Altar in the Woods

[Pan]

Loki walks up to the altar, the sunlight dappling the stone formation with shadow and light.. the red and gold leaves humming softly in the breeze. Her hair is pinned back, a silver leaf the only ornament in her hair, though small oak leaves dot the dark brown locks here and there. In her hands is a wooden tray.

A bowl of lentil soup rests on the tray, a small pile of cornbread muffins is beside it, and a chalice of warm appe cider with clove and cinnamon beckons the taste buds. Her tan skirt whispers about her legs, brown socks cling to her calves up to her knees. With a smile, she sets down the tray, seating herself upon a small stump nearby.

"I bring this small feast to you, Loki and Demeter, as thanks for the Harvest Season. I got a new job.. and a lovely husband all in one year. But though the season is almost over.. I hope the abundancy will reign on for all my days and nights."

She smiles and looks to her left, Loki-God is eating the bread, his long periwinkle hair cascading in waves down his back to his ankles. He is clad in a bright red, his yellow eyes glittering. "You bet!" Cheerful as always.

The girl looks to her right and sees Demeter, eating the soup daintily. Lentils were her department. She smiles amongst her dirt-brown hair and nods in thanks and welcome.

Loki stands up and laughs! "Happy Mabon! Happy Autumnal Equinox! So mote it be!"

Loki-God and Demeter ring out their voices, blessing the season as Loki strikes up a tune on a lute and dances merrily in the season, Loki-God following step with cornbread in his hands.

When the revelrie is done, the girl takes up the empty bowl and plate, chalice and tray. She smiles as she heads for home.

"I thank the Lord and Lady for this bountiful season.. and only hope that more will come.

"So mote it be!"

[Pan]

Loki takes a laptop to the stone formation in the woods, leaning against it lighty. She's at work, headphones on her head to take calls from people with Satellite problems. She's happy to be there.. a Code Red Mountain Dew beside her to keep her awake.

Demeter sits behind her, atop the formation of stones, her hair a mass of wires and cables.. her scalp bald save for those dred-like locks. Her eyes are silver, appearing to be cybernetic in nature, with black pupils. Her dress is pleather, black, hanging to the ground to cover her feet. Another thick wire runs from her stomach and into Loki's neck. Loki has agreed to become her battery.

With a small nod, Loki adjusts the cable leading to her neck, resting against Demeter's legs. Loki-God sits beside her, chewing on an apple. His hair is the same periwinkle colour, but with minute braids scattered throughout, woven with copper wire. His own clothes are black pleather, clinging to his slender frame like syran wrap. His yellow eyes are slitted like a cat's.

Though Loki isn't fond of technology, she's accepted what's happening to the earth, knowing that Demeter's form is the result of evolution of the human race's technological society. Closing her eyes, she rests against Demeter, allowing the Goddess to run her white fingers through her hair.

"Thanks for the chance at a good job, you two," Loki says softly. "I know that you sent my husband to me.. and it was him and his friends that helped me get this wonderful job.. Thank you." She smiles, looking up at Demeter, then over at Loki-God.

Loki-God grins and spits an apple seed on the ground a good few yards away. A tree sprouts up where the seed lands. "Of course!" he says cheerfully, grinning with that certain flair. "Being lazy's fun.. especially if you get paid to do it."

Demeter chuckles and pats Loki's head, her voice much softer, but with a metallic hum to it. "Your husband and you deserve happiness after all the hardship you've been through," she whispers. "We only helped to push things along.."

To the left, a fog stays a good 6 feet away.. a one-eyed man standing in it.. 2 ravens fluttering over his shoulders, and 2 wolves at his feet.

[Pan]

Loki steps up to the stone formation, sitting down and leaning against the base.

"Thank you for the wonderful weather.. it's cool enough for sweaters but not so cold as to need a coat," she whispers to the trees. The breeze answers, tipping her at a little over her left eye. "Thanks for the job, thanks for the patience to handle day-to-day things."

