RANT!!!!! Meddling Mothers!

[Danustouch]

Okay..for those of you who don't know, i've been spending the week at my parents house to think about things happening in my life recently. Anyway...my family has a pretty screwed up history too. When I moved out of my mothers house when I was 20, I swore that I would never again visit my Grandmother and the Aunt who lives with her, because if there IS such a thing as Evil, my Grandmother is it incarnate.

Every screwed up mental problem my mother has, is because of her. I'd like to come up with an association with some fictional charachter of an evil lady..but ...I really can't. She's just..reallllly twisted. Programmed my mother with a bunch of BS patterns, that have caused her more heartache and pain in her life than she should have ever gone through, made my mother and aunt and uncles quit school in their teens to work to earn money. Money with which she would throw lavish parties for half the town, including bum's and drunkards off the street, while my mom, and aunt, and uncles virtually starved. That's only part of it. It goes on and on and on. She has disowned basically half of my family, because she is absolutely paranoid and delusional. This has drawn a deep wedge into my family, and broken the hearts of many of those that I love. On top of that, the aunt that lives with her is kind of...learning impaired shall we say. And my grandmother trained her from a very young age, to stay home and take care of her, wait on her hand and foot. As a result, my aunt has never had a "real" job, lived on her own, taken care of herself, had boyfriends, etc. She is now growing old herself, and ill. And because my grandmother has disowned the rest of the family, the only one who can take care of her, and my aunt, is my Mother. Who...has a fulltime job, runs a house, and has my 15 year old sister to look after. My Grandmother refuses to go to a nursing home, and my mom doesn't have the guts to put her in one. So my mom has just started a new job, and might lose it, because she had to leave work twice this week for them.

Anyway...because of their twistedness, i managed to avoid any contact with them for seven years. And was quite proud of myself. I have never bought that "blood is thicker than water" line. I'm sorry..but..if you are a disgusting, nasty, twisted person, do not expect me to feel any loyalty to you, nor any affection for you, nor want to spend time around you. I cannot tell you the number of times I left their house in tears as a child, teen, and young adult, because of things that they said, and mind games that they played. I refuse to subject myself to that any longer. I don't play games at this point in my life.

So...today...my mom asked me to stay home, do some cleaning, and throw in some laundry for her. This I do gladly. BUT, of course, what my mother neglects to mention, is that my Grandmother and Aunt will be coming bye for their Social Security Checks. They show up, Aunt peers in the window to see me, and that's it. My cover's blown. I HAVE to deal with them. But of course, if I ignore them, or tell them to go away, then my mom will have my head, so ...I have to "pretend" to care about them, "pretend" to hug them, and to have missed them (because my grandmother will cry if I don't say that b.s, and then my mom will have my head) and make up a bunch of lies about where I've been the last seven years, and why I haven't even managed to drop them a line. Now..if my mom had allowed me to be honest with them from the start, this wouldn't be the case. But instead, she BEGGED me to not tell them how I felt, and to get over it. Nope. Not going to happen. The MOST I could do for my mom, was just to avoid them. Now...i'm in a positition i DO NOT LIKE. All..because of my meddling mother. I am fairly sure she did this purposely, as she's begged me to see them for ages now. UGH!

I hate family politics!

[Illuminatus]

Spawn some children.

Once you have children, the balance of power shifts in your favor. You decide who gets to see their grandchildren, and who doesn't. You call the shots.

Yes, I know, you're trying :)

[Faery-Wings]

(((((((Danus)))))

I am sorry you are going through this. The only thing I can say is give your pretend hugs and air kisses and say that you did it because you love your mom.

Then come here and rant it all out.

I hope things start going better for you.

[Illuminatus]

My girlfriend's family is messed up too. She comes from a very broken home, and her family are very mean people. Her aunt and uncle's dog's surgery actually takes precedence over her birthday celebration. Can you believe that? If someone cancelled my birthday because of a dog, I'd burn their goddam house down. Previous grievances were even more outrageous - her mom threw out everything she owned at age 18, 5 years later she's still buying back CD's she once owned. Some people are just plain rotten.

The worst part is, I can't help her, it's her problem. She isn't ready to excommunicate them... yet. So, I guard her flank and insulate her from other problems, so she's only fighting a single war on one front.

- Illuminatus

[The Crone]

WOW and I thought I was a weird MUM....I am going to send this to my daughter !


Nope ...looks like it's up to you my dear to break the cycle...cycles seem to continue until someone strong breaks them...and the biggest thing you need right now is be that strong person you were when you left....remember her.....

You made boundries and you lived it.....time to make the boundries again (but don't run this time)and stop trying to please...it's hard...but very needed before more energy is stolen from you.

