant is a toy that no one plays with for ever, but as soon as one kid wants to play with it, so does the other one. Like Grants not good enough to hang out with unless someone else wants his time. (I actually used the kids fighting over toy analogy). Mick came back with something along the lines of: the little kid who's ALWAYS on the computer. When the older brother gets up, little kid's on the computer, big bro gets home from school, little kid's on the computer, big bro goes to bed, little kid's still on the computer. And on the rare occassion the big bro DOES get the computer, little bro's standing over his shoulder poking him asking if it's HIS turn again yet.
For those who didn't catch it...apparently *I'M* the little brother.
Granted, I do spend a lot of time with Grant. I went to school with him, so I spent all day with him there, and then I stay over on weekends. Now that school's done, I get to spend weekends with him. But what I've been trying (unsuccessfully I think) to get across to Mick is that Grant and I virtually NEVER get any one on one time. We are ALWAYS around other ppl. During the week, we've been at school, and during the weekends, Mick's always there.
4) Mick has started blaming me for things that are really not my fault. Case in point; Thursday. He gets called in to work every morning because it's weather dependent. He's at work at about 7am (from 7am to 3pm). Thursday, I wake up at almost noon. I ASKED him if he needed me to stay off the internet (we have dial up) in case work called. He said NO, because the weather was bad that day. I said ok, and went online. About 3:30, my internet cuts off because there's a phone call (sometimes it shuts off and sometimes it doesn't). I ask Nick if he wants to call into work to make sure it wasn't them, and he does. No more than 5 minutes later, he comes stomping back into the computer room, yelling at me about how he's in trouble because his boss had been trying to reach him since noon, and how's it's MY fault that he's in trouble. Ummm..hello??...I ASKED and you said it was fine, that you WOULDN'T get a call cause the weather was bad.
Anyways..things like that are becoming the norm....and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Basically...what I need some input is this
1) How can I possible make him see and respect that Grant and I need our alone time??
I attempted to come to a compromise with Nick, splitting up the weekend with Grant. But Mick was unhappy with this, and I am too. I don't feel like I should HAVE to give up my time with Grant. Mick says that I actually have to leave completely otherwise Grant will still feel the need to spend some time with me...
2) Mick needs to find another place to live. The original plan, before all this drama, was for Mick to move in with me and Grant in September. I no longer see this as a feasible or reasonable thing to do, but I'm not sure how to approach it.
3) Mick, as I mentioned, had issues. Not the least of which is a horrible temper. I would like to be able to approach this in such a way that is can stay calm, but his triggers are fairly random and can be set off at the littlest things.
4) Grant, understandably, does not want to really get involved. Mick is his best friend and I am his girlfriend. It's basically at the point where he's going to have to choose sides, and I know he doesn't want to, and I would never want to make him choose between his friends and me. That's just not right.
Basically I'm just really not sure where to go from here. The stress of everything (of which, about 65-76% is related to Mick), the stress is just killing me. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, and with my history, I mean that literally. Something needs to be done, I've talked to Grant, and neither of us can figure out a way to handle this diplomatically. So I've come to the brilliant people on MW. Hopefully you guys can come up with something. Well wishes and good thought for my mental health is also GREATLY appreciated.
Denikke
PS please refrain from advice such as telling Mick to just *bugger off*. I know that may look like a reasonable way to handle it when other avenues have been exhausted, but he is still my friend and I still want to make sure I do this as nicely as possible (especially considering his past. I have attempted sitting down and talking to him, to no avail, I'm just hoping that someone can come up with something. I'm at my wits end!!
The problem is this. Shortly after starting to date this guy (let's call him Grant), I met one of his friends (let's call him Mick). Mick is a very interesting guy. He's supremely intelligent, but he has a lot of emotional and psychological issues. He had a traumatic childhood and has been in the hospital at least twice (not for suicide attempts). Most of the time, I enjoy spending time with Mick. He's a very interesting guy, and we quickly became friends.
Mick has had some financial problems for the past little while, he's been out of a job and his room mates kicked him out of their apartment. I hate to see any of my friends in a bind like that, so after talking it over with my grandparents, we offered him a place to stay for a while. Things were all great at first. He helped out with yard work and whatnot, and he and I had a number of intense and facinating conversations.
Now though, his luck has started to look up, and he has a job (just got his first paycheck), but he's become a complete ass (IMO)!!!
Currently, the battle is over my boyfriend/his friend, Grant. Mick's been out of work for almost 4 months (since about the middle of January) , and in that time, came over to see Grant maybe 2 or 3 times before I started dating Grant. Since I started dating Grant (Feb. 24), I've been over here every weekend. From Friday night to Sunday afternoon. Now, I've NEVER said or implied in any way shape or form that Mick isn't welcome here. In fact, since meeting him (middle of March), he's been here every weekend too. All weekend....just like me. Whether he's invited to stay the extra night or not (he actually has a reason to be there on Friday nights, Grant works till 11 so Mick keeps me company till Grant gets off his shift...then Mick just stays the night).