Looking to her left, lifting up the tip of the hat, Loki smiles. Loki-God is there, grinning from ear to ear. He pulls Loki into a gently, fatherly embrace.

"Thank you for the husband you've given me, even though he's being silly and spinning in an office chair." She laughs. "Thanks for the cats at home.. thanks for the home. Thanks for the Grandparents that gave us the home. Thanks for the car that takes us to work. Thanks for the work."

Leaning into Loki-God, Loki yawns. "Thanks for the clouds that skitter across the sky.. thanks for the Gala apples I love so much. Thanks for everything around me and inside me."

Standing, Loki gives Loki-God a playful shove in the chest with her foot, pushing him into the ground. "Thanks for Loki and Demeter, too.

"So mote it be."

[Pan]

Loki races up to the rock formation in the woods, leaping up to stand on it. She throws out her arms wide as if to embrace the fiery-leafed trees that bend in the breath of Demeter.

"Thank you, Loki and Demeter for these last few days! I've been feeling very low on energy.. but now I feel like I could never go low again!" She smiles and tilts her head up, laughing at the clouds skittering across the sky. "Thank you for keeping the pain from me.. the pain of worry and the pain of anxiety! I've been so worried about money and food.. now that's all over!"

With a bound, Loki clings to Loki-God's back, laughing in his ear as she gets a piggy-back ride from the God of Trickery in the Norse Pantheon. "Loki Loki! Thank you!" She laughs and hugs him with her arms, wrapping her legs around his middle.

Turning her head, the girl sees Demeter, leaning against a tree in a long brown skirt and deep orange shirt. Her brunette hair is laced with leaves of the season, acorns dotting it. "Thanks, Demeter.. for everything!" She blows her a kiss and jabs Loki-God in the hips with her feet. "Giddy-up, Loki! Yah-mule!"

Loki-God grumbles, but laughs, running all around the area with the girl on his back.

"Thank you, both of you, all of you! For this wonderful wonderful AUTUMN Weather!

"So mote it be!!!!!!!!!!"

[Pan]

Loki rides up to the stone altar astride a white stag, her hands resting on his antlers. Slipping off, she straightens her skirt and takes off her boots, feeling the grass between her toes. With a sigh, she throws off her cloak, watching it poof into a million green butterflies, the stag laying down and watching her with stormy grey-blue eyes.

"Ahh.. another day," she says, leaning against the altar. "Another day of niceness.. after 24 hours of rain!" Turning around, she rests against the altar, looking up at the fluffy clouds moving slowly across the sky. "At least the plants will get to grow better."

Looking around, Loki lays down, feeling the dewy grass letting its cargo seep into her shirt. The dew around her flies off the grass to land in her hair, making it sparkle like a night sky.

"I guess I should be thankful for the rain.. but sometimes it's hard when your house leaks," she mutters. "But I am thankful for the wonderful husband I have.. and the way he holds me and keeps me safe in the storms that raged through last night and all day yesterday. I just wish there was something I could do in return."

Turning her head, the girl spies Loki-God sitting next to her, rolling a bead of water across his knuckles. "It'll get better," he says, flipping the bead up into the air. "Don't you worry, my dear." With a smile, he tosses the bead up and watches it turn into a tiny white owl about the size of a quarter. "Just keep this little guy with you to remind you of happy times."

Loki smiles a little and closes her eyes, letting the feel of the grass overtake her. "Yeah.. I'm thankful for the rain.."

[Pan]

Loki sits beneath a tree near the stone formation of the altar. Her head is resting on her raised knees, her fingers laced before her, resting on her feet.

"Another day at work.. which isn't really all that bad," she says, her voice muffled a little. "It's everything but work that's getting annoying and.. really bad.

