Ball-Bhreac Ròn
October 1st, 2002, 03:38 PM
Oh Divine Goddess, I know it may seem as if you haven't been playing a big a part in my life as usual lately, but I assure you, you are still in my thoughts as always, no matter what actions I may take. I will love you from now until forever, even when it seems that you are not foremost. In the grand scheme of things, you are, and you always will be.
That talk with L today really sorted things out a bit today. Thank you for finally giving me the courage to say what I did. I'm not sure what happened last year, I haven't sorted it out in my head if I believe you caused it, fate caused it, or I caused it, but today kind of symbolised the end of that time. It's taken 10 long months, but now I realise that she cares for me, and was being sincere about all the things she said. It still hurts though, as I'm sure you know, but I think this is more to do with R than anyone.
Goddess, she confuses me so much. Some days I think she loves me, she treats me so well. Others, I'm just like...well, I won't say that. It's odd though, the way she controls the rest of my life, it's odd, odd and frustrating. I, for once, would like to be the one who controls my emotions - I want to decide if I'm happy or not, but it's all up to how she treats me. Recently it's been ok, but...it's like, the days she nice to me, then I don't care about anything or anyone else. I'm on top of the world, nothing can stop me. I think, in retrospect, the feeling I get these days more than compensate for the feelings I get when it's the other days. No. I lie. It hurts so much I want to cry those days. But I can't, really I can't, I...I don't want to, I don't care about what everyone else thinks, it's more that I have to prove something to myself.
Goddess, please give me the strength to cope with my father. I know he's been devestated ever since the split, I know he's rediscovering himself, but it's almost like he's become my shadow. If I even hint I like something, he'll go out and buy it or whatever - it's so frustrating, I wish he'd just find his own interests! I'm sorry to say this, but I think I loved him more how he used to be. Him changing has prompted a change in me - and I hate it!! I NEVER used to be this much of a bitch, I swear!! And it hurts inside everytime I'm mean to him, as if I've kept my empathy and conscience, but lost control of what I'm saying...
I'm so lonely, Goddess. Please, guide someone to me, I need someone to be my light. I drift around school, looking at all the little posses, cliques and crews, and I have no-one. I used to, but something shifted. People I talk to tell me that friends don't always bring you happiness, and I know this sounds shallow, but Goddess, friends would at least be a start, at least I'd have confirmation that I'm not a complete faliure, that I'd have made a difference to one person's life.
If I could write down music to show how I feel, I would write this song out a milion times.
I started off all jolly and thankful, and ended up upset. This always happens when I write in my diary - maybe I should stop trying to express my emotions? It always ends in pain.
Hmm. Or maybe I should just pull myself together.
Thankyou for letting me talk to you Goddess, at least I know you listen. There's one person I talk to, but I think sometimes she just listens to me to prove she's a nice person....but I can hear you listening Goddess. Thank you for everything.
That talk with L today really sorted things out a bit today. Thank you for finally giving me the courage to say what I did. I'm not sure what happened last year, I haven't sorted it out in my head if I believe you caused it, fate caused it, or I caused it, but today kind of symbolised the end of that time. It's taken 10 long months, but now I realise that she cares for me, and was being sincere about all the things she said. It still hurts though, as I'm sure you know, but I think this is more to do with R than anyone.
Goddess, she confuses me so much. Some days I think she loves me, she treats me so well. Others, I'm just like...well, I won't say that. It's odd though, the way she controls the rest of my life, it's odd, odd and frustrating. I, for once, would like to be the one who controls my emotions - I want to decide if I'm happy or not, but it's all up to how she treats me. Recently it's been ok, but...it's like, the days she nice to me, then I don't care about anything or anyone else. I'm on top of the world, nothing can stop me. I think, in retrospect, the feeling I get these days more than compensate for the feelings I get when it's the other days. No. I lie. It hurts so much I want to cry those days. But I can't, really I can't, I...I don't want to, I don't care about what everyone else thinks, it's more that I have to prove something to myself.
Goddess, please give me the strength to cope with my father. I know he's been devestated ever since the split, I know he's rediscovering himself, but it's almost like he's become my shadow. If I even hint I like something, he'll go out and buy it or whatever - it's so frustrating, I wish he'd just find his own interests! I'm sorry to say this, but I think I loved him more how he used to be. Him changing has prompted a change in me - and I hate it!! I NEVER used to be this much of a bitch, I swear!! And it hurts inside everytime I'm mean to him, as if I've kept my empathy and conscience, but lost control of what I'm saying...
I'm so lonely, Goddess. Please, guide someone to me, I need someone to be my light. I drift around school, looking at all the little posses, cliques and crews, and I have no-one. I used to, but something shifted. People I talk to tell me that friends don't always bring you happiness, and I know this sounds shallow, but Goddess, friends would at least be a start, at least I'd have confirmation that I'm not a complete faliure, that I'd have made a difference to one person's life.
If I could write down music to show how I feel, I would write this song out a milion times.
I started off all jolly and thankful, and ended up upset. This always happens when I write in my diary - maybe I should stop trying to express my emotions? It always ends in pain.
Hmm. Or maybe I should just pull myself together.
Thankyou for letting me talk to you Goddess, at least I know you listen. There's one person I talk to, but I think sometimes she just listens to me to prove she's a nice person....but I can hear you listening Goddess. Thank you for everything.