Seems your grammy knows how to steal energy...but she can only take yours if you let her....we all have choices....that old FREE WILL kicking in.....

You can do it....you did it before.....this is just lesson #2 or maybe #102...lessons get easier as the number gets bigger!!!!

Good luck...remember to breath and ask your guides to show you a way...who knows maybe your Mum will take up the lesson too...stranger things have happened........

[Lavender]

Wow! Illuminatus, you are a keeper! :)

I've always said family is fate's joke on us! You can't picked them...you're just stuck with them. Be strong, Danus, and don't let them pull you in.

(((((((((((((((((HUGS!!))))))))))))))))))

[Kaylara]

Hey, don't look at me... I disowned half my family last year... My advice on it probably wouldn't be too good for other peoples situations.

[Old Witch]

Hey, The feds are after my Uncle and his offspring...............it could be worse...........but I think that The Crone has a lot of good stuff to say...............but energy to you to do what ever you decide is best and ((((((hugs)))))) to make it a little better............I'm for YOU no matter what!!!!!!!!!!:heartthro

[earthcat]

My family can be difficult & manipulative, but yours make's mine look like
perfect...
The only thing I can do is to offer you Friendship and Support. And if you ever need a completely neutral place to retreat to, my home is open to you...
Take Care.
(((((((((((((Danustouch)))))))))))))

[Arzhela]

That sounds absolutely horrible! It must be a really difficult situation for you to be in, and I hope that things will somehow straighten out soon. (((((Danustouch)))))

[Nissala]

Danus, hang in there. I disowned my mother 4 years ago because she is similar to your grandmother..long story. I will light a candle for you and send energies your way...

blessings to you sweets:heartthro: (((((((Danus))))))

[Pan]

I'm sorry all this is happening, Danus.. but I would have to ignore my gramma if she acted like that. In fact.. I bet my gramma would do soemthing like that.. my mom's mom, too!

I would give you advice, but that would be to tell your grandmother what you think about her and tell your mom that that's how you feel and she has to live with it. You're grown now and that's that. But that's just me. ;)

I hope everything turns out okay!

[Yvonne Belisle]

Hugs Danu

[Danustouch]

Thanks Guys. You can't know how much I appreciate all this support right now. Things just keep going from bad to worse around here...and in my life in general. I feel like there is no port in the storm (Btw..thank you Earthcat, for your offer). Not one place that is completely safe, where I'm completely free from being treated like crap, and where I'll be truly appreciated. When John and I fight like crazy, and I wonder if we should split..where do I split to? My parents home, which is just as nuts, and unhealthy for me, if not more so, than my home with him? Where am I supposed to go, for calm? For reflection, for peace? These people, are insane. I swear. My mother is miserable, makes mountains out of molehills over EVERYTHING, is NEVER happy, and my father, is controlling, emotionally abusive at times, and loves nothing more, than to yell. Wait..I'm supposed to leave a relationship where I'm not 100% happy, to come to a home, where I'm less than 10% happy, ummmm..for what? One hell or another. That's how it feels right now. And all of my friends from this are say "At least you have friends here, to support you, if you lived in this town". But...all of them have their own lives. And I can't hide from my parents forever. Can't avoid them while I'm here, all the time. And my friends can't ALWAYS be around. So...what do I do?

Pardon Me, Doctor...I think I have some viable eggs for sale.

Found out today, you can get 7500 dollars for selling an egg, ladies. Hah. If I have a healthy one to spare, maybe I'll sell it. Then..i'll have the money to find a really NICE apartment, no matter what happens in my life ;)

[Witchy Cowgirl]

Gosh Danus, I hate that situtation for you.
(((((Danus)))))
Lots of good advise has been given here.
I will send energy to you and hope better times.

[Jax]

(((((Danus)))))
All I can say is is that what goes around comes around! Just hang in there for your Mum and Aunt, your Grandma will be 'looked after'! You have to break the cycle for your childrens sake, but do it tactfully for your Mum!
BB

[Danustouch]

No kids yet...but yes, I agree. There are alot of "patterns" in my family that simply cannot be repeated when I have my own children. I've often thought about that myself. Don't get me wrong, I know that in my mothers life, she's tried very hard to break SOME of the patterns that her own mom instilled in her. Like that song "the Living years" where it talks about every generation being a little bit better than the one before. My mother has broken some of the patterns, and hopefully, i will break even more of them, when I raise my own family.

[BeachWitch]

Danus, I've said it before to you and I'll ask again..... are you sure we aren't related?? Sheesh, sounds like we have the same screwed up family!!!