Now, I have NO problem with this set up.....it's reasonable. During the time all 3 of us are here, the guys usually go play video games while I either read or find something to do. That has never been an issue. What HAS become an issue are the following points:
1) Mick has, on a number of occassions NOT been invited to participate in Saturday or Sundays plans. He has been told at LEAST twice that Saturday night is Grant and mine date night. And yet he still sticks around (or gets upset when he's asked to leave).
2)He also gets VERY upset when there are no real definite plans. Grant and I don't like to plan things out 3 or 4 days in advance. We like to see what we feel like doing that day, and then figure out where we're going to go and what we're going to do. This has been explained to Mick. And yet he still gets extremely upset when Grant and I start discussing what we're going to do that day, in the morning. He expects plans to already be made days in advance when a) he hasn't actually been invited...just assumes he's going to and b) he won't make any contributions to the plan making.
3) He has recently (in the past week or so) complained that he doesn't get any one on one time with Grant. Remember, this is the same guy who was doing nothing for about 4 months, but only really came over to visit Grant AFTER *I* started to include him. I have talked to Mick about this, and told him how it looks to me. It seems like Grant is a toy that no one plays with for ever, but as soon as one kid wants to play with it, so does the other one. Like Grants not good enough to hang out with unless someone else wants his time. (I actually used the kids fighting over toy analogy). Mick came back with something along the lines of: the little kid who's ALWAYS on the computer. When the older brother gets up, little kid's on the computer, big bro gets home from school, little kid's on the computer, big bro goes to bed, little kid's still on the computer. And on the rare occassion the big bro DOES get the computer, little bro's standing over his shoulder poking him asking if it's HIS turn again yet.
For those who didn't catch it...apparently *I'M* the little brother.
Granted, I do spend a lot of time with Grant. I went to school with him, so I spent all day with him there, and then I stay over on weekends. Now that school's done, I get to spend weekends with him. But what I've been trying (unsuccessfully I think) to get across to Mick is that Grant and I virtually NEVER get any one on one time. We are ALWAYS around other ppl. During the week, we've been at school, and during the weekends, Mick's always there.
4) Mick has started blaming me for things that are really not my fault. Case in point; Thursday. He gets called in to work every morning because it's weather dependent. He's at work at about 7am (from 7am to 3pm). Thursday, I wake up at almost noon. I ASKED him if he needed me to stay off the internet (we have dial up) in case work called. He said NO, because the weather was bad that day. I said ok, and went online. About 3:30, my internet cuts off because there's a phone call (sometimes it shuts off and sometimes it doesn't). I ask Nick if he wants to call into work to make sure it wasn't them, and he does. No more than 5 minutes later, he comes stomping back into the computer room, yelling at me about how he's in trouble because his boss had been trying to reach him since noon, and how's it's MY fault that he's in trouble. Ummm..hello??...I ASKED and you said it was fine, that you WOULDN'T get a call cause the weather was bad.
Anyways..things like that are becoming the norm....and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Basically...what I need some input is this
1) How can I possible make him see and respect that Grant and I need our alone time??
I attempted to come to a compromise with Nick, splitting up the weekend with Grant. But Mick was unhappy with this, and I am too. I don't feel like I should HAVE to give up my time with Grant. Mick says that I actually have to leave completely otherwise Grant will still feel the need to spend some time with me...
2) Mick needs to find another place to live. The original plan, before all this drama, was for Mick to move in with me and Grant in September. I no longer see this as a feasible or reasonable thing to do, but I'm not sure how to approach it.
3) Mick, as I mentioned, had issues. Not the least of which is a horrible temper. I would like to be able to approach this in such a way that is can stay calm, but his triggers are fairly random and can be set off at the littlest things.
4) Grant, understandably, does not want to really get involved. Mick is his best friend and I am his girlfriend. It's basically at the point where he's going to have to choose sides, and I know he doesn't want to, and I would never want to make him choose between his friends and me. That's just not right.
Basically I'm just really not sure where to go from here. The stress of everything (of which, about 65-76% is related to Mick), the stress is just killing me. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, and with my history, I mean that literally. Something needs to be done, I've talked to Grant, and neither of us can figure out a way to handle this diplomatically. So I've come to the brilliant people on MW. Hopefully you guys can come up with something. Well wishes and good thought for my mental health is also GREATLY appreciated.
Denikke
PS please refrain from advice such as telling Mick to just *bugger off*. I know that may look like a reasonable way to handle it when other avenues have been exhausted, but he is still my friend and I still want to make sure I do this as nicely as possible (especially considering his past. I have attempted sitting down and talking to him, to no avail, I'm just hoping that someone can come up with something. I'm at my wits end!!