Hurting.

[Graelwyn]

deleted. sounded like a 2 yr old.

[GEBS]

big :hugz:

I wish you would find someone that is better able to deal with your issues. His own issues are not making things any easier.

I don't know what else to say. My head is cloudy from being sick. I'm sorry I'm no help tonight. I did want to offer hugs and support though.

[Graelwyn]

Thanks GEBS, get well soon.
I know, I had hoped... and I am left thinking, maybe I should give up altogether on the idea of being with someone as I know my issues will never 100% leave me.
I am now left doing my head in, thinking this is my fault...that I made him this way...that he is trying to please me so much now that he is resenting me for it. But is it my fault if he gave it all, and did not hold back any for himself ? or if he didn't make his own needs clear, denying he needed this, needed that etc when I asked?
Someone else accused me of making them my slave before, because they felt they had to be with me all the time etc...same person lied to me very elaborately in order to keep me happy, so they said, only the lie was kept going to the point they claimed they were boarding a plane here.
Do I just keep meeting men with co dependency issues or something? Who get their own happiness through trying to make others happy or trying to 'heal' them?

It just seems that lately, all he does is throw back at me all he has done for me, as if he did it against his wishes and resents that he did it. Fact is, I never demanded he buy this, do that. Sure, at times I have hurt myself or overdosed when he tried to simply walk out after we disagreed, offering no reassurance etc, and yes, he knows when we are apart that I like to have regular reassurance and he seemed happy to give that.

So now I am left confused and to be honest, this has hurt me so often, I am almost immune to caring like I did. Only good thing I suppose... some defence mechanism kicks in and I no longer OD or cut when this happens. I see no point.

I doubt he will contact me again anyway since he took his things away with him. And since when he came to check if I was back home, I had put the chain on the door so he couldn't get in.

[CzechWoods]

i dont know what to add, that i hadnt told you in chat.

maybe to do the list thing: yays amd nays. than go for what feels right

[Garnet Heart]

Just a thought, but could the correspondence via text message be causing misunderstandings? I'll preface this by saying that I'm not a text person at all. I send maybe 5 texts a month.

But it seems to me like a very limited form of communication. You can only get one sentence or two across at a time and of course since it's just a few words on a screen, you miss all sorts of things like body language, tone of voice, etc. that might give you a better idea of how a person is really feeling. Maybe a phone call would be better? Or of course, maybe it wouldn't. It's just a thought.

Whatever the case, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had some pretty deep insecurities in the past, but things seem to have gotten better over the years. Perhaps you'd be much happier with someone who doesn't require so much space and whose idea of a good time is spending time at home together...or away from home together. There are these types of guys out here, and you shouldn't be hurting like this :hugz:

[GEBS]

Only good thing I suppose... some defence mechanism kicks in and I no longer OD or cut when this happens. I see no point.


Good for you!! That's good progress. I'm proud of you.



I doubt he will contact me again anyway since he took his things away with him. And since when he came to check if I was back home, I had put the chain on the door so he couldn't get in.


I am also proud you put the chain on. That's another step in the right direction.


Whatever happens, you are going to make it through this. You have plenty of support here. We all want to see you happy.

[Graelwyn]

No, often texting does cause misunderstandings, but he calls as well (when I feel safe to answer).

I resent that he not only turned up and confronted me when it was something so petty, but also that he turned up having had alcohol when he knows I dislike that.

And I am now left struggling to not place the blame entirely on myself and beat myself up for it all.

Because I am well aware I have issues and can need a lot of reassurance on certain things, and that I react badly to any sign of abandonment.

But by the same token, he has from the beginning tried to be everything to me, tried to do everything for me, then become full of resentment at his worry for me, and lately, full of resentment for doing so much for me and yet, my still getting angry and upset when he does something to upset me, accusing me of using him like a glove puppet.

Doesnt help someone I had an online relationship with claimed he was my slave also and had the same angry reactions later on, as if I make these people give their all and sacrifice their all for me...surely that indicates they are co dependent and have their own issues?

In the end, I am the one who suggested we have a night apart each week, even knowing it is hard for me. He has consistently denied he needs time away from me etc. The decision to spend tonight together was a mutual thing, and I am just devastated that something I see as so trivial, has spiralled so out of control...suddenly, the fact I might be hurt if he were to go swimming and not offer for me to join him...my admission of this, has been turned into me taking away his freedom...incidentally, he has admitted himself that before meeting me, all he did was sit in his room drinking heavilly and watching DVDs. How does that constitute freedom ?

[Teresa]

If you two do go your different ways may I suggest that you take some time to work thru a few things with yourself. IMO, and please do not take this the wrong way. You need to make peace with yourself and learn to love yourself flaws and all knowing that you have a plan in place to make baby steps towards your innermost personal goals. These are stepping stones that you can use to show you are making progress and celebrate along the way.

People have to learn to be happy with themselves first before they can truely be happy with someone that compliments them. You have to become complete inside and out in order to do this. I am not trying to sound mean or anything but You have enough on your plate right now making peace with yourself.

