The "I'm Having a Really Hard Time Today" Thread

[Faery-Wings]

I dunno, maybe I am the only one struggling. But this is so much harder than I thought it would be yesterday. Yesterday, I thought I would be sad, and be reflective on the past year. Today, it feels almost like last year. The same feelings, fears, sadness.

I was driving my kids to school this morning, and Howard Stern was on my radio. He is rebroadcasting, in real time, from last year. I am hearing the same show I heard, all the same callers, commentaries as last year. It is so weird to be hearing him talk about itand the reactions to it, before we knew what was really happening. I can't watch the tv- I watched for about two minutes this morning. I can't handle it. I can't handle remembering how it felt to get word on a few friends and family members who live/work in the city and near the Pentagon. I can't ehlp but feel that sinking feelng every time I see the planes hit, the Towers crumble.

I find myself cringing whenever a plane flies overhead. I am reading the news off the wire, just like I did last year. The day seems so much like last year- a little cloudier, but similar weather... The kids off to school....my husband is working on a job near where he was last year- in NJ, but a NYC suburb. Heh, it least it isn't Ft Lee or West NY like he was at on the 12th...

I have so much housework and stuff to do- yet I am wanting to hang out here, or watch the news or something. Myhead just doesn't seem "here." It seems stuck in last year. And it is weird- I thought I was better about this. I guess I am not.

I thought I would start this thread if anyone else is feeling the same. It might be a good place to let each other know we are here and understand.


hugs and kisses to all.

BB

Chris~ apparently not over it :(

[Old Witch]

I'm glued to the TVs just like last year.....And I lit every half used candle in the house, It just made ME feel better................

[Kaylara]

Sorry,
But the media has me feeling ill today... It was bad enough going through it once... I don't need to relive it. After all that has happened in the last year, I'd just like to work through it and move on... The media just keeps on with how horrible it was. YA THINK??? Hello??? I think that everyone realizes how bad it was without it being crammed down our throats every minute of every day!!! I think that I am feeling about the same as you are Chryssi...

oy.

Kaylara

[Mithrea]

Here the weather is exactly like last year. The day looks and feels the same--with one exception. Today there is the most gentle, yet still forceful breeze blowing through the trees on my hill. I too feel like crap even so. :(

The air and time are not static like they were a year ago today. I still can't breathe but the earth is breathing again and I'm trying to take comfort in that.

Since it isn't so hot today, I'm going to take my class outside and give them crayons and paper. I'm going to let them talk. It may seem childish but I get the feeling many of them have not expressed themselves yet even now, a year later. Monday I talked about what we would do today and some of them rolled their eyes at me. The ones who didn't, started crying. :(

We'll see how it goes. If it wasn't for them, I would stay in bed. . .

[MammaStar]

Me too. I thought I was fine. Really. I thought I got myself to that point, where I went on with my regular life. Pushed things out of my head. Went on LIVING as it were.

Then yesterday, my boss asked me to type a memom regarding the Company's "tribute" to all those we lost. And I could feel the knot tightening in my stomach. I started to feel TENSE. Very TENSE. Like a wire pulled too tight and the slightest touch would cause me to snap.

I've been quiet, withdrawn. I have watched the news. I keep telling myself to change the channel or turn it off. But really, what else am I gonna do. I'm here. I'm at work and I've stayed logged on since I got here today. Just like last year from the moment my co-worker came around the corner and said "A plane just hit the WTC"

I have these 'moments'. For example, last nite, me & my son went to dinner & then to the grocery store. The sun was setting and the moon had risen. I pointed up at it, cause it looked REALLY cool. It was between these two funky cloud formations...and my son looked up as I pointed and said "It looks like a cookie!" THAT made me smile. Those words spoken by my son, who's already seen & lived through so much in his short 10 years on this Earth, kicked my butt.

