Born On a Rotten Day

[aluokaloo]

http://www.bemyastrologer.com/sun_sign_downside.html#aquarius

has anyone ever read this book? It's hilarious! here are some excerpts for each sign.This is NOT for those who lack a sense of humor! :lol:




You have the annoying habit of acting like an authority on subjects about which you know little or nothing. This is because your brain is like an encyclopedia with chunks of pages missing. You confuse snatches of a conversation held a year ago with the Adventure Channel's special on the pyramids you saw last week. Then insist you had a conversation with the curator of an Egyptian museum on the relics found in King Tut's tomb. The sad part is that you believe your fantasy. The truth is you are not only a phony but also a fruitcake.

Aliens kidnap Aquarians more often than any other sign. In fact, you probably are an alien who uses the kidnapped story as a cover for your strange behavior patterns. Your brain works faster than you can speak , so your conversation is riddled with mispronounced five-syllable words that makes you sound like Robert Rabbit talking about his uncle's "probate" gland.

[Chaos Hawk]

Those are great :lol:

[aluokaloo]

which one are you chaos?

[Chaos Hawk]

Sagittarius

[aluokaloo]

lol! yours is hysterical!

[Chaos Hawk]

I thought so too. I loved:

You don't do stable. Your threshold of boredom is so low that if anything in your life remains the same for longer than five minutes you hyperventilate and head for the nearest exist. Your definition of comfort zone is the rest of the world's idea of maniac mode.

and

Everything about you is exaggerated. Honesty means saying things such as "For a fat person, you sure don't sweat much."

cause those are pretty much the truth!

[aluokaloo]

:D did you read mine? oh and check out aries, libra and leo

[Chaos Hawk]

I did read yours. I love the Aliens part! I read Taurus and Virgo, they are a riot as well :hehehehe:

[aluokaloo]

oh they are all funny! I bought the book for my aunt and she couldn't stop laughing! especially when she read other people's (particularly the libra, saggitarius, and aries) zodiac's out loud.

[Artiste-LiLi]

I read that book many years ago....it was hysterical! I'd love to get another copy of it.

[aluokaloo]

I read that book many years ago....it was hysterical! I'd love to get another copy of it.

bought it for my aunt last christmas at barnes n noble. which one are you lili?

[BlackLili]

I have that book in my collection. You're right, it's absolutely hysterical!

Capricorn (http://www.bemyastrologer.com/sun_sign_downside.html#capricorn) - my favorite parts of mine:


The quest for power drives you as forcefully as it does cousin Scorpio, however because your emotional nature is in hibernation, you suffer none of the Scorpion's passionate derailments on the way up the corporate ladder. Your business philosophy is that of the early railroad magnates. Kill what you can't buy off and stay on schedule.



You are slow to anger because you consider yourself so superior to the rest of humanity that you rarely lower yourself to hold a two-sided conversation. You disregard any opinion except your own, and the most others can expect is a sour-faced glower and flick of your wrist as you dismiss them as blathering fools for whom you have no time.

You are the late-bloomer of the zodiac. Astrologers kindly say that yours is the sign of reverse aging. What this really means is, as a child you sold tickets when your cat had kittens and played Foreclosure instead of Monopoly. And, when you reach the old folks' home your nickname will be either Baby Jane, because you swish through the halls in your tutu, or Letch, because it's finally dawned on you what playing doctor really meant in fifth grade and you're trying to make up for lost time.

[Artiste-LiLi]

bought it for my aunt last christmas at barnes n noble. which one are you lili?

From Evil Twins:

GEMINI:

You are a quick & intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

I'll cop to all of it but the incest part. I'm an incest survivor..not perpetrator.

