The Roots of my Trees

[greenwitch]

I sit beneath you. Breathe, stretch, breathe, think. I know that though i am separate we are the same. Although your roots go much deeper than mine, stronger than mine, and quite more invincible, than mine.

Goddess of the Hunt, Diana, I pray to you again. After so long I've been dead and cold to my own heart, my own yearnings and needs. I ask that I be forgiven, that I have the strength to forgive myself for my own harsh neglect. I let my self-loathing attach itself to my heart, sucking me dry of my own ability to love- myself and others.

Diana, Great Strength,

Grant be the firm grasp to guide my weaknesses, my fears, to turn them into ghosts.

Grant me the Strength to see my own beauty, my own power within my thoughts, to look in the mirror and see someone capable.


Grant me the strength to forgive, myself and others, to start anew.


blessed be.

[greenwitch]

I sit here drowning in my lack of patience. though I know that love knows no bounds, and it does crazy silly stupid and amazing things to someone....

I'm being honest when I say that I could shove a hunk of coal up his butt and a diamond would pop out an hour later.... in theory at least.

please grant me the patience to keep my promises to him, to be able to love him as unconditionally as I have- without difficulty- until now. My heart will give me no other option but to keep fighting, I just need to allow myself room to be patient too.

[greenwitch]

Thank You. :thumbsup:

[greenwitch]

I always speak too soon, I'm afraid.
What is that I'm doing wrong?
Am I doing anything right?
There is always something... always something I could do better or less of or more of or not at all or do this differently....
nothing ever good enough.

is it possible to love someone too much? Perhaps in my naivety I let myself fall too hard... too fast.... but I swear there are moments where my veins burst into flames when he looks at me... when he touches me.... the way we seem to just melt. where we simply can't get close enough when physically and anatomically speaking it's just not possible to get closer.... In all my boastful independence and capability of caring for myself I feel now that I could not live without him.... I wouldn't know how to breathe.


is it possible that someone, may be purposely preventing themselves from truly loving the other? He is so hesitant. I explained my feelings for him in an attempt to get him to understand that certain circumstances wouldnt be possible for me.... and he unmistakably said it was a lot. almost too much. How is it that these feelings could not be mutual? Everyone loves differently and I understand that.... but I so desperately love him.... my appetite for him is insatiable. physically mentally emotionally.....


I am sitting here confused and trapped by my feelings and his. they are so different entirely and it's breaking my heart that the severity of my love for him is not reciprocated... and I fear it never will.

[greenwitch]

I shall never love another as I did him.

My heart has died, the most tragic death of all

I gave him everything Goddess, every part of me.
So that now I am empty, I am cold, and I am a tear soaked corpse.
My world was so full of him, everything I held so close,
So dear. And now I have but memories to remind me that I can no longer hold him close
I cannot kiss him
I cannot hold his hand.
Every room in here smells of him
The air tastes of our long lost laughter and love

I faithfully gave him my heart.
And I shall not ever have one again.
I have nothing left to give but time.
I cannot take the pain of another fall.
This one, I shall not 'get over'
Time can't heal this one, I'm afraid.

My heartbeat has vanished. I have no pulse.
I have an empty chest and swollen tears.
That is all that remains of the girl I was yesterday.

I have died of a broken heart.
To walk the earth as dead.

[greenwitch]

As I am hollow and void, I can still breathe.
Air still passes through my lungs out of necessity.
Instead of the pain I felt but a few days ago, I now feel nothing

I have become impossibly numb, and I thank you for this.

[greenwitch]

I woke up today without having to remind myself to hold it together.
My dreams and nightmares were more real than they've ever been, depicting all the words and feelings thrown at me like sharp and heavy objects, projectiles of destruction aiming for the spot in my chest.... I remember it feeling so full once...


today was different. I didn't wake up screaming or crying.... terrifying my dear friend that I was being masacred on her couch.... I opened my eyes quietly, still able to feel the pain of an open wound with salt poured in it. But empty enough not to care, or growing used to it I guess. whichever works.


I do not know how to heal from this... catastrophe.
I can think of no greater form of torture or pain, physical or otherwise that would amount to this. Perhaps I am naive.

I filter down through my roots.... desperate for the cool clingy protectiveness of the soil I am so weakly growing in.... and I pray for strength, I pray for healing.... I stretch toward the moon for my lullaby's and the sun for warmth to touch me deep enough that it might linger for a while.....

[greenwitch]

he would've been so perfect
so beautiful.
my little baby...
I saw this little dark dot on the monitor about the size of my thumb
and the fluttering of a humming birds wings echoed off the walls

this was all before you were ripped right out of me.
my little baby.
I can see you now in my head
you would've suffered with my own crazy dark curls...
you would've been fair, like your father... with his eyes...
freckles.

I can see you.

and the only thing I can tell you is that you were started with so much love, and for the week I knew of your existence I loved you secretly, even I didn't know how I felt... until after you were gone.
my baby, my baby, I'm so sorry...

my heart with ache for you forever. i will never be the same, now that I know I wont have you.


Oh goddess, this ache!
I feel like I've gone against the laws of nature, everything in me that commands WOMAN! every part of my being that began to change for this little beating in my stomach. And now I've gone and denied the life of a creature that would've been only too beautiful, and too perfect. He would've been everything. Goddess please forgive me I was given this chance, this gift of innocence and perfection and I being the coward that I am denied such a thing to be a part of my life... and now I hurt for it. I yearn for it. always.

[greenwitch]

he's in my dreams now.
I learned to push past all the remorse, all the hatred for myself after last wednesday...
after the actual act of denying life.
I haven't had a decent nights sleep since then.
every night, I wake up sweating, crying, unable to break past how much it killed me to kill him.
His eyes linger. I see them every night, in the midst of restless sleep, so innocent, and yet so accusing. So full of hope and life, and yet they kill me so to see. what am I going to do?
how am I ever going to forgive myself?

[greenwitch]

Breathe. peace. Breathe. peace. Breathe. peace

With each beat of my heart I grant myself the serenity to be.
With each breath I allow myself to forgive my flaws and mistakes, to allow peace.

With every step, I am breaking down barriers and moving forward, without looking back, without regret.

With each word that is spoken, I speak the truth in efforts to love wholly and fully.


With each tick of the clock I am cherishing moments that are past, and looking forward to joyous memories to come.

With each rise of the sun, I am thankful for another day, another chance.

With every moon filled sky, I am washed in the cool forgiving light in the dark.

breathe, breathe. breathe, breathe.

and on this day I allow myself to be forgiven, and forgiving.
To bear no grudges against myself or others,
to allow love and light to filter through all that I do
With bright eyes I move forward. So be it.