Big Hugs from me to you - cuz I know EXACTLY what you are going thru!


Originally posted by Danustouch
When John and I fight like crazy, and I wonder if we should split..where do I split to? My parents home, which is just as nuts, and unhealthy for me, if not more so, than my home with him? Where am I supposed to go, for calm? For reflection, for peace?

Two summers ago when my husband and I were at our lowest point, fighting on a daily basis and living under an uneasy truth, the tension blew one day. I broke under the pressure and said something I could not believe came out of my mouth.

I looked him in the eye and said,
"The only reason I am still here in this house with you, the only reason I don't walk out right now today, is because I have no where else to go."

We both stood there stunned into shocked silence. The look on his face was..... amazing to say the least.

The relationship changed from there on out. It's never been the same. Things have improved significantly, and while I can't say we are 100% happy (who is really?) at least the war zone has disappeared. And most importantly, he has stopped the verbal barbs, nasty name calling and foul language.

Funniest thing tho, is now he is dependant upon me. He's lost his job and been unemployed for over a year now. Now he sees what it's like to have no where to go and to be at another person's mercy. And I am proud of myself for being a healthy, sane individual and treating him with kindness and respect - something he did not show me at a time I needed it most.

Sometimes the best revenge is kindness.

Hang in there kiddo. Stick to your guns, maintain your level of integrity and the situation will change.

After my grandmother died, my mom thanked me for being there for her. She told me she knew I put up with the craziness for her, and only for her. Now that we are free of the Tyrant, our relationship is better than ever. So it will improve, I promise!

[Ravens_Tears]

HUGGS Danus!!!!

My mother was also badly abused growing up. She has never confronted her mother either and I honestly don't expect she ever will... what I have learned is that, most children, no matter how badly abused, love their parents. I find it frustrating. The biggest difference between your situation and mine is that I have always been known in my family as the odd one out. Outspoken and well.. weird. No one talks to me about alot of things because they know I will tell them what I think. In my mind, truth just is what it is, you don't want to hear it from me, then don't ask. I am rarely put in a position anymore where I have to choose between my mother's feelings and the truth. They all know better. I am civil to my Grandmother because it makes my mother happy. And my grandmother has been civil to me since she wrote me a letter when I got pregnant with my first child (at 20) and said that my morality must be different from hers. I wrote her back and said yes, it certainly was, as I had some; and that I wasn't going to run out and marry any old man just because I was pregnant and that I didn't believe in abortion for myself.

I also know very well that you can love someone without liking or condoning what they have done. And once an adult, if someone chooses to continue to allow themselves to be abused, there is nothing much you can do. What you can do is stop yourself from being abused. You can be there if your mother ever finds the courage to be strong and support her in that. Hopefully your Grandmother doesn't have that much longer to live, or your mother will find the courage to put her in the nursing home. It is a shame that your Aunt has had no life at all of her own. To live your whole life abused is a terrible thing. I can understand how you feel about your grandmother but I would ask you to take a look again at how you see your aunt. She has never known anything else. She doesn't know any better. She will probably never have a life. Even if you cannot love her, she is deserving of your compassion. Depending on her level of impairment, has she ever been more than a child? No child deserves to be abused.

I know this probably doesn't help much, but you have the knowledge, the intellect, the strength of will and soul to make a difference. Choose what is best for you. You have to be happy living in your skin, not them.

[Danustouch]