In the Born on a rotten day:


GEMINI
http://www.bemyastrologer.com/artgemini.gif : You belong to the Fad-of-the-Month Club. You were the first kid on your block to have a hula hoop, a skateboard, or roller blades. You are also the first one to arrive in the Emergency Room with a broken bone, because you refused to wear protective gear. You have a hundred acquaintances but few friends. Probably because you spend half of your time talking behind their backs and the other half making eyes at their lovers.
Gems make good writers, mimics, used-car salesmen, con artists, and magpies. You are also one of the psychic signs, but can't shut up long enough to practice your meditation exercises.
You love to embellish the boring details of your life. What starts out as a trip to the grocery store becomes the day you spotted Elvis in the parking lot. When you confronted him, you discovered it wasn't the King after all -- it was Jimmy Hoffa.
You do have a gift for imparting knowledge to others. On the playground you were the one who taught the other kids how to play doctor. If you were a drug, it would be speed.
You hate solitude. You aren't introspective and need the stimulus of other people to help manage the buzzing noises in your head. It has been said of Gemini Bob Hope that is he could live his life over again, he wouldn't have the time. While this description neatly fits every Gemini the reason your social calendar is overbooked is because, when there's no one else to talk to, you bore yourself to death.
In Gemini, Mercury bestows a natural talent for pot stirring. You love to invite over for drinks people who detest each other, then sit back and watch the mayhem.
Your Achilles Heel is romance. You are sucker for a sob story, flattery, or an out-and-out lie. In any other area of life, you are suspicious of most people who offer genuine friendship because you are such a phoney baloney. However if someone listens intently to your latest goofy scheme, interjects a bit of his, or her, own pathos now and then, you're hooked. Never mind that your latest flame is your sixth spouse, you instantly fall in love, then after the smoke clears and you realize you've chosen yet another card-carrying psycho, you run like Hell. If you could learn to not get married in between the loving and the running, you'd save yourself many headaches.
Your breezy nature and impressive recuperative powers keep you relatively unscathed in matters of the heart. If you have guilt at all, it's more a nagging sense that you should have more emotional empathy. But it really doesn't matter. You are protected by Mercury, the god of thieves and liars and seldom get hoisted on your own pétard.

Some fits...some doesn't. :hehehe:

[tallwoman.9169]

This would be funny if it weren't so accurate!!!! ROFLMAO!

[Philosophia]

I love it! It is so accurate. :hehehehe:

SCORPIO

Why is your life so difficult? Because you are still repaying the bad karma you earned the last go-around, when you were Torquemada's rack-master during the Inquisition.

Your exaggerated nature provides extremes of every kind. Compulsions and obsessions explode within your psyche. A startlingly large number of you either become geniuses, or sink into the lowest depths of depravity. You latter types make ideal mates for Pisces.

Your favorite TV shows are reruns of Dark Shadows and you wear a Barnabas Collins ring on your forefinger. You love to point randomly at unsuspecting strangers and mumble gibberish. Your moods range from irritable to pissed off, and you frequently sulk, brood, intimidate, spy and cheat. That's on one of your good days. Unlike Taurus, who is blind to his faults, you are acutely aware of your flaws, but excessively proud of them. For instance, you like to wear a minipicture of your mug shot on a gold chain.

Being a fixed sign means that your emotions and opinions rarely change. You are kindly described as "still water runs deep". You more closely resemble a boiling cesspool of hydrochloric acid. Your metaphorical stinger is always poised for attack and you are supposedly known for vicious verbal barbs. In reality, most of you are merely cantankerous bores who constantly posture and gouge lines in the dirt daring others to step across.

You are so private even your relatives don't know your unlisted phone number. You have a NO SOLICITORS sign on the barbed-wire fence around your property, and anyone attempting to reach your front door will need a map and a flashlight to make it through the overgrowth. You are so paranoid that you think Alcatraz would be a safe place to live.

Scorpios have bumper stickers that say things like, "My child sells drugs to your honor student." You are chronically terse, and have Bad Ass, Son of Bad Ass, or Mother of Bad Ass tattooed on your neck.

You keep a police scanner on the kitchen table to track the movements of your friends -- both of them. Instead of family pictures, your refrigerator is covered with magnetic business cards of lawyers, therapists, and bail bondsmen. Inside is a mishmash of variety ranging from mashed potatoes to granola bars. Your eating habits swing as wildly as your emotions, from Spartan bark eater to comfort-food junkie.

Scorpio is the sign of the prosecuting attorney, psychopath, Mafia negotiator, and more-parts-than-you-were-prepared-to-lose surgeon. Scorpios also make good stalkers, astrologers, and psychics; however very few of you are in the latter profession because you refuse to acknowledge your clairvoyance.

You follow Scorpio Adam Ant's views on sex. He said, "I like sex. My songs are about sex ... sex is my life. I just find it the most exhilarating experience, and I think it should he done on stage." You'd join his band if you could.

