Am I the only one? (quite long)

[Valnorran]

Warning: What follows is the ramblings of a moderately depressed man. My sincere appologies if this is too long or in the wrong forum. It's been boiling around inside of me for some years now, and I had to get it out in the place that would be best.

What used to be intermitant pangs of melancholy has become a permanent fixture. I cannot shake this feeling of hopelessness. It springs from the conclusion that I simply do not belong in this world. I will be 32 by November's end. In all that time, I've been trying to adapt to this world, telling myself it will get better, that I will one day find my place in the world. I am no better at adapting to the world now than I was on day one. There can be only one conclusion. It is quite inescapable. I have not found my place in this world because this world has no place for me. With that conclusion comes a very dark depression. It becomes very difficult to care about things. Why should I care about the fate of a world that I do not understand and that does not understand me? It has no use for me, and I have scant use for it. In my opinion, a society in which many people need prescription drugs just to function from day to day is in desperate need of an overhaul. I don't remember the statistics, but I seem to recall reading somewhere that an alarming number of Americans are taking antidepressants. It could be that people are not willing to deal with things anymore, but I think it is something else. I think this Protestant Work Ethic society we've created has gotten out of hand. I think there are now too many things to deal with. I know that no matter how much I work, my lot in life never improves. I spent 5 years and thousands of dollars on a college education. I am in a professional, white collar job and I'm living paycheck to paycheck, and I really don't know how much longer I can take it. Ever since I was a little boy I've seen the world as brutal and cruel and dark. I have spent years trying to break myself of that habit, but I have not succeeded. The only place I am really happy is my home. Let me tell you about it.

My home is an antebellum sugar cane plantation called Belmont. My children, ages 7 and 9, are the seventh generation of my family to grow up here, and it is a magnificent place to grow up. I am teaching them to shoot. My mother teaches them to ride horses. My mother lives in the main house. The original plantation home burned to the ground in 1947. My grandfather rebuilt it using mostly concrete so that it would not burn down again. It is on the original foundation. I and my family live in a house right next to it. We have several hundred acres under cultivation and others that have remained woodland. The Bayou Teche (pronounced "tesh") runs about a hundred yards behind the houses. There are numerous immense live oaks on the place, many of them standing in parallel lines. As best we can figure, they were planted by the Spanish over two centuries ago. They shield the main house from the hurricanes. As a boy I was so happy just roaming the place. The summer mornings would dawn with dew sparkling like a million gems, but far more priceless. I would wander the woods, climb the trees and spend hours just sitting in them. As I got older I would go into the woods at night and play Commando. My fondest memory of that is one summer night when the fireflies were so numerous that they lit my path well enough that I could have read a book if I'd had one with me. There were a few times when an overpowering sense of dread and foreboding would drown me while I was in the woods, day or night. Then I would climb one of the giant oaks, figuring that if something was after me I would be able to see it coming, but I took such comfort from the limbs of hurculean girth and timeless strength, a company of promethean guardians scattered all over the plantation. It always baffled me how other kids could not find the joy in these activities that I could. I had woods and fields and meadows. The canal intersecting the bayou was my jungle where I stalked enemy soldiers and shot it out with legions of them with my machine gun I'd made out of kindling. The pastures were rolling fields where I fought the Hundred Years' War. Sometimes I was a Viking raider. Other times I was the lone dragonslayer (the smouldering rubbish piles we'd burned were the farmhouses the dragon had destroyed), well armed with my swords fashioned from the same materials as my machine gun as I hunted my epic nemisis.