Oh...believe me, I have a ton of compassion for my Aunt. But unfortunately, she has been taught the same destructive patterns by my grandmother. She is not so severely impaired that she operates on a childs level, but she is impaired "enough" that she cannot understand how my Grandmothers' patterns are so destructive. So she follows in her footsteps, in many things. I have wrestled with that one for a long time. Unfortunately, cutting my grandmother out of my life, also means cutting my aunt out of my life, by proxy. The two are rarely, if ever, separated. And when one looks at my aunt, they see the spitting image of my grandmother, both visibally, and in bearing/attitude/thought. My grandmother has kind of made her into a "mini-me" of herself. It is incredibly unfortunate, and sad, as I know in my heart that she is a very loving person. But, she has the same beliefs, the same "morality" , the same idea's, as my Grandmother. She is often not as strident or vocal, but this is because she has no ability to take charge, or think for herself. So she Parrots grandma. And whatever Grandma says, Aunt just nods and agree's to. If my Grandmother passes on, I would love to reestablish a relationship with my Aunt. If possible. However, while she is still living with my Grandmother, and under her control, I cannot do so. Firstly, because she will not leave my Grandmother alone unless it's an extreme medical emergency, for any more than five minutes, and secondly, because while my Grandmother is still alive, she will NEVER disagree with her. She even said as much. "While your grandmother is alive, I will never disobey her". To her, seeing me, outside of Grandma's presence, would be "disobeying" or "Lying". And she has been so brainwashed that she cannot see any shades of grey. My Grandmother's way of brainwashing is very subtle. She tried it on me as a child, but thankfully, my mother DID intervene in many cases. This is one example. My Grandmother is a soap opera addict. When we were young, she used to make us sit with her while she watched her "stories". When charachter A, slept with Charachter B's husband, she wouldn't just say that charachter A was bad for sleeping with another womans husband, but..that charachter A was a slut for having sex in ANY way, because she's not married. To carry it to even ANOTHER level, she would say "Loose women belong in hell. You must NEVER sleep with a man besides your husband. It's a very bad sin, and God will hate you for it". Or..."I would never speak to you again.". My Grandmother would do things like ask me and my brother..."Do your mommy and daddy ever fight? Does daddy ever hit mommy? Because, you know that would really be bad, and we'd take you away from them and they would never see you again". And when both my brother and I would say "No. Daddy Never Hits Mommy" she would say..."You know, you don't have to lie to me, you can tell me the truth." Umm..we WERE telling the truth. She would constantly pump us for information about our parents. And one time when my parents DID fight (though there was no hitting involved) my Grandmother ACTUALLY said..."You know..I could take you guys somewhere where they would never find you".

Or..how about this one. Every time we walked in their door, we were expected to greet them with a kiss. If we failed to do so, she would pull a full out pouting tantrum, and say..."Well..I can see that I'm not loved. You know, I could REALLY easily change my social security number, and take off somewhere. and NOBODY would know where I was". This, to a SEVEN year old. All that guilt. All that responsibility. And the "You know, I can read your mind, so don't you ever go and do anything bad, because I'll know. And you know me when I get angry.".

My Grandmother claims to be a witch, because supposedly her mother was a medicine woman for the Schaticoke Indians (though she was in fact, half Mohawk Indian) in Kent, CT. (Supposedly). And supposedly, she is part gypsy, and yadda yadda yadda. Of course, I don't believe half of what she says (so I don't go around claiming to be a hereditary witch) So she always told me she was psychic, could read my mind, could put a "geis" on me. She told me she could cast the evil eye, etc. Basically, she threaghted us. She threaghtened our parents, THROUGH us. And anyone, who ever disagreed with her, was either threaghtened, disowned, malighned, sued, etc, etc, etc. And my Aunt, unfortunately, has always believed EVERY single thing that my Grandmother says, so cannot stand up to her at all, and either pretends to think exactly like her..or DOES think exactly like her. It's a very difficult situation. Frankly, I've told my mother that when my Grandmother dies, I won't shed one tear. The woman is the most manipulative, deceptive, abusive, sick person I have EVER met. When she DOES pass on, I will try to get to know my Aunt again. See if any of that damage, can be repaired. But..until then...I keep my distance. Grandma's mind games, are just too much! :(

[Arzhela]

(((((((((((((((((Danus)))))))))))))))))

I can't even imagine a situation as horrible as that. You're amazing just for hanging on this far:) *more hugs to Danustouch*

[Ravens_Tears]

You are absolutely right in that what your grandmother has done is brainwashing. My cousin was brainwashed by a cult and had to be deprogrammed. Had to be retaught how to think for himself. I don't know what comfort this will be to you but if there is any remote speck of truth in what your grandmother has said about coming from a blood line of shamans when full circle comes to bear upon her and her actions nothing will be able to save her. The medicine peoples, shamans, or witches (if you prefer to call them) of native american culture were, and are, healers and protectors. To inflict the kind of pain and malice she has upon those people who have touched her life is one of the greatest wrongs she could ever commit in the spirits eyes and it will not go unnoticed or unpunished. That kind of action is visited upon the person who creates it 10 fold. I don't know that it would be in this lifetime or possibly the next but, full circle will come to pass.

Having compassion for another or loving someone does not mean having to tolerate abuse from them. I am sorry if I implied that, I have been stressed and find I am not as articulate as I should be. That your family has had to tolerate such abuse is so... WRONG for lack of a better word. You do what you need to to protect yourself. Talk with your sister to see how she is and how she copes. I have the feeling that when your grandmother dies, your aunt will be having to get to know "who" she is. That kind of damage will take years, if ever, to be undone. If you can help her, wonderful, if you can't.. don't put up with any more abuse, let go with love.

You have a right to a life without pain, abuse and coersion from anyone. Be strong and know that there are people out here who care for you. Do what is right for you!

HUGGS Danus, you are in my thoughts!

:heartthro