This morning was gray at first. Then I walked him to the bus stop. All his little friends, & himself had dressed themselves in red, white & blue, a request of the school. They waited at the stop, acting like they usually do, they're pretty quiet kids, only because they're not familiar with each other yet. I got him on the bus & began to walk to my house, when the sun broke the gray. Again, another reminder that life has gone on. That it is a new day and time to begin again.

I don't like dwelling on that day. I hadn't for so long either. But everything about that day has come flooding back. From the sound of my co-workers voice to later that nite when I sat outside with Eshallet & his brother talking & noting that my town, which is NEVER quiet at nite was hushed.

I know I'll get through this day. And as sappy as it may sound, I know with the help of my friends here at home and HERE AT MY OTHER HOME, I will get by.

To all of you. I love you. I'm glad you're here. Stay well my friends & family.

Blessed Be!

[Phoenix Blue]

**Soft smile** Tragedies almost always leave a wound in our psyches; and we inevitably remember where we were, or what we were doing, when they occurred.

Ask your parents where they were when they found out President Kennedy was assassinated. They will remember.

Where were you when the Shuttle Challenger exploded?

Where were you when you learned the Murray Federal Building, in Oklahoma City, had been destroyed?

Where were you, and what were you doing, when you learned that a plane had struck the first tower? When you learned, as the nation and the world learned as the second plane struck the south tower, that the United States was under a devastating and cruel attack?

I Remember. And I think that's what today is really all about. Remembering: the promise to ourselves and our posterity that we will always remember, that we will never again allow such a horrific event to take place anywhere on Earth.

[Old Witch]

I digress.........The Challenger........I didn't send the kids to school that day.......It got down to 9 degrees in Augusta, it was just too cold......We were watching the launch......... Bryant asked," Mama, what happened?"............You never forget..............

[WandererInGray]

:(

*hugs for anyone*

[stormyray]

wow I to thought I had it all under contol today. I then sat with my cup of coffee and click on the tv and lost it.

I did find that my childrens school is doing a mermoial tonight (not bad for a town who did nothing 1 year ago I think they finaly relized this is not just going to dissapear) . They have been making red white and blue hands to form a flag. and taking to the local park .

[Faery-Wings]

*hugs back everyone*

I wish we din't have to feel like this, but I am glad that I have company. I know, that sounds weird, but I hope you all know what I mean.

BB

[Danustouch]

Me too, for a million and one reasons. Sept 11th, is sending me into quite an emotional tailspin, over a million and one little things.

I wanted to argue with my friend today. He made me so angry. But I couldn't really, I did for about two minutes, then he had to go (he was at work), and then I sit and think about the fact that he's flying to Washington DC on Friday. What if something happens. What if I never see him again? There are Surface to Air missiles, surround DC. We're in a state of High Security Alert. What if? What if his plane, get's shot down, because a suspected terrorist is onboard? What if the terrorist crashes him into some building? What if..what if. So I can't argue with him, though I'm so furious at him. I can't write him this pissed off email. I have to hold this anger inside. And it's anger with a good reason, too. And yet, my love for my friend, makes it essential that I not scream at him today, for fear that if Friday, something happens, and I never see him again...those are the last words he'll hear from me.

I hate this state of fear. I hate having to feel this insecure. I hate those damned terrorists, with their damned bombs, and their damned political causes. I hate that violence became an acceptable answer to them. I hate that they have caused me to hate. To feel this anger. To feel this worry. To feel this fear.

[Phoenix Blue]

**Hugs Danus**

One thing that, perhaps oddly, made me feel better was this:

Life is no different today than it was on 12 Sep 2001, 11 Sep 2001, or 10 Sep 2001. Only our awareness has changed. We now know how terrible and chaotic life can be - a lesson that we could only learn in fire.

But life has always been terrible and chaotic. And life has always been beautiful and exciting, too. **Smiles** Life is still beautiful and exciting today. . . and very much worth living.

I've said before: Plan for tomorrow, but live like it will never come. To me, that means: live life not with fear, but with joy. You're alive! And while so much of life is outside your control, right now, your life is completely in your hands.

