How did you Move On?

[Danustouch]

We've all been there. Some of us are there now. When your relationship ended, or ...as it's ending now.....how did you move on? What did you do, to help you get through it? I'd especially like to hear from people who have gone through divorce, or have lived with their ex-significant others. How did you leave? How did you get through the packing? Did you do it alone? What did you do, to stay strong, so your will didn't break, and you didn't back down? How did you keep yourself from racing back? How did you pack up all your memories?

[flar7]

hmmm. When my wife left me I went through many stages of
grief and separation. Severe sadness. Suicidal thoughts and
actions.(stopped by grace). Extreme business to divert mind,
except that at night was always confronted with it. Then finally
acceptance set in and I was able to begin living again. I developed
some bad habits, that are mostly gone now, thank God.

It was two years or more before I could remove my wedding ring.


There is no formula for this, it is meant to be hard. Each must
choose their own path and how to walk it. I wish my ex well in
her new life with my best friend and their child, and I am glad of
the years I had with her, and the fact that she is now gone. I
thank God for opening my eyes to love and bringing me to Freyja's
door. Perhaps, there is something better just waiting for us to
come to it!:)

[materra]

Try to not go thru it without the support of friends and family. It is hard to go it alone...you can do it...I did...but all deep and painful times are best done with the support of friends. Flar discribed his experience with grief and I must say I had a similar one without the suicidal issues; just grief stricken alternating with blaming. In the end, you grow in new ways, develop new coping skills and come thru to find new love. It takes time is all. If you can, get some counceling or a support group. I wish you well...hold your head up and keep moving forward. BB

[Tammy Sullivan]

Well, I cried for about a month straight, then I got mad, then I just got over it and moved on. I had to allow myself the luxury (yes, luxury) of the experience and emotions. It is ok to cry, be mad, and all that. Once I had moved on, as hard as it was, I have been able to enjoy what I do have more than I did before.

[Altheia]

I went through many many different emotions...i got really depressed and drowned myself in a bottle of liquor...not the best way to cope...but it was for me at the time. I had to find some way to numb myself or I would have cried myself to death. And that's normal to feel like that. Esp if you cared immensely for the person. I made sure that while I was coping with it, I had friends and family around...that works the best. Don't feel bad about feeling bad...seriously, if you try to hide it...it's not going to work...it's just going to make it that much more hard to deal with. No matter how much you think that you are over someone...there is always going to be something somewhere that reminds you of them...there's no way around that. It's something that I have learned to deal with...it's rough. But that's all of the advice I can really give/tell you without filling up a book...if you need anything just let me know...I'll be here for you. Don't worry about that. ;)

[Flar's Freyja]

The way I deal with this has changed quite a bit over the years. When my marriage of twelve years ended, things were very chaotic.....including that he was living three doors down from us with another woman and her children. It was six months before I could move, and although it was only 8 blocks away, it helped. When we got to the new house, I found that I had to go through all of our family pictures and I was glad that I had not disposed of them, because after that much time had passed it really didn't bother me to look at them. No matter how bad things had been, these were still memories and part of my life.

At that time, I was in a twelve-step program and that support helped a lot, in addition to support from other friends. It took several years for me to learn about myself and why I kept attracting abusive people......no further physical abuse occurred, but for the next 14 years I attracted emotionally abusive or unavailable people. During that first year, I saw a therapist who told me that I had to find happiness and security within myself and not look to someone else to provide it. She said that another person could enhance that, but would not be responsible for my happiness. I focused on this thought alot over the years and it was the best advice anyone ever gave me. During the first two years, I sometimes thought I would die of loneliness.....but once I got used to doing things to make myself happy I began to enjoy being single and really didn't want to live with anyone else! I became very spoiled with not having to answer to anyone, to finding my own interests and friends and enjoying myself without having to worry about whether my significant other would join me. As much as I love Flar and want to be with him all the time, I have had a slight struggle with this currently. He has broken through my trust issues and no one has ever been able to do that before. For various reasons, I am needing to also keep my house (my son will live here) and I admit that I feel more secure in having a place to go if things don't work out.

My last relationship was another one of these but he was a wonderful human being who had issues that he had no intention of working on. I broke up with him three times during the last year we were together (and after the first year, I had told him that I'd give him one more year to get over his past baggage - I ended up staying 3 1/2 years longer). I think that due to that, I was already prepared to be single again and I just focused myself on my work and my own future. During the last year we were together I had also pretty much given up on him and had started building my own social life and support network through the pagan community here, so I was actually pretty well established before we even broke up.