You are the most intense of all signs. Telling you to learn to go with the flow, or to lighten up, is ridiculous. Control is your forté. Learn to use it on yourself before running over your children, friends, and lovers with your steel-belted emotions and you'll quickly discover that most people like to be around you because of the sheer force of your personality.

[Caitlin.ann]

Haha mine's pretty accurate! I'm Libra! :) Great share!

[Terra Mater]

I am a Taurus and found the Taurean to be spot on. My family would totally agree with this part:

You are perfectly willing to plod through life without trampling anyone's toes, as long as everyone understands you are boss. However you will deliberately shake up things at home in a spot check to see who's really on your side. You need constant adoration from your spouse, demand blind obedience from your children, and will bust a skull now and then to assure it. You forget your angry outbursts as soon as they erupt, and can't understand why the relative you laid low an hour ago won't share the nice dinner you've just cooked.

[Jezibaba]

From Evil Twins:

GEMINI:

You are a quick & intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

I'll cop to all of it but the incest part. I'm an incest survivor..not perpetrator.

In the Born on a rotten day:


GEMINI
http://www.bemyastrologer.com/artgemini.gif : You belong to the Fad-of-the-Month Club. You were the first kid on your block to have a hula hoop, a skateboard, or roller blades. You are also the first one to arrive in the Emergency Room with a broken bone, because you refused to wear protective gear. You have a hundred acquaintances but few friends. Probably because you spend half of your time talking behind their backs and the other half making eyes at their lovers.
Gems make good writers, mimics, used-car salesmen, con artists, and magpies. You are also one of the psychic signs, but can't shut up long enough to practice your meditation exercises.
You love to embellish the boring details of your life. What starts out as a trip to the grocery store becomes the day you spotted Elvis in the parking lot. When you confronted him, you discovered it wasn't the King after all -- it was Jimmy Hoffa.
You do have a gift for imparting knowledge to others. On the playground you were the one who taught the other kids how to play doctor. If you were a drug, it would be speed.
You hate solitude. You aren't introspective and need the stimulus of other people to help manage the buzzing noises in your head. It has been said of Gemini Bob Hope that is he could live his life over again, he wouldn't have the time. While this description neatly fits every Gemini the reason your social calendar is overbooked is because, when there's no one else to talk to, you bore yourself to death.
In Gemini, Mercury bestows a natural talent for pot stirring. You love to invite over for drinks people who detest each other, then sit back and watch the mayhem.
Your Achilles Heel is romance. You are sucker for a sob story, flattery, or an out-and-out lie. In any other area of life, you are suspicious of most people who offer genuine friendship because you are such a phoney baloney. However if someone listens intently to your latest goofy scheme, interjects a bit of his, or her, own pathos now and then, you're hooked. Never mind that your latest flame is your sixth spouse, you instantly fall in love, then after the smoke clears and you realize you've chosen yet another card-carrying psycho, you run like Hell. If you could learn to not get married in between the loving and the running, you'd save yourself many headaches.
Your breezy nature and impressive recuperative powers keep you relatively unscathed in matters of the heart. If you have guilt at all, it's more a nagging sense that you should have more emotional empathy. But it really doesn't matter. You are protected by Mercury, the god of thieves and liars and seldom get hoisted on your own pétard.



Some fits...some doesn't. :hehehe:



:lol: That was classic. I'm a Gemini too!

[WickedBttrfly]

I have that book somewhere! It is awesomely mean. :hehehehe:

[LadyWillow]

I purchased that book years ago and I loved it. Not only was it a favorite of mine, it got passed around my friends and quickly became a favorite of theirs as well.

[Peter_Parker]

:lol:




leo

http://www.bemyastrologer.com/artleo.gif: Everywhere you go you command attention. That's because you are usually carrying a gun.

In a romance you have all the finesse of a sailor returning home from a twelve-month cruise. You'll go home with anyone who has great hair. The next day, you bore your friends with tales of sexual conquest that everyone knows are lies. What you don't know is that, secretly, everyone hopes you get eaten by a crocodile.

Your checking account serves as a clearing house between your paycheck and creditors, and you've filed for bankruptcy so often you're banned from using credit cards until 2052.