[Danustouch]

Thank you Phoenix.

[WandererInGray]

:scream:

*sighs* I think that's what I'd do if I weren't at work today.
There's just so much emotion rolling around in my stomach right now it's making me ill.

Sometimes I really hate this world.

[Azure]

I have the TV turned off- I am really kind of disgusted by all the display. I'm supposed to help with one tonight, but I will probably bail - they have plenty of people, and it really bothers me. . . it seems, with all the "orange alerts" and media hype, to be a spectacle rather than a memorial.

I'm afraid by next year it'll all be about the 9/11 sales at the mall.

I think the best tribute I can give those that died is quiet contemplation - that doesn't give attention to the acts of a handful of hijackers that don't deserve it. Thought today belongs to the personal - after all this has happened, what can we do to make the world a better place? - is sort of my theme for the day. Because in the wake of the horrors of last year, that's how you make a difference.

[WtchyChick13]

I've never been on this early in the afternoon before! lol

I needed to come here for a bit. I needed a little "huddle with friends" moment here.

I went to bed at 4:30am this morning--early for me--and I got up at 8am to watch the ceremonies. I've been crying on and off all day and have been on the phone quite a few times with my mother. She's at work and having a very hard time getting through the day.

Part of the problem for Mom is that she worked down at Ground Zero twice and I think today, it's all surging back. She's been so worried about me because she knows that I'm still as bad as I was last year at this time and she hasn't thought about herself at all.

I myself keep feeling guilty if I watch something other than 9/11. I know this sound rediculous but this is how I feel. I just changed the station for a minute to see part of my favorite "News Radio" yet I feel nauseous now because I know there is something on the History Channel about the Trade Center that I should be watching.

One thing that amazes me is that with everything I've watched (and I've watched EVERYTHING), I'm still learning more and more. The stories that are still coming out--good and bad. I just wish they would emphasize the good ones more. The unsung heroes that no one knew about until recently. The security guard on the 65th floor of Tower 2 who stood guard of an injured man and went down in the collapse after only having asked for a paramedic to come up so that he could stay at his post.

It is the stories like that that need to be heard and celebrated. These normal everyday people that went out of their way to help each other and become instantly bonded with those they'd never even met before.

I think listening to them and getting to know these people a little bit more is starting to help me a bit. I know I'm still a wreck, but at least now, I can find a few things to smile about. Thinking of the selflessness of others is truly inspiring.

[WtchyChick13]

Forgot one thing. I found this smilie a while back and thought that it was appropriate for today. It's called, "Tribute":

[Mithrea]

. . . And the day gets worse. :dis:

I had the students draw personal symbols for their feelings about this past year. Then we discussed how meaning is transmitted on two different levels and that there are universal meanings and personal meanings. Then we discussed how they know both of those types of meaning. I was trying to work them up to a discussion on perspective. . .

I took them outside for class. They sat on the benches and I stood under this large tree. As I was talking, a huge pile of leaves fell out of the tree beside me and a squirrel took off running. The racket coming out of the leaves was terrible. :shaker: I thought it was birds but one of the students peeled back the leaves to find not birds, but baby squirrels. One of them badly broken from the impact and the rest screaming out in terror.

Sometimes the Goddess sends the eeriest messages. I could barely hold it together after that and after I gave them a stern lecture about leaving class early, I dismissed them 15 minutes early. Today could not suck more. :wah:

[Phoenix Blue]

**Hugs** Witchy, hon, do yourself a favor. Turn off the TV and go outside for a little while. **Soft smile**

[Old Witch]

Today sucks!

[WtchyChick13]

Originally posted by Phoenix_Blue
**Hugs** Witchy, hon, do yourself a favor. Turn off the TV and go outside for a little while. **Soft smile**

Thanks Phoenix, I tried that but the wind here is so bad, it practically blew me off the deck! (I burned my hair with my cigarette too!