It helps to take time to grieve.....you may not even be grieving the loss of the actual person, but what you had hoped would be. Cry, rant, rave ~ appropriately, of course ~ because holding these things in and turning your emotions inward are a major cause of depression. It is far more healthy to allow yourself physical and emotional release.

We are here when you need us. Blessed Be.

Edited to fix a sentence that didn't make sense.....

[Old Witch]

I will always be here to listen.............

[SpikesPet5150]

It was incredibly difficult for me to leave my x husband, because I didn't have the support of my friends and family. I didn't know how to explain to them my feelings, I just knew I had to leave, there was something wrong and it was making me physically ill to be there. My family and friends thought I was crazy, heartless, stupid.... it was a very hard time. I told him I was leaving. I packed my stuff up and moved out. I told him I was leaving on Christmas Day. This was how bad the feeling was. I couldn't even stand to stay there through the holidays. 3 months later we were officially divorced. About 6 months after that, I found out he'd been cheating on me. Pretty much the entire time we were married (which was only 9 months). With a 15 year old.

The only thing that got me through it was the fact that I knew what I did was right for me. And when my friends/family learned about his cheating, they all apologized.. and that was nice. :)

It's still hard. I still see him sometimes. We have mutual friends and we run into each other at parties and whatnot. At first, I was angry. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him without wanting to kill him. But I've since moved on from the anger. I don't feel anything for him anymore. I don't feel sadness or anger. It's gotten to the point where I smile at him now, and mean it. I still don't care how he's doing, and I doubt I ever will... but I can remember him for the person he was when we first got together, and it makes me smile.
~Bree

[Yvonne Belisle]

After 3 divorces and the end of a long term relationship I still have no clue but if anyone needs an ear I am online as much as I can be right now email me and I will make time to be online for you.

[Rubi Waters]

not sure if I will help much....most of it is still a blur to me. I just did what i had to do to save myself.

I had a very abusive husband (mostly emotional but was starting to go physically abusive too). I just made a decision and slowly so he wouldn't notice, packed up a few things at a time. Untill the last straw hit, then i just filled my car with my belongings that would fit took my cats and left.

I went home to my parents (only place to go) which was very hard to do.
Even harder was that I didn't know he had been talking to them for a while and had them believing bad stuff about me. My own family.......yes that part still hurts 9 years later. (they have never appologized to me for it ..even when they found out everthing he said about me was actually about him)

You just do what you have to and get through it. There is a light at the end of the dark, dank tunnel. It is a brand new life. (I know sounds hoaky but if thinking that will help do it, that's one thing that helped me).

[Radocs]

I went to work and spent time with my friends there, listened to happy music (Flogging Molly) and played lots of video games.

That was the most recent one.

The one before that I just got drunk a lot. :P

[Flar's Freyja]

Also, I highly recommend reading Iyanla VanZant's "In The Meantime" when you're ready. Her philosophy is that each relationship is a learning experience on our journey and is preparing us for the next step, finally leading us to that perfect love.

As Flar said, there is a better love for you.

[Semele]

Danus,
I am sorry, I have no experience to draw on and share advice...only hugs to offer. I hope for the easiest transition possible for you both. Love ya!

[WandererInGray]

*soft smile and hugs*
I too don't have any experience to draw on for advice, so I'll just offer my support and sympathy.

I am here if you need me.

[Azure]

My last truly bad break up was several years ago - and it was colored by the fact that not only was the break up itself ugly, but my former significant other decided to talk about me behind my back, and say outrageous things, that damaged me for years. I lost many friends because of his lies, and it took me awhile to realize they weren't friends I wanted to have.

But for myself, I have to admit, as miserably hurt as I was, I found rebound boy a month later and pretty much had a fun and non-meaningful relationship that lasted for a few months, after which, I was emotionally much healthier.

All the damage was caused by my ex's bad behavior.

But I can say, painful as it was, that if I hadn't broken up with him, I'd never be as happy as I am now - having found someone who is incredibly right for me, and me for him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it just feels awful - but remember you have a lot of people here who are willing to listen when you need it.