Belmont is a very special place. I am daily thankful that I have it, and that my children have it. I have no place in the world. But I do have a place on Belmont. I am its keeper, its guardian. Being the only man on the place, I get called if something has to be destroyed or killed (the occasional viper, for instance). If stranger come around, it is my job to speak with them and discover their intentions. I'm a combination guard dog and pack horse. My work here has an obvious and tangible purpose. My work in the so-called real world is to please people I hardly know for the sake of chasing little bits of paper that I never see. As far as I can tell, these bits of paper are valuable only because people say they are, but I am required to half kill myself in persuing them. The only interest I have in them is the fact that they are required for survival in our world. Aside from that, I have no love for money. Perhaps that is a character flaw. It always seems that those traits that I think are my best seem to be my worst. I'm rather introverted and keep to myself. In other words, I mind my own business and let others mind theirs. I thought this was rather considerate of me, but apparently it isn't. Being quiet tends to upset many people. Perhaps they see me as stand-offish. What I'm doing is giving them the courtesy of staying out of their hair. Maybe they think I'm plotting something. Well, I do think about many things, and I get rather absorbed in my own thinking, but I never would have thought leaving people alone would bring me such grief. Apparently, not being a loud, boorish, obnoxious, in-bred a**hole is considered being an underachiever. So I guess not being a money-grubbing greedy little bastard is also wrong of me. Another one of my flaws is applying rational thought to living in this world. It doesn't seem to work very well.

My greatest ambition in life has always been to be left alone. I thought it was quite simple. All people have to do is not bother with me. I don't want to be bothered with. I want to stay on Belmont and live my life out on my ancestral home. I have no desire to "make my mark on the world" because the world is hopelessly f***ed up. Someone once said that hell is the absence of reason. Sums up the world pretty well, I would say. I have no desire to succeed in the human world because it means working under assanine and irrational rules. It would mean sacrificing everything that I am, all the things about me that I think are good, all the things I have lived so many lives to learn and understand and achieve. I would, in fact, have to sell my soul, and I'm not prepared to do that. As punishment for my decision, I can forget about ever enjoying myself. All I want is to be left alone. The world can do as it will. I care not. Just leave me in peace on my home, inside my world. To again try to put Belmont in perspective, try to imagine having about 300 acres of sacred space; spending your childhood there, growing up in its power, spending your formative years bathing in its effervescent magic, a magic that is so subtle, so undefined, so quiet... yet of such immeasurable magnitude. Every guest we have ever had out here feels it. I have no control over what goes on in the world at large, but I do have control over what goes on in my little corner of it. I've always felt that the best way to make the world a better place was to focus on your little piece of it. If everyone did that, perhaps we would see true progress. But that is far too simple and rational an idea to ever be put to use. It will never happen. So I shut the world out and make a little slice of heaven for myself and my family and any guests we may have. But the world will not be shut out. Why? The world and I do not understand each other, and we don't seem to get along very well. I am perfectly content to leave it alone. Why can it not return the favor? Why does it obssessively persue me, demanding that I play its pointless and degrading games? What did I ever do to it? When I am at my job (and I've had many) I am never happy. No matter what the work is I am sick to my soul. Other people seem to enjoy their jobs. I've always wonder what that is like. I've never experienced it. The best I've had are jobs I didn't mind, but I've never liked one. They all seem so pointless. Why are they there? If my assignement does not get written, will the sky fall? No, and very likely the sun will continue to rise, in flagrant disregard for our human worries. I'm sick of worrying about shit that's not going to kill me or does not pose any physical threat to me. But, oh, I forgot. Those nasty little bits of paper we so desperately crave. Got to have those. We were given a planet that was tailor made for us, but it wasn't good enough. We had to add our own features and hopelessly foul up the works. We can never be simple. We must always make things far more complicated than they need to be.

I just don't know how much farther I can go under these conditions. One of my little quirks is an aborrance for inefficiency. The way we have our world arranged is terminally inefficient, and I can't ignore it. It gets under my skin and drives me up the wall. When we need medication to make it in a world of our own construction, I think we have irrefutable proof that something is horribly wrong. Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I the only one who feels he cannot finish his statistical lifetime under these conditions? Am I alone, adrift in a splinterring boat on a sea of unreason? How in the name of the seven mad gods who rule the sea am I going to survive the sheer insanity of the human world?