"Well.. first it was this morning.. when hubby and I went to go to the Festival of the Arts down town. We stopped off at my mom's to pick up the money that my brother owes us. Well.. he didn't have it. He spent it on the admissions fee for a Japanese cartoon convention. Why did he do that??? He also bought TOYS. He's flippin' 21 and he bought toys." She sighs heavily. "He bought Zoids, Yu Gi Oh cards, Metabots crap.. and he couldn't pay us back $14. He also bought a $50 PS2 video game. We need that money!

"Another person we loaned money to won't pay us back either. We loaned her $20. I asked for it and she said that she didn't have it. I'm like.. what the hell? Why not! She said that she'd have it today... So there's another stress line for me.

"ANOTHER THING!! This one makes me SOOOO mad.. hubby's mom was supposed to meet us to go to Chatauqua.. well.. she couldn't. Do you know WHY?! Because she had to go to her stupid boyfriend's stupid kids' stupid football game! Everything they do.. hubby's mom has to do around her boyfriend's KIDS. That's so not fair. She ended up missing us going to the festival so she could go to the stupid game. It's happened before.. that she was supposed to go be with hubby when instead she went to do something with her boyfriend's kids. It's not fair at all and it seems like she's getting really upset by it. I know I am and so's hubby.

"Another thing yet again... I had started a Coven and it flopped, but oh well on that. I advertised it on a community I helped to found and the girl who actually created the comm (because she went behind my back to do it so she could take the credit) replied to my message (when she said I could advertise) that "this was not appreciated". I was so pissed off. I had only put that I wanted the coven to be more serious than the Circle and that I wanted it to "soar among the clouds rather than stick in the mud." I guess I made it sound like I thought the Circle was stuck in the mud.

"I emailed her personally (oh, and that "not appreciated" thing was on a public board) and told her that I deleted both messages and that I won't be posting on the board anymore. I've not heard back from her. I also told her that if she thought I meant that the Circle was stuck in the mud.. I thought she knew me better than that. Besides, I've known her in real life for about 5 years."

Loki closes her eyes, gripping her hands together. "There's just so much I can take.. everything was going so well. I mean.. I'd just gotten a job that I like. I'm making friends.. what did I do to make things go so astray?"

Maneuvering just so, Loki lays on her stomach, her head resting on her arms. Closing her eyes, she feels hands on her back.. one is Demeter's and one is Loki-God's. With a jolt, Loki cries at little, gripping her arms as her parents hold her and try to comfort.

"What did I do..."

[Pan]

"Let's add one more thing!" Loki says mock-cheerfully from atop the stone altarpiece. "Let's add in that I'm hated! Whee!" She leaps from the altar to land in a crouch on the ground. "Everyone from the old Circle now hates me because of the misunderstanding. They all think that I did it on purpose! Isn't that wonderful?!"

She falls to the ground, muttering about wishing she could belong.. for once.. to something.

[Pan]

Loki lays on the black grass beside the altar.. the moon's light choked by heavy clouds thick on the sky. A dry wind chills the land, sending a shiver through the girl's form, leaves scuffing across the flattened grass.

"Bah..." Loki mutters, huddling closer into herself, "Bah, I say.. I quit that damned 'Circle where everyone is welcome.' Some family they turned out to be." She sighs and looks at the tree across the way, pressing her back against the cold stone. "Ibis is a new friend at least... Mikiah doesn't hate me.. Rain insulted me and wishes to still be my friend...

"But I hold grudges. I've held one for over 10 years and I don't even know where this girl lives anymore. That's how bad I am.. or good depending on what you want to think of it as."

Pulling on her short sleeves, she shivers again, wincing as a stray leaf clicks into her shoes, startling her. "I guess I thank you, Loki and Demeter, for taking away that stress in my life.. but I hope you have something in mind to replace it with. You know how much I like to belong to groups. I've served my time alone.. and now I want someone to practise with."

Closing her eyes, Loki sighs heavily, relaxing and preparing for sleep. "I surely hope you have something to fill that emptiness with...."

What she doesn't feel right now is Loki-God watching her from the top of the altar, staring down at her as he stands on it.. and Demeter watching her from the tree across the way.. sitting lady-like on one of the higher branches...........

