rootwork13
September 22nd, 2002, 06:19 AM
I am in a better place, a better space, and I give thanks.
I am still unsure. Instead of the burning pain of fear and dread, there's just..nothing here. I give thanks. I don't know what any of this means, not that I ever did, but I feel more clueless now than I did 9 years ago.
If the problem is my 'placidity', or lack thereof, let me know. If the problem is my ego, you know I'll work on that issue. If I am in any way my own stumbling block, please let me know. If indeed there are no stumbling blocks, no real blocks at all, and this journey is all about heading out and away, let me know.
And if the problem is that I'm not listening, yell louder. I'm listening but hearing nothing now except the steady thud of my blood pressure in my ears. If there is no 'problem', if all of this is just as it needs to be right now, I do need the reassurance. I may be under the jello in the bottom of the bowl again, but I can still FEEL 'deadend'.
You have tried to teach me patience and acceptance, honesty and conviction. I have tried to learn. But as the leaves turn again and the fragments still float in front of my face when I try to sleep, I wonder. No. Nope. No pain. Just those damn clumps of jello over me. With this Moon I release all I've asked for, you know what I'm willing to do to make this work. I know we haven't come this far just to get flung down in the mud.
Your blessings have been and still are prolific, and I thank you. I may be under the jello, but I realize your presence. I guess I just don't 'feel' right.
I am still unsure. Instead of the burning pain of fear and dread, there's just..nothing here. I give thanks. I don't know what any of this means, not that I ever did, but I feel more clueless now than I did 9 years ago.
If the problem is my 'placidity', or lack thereof, let me know. If the problem is my ego, you know I'll work on that issue. If I am in any way my own stumbling block, please let me know. If indeed there are no stumbling blocks, no real blocks at all, and this journey is all about heading out and away, let me know.
And if the problem is that I'm not listening, yell louder. I'm listening but hearing nothing now except the steady thud of my blood pressure in my ears. If there is no 'problem', if all of this is just as it needs to be right now, I do need the reassurance. I may be under the jello in the bottom of the bowl again, but I can still FEEL 'deadend'.
You have tried to teach me patience and acceptance, honesty and conviction. I have tried to learn. But as the leaves turn again and the fragments still float in front of my face when I try to sleep, I wonder. No. Nope. No pain. Just those damn clumps of jello over me. With this Moon I release all I've asked for, you know what I'm willing to do to make this work. I know we haven't come this far just to get flung down in the mud.
Your blessings have been and still are prolific, and I thank you. I may be under the jello, but I realize your presence. I guess I just don't 'feel' right.