[Flar's Freyja]

It sounds to me as though you do have a place in the world, right where you are. How necessary is it for you to leave?

While I'm not exactly where you are right now, I've been dealing with depression also and have seriously considered pitching all concerns about my future. I made a major change last year by dropping out of the bureaucracy and working on my own. Financially, it's sucked but it was a very good period for me. I'm also not a money-grubbing greedy bastard and I undercharge for my services, which is part of the problem. I'm disillusioned with my chosen profession. I'm ready to go back now after some time off but I'm thinking of leaving my profession altogether.

What else are you doing for support in this dark time?

[Yvonne Belisle]

Is there anyway to perhaps work for yourself? Maybe not working for others would help a bit. I tend to think that protecting such a place as you described is very nessesary and that you are very needed. Special places like that are getting fewer and farther between. Depression is such a distructive thing it can take someone and destroy them from the inside out please seek some help it is nothing to be ashamed of. I come from a family of money grubbing people who are not happy with money or without it. The battle to achieve success by thier standards is depressing in and of itself. You need to live life for yourself the others don't need to be dictating your life. It is funny no matter how unhappy people may be with what they have thier is always someone who would love to have it. That doesn't mean that they would do a better job with it mearly that some of the human population would kill for that. Remember you have us here at MW and come talk when you need a shoulder the peer councelors are also here for you. If you need a person to talk to I am on quite a bit.

[Eeluna]

Belmont sounds lovely and magical. It seems to be your solace, your sanctuary amidst the chaos and madness of our crazy society. I would hold it sacred and spend as much time there as possible. Otherwise perhaps you should discover a job/career that you find at least tolerable and maybe even meaningful in some way. I know that can be extremely hard, but it would be worth the effort. As to the rest of the world--we can't really change anything but ourselves. In my opinion we should do what small things we can to make the world a better place and quit agonizing over things we can't change. Blessed Be.

[Flar's Freyja]

I was in a hurry when I wrote the first post, but that's what I was saying, too. Working for myself has really helped a lot, and I regret that it didn't work out as well as I'd hoped it would ~ but it gave me a badly needed break. My field is one where I do all the work and people who have never done the job, never met the clients, etc. make all of the decisions without taking any of the work I've done into consideration and it's just plain wrong. So, I kind of have an idea where you're coming from.

I think depression is going around, also. I know quite a few who are dealing with it, myself included. A very good friend of mine who is literally a pillar of the pagan community here is dealing with the same and it breaks my heart to see her that way. She is incredibly spiritual and is just not someone who gets depressed easily.

I'm glad that you expressed your feelings here.

[Valnorran]

I've given serious thought to working for myself. The problem I ran into was lack of money. I don't see how I can get a loan from the bank because I have no colateral. I looked into gov't loans but it seems being a white male with all my body parts working places me in the one demographic they do not cater to. It was all minorities/women/disabled. I've nothing against the gov't helping these people, of course, but I could use a little help, too. Ever since I wrote my first post, though, I've been thinking about it some more. I would think there's got to be some way of financing it. Also, there is my family to think about. If I had only myself to consider the risks of going into business alone wouldn't bother me so much. However, if my business fails, they suffer as well. That's what scares me about that idea. It's damn difficult to weigh the risks.

Thanks for your kind words.

[Valnorran]

Addendum to the last post:

I got my degree in social studies education, with an emphasis on history. I taught in public schools for two years. It wasn't until the end of those two years that I got any positive feedback on my performance. That was when I found tha majority of my students had passed the social studies section on the standard exit exams my state uses. One student who complained about how hard my tests were thanked me for making them so hard because they preparred her for the exit exam. The rest of the time was experiencing the horror of teaching in a public school. I had students who made me feel like I was trapped in Lord of the Flies (in the role of the pig, if you know what I mean). There were others who were so wonderful. It felt so good when I found out I'd had a positive influence on one of them. But for every one you make progress with, there are fifty more you don't have a hope in hell with. They don't want to be there. In this state they can get a good paying blue collar job without an education. I had a seventh grader who had already been through the juvenile justice system. What the hell am I supposed to do with this kid? Why is he even here? I can't rehabilitate him and teach the others all at the same time. Sorry I'm not the miracle worker. I am not perfect and don't expect to be. One of my many shortcomings. Also fighting you is the school system itself.