I wish you much success and will send you what i can in positive energies to help along the way. Know that there are people here that are concerned and do care about you as a person and aren't afraid to tell you how they see things as a mere bystander. :hugz:

[Graelwyn]

Eh, I sent texts laying my cards on the table and suggesting that either he accept he has issues of his own and work on them, and deal with disagreements in a more adult way- ie-discussing them in a calm and non confrontational way...or that he let me have the keys to my apt back that he still has. I have now suggested twice he return them and he has failed to give any response or action. That makes me angry as I find that selfish, gutless and immature. It takes little to simply say 'I got your messages and need time to think' or 'I will return your keys tomorrow'. Instead, no contact at all. And quite frankly, I have told him I cannot be with someone who will just cut off contact like that.

My problem is rage... I am experiencing intense rage that I feel like directing at myself as I feel like it is always all my fault...that I am flawed/damaged/useless as a lover/destined to always be alone... I feel bitter, I feel rage at God, as I feel God does this to mock me and rub it in my face that I am an incomplete human being and therefore do not deserve love or a loving relationship. That is how I think. It makes me bitter towards others as well. And makes me think, 'why bother seeking help now? There is no point. Safer to just accept I shall always be single...and to shut down any emotions that might make me fall for anyone or need anyone in my life again.'

[Teresa]

My problem is rage... I am experiencing intense rage that I feel like directing at myself as I feel like it is always all my fault...that I am flawed/damaged/useless as a lover/destined to always be alone... I feel bitter, I feel rage at God, as I feel God does this to mock me and rub it in my face that I am an incomplete human being and therefore do not deserve love or a loving relationship. That is how I think. It makes me bitter towards others as well. And makes me think, 'why bother seeking help now? There is no point. Safer to just accept I shall always be single...and to shut down any emotions that might make me fall for anyone or need anyone in my life again.'

I know I am beating a dead horse into the ground by saying this but still feel it needs to be said. Take this time and work on YOU! You do not always have to be alone.

I was in a domestic violence relationship for 7 long years of hell. After I got out of that it took me 7 years to get myself into shape to even think about a successful relationship with someone else. A few more years to get my nerve up to go out with someone. To ME there is no point in going through countless relationships that I know are destined to fail because I am being stubborn or lazy and do not wish to work on my own issues first.

It doesn't have to take you forever. It does not mean you can not have a good relationship. It does not mean you do not deserve one. You can be mad at Your God, but when things settle down and you take an inventory, just set up an action plan on how to work on your issues when you do choose to face them and wish to climb out of the hole.

By the way, I am saying this as a friend, do not do anything to harm yourself or sabotage yourself. Place more value on Yourself than that and do not look for comfort in a bottle, or in food, or drugs etc. You can come to terms with any issues you have and learn how to work with them if you decide to do so or you can wallow in self pity and hurt and be mad at the world and nothing gets accomplished. The end choice is up to you and you alone.

You will have support here and I hope you are not offended by my bluntness. I DO care about you as a person and I do not want you to ever think something is HOPELESS because IT IS NOT!

[iceskater12]

Hugs and support for you. :hugz:

My theory is all men are idiots, but I would say if it's meant to be then you and him will work it all out. If it's not than it was neither of your faults, you just weren't meant to be together.

I wish I had more advice, but I'm still trying to get my guy to talk to me or let me end it with a little bit of dignity. :smile:

I'll light a candle for both of us. :)

[Graelwyn]

Thanks.

[Darkest Eve]

:hugz:

I think I agree with GEBS on this one. I'd like to see you find someone who makes you happy and not constantly worried/frustrated/emotional/paranoid/angry.....

[Graelwyn]

Too late for that now.,

[Darkest Eve]

Never too late hon. :hugz:

[Graelwyn]

post deleted for discretion,.

[Invidosa]

Too late for that now.,

No honey, not too late, never too late. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like you can control whom you fall in love with. Trust me, (you have been there through some of my recent crap) And I'm sure that if this relationship does not work out you will have learned some very very valuable things from it.

but don't make the mistake of thinking you deserve to be unhappy.

You deserve someone in your life who can accept you and the work that you need to do for yourself.

You deserve someone who is willing to work with you on your problems and accomodate you to a reasonable degree.

You deserve someone who will help you to feel safe and loved.

You deserve someone who facilitates your joy in life and in yourself and your relationship.

You deserve all of these things and more.

I don't know your guy outside what I have read of him, so maybe he is entirely able to be and give you all you deserve, maybe not right now, I have no idea, thats your analysis and choice to make.

but don't for a second think that you deserve to be unhappy, or that its too late for you to find happiness. I'm around if you need an ear.

[AlorelithRose]

All I have to say is that the right man for you will accept you flaws and all. If he isn't willing to grow up then its time for you to move on. Just know there is someone out there waiting to love you.

[Graelwyn]

deleted. talking solves nothing.,