suicidal thoughts

[windblown]

My husband and I have been living with different sets of relatives for the past year
due to his job loss and difficulty in getting a new one. Now I had to leave my 16 year old again, for the 3rd time, to go back out west with my husband.

My son lives with my ex. I'm always having to choose between him and my husband. My husband hates the town my son lives in and my ex is impossible to deal with so I can't blame him for wanting to try it out west again.

My Dad didn't call me on my birthday, 2 days ago. He's never done that. He hates my husband. And I told him if he didn't have anything nice to say about him, then don't talk about him at all. He screamed at me and hung up. He's always been extremely abusive. But now that I stand up to him, I've lost him.

I'm ready to give up. I feel like I've hurt my child and I hate myself for that, though he says it's fine...he's older now. I have begged him to come and live with me over and over, year after year and he chooses to stay with his Dad...so what can I do? I want to be a Mom but my ex is a total control freak and makes it so hard. Now I'm 1900 miles away but I call and send letters continuously. My son sounds cold after I left. Like he's angry but doesn't say so.

Sometimes i wonder what I will die of and when it will happen, I wonder if I should tell my teenager but I think not. I feel lost, in an alien western town, with family that's not blood related, sometimes I feel totally removed and wonder what I'm doing here. I feel like it's all 'not me.' I am tired and thin and I pretend to smile, they're aren't any answers, nothing gets better, why am I even alive? I don't think I can make it much more.

[*~Amora~*]

My heart goes out to you. :rubhead:

But if you are having serious suicidal thoughts, as in, you are thinking about a plan, you need to go to the ER. Immediately! No if's, and's, or but's. If you are having those kind of thoughts, then your life is at risk, and you need to get off the computer and get the help that you deserve. I know a lot of people would miss you.

[oceandreams]

What do you want from life? Forget your hubby and son for a moment... what do you want your future to hold for you? You need to figure this out and then figure out who fits into your plans, where you're going to be and what you're going to be doing. You have a right to happiness, whatever you need to do in order to find it! I think you've been putting others first for a long time and it's taking its toll on you.

You are doing absolutely the right thing by your son in terms of keeping in touch. Always keep the lines of communication open... just don't take it to heart so when he doesn't respond. Remember that many of your sons feelings will come from the fact that he's 16! Remember what it was like to be that age? I can remember being totally stroppy and unfair at times!!!

[cheddarsox]

Your screen name, windblown, says a lot...I imagine you feeling like a tumbleweed, wondering where you'll end up next...or perhaps feeling stuck in a barbed wire fence.

I understand what you are going through, that sense of trapped helplessness, of not knowing what the future holds, but from your perspective, not looking like anything is good ahead.

I also know this, things change, all the time...if we let them. If we don't get too caught up in what is going on, and cling to it...they change, the wind blows from a new direction and we tumble toward more fertile grounds, someplace we can take root and bloom.

Your pain is valid, but it's not the only truth there is, even though it may be all you are able to feel right now.

I'm glad you posted here, it's a great sign, that you are still open to reaching out and being reached out to by others. We can't fix it, but we can hold your hand from a distance and say "we understand, it won't be this way forever"

You are in a real hard place, but things will change, they always do. Sometimes when it gets that bad, we just have to sit with it, waiting for it to pass.

That is hard, I know, I almost didn't make it through last weekend. But I sat through it, and while my situations aren't much different...I don't feel as critical as I did, the sitting is a bit easier, and I even made a few baby steps in a new direction this week.

The wisest advice I've ever received was "be open to changing perspectives"...all it requires is not stomping out hope, a good laugh, any feeling of satisfaction or gratitude when it drifts in.

Sometimes we lash out at any good that is left in our lives, and stomp it to death out of a sense of panic, or anger or pure cussedness, and we need to let ourselves know that those feelings are as valid as the bad ones.

just be open to it, you don't have to make them happen, just agree to not reject them when they come along.

That has saved my life many times.

[Drouach]

Try to let go of 'concepts' or 'ideas' about how you should be.

You are doing the best you can with what you have. Screw the judgements of others!:toofless:

No one truly wants to kill themselves, they just want the pain to stop.

It will. It's always temporary like the tide.

You can be an awesome Mum even at a distance.

Support you hubby with love and understanding. Try to be as patient as you can.

Things always change.

My two cents.

[windblown]

Thanks everyone. This is the safe zone at MysticWicks. I know
I can come here and be surrounded by the warm hearted people
who care about others. You have all eased me through a difficult time.
Your comments really helped me. Thank you very much!

[DreamSpell333]

:hugz:

[tooltb120]

Time has a way to fix everything.Don't dwell on it and keep on moving,I know easier said than done,but it's what you got to do.

[Fireyone]

I don't have advice but here's some hugs:hugz:

I guess If I had to pray for you I'd ask for clarity. Blessings!