I tried to be a cop on my local force. I graduated first in the academy, Top Cadet. Once on the streets, however, it became obvious that I wasn't cop material. One sargeant told me that I had to be a "cold hearted prick" to do this job. WTF???!!! I took the job because I liked the idea of helping people, of protecting the good citizens from the bad, of being the one they could turn to when their world fell apart. I wanted my uniform and my badge to be a symbol of hope. I wanted people to see it and think, "Hot damn, the cavalry's here!" Good grief, what was I thinking? Well, you mostly protect the bad citizens from the other bad ones. Still, becoming a "cold hearted prick" is not my idea of emotional or spiritual progress. It is something I've consciously resisted for some time now. They also seemed disdainful of the fact that I hadn't been in a fight for, oh I guess it's been 20 years or so. Well, I have an exceptionally foul temper. Got into fights all the time as a little kid. When I was 11 I started taking karate. I haven't been in a fight since. I've had three instances of guys swinging at me with wild, easily blocked punches. I merely fended them off as I didn't feel threatened enough to hit back. So, what I consider my proudest achievement (gaining self-control) was considered a liability by peace officers. Can't tell you what wonders that did for the ol' confidence. Two jobs I took because I genuinely wanted to help. I learned that an exceedingly high number of people who need help do not want it, and you cannot force it on them, no matter how passionate you might be. So I gave up on that. As far as jobs go, the image that appeals to me the most is that of the lone craftsman, making his wares with patience and skill. This, of course, has been rendered obsolete in the age of instant gratification. The money probably wouldn't be too good, either. Still, I just can't get that excited about money. I see it as a means of freedom. The more you have, the greater the stability in your life (assuming you don't go crazy with spending it). On those occasions when I can buy myself something, I find my desire for it has diminished, if it hasn't disappeared entirely. I just want to enjoy myself and not have to worry about the gods damned bills! I can't take my wife out to eat without worrying about what it'll do to our finances. I want to stop living my life by another person's leave. As Jimmy Buffet once sang, "I just want to live happily ever after every now and then."

[Old Witch]

If it's any consolation, you are not alone in the way you feel...........but you do have that Plantation and a sense of home.......that's more than most have...............

[Yvonne Belisle]

I make very little and I am working a nearly fulltime job while starting my own buisness. I am doing this with no capitol at all. It is hard but it can be done. If you have been able to manage students you are definitly smart enough to do even better than I am so reach for the stars in little steps I am sure you will come out on top. :)

[Semele]

I am going to risk sounding judgemental here because I think you will hear this the way it is intended. I read your posts with an open mind and somewhat familiar eye. The most recent post you made regarding the jobs you had chosen and the reasons you had chosen and subsequently cast them aside saddens me.

As a teacher I am sure you did see an aweful lot of negativity. Even as you were trying to teach the ones who truly desired the lesson, another was causing trouble, demanding attention, or perhaps even the administration was stepping in and getting in the way. I can see where there would be far more setbacks in that job than the visible benefits. However, just because you don't see or hear about all the positive impacts you had on students, doesn't lesson the value of them. Sure it is more rewarding to see the little lights go on and not be interupted by undesirable aspects of the job, but it's not very realistic. Maybe one way you can get the enjoyment from that field is through teaching and sharing with your own children.

As for the cop who told you that you had to be a prick...pardon the expression, but screw him. He cannot dictate how another person lives their life and does their job. He can tell you what rules and regulations to follow, but he can't stop you from being polite when pulling someone over rather than a cocky jackass, nor can he stop you from being a positive role model for a child. I see that the same way as I see the way we act towards our own children. We can have a really crappy day where everything goes wrong and all we want to do is come home and go to bed. We can ignore our children, push them aside and say we are having a bad day and are not in the mood, or we can change our attitude the minute we walk through the door...hug our family and tell them how happy we are to be home with them. They will feel the sincerity of it and it will eventually make us feel better as well.