[Pan]

Loki flops on the bed of fallen leaves, staring at the pumpkins, gourds, and other festive autumn things on the altar. She smiles and stretches, letting the breeze wash over her.

"Ah.. another day at work. Slow so far and I wouldn't mind if it decided to stay that way. I think it's time for a few thanks," she says.

"Thank you, Loki, for bringing spice in my life.. you're the Old Bay seasoning of the Gods.. good in everything. You're the sunlight in my cloudy sky, no matter how cheesy that sounds.. with your periwinkle hair and your cat-like yellow eyes.. you inspire me moreso than any other God ever has. You inspire me to draw images of you with your floor-length hair... Loki, my God, thank you."

She smiles and closes her eyes, feeling Loki-God lay beside her, hands behind her head.

"Thank you, Demeter, for being the strict and sturdy stone in my life.. you're the cornerstone of my building blocks.. the foundation of me. You're the herbs in my garden of weeds, and that means so much to me... You give me the determination to grow my garden, to clean my house and keep it that way, and create delightful concoctions in the kitchen. With your grass-green dress.. Demeter, my Goddess, thank you."

Her eyes close again and she feels Demeter lay down on the other side of her, a small smile playing on her lips. Loki yawns and dozes between the Gods she so loves.. others looking in on them. Loki knows that other Gods are out there.. she feels a closeness to many of them..

"Thank you all for what you've done, both the good and the bad.. so mote it be."

[Pan]

Loki falls to her knees before the snow-covered altar, clad in midnight blue robes trimmed in white. Her hair is frosted like the pine boughs around her.. her hands clasped together in desperation.

"I've lost my way.. I've lost my path. I can't hear you anymore." Her voice is almost pleading.. lost and afraid. "I try to listen for your presence.. but I can't hear it. Have I gone deaf? Have I turned away from you?" She falls back on her rear, her hands supporting her, keeping her from falling the rest of the way.

"What can I do to get you back? To find the path that I've forgotten.. I'm stuck in this clearing with no way out. Everything is blocked. Everything is shaded and shadowed. I can't see.." She looks around and, indeed, all exits are blocked by thick copses of trees and undergrowth.. brush and thorns.

"Where can I go with no way to turn? What path am I to follow now? I've no motivation to study.. I've no one to talk about my path to. Does anyone care enough to listen? Anyone at all..."

She lays back in the snow, staring at the clouded sky. Not even the moon shines through the thick blanket that blocks out the night.. making it darker than the underground.

[Pan]

Loki sits up, pushing her hair from her eyes as it's getting longer week by week. She's more to say.. more to get off her chest and make known.

"I can remember you, Loki, when I recall the things we used to do. I can remember your voice, feel your arms around me in comfort.. I can almost see you dancing just outside my eyes. But when I look.. you're gone. I can't see you anymore... it's like you've fled me. Are you really gone?"

She moves to the altar, clearing away some of the snow to hunch over the stone. "Loki.. I don't want you to go.. I need you still with me. Loki.. don't leave me alone.." She slips to her knees, burying her face in her arms as her shoulders shake with wracking sobs.

She can almost feel a hand on her shoulder.. a whisper of a memory in her ear... ~It will be alright... dearest......~

"Loki.. don't leave me.. please.." She grips the sleeves of her robes, her tears making the snow turn to ice on the altar. She can almost feel fingertips through her hair.. but it's just the wind. She can almost feel the warmth of a friendly embrace.. but it's only her heart pounding in her chest. "I can't do this by myself..."

[Pan]

Loki watched the stars come out... the trees seeming to uproot themselves and move out of the way to reveal a path. Sitting up, she noticed a blue sphere in the center of the altar. It elongated and grew into the shape of a man with long, periwinkle hair.

"Loki..." she said, standing to shaky feet. "Loki!" She ran to him and embraced him, the God sitting on the altar to hug her like a father would.