On the plus side, everytime I get teary-eyed, my birdie comes up and gives me kisses!!! Gotta love that!

Mith, I'm so sorry about the squirrels!!!!!! I just helped a group of 5 babies get going and reading about those little ones that "dropped in" on you made me cry again. Hang in there--not much more to go. :)

(((((HUGS EVERYONE)))))


Group hug time:

[MammaStar]

CC my darling. My bestest bud. PLEASE, I'm begging you....shut the damn thing off and follow PB's advice.

Or better yet....check your PM's. I'm sending my work phone # (not like i'm doing much anyway).

Mithrea---(((((((HUGS))))))))

I'm better than I was at the time of my original post. I've been outside. I'm not bomarded with images. Just me, the computer, & the radio, something of which I can't live without. The local station is making sure they are playing songs. Lots & lots of songs. All kinds. And to me that's good. Cause music seems to make me get through things like this.

The sun is still shining. It's windy out (there's a "tropical depression off the coast) and soon my munchkin is going to give me a call. :)

On top of all that, I heard the Grateful Dead on my lunch break. Nothing can make me smile like the Boys. ;)

[Danustouch]

Things are still rotten here.

[Mithrea]

I'm at work now. I'll be in chat if anyone needs to talk. *hint hint* ;) (We need a winky smiley that frowns--Wtchy?)

[PrincessHLHofMW]

tough? good god! i barely made it though scool today...i woke up and made the stupid mistake of turning on the radio....oh man i was bawling so the i stupidly forgot there was no normal tv and turned that on! then when i got to school and they said the pledge and sang the star spangled banner...guess what happed? yup i cried...then the moment of silence...cried again...i was working in my schools office trying to count papers after the moment of silence it took me about half an hour to acctually count to 21....sigh and on my way to first period i saw two of my teachers comforting one of my classmates...you guessed it cried again...i've been so moody today and tired from crying that i almost fell of my lab table after i started to fall asleep taking notes....arg...im so mad and so damn scared still and i hadnt realized it.....:( :wah:n :wah2:

[Mithrea]

*Hugs* to all of you. :(

[PrincessHLHofMW]

i send out *hugs* to everyone as well....*sigh* this day is rough

[PrincessHLHofMW]

Oh God i just cant take itim a wreck right now...why did this have to happen...why did so many people have to lose their lives like that...how could someone be so evil????/

[Chibi-Fallon]

Actually we talked about the basics in Euro History AP today. It’s kinda interesting if you look at it that way. Personally the whole 24 hour coverage is a total bore to me. It happened a year ago. It’s America we make a big deal out of everything that happened to *us*. While in the Middle East bombings are common place and get about 2 seconds on the news, this gets full day coverage, and it’s over nothings going on anymore. Be happy of where you live and the fact that this isn't an unsafe country even if parts of it are crap.
Did you know jet fuel is like jell-o? And can burn up to 2000 something? When the plane hit it knocked off the spray on fire-proofing. And hey, we’re lucky that the building imploded (the core went out first). There was something on PBS last night about the towers. Seriously, screw ABC, CBS they are only gonna sensationalize the whole thing. PBS gives you the “straight poop” (as my Euro Hist. teacher says). It’s actually *really* interesting to look it at from the POV of an architect or engineer.
I have a feeling this is the American Titanic so to speak. I think they'll go down the same path, just give it a while.