I have no answer regarding the work from home stuff, only that whatever you do, whoever you encounter in life...you make the decision on how to react to it. If people think you are strange because you are quiet...let them think it. What harm does it do to you? They can't harm you because they can't take away from you the things that matter...your home and your family.

You said you haven't found your place in the world because the world has no place for you........ I don't buy that for a minute.

Your children provide that place for you with their very existance. Now just open your eyes and see that you are already in the place the world has provided.

[Tiana_Ecarias]

You have found your place, Valnorran, with your family. Who gives a rat's behind about the rest of the world?

You aren't the only one who has felt like that. For a long time, I felt like I had no plcae in the world(such a small world, a town and a farm...), and then I met a couple of friends, and realized I had my place, with them. I didn't want to change the world, because the world wanted to change me way to much to be accepted.

You're home needs you, and you need it just as much, to me, that means you've found the place where you belong. In Belmont with your 2 kids and the rest of your family.

Nothing else matters, and f*** what other people say, they don't know what they're talking about.

*hugs*

Mayta May Triesas tirna(Your place is where you feel at home)

Tiana Ecarias

[Valnorran]

Semele: No, you don't sound judgemental at all. I think the teaching thing boiled down to taking disrespect from students that I wouldn't take from my own son or daughter. The way the system works deprives me of any real authority in my classroom. When you have students who have criminal records and do not want to be in school, there really isn't anything you can hold over their heads to motivate discipline. Being nice to them usually gets you taken advantage of. Having a kid walk into my classroom and treat me that way is the equivelant of walking into my home and treating me that way. I will not and cannot stand for it. Also, some of these kids have problems that just stagger the imagination. Some have had their parents hauled away on drug charges. I remember talking with one mother whose son was giving me a lot of trouble. She was single and lamenting the fact that her boyfriend not only beat her up in front of her son, but beat her son up, too. I just sat and listened, all the while wondering why she would even consider exposing her child to something like that (sorry, I don't buy the lonliness argument. The child's welfare comes first. In this day and age, though, that probably makes me insensitive). I am neither a jailer nor a therapist. These problems are beyond my power. Knowing the child is suffering problems at home and not being able to do anything about it (I don't dare call child welfare services. What if I'm misinformed and I get the parents in trouble over nothing?) is a very painful spot to be in. When a kid tells me he can go out and get a job as a welder and make more money than I do with my fancy education, he's right. In this state he can easily pick up a blue collar job and make a very good living. I am cursed with an extraordinarily advanced case of stupidity when it comes to things mechanical, so this route is closed to me.

As for the cop, he was my watch commander, and I was in training, so what he said went. Simple as that. Being exposed to the work probably would have made me into an singularly unpleasent person, anyway. I just wasn't cut out to be a cop. I would teach if I were allowed to run my classroom as I see fit. If a student doesn't want to be there, get him out. Let him see what bosses are like if he thinks teachers are rough. I don't really know the answer.