She found her God again. Demeter came with him, watching off to the side. She was the silent sentinel.. the stone that the other would rely on.

[Pan]

Sitting on the altar, Loki watches the flurries flutter down about her, Loki-God seated beside her. The moon is half, maybe a little more, with the stars hidden behind the snowclouds pregnant with the white stuff.

"So much has been going wrong," Loki says softly, her breath coming out in puffs of warm steam. "Nothing is going right with that other computer.. and now my husband's game won't work right. The sound just goes insane." She closes her eyes and lowers her head. "I just wish there was something I could do to help.."

Loki-God hugs the girl beside him, laying a cheek against her head with a small sigh. ~I know you are upset.. please.. don't fret over it. It's a small thing and it will get better.~ His words are warm and meaningful.

"Even the small things can mount and be made big.."

[Pan]

Sitting on a fallen log, Loki stares at the sputtering candleflames on the altar of stone.

"I haven't written since January.. but you know I've been thinking about you." She stands and goes to the altar, putting her hands atop it, head bowed. "I feel badly for staying away for so long.. but I guess.. I don't really have an excuse.

"I'm still jobless, but I applied for two jobs and the hospital. I hope to get one of them. There's another thing.. something spiritual."

Turning around, Loki regards Loki-God and Demeter, a small smile coming to her lips. "It might be time to move on soon. Again. I do this annually so far, but I didn't think I would leave you two so soon. I know I can welcome Hestia into my life easily, while keeping you, Demeter, in my heart."

Demeter nods and puts her hands before her hips, clasped.

"But, Loki.." Her eyes flicker to the god, and he looks up from his crossed arms.. from drawing shapes in the dirt. "I don't know if I can move on from you yet."

Shaking his head, the god shakes loose his periwinkle hair. "You don't have to. I know who you'd be moving to.. Hades. Hades and I are much alike."

"But you know how I am. I can only have one."

"Silly notion! Silly pet peeve! Put it out of your head." He waves it off like so much a flock of butterflies.

"I.. don't think I can."

"THen you'll have to choose. Me or Hades. You can have both if you wanted. After all, you want to move your altar to the cedar chest. There's enough room for three or four of us there."

"I suppose." Loki shrugs and sits on the altar, swinging her feet. "We'll see what happens when I find somewhere for the wardrobe with the tv in it."

"Don't worry about it. The double-wide thing will work out. I promise."

[Pan]

"NO!" A voice rings out in the woods, the altar standing naked and bare.. not even a candle to grace it. "You will not do this to me. I have enough stress and I do not need this!"

The things that were once on the altar lay scattered in the clearing, the girl, Loki, breathing hard while glaring at the stone.

Loki-God stands behind her, unable to think of what to say or do. Demeter stands beside him, an old woman beside her, watching on.

"If he dies.. I'll blame you. I'll blame you all!" She spins and points at the gods, anger and bitterness in her eyes.

"You're just angry.. don't do this.." Loki-God's voice sounds so serene..

"Come to me, child." The old woman speaks, hunched over as she beckons Loki to her. The girl can't help but go.. tears pouring from her eyes as she falls to her knees. The old woman is short. Native American, too.

"I don't want him to die.. I don't want him to die.." She sobs into the old woman.

A warm breeze blows.

[Pan]

But he had died. The grandfather had died on that July 31st of 2003. But I had not blamed the gods. I had not thrust her hands up and forsaken them. I blamed the hospital ... the doctors. They never did find out what caused him to pass on. They had refused autopsy ... and that forced a lawsuit by the widow.

Had it really been so long since I'd written in this thing? Had it been so long since I'd visited the altar I'd set up in the forest of my subconscious? Almost a year ... almost a year! I had not writted a single thing to the gods in all of that time ... all of that long, dark time.

The altar has changed. It still rests within a copse of trees. It still lays dappled with springtime light. It still feels warm to the touch as I rest a hand upon it. But the decorations are different ... the beliefs have changed.