[Mithrea]

Originally posted by PrincessHLHofMW
Oh God i just cant take itim a wreck right now...why did this have to happen...why did so many people have to lose their lives like that...how could someone be so evil????/

PM someone? PM me? *hugs*

[Chibi-Fallon]

Originally posted by PrincessHLHofMW
Oh God i just cant take itim a wreck right now...why did this have to happen...why did so many people have to lose their lives like that...how could someone be so evil????/

Are they really evil? Or are they just trying to prove a point, get a message across? Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but nothing else would have worked.
We’re self-centered (did you ever give a 2nd thought to the Middle East before? Even when so many of *them* were dying every single day), and greedy (wealthiest country in the world but we still want more), but they were attacking our “freedom”. And now we're the greatest thing since sliced bread (so let's add arrogance to the list).
The media just showing you that side so it’s easier to think of *them* as unhuman monsters, so they’re easier to kill, easier to keep them faceless, easier to bomb their villages and not feel bad. If they did it any other way the ratings would drop and they wouldn't make as much money (again with the greed).
People die. Sooner or later everyone dies, and everyone dies for a reason, and not because some man in the Middle East wanted them to.
If that’s the way you were chosen to go out, it’s gonna happen and there’s not much you can do about it, and that’s pretty much the way it is.
It’s far to easy to call someone “evil” without knowing a thing about them.

[PrincessHLHofMW]

im going to a memorial in a bit....thanks Mithrea...ill talk to you all later

[Lavender]

It's been on the tv all week, leading up to today. I don't think I need the media sensations to remind me. I doubt I would forget. I'm sitting here at work, same trade show here this year as last. Same people...most of our clients are Americans. Most of them were stuck here and couldn't home across the border. The tension has been heavy here all week at work. I'm looking forward to going home and hugging my family.

[WtchyChick13]

Originally posted by Chibi-Fallon


Are they really evil?

I believe Princess was posting this as a rhetorical question and not one to be answered. (I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn Princess.)

Chibi--this post is not about a political debate or the fact that the towers collapsed by imploding or any of that stuff. This is a tough day. We are just trying to get through it. Chryssi started it so that we could come here and talk out our feelings--something that was obviously needed since many of us responded.

Let's just go with it. I live right near NYC and have to deal with this pain everyday. If you don't live near here, then maybe it's not affecting you the same way. But respect those of us who are healing.

Tomorrow is a new day--let us get through tonite. :)

[PrincessHLHofMW]

no wtchy you are right...it was rhtorical in the fact of can any of us really answer it? I too live a hop skip and a jump from NYC and it really been rough on me. I used to be able to look to my right while going to the mall and say "there's New York"...now...i cant remember where it is....:(

[Flaire-FireStar]

*hugs to all who need 'em* :heartthro




I managed to ignore 3 hours worth of broadcasts this morning on newsnet before going to school..... Yet, I was still irritated when they showed all the "live" broadcasts from last year. :dis:

I'm glad they didn't talk about it there, though. Last year, I heard from friends taht was the hot topic of the moment. Today, though, no one seemed to mention it- or if they did, I wasn't around to see it.

[Chibi-Fallon]

Originally posted by WtchyChick13
I believe Princess was posting this as a rhetorical question and not one to be answered.

Who doesn’t have those? It’s 9/11 we all have to be somber, and sad, and speak rhetorically, write bad poetry all the good stuff. No fun today only crying and crap like that. We all have to hide any individual thought in our head and be "American".
And the fact that I questioned her question didn’t mean it was an answer (or my political views for that matter), it meant it was something to think about. And that was how I feel about 9/11 I’m not some person who sits around and listens to Bush read his Hallmark (tm) speeches while we all clap every two sentences and his approval rating goes up.
Sure it’s been a hard day, but at least you don’t have to worry about being blown up next time you go to the store, or to a club. As bad as it all feels now, you’re lucky, d*** lucky and don’t you dare forget it. Millions around the world would give anything to live where you live because 9/11 isn’t like having to worry about being blown up in the supermarket everyday. America is sitting around having it’s own pity party and the rest of the world is sick of it already because most of them have it worse off. Or would you rather live in Africa? It's sad but it's not the end of the world. It's life you live it and move on.

[WtchyChick13]

Princess, glad I didn't offend there. :)


Chibi wrote:

No fun today only crying and crap like that.