[Nissala]

Danu, since I am in a similar situation I can understand what you are going through. I have had to leave my situation once before and am in the process of repeating my past. The way I got through it before was to busy myself. I also have the benefit of almost grown children and grandchildren to keep me busy. The thing that helped me the most was to enjoy my life, do things I could not do while I was with him, to think only positive thoughts and exercise daily (which is hard to do when one is depressed, but one finds out it helps after they force themselves to get out and do it!). Smile, keep a positive attitude and if it was meant to be, it will work out somehow, someway...if it wasn't , one must be ready to face the world with a smile and a laugh. There is always a rainbow if one looks in the right direction.

and as Greta wrote allow yourself to feel the emotions, cry, get mad, pitch a fit, break something...don't bottle up your emotions.
I cried off and on for over a month, got mad (when I read my diary and wondered why I was crying after all) then just went on with life, knowing that one day everything will be alright.

If you need an ear, email or pm me. I am here for you.

In love and light,
Nissala

*edited for spelling*

[Cinnamon Girl]

Danus, I'm sorry for the turmoil you are going through. Although I haven't gone through a divorce, I have been through a messy breakup with a long-term SO. I can't offer any better advice than has already been given.

But I too, am here if you ever need someone to talk to. *hugs*

[Jenett]

One of the things that really helped me was going and doing stuff (even just little stuff) that my ex at that time hadn't enjoyed/wanted me to do/given me some grief over.

It was very liberating to say "Ok, I'm going to go do X now, and I don't have to answer to anyone for wanting to do it."

I watched movies he hadn't liked. I listened to music he hadn't cared for. I spent a lot of time curled up in bed reading mindcandy books. I went to a talk by one of my favorite authors more or less on a whim. I cooked food I liked and he hadn't. I made plans with friends.

Part of the problem in that relationship was that while he wasn't directly telling me I couldn't do stuff, he'd get grumpy and annoyed if I wanted to do certain things, or in certain ways. So reclaiming the "I'm going to do this now 'cause I want to." was very helpful.

In my current relationship (approaching a year of marriage), there isn't the same sense, but there are still some things I save for when my husband's not around, just because they're not things he's fond of (movies, music, etc.) and I get plenty of time to listen/watch those things when he's doing something else. So I suspect this'd be useful for most relationships ending.

[shnen]

Hmmm.. well I ended it with 2 ex fiances...
the first one I was with for about 5 years, and we were to be wed a year after I broke up with him...
I cried, and cried a lot, but realized that it wasn't what I wanted in my life. I think the bigget thing was coming to the realization that I had simply grown comfortable, and stable, and didn't want to turn my world upside down... but once I did it, there was no turning back. My friends and family were wonderful and supportive, they all said it was nice to have the "old shannon" back :)

after the first one the second one was easier to come to the realization... kinda like.. oh yeah, I've done this before, felt liek this before.. etc.

and I thank the Goddess I did, because I found her, found all of you at MW and have found a wonderful man in my life :)

[Annika]

One day at a time. For today, all you have to do is get through today.

I've never been divorced, but I've experienced breaking up with three live-in boyfriends, two of which I was engaged to. Accepting that it is a difficult time and knowing that it's ok to feel hurt, angry, and sadness actually helped me cope. And one thing I've learned through these experinces is that even if the relationship fails, it doesn't mean that you're a failure or that you didn't do the right things. Sometimes people just don't mesh.

And one day when you least expect it, the pain you've been so accostomed to for so long, will no longer be there.

[Maggie]

Originally posted by Danustouch
We've all been there. Some of us are there now. When your relationship ended, or ...as it's ending now.....how did you move on? What did you do, to help you get through it? I'd especially like to hear from people who have gone through divorce, or have lived with their ex-significant others. How did you leave? How did you get through the packing? Did you do it alone? What did you do, to stay strong, so your will didn't break, and you didn't back down? How did you keep yourself from racing back? How did you pack up all your memories?

I've been divorced and it was messy. The marriage was emotionally abusive, and in some senses physically. When we went through counselling I found out that he had not really even wanted to marry me but had let his family talk him into it. This after 17 years of marriage! I was pretty much a basket case by then and it wasn't TOO hard to decide that it couldn't be worse without him than with him. He left--but he only took what he wanted and left the rest for me to sort out. I even ended up being the one to take what clothes he didnt' want to the Salvation Army! Sorta kept the reasons I was glad he was gone right in front of me! I also had physical custody of our two children and so they were the reason to keep going. In my case I had absolutely no desire to go back to him at all, and the kids were much happier visiting with him rather than living with him. Memories? I dealt with them by looking ahead. Since I was absolutely determined NOT to end up a classic broken home family, as time went on I made the gift of what good memories there were to the kids and shared pictures, jewelry, etc out to them. I got rid of them but let them go to what were his kids too, and so they ended up being good after all.

