View Full Version : We nearly don't exist!

August 31st, 2008, 04:31 AM
Needless to say, my husband's parents don't approve of me. We aren't sure what all the reasons are, but we know a couple.

I started writing a long explanation, but will leave that alone. Basically, their main reasons for not approving is simply because I have a food allergy (though one of their daughters has the same allergy!) and because I am younger than my husband (and they thought there was an even larger age gap because I look younger than my age... didn't matter that we told them a few times how old I was before I finally called them on that behavour. I was 28... they were treating me like I had barely turned 20). Funny thing is, the phone conversations and the first time we met for a several day trip were great. The second trip, they were determined to break my husband and I up (we were dating at the time) from the very beginning. My husband was actually happy I was there because he said they would have been worse if I wasn't. I can't imagine that. Long story.

Anyways, I've since become a ghost. (And have been compared to cooked liver. Fun, no?) They don't talk about me or ask about me, we don't send pictures with me in them, and so on. The closest they got to asking about me was when his mother blamed me for our baby's gender (she wanted a grand-daughter). What?!? Anyways, after the birth, they didn't ask and he didn't mention.

The part that gets to me is that they treat my son like he's a ghost too. They barely showed interest in their other grandson, but at least they were a little more involved. Perhaps if my baby were a girl, my MIL would be a little more involved (she really wants a grand-daughter), but as it stands his mother shows little interest. She's less than the bare minimum. It's insulting to me and my husband. His father is a bit more interested... he at least sent an email asking how fatherhood is treating my husband. He never replied back to my husbands response (with baby pictures included).

It's heartbreaking. I almost want to contact them to try to smooth things over, but that's not my place. They would twist it anyways and try to find something in there to hate more.

I wish I knew what the heck? Why would my age and food allergy be so offensive to them... especially when I'm the one supporting their son and grandson financially, am making their son happy (and definitely treating him better than his ex-wife did), and was respectful to them. What the heck happened between the first visit and the second that made them so determined to try to break us up the moment we got off the plane at the airport we all were meeting at.

Ah well... my son has more than enough family just on my side, and we definitely don't treat people like my husband's do, family or no! (My husband actually asked me if my mother would adopt him after that second visit with his family. Heh!)

It's laughable to us... even though it hurts the both of us in different ways.

(I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if they learned my spiritual path, or if they knew we were engaged, or if they knew I was pregnant during that second trip... even though his mother tried scaring me out of the relationship by talking heavily about how I'll have to bear her a grand-daughter. As far as they knew, we had only barely started dating, though we had dated for quite a bit longer... so it obviously didn't work.)

August 31st, 2008, 04:43 AM
I can't imagine these people's problems start and end with you.. the fact they largely ignore the cousin confirms this... these people are obviously screwed up... don't personalize.. really really try not to.


August 31st, 2008, 04:51 AM
Yeah, they have issues and I try not to take it personally and brush it all off. My husband used to be very close to his family and I hate that I'm the catalyst to the rift between them. He says he doesn't even recognize them. Like they are different people wearing his family's skin.

August 31st, 2008, 04:59 AM
isn't that bazzaire and sad... but don't let yourself wear it... that's too much to take the blame for

how much oldr is your hubby? I ask because mine is 16 years my senior and I went through SOME of the same shit.

August 31st, 2008, 05:13 AM
Twelve and a half years older. I was 28 at the time and he was 41. I'd think we were both old enough to be considered adults. :eyez:

August 31st, 2008, 05:23 AM
yeah... I was 28 when i met my hubby too.. and I felt like his mom was judging me... she certainly seemed to think I was a 'trophy wife." and a whore.. which was really hard and insulting to take... specially as I am not a flashy long fingernails, used to dance in Vegas, popping gum and chain smoking sort of girl...

It took a long time for us to be friends she was EXCEEDINGLY rude initially and I think she thought 28 was 18 in that she thought I was really going to be intimidated by her rudeness.

August 31st, 2008, 10:47 AM
Tanya is right, Mankycat, and I second the observation that a lack of approval is one thing, but to decide to ignore you is another! And then your prodigy, too. These people have some real issues. At least they could discuss with you what they are really worried about, disturbed by, etc. so that the cards would be on the table for you and your husband and son. Sometimes when people communicate even angrily, they will still difficult to interact with, but they would be able to act with you as a whole family at some level. Which I suspect they some how instinctively understand, and then they just like not dealing with the issues, which is highly disfunctional of them. It means they are just walking away. I don't know how you can do this to a son, and his wife and child, but they are doing it. Don't waste your time on putting together why. Just care for each other, your little unit, and then let the elders go, because it's apparently what they want, anyway.

Sun Sprite
August 31st, 2008, 11:32 AM
I understand how you feel to some degree. My husband's parents were once the same way. He is nine years older than me, and my health was rock bottom when we first started dateing. I was unable to have kids, thorugh no fault of my own.

Finally, after six years, my mother-in-law is starting to try a little harder. It's tough. Her younger sister, (the aunt we spend the most time with, more than his parents) just went thorugh a divorce, so she is trying a little harder.

We just realized a month or so ago - I had nothing to call her. She had never let me know whether I was supposed to call her by her first name, last name, or what.

However, that's the truth - it takes both to want to build a relationship, and if they have no interest - then find someone else who can be as family for you. I have no family - other than those of my husband's family we are close to.

Best wishes,
Sun Sprite

August 31st, 2008, 12:11 PM
At least they could discuss with you what they are really worried about, disturbed by, etc. so that the cards would be on the table for you and your husband and son.

When my husband told them I was pregnant, his mother's reaction was, "Oh God, V!" in a very disappointed "what were you thinking" tone of voice. They also made sure to tell him repeatedly that babies are expensive. Uhm... what are we supposed to do, get an abortion?!? Give it up for adoption?!? I don't think so! What the heck were they thinking! It runs so deep that he felt uncomfortable telling them and his siblings when our son was born (except the one sister that I adore... who is also the black sheep in the family). It's sad that this has all happened. Doesn't look like it will change, so I try to accept it. Sometimes I think if I write them, maybe that would help, but our experience is that it won't on SO many levels (his mother likes to twist words to the point that 90% of what she tells others we said isn't what we said. There's just enough truth for them to possibly believe what she says.

Oh well. Life goes on, right? I just hate that my husband isn't as close with his family as he once was. It was heartbreaking to see how it was all affecting him.

August 31st, 2008, 12:13 PM
However, that's the truth - it takes both to want to build a relationship, and if they have no interest - then find someone else who can be as family for you. I have no family - other than those of my husband's family we are close to.

That is so hard! I mean, at least I have my family... and boy they more than make up for the lack on my husband's family's side. I can't imagine how much harder it is for you.