Feathers. White feathers tipped with silver line a black cloth on the top of the stone. A gold carduceus stands on the right side, a silver one on the left, candles before them. Other things are there, yes, before me on the black cloth. Candle holders of swirling designs ... of a sun. A bowl of water, my beloved athame and bolline. But to whom do these trinkets betray?

I stand there, smiling to myself, a faery statue at the mouth of the small gathering of trees, waiting to be greeted again and again. I turn around and come face-to-collarbone with a man. A white skirt he wears, with sandals. Wings on the sandals, and wings on his silver helm. He has deep brown eyes and wild chocolate curls, soft and silky to the touch. His skin is pale as the moonlight, his movements graceful as the wind itself. His staff is the carduceus ... wings upon it, too. Hermes, messanger of the gods.

My eyes move to a more tanned figure, clad in a burnished gold toga that drops to his thighs, crossed over his chest at an angle. He, too, wears sandals, but his hair is different. He, too, holds a carduceus, only gold and without wings. The symbol of medicine. His hair is short and bleached-by-the-sun blonde, lightly curly. His eyes are blue as the sky at midday, void of clouds and kissed with light. Apollo, god of healing and medicine ... music and the day.

So these are my friends. My mentors for a time. How long? I do not know even now. I only know I love them. And will cherish them forever. As I did Loki, Demeter, Airmed, and Pan.

[Pan]

Please just... give me strength. I can find a way to get money to pay off my debts, or at least get current on them. I can find a way to be happy... I just need the strength to do it. I'm so stressed out that I can't -do- this anymore. I can't sit back and claw my way at the wall with bloody fingertips anymore. I can't try and dig my way out, only to have more dirt thrown on top of me.

I feel like I'm being buried alive. I can't breathe, I can always feel my heart pounding in my chest. I have trouble sleeping, and I don't eat very often. I put off tasks that need to be done just because I can't will myself to get up anymore. I lay in bed for 12, 13 hours sometimes. I wander listlessly through the house as if trying to find meaning.

I need something.. someone to help me. Anything! Anyone! I just need help.

I can't do this alone anymore.

Not anymore.

[Pan]

I feel so clogged. I don't want to sleep, but I don't want to stay awake. I want to talk to someone, but I want to be silent. I want to listen to my music, but I don't want to hear any noise. I want to laugh at nothing, cry at everything, and scream until I lose my voice.

I feel so listless. I prayed for guidance and ... I get nothing. Just this overwhelming urge to become something else. Something stationary. Like a rock. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

I feel like I'm decaying. Why do I feel like I'm decaying?

[Pan]

Just give me strength.

[Pan]

My nightly prayer:

I thank you, God, for the lovely day you helped me to acheive.

Thank you so much for Genie. She showed me to a wonderful lady who helps me with my violin. She sent me to a guy my hubby knew in high school that can give me fiddle lessons. Thank you for showing me the way to Annie, and allowing my eyes to remain open.

Thank you for helping me to find the determination inside of myself to keep going, no matter how bleak something might seem. Thank you for helping me to refine my patience, though it wears thin sometimes.

Thank you for the wonderful day that I had, despite the small downs. There were more large ups, than there were small downs.

[Pan]

My morning prayer:

God, please help me to have a good day today. Please give me the strength, determination, will, and courage to make today a good day. Help me to make the right decisions and keep my eyes open and alert. Help me to strive for patience, since today seems like it'll be a busy day.

Please watch over my husband and myself as we go about our daily routines of work and sleep and all of that.

There are so many on MysticWicks that need comfort and love. Help me to extend that to them. Terestai, GraceCat, Sidhe and her son, and so many others. The list would be so long if I listed them all. Help me to be strong for them in case they need it.

[Pan]

Agh. Give me the strength to help myself get happy again.

I'm just feeling down and all that. :wah:

It'll come back up. Help me to help myself do just that. Go up the down staircase, as it were.