I remarried five years later, a man who had also been married before. He and I worked out the last of our scars together and these days I replace those memories with *our* memories.

Regards,

Maggie

[Flar's Freyja]

Bump for GDA

[AmbivalentMirage]

I'm a little late, but hey... ;)

I used a lot of meditation and spent plenty of time in prayer after my last relationship. It as a hard break up, and very messy. I casted a "memory release" spell (see the magick forum), and it helped me to let go of the final emotional ties to objects, songs, etc... but I spent a lot of time in deep thought, preparing myself to move on with my life.

*is so excessively pensive* :rolleyes:

[StormChaser]

I spent 3.5 years dating my ex fiance, with multiple break ups and getting back together...either together or apart, it was that relationship that governed my every action. I had known him about 4 years prior to dating.. so the loss was a loss of a friend, as well as someone who i loved.. also the first person I dated- first pretty much everything and vice versa. So it was a heavy relationship with heavy reprecussions, the break up- the last break up- was horrific. A lot of hate filled words and actions, a lot of pushing the buttons on each other we knew would break the other down.

Over the next year I guess we both internalized. My emotions went from desperation, hurt, angst, rage, denial, loss, regret, understanding, forgiveness, reparation.

What did i do? I wrote a lot of poetry, I talked to the people I could, a lot of people didn't like that relationship. I would do what I could to lift my spirits. I would cry, I would scream. But to get over- i had to cut contact. I also had to allow myself to see my mistakes and, while not 'look' for love, not 'deny' love. Which was harder than it sounds. In so doing I found new friends, and new 'potentials'.

A year and some later after 'the breakup' we started talking civilly breaking matters down- we've become better friends to each other. It still hurts to think on the past.. but both of us have very "lion king" mentalities on it.

"the past can hurt, but you can either run from it or learn from it". Having safely disarmed each other, now we help each other in new endevors. We bring out the best and the worst together when involved.. we call things like we are as friends... the latter is a wonderful thing. We've come to accept each other to be who we are- in so doing- we see each other without funny colored glasses or mirrored distortion. - Love didn't die, it merely changed.
Upon that realization all crying ceased.

[VallaAnarchDeSade]

I haven't move don

its been a year and a half since her.....and numerous women later



I haven't been able to stop thinking....stop tasting her kiss...feeling her embrace..

what do I do..to lighten that load

I drink...

[Flaire-FireStar]

I haven't managed to, nor do I want to. I want to keep everything as normal as it was when he was still alive, even though it's killing me to do so.

I had made so many promises to myself before we became close. I broke those promises. Now I've made them again, and this time, I want to keep them. To be fair to him.

(see final sig line) I don't want to move on.........

[VallaAnarchDeSade]

~hands a rose to her~

I'm sorry for your loss

[Flaire-FireStar]

It's alright, Valla.....

[VallaAnarchDeSade]

the gal I love is knocke dup by my brother....

[Flaire-FireStar]

That's gotta be tough. :dis:

[Darkrose360]

Im trying to recover from a very painful situation as well.I have no advice as I have'nt quite figured out how to deal with the ever present pain.But I will offer you a hug too.Sometimes hugs help when words fail.@--->----

[IsisErin]

It feels like this thread was bumped for me....

I'm going out with a lovely guy and I'm happy with him, but my ex-boyfriend has just told me that he has a girlfriend.

I know I should be fine with this, but I'm not, I don't know why.

This ex-boyfriend and I only split because I was moving away, we promised each other we'd always be best friends and every time I get drunk I end up telling my girlfriends that 'Fraser and I are going to get back together and get married before we're old and grey...' I'm a little jealous of this girl - I miss Fraser lots.

But really, the main reason I'm so racked off about all this is that Fraser will not tell me who she is. He's always so open with me and I'm sure she's lovely. If he's just trying to make me jealous by keeping her identity from me - it's working!

Oh well, this is IsisErin's whine and moan for the day.