Umm, today was not a day about fun. It was a day of reflection. I was crying--it wasn't crap. I've been crying for a year. That hasn't been crap either. I don't sit around clapping at the President either and yes, I know I'm lucky.

You and I disagree on many things Chibi. We usually don't. Again, I'm just asking you to respect how others feel. By that quote above, IMHO, I feel as if you are calling what I am feeling crap and on a day like today, I really don't need it.


I'd like to get this thread back on topic, if that's ok. I've been watching all day and heard even more inspiring stories that I've never heard before. I think now that the anniversary is almost over, we should concentrate on the positive messages that came out of this tragedy. There were many inspirational stories that came out of the rubble.

May we all finally find peace. :)

[Arzhela]

I think the best way we can honor those who died and give support to the families that now have pieces missing is by remembering and making sure that we give extra love to those around us, and by trying each day to sympathize rather than condemn, to accept rather than to judge. It's hard, and I admit to having had a rough time of it today, but I just keep thinking of the people who were and are directly affected by September 11th...and I'm realizing, a lot more than I did then, I think, that I don't want to look at the media. I want to just silently send out love to everyone. Absolutely everyone. And go to bed counting my blessings and praying that I can get up tomorrow and minimalize my feelings of bitterness, jealousy, hate--all that stuff that is not so uncommon to me in an ordinary week--and maximize my compassion. I want what happened to at least have changed our outlook on life and our fellow humans, and I want for us to concentrate on how the horror of what had happened brought nations together in mourning...we found our lowest common denominator, to put it in math terms. Barriers of language, religious belief, nationality...for so many people it all went down in a moment with the towers, and we were one in grief, shock, and horror. Let's go back to that unity, and see what we can do to make the world a better place.

[WtchyChick13]

Here-Here! http://www.click-smilie.de/sammlung/ernaehrung/ernaehrung004.gif

[Chibi-Fallon]

Originally posted by WtchyChick13
I was crying--it wasn't crap. I've been crying for a year. That hasn't been crap either.
I want to say something really bad, but you'd just write something like this again so I won't. Crap like that = things like that, only I don't say things like that I say crap like that. But it means the same thing. I wasn't calling your feelings crap, not that I really care (sorry and all but you're a person on the internet, honestly it ain't making or breaking my day) I was basically saying "crying and other things of that nature." Does that make sense? "Crap like that" is just another way of putting it.

[Altheia]

There was just too much going on today. For some reason, I didn't want to see it and relive it all over again, but I couldn't help but stay glued to my television set or to my radio today. I called my boyfriend who was involved with a lot of the clean up at ground zero last year. It was good to hear his voice. Last year when it happened two thoughts ran through my head...the first was "I wonder if he is okay" and the second was"How in the world am I going to be able to get to him?" Those thoughts and questions plagued me throughout the rest of that day. Today similar thoughts were embedded in my mind. I wanted to know that he was alright. He had to stand watch on a hospital ship all day. I was so worried all day today. And when he called me tonight, just like he did a year ago, the first words out of his mouth were, I love you and I am alright. That was comforting to know. It has been one very thought provoking day. I felt as if I could sit down and write a whole entire book about what happened a year ago today. I know that I had no personal losses...but in my heart I will always feel the pain of worrying about that possiblity of that kind of loss...thanks, and hugs for all....blessed be!

[Rubi Waters]

Originally posted by chryssi1
*hugs back everyone*

I wish we din't have to feel like this, but I am glad that I have company. I know, that sounds weird, but I hope you all know what I mean.

BB

I understand perfectly :) (((((chryssi)))))
(((((((((Hugs for everyone)))))))))))
last year I was at work when everything happened, I just had to keep working and get through it.
This year i was at home and watching it being replayed, it wasn't any easier.

[flar7]

~Moderator Mode~

No further quick witted quips or making less of others pain. You
have said your peace Chibi on this many times. Again, this isnt
a political thread, move on. Any further abusive statements or
disrespectful remarks will be deleted, regardless of poster.

~End Moderator Mode~