To really make things interesting, I was finally getting used to my job. I got hired as a technical writer in August for a small drug screening company. In that time I've been given very little work, no instruction, and neither praise nor reprimand. Yesterday, right after my lunch break, they fired me. They handed me my last check in a sealed envelope and said I just wasn't right for the job. I went straight to the nearest job services office to apply for unemployment insurance and search for jobs. I was there for some time when I opened the envelope and saw my check and pink slip. Under reason for dismissal, they marked "other". Not fired or terminated or laid off. Under reason, they said I did not take directions well and did not possess the computer skills I said I did in the interview. Translation: I'm a lying moron. How I wish I'd opened that envelope while still at my desk! Doesn't take directions well? Perhaps if I was actually given a direction, I'd take it! Doesn't have computer skills he claimed? I told them I could word process (I've written one novel, am working on another, written a couple of articles for a local magazine, and umpteen college papers, all using microsoft word. I think I know something of word processing. I told them that the other required skills were things I hadn't used since college. I would have to re-learn them, which I was doing (quite well, considering what a technophobe I am). I told them this in the interview, and they still hired me. On the one hand, I'm so furious I can't see straight. Now my family's income is my wife's part time job. And just before the hollidays, too! What magnificent timing!
On the other hand, I realize that destruction paves the way for creation and that every ending is also a new beginning. Ever since May I have been working a spell to solve my most persistent and pressing problems. I also worked a few to banish any hinderances to my initial spell (as long as no one was harmed, of course), so maybe that is a factor in this. Until a few days ago I was deliberately not calling on the Lord and Lady for help, wanting to achieve it on my own. Also, I felt silly asking divinity for help with something so worldly (left over Christian programming). However, I believe that I am part of them and they are part of me, and there is no reason not to ask them for help. Also, over the months of casting, I've slowly cast off that Christian programming. My family and I have every right to our happiness. Since making that change, things have felt quietly but significantly better. Still pissed about the job, though. That whole Black Irish/Scottish border reaver blood, I guess. Also, airing things here has helped more than I thought it would. I've been holding it back for a long time, until it would no longer be held back. Thanks to all of you for your kind responses and loving support. You will always have my gratitude.

[Flar's Freyja]

I'm really sorry to hear about your job. I have a real problem with supervisors who don't tell you what you're doing wrong so that you can make an effort to correct it. That's what routine evaluations are for and I don't know why more companies don't practice them.

This may be for the best for you. It sounds like you are burned out. I'm a social worker and our jobs are very similar, and I'm feeling much the same way. I think that I haven't been hired for the last few jobs I've applied for because my heart just isn't in it anymore. My own energy is getting in my way.

Possibly you can take the weekend to reflect and figure out what you would really like to do. You have so many skills that can be applied so many places. It sounds like your beautiful home is a safe, comforting place where you can do that.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing, and I'm sending positive energy your way.

[gunner]

to begin with, you sound like an honest, decent and honorable man. one i would trust when things went sideways. your watch commander was and is wrong, you do need to learn to shield your emotions to be a cop but no, you don't need or want to become a "cold hearted prick", i'm not a cop myself, i'm too military to make a good cop and i'd be dammed if i would want to be a bad one, but some of my close friends are cops and they can and do care about the people they protect. they are frustrated by the ones who see no need to change a destructive way of life and sometimes you just have to "turn off" on such people and go with the programme, "cuff 'em and stuff 'em" because they won't change and help those who want and will use help. i see something of what you see in the world and i like it as little but there is little i can do to change the larger world so i concentrate on what i can affect, the people around me, my family and my small circle of friends. like you i've never been "successful" in the larger world's terms but i've learned that i have the respect of more people than i sometimes realise, something that i think may be true in your case too, even when it may not seem so. (i found recently, to my surprise, that my local p.d. seems to consider me something of a "brother in arms" even though i've never worn a badge and, as above, do not aspire to be a cop.) i've been luckier than you i guess in some ways, most of the jobs i've had i enjoyed, long haul trucker, private security guard, ambulance driver, my own small gunsmithing business, some freelance writing, and my last job, the one i retired from, armoured truck driver/guard. i'm not really sure what i'm trying to say here except that you're not alone friend.

[Nina]

(((Valnorran)))

I wish I had the words to express what I feel when I read your posts.

Hang in there buddy, and you can always come here to vent. You are a decent, honourable, sensitive guy - that's a good thing! don't let the bas***ds grind you down.

[gunner]

i've just been back to re-read your description of belmont, your childhood there and your present place in it..., have you ever considered writing? you do have "the gift of words", as you described the plantation i could almost see you as a child fighting your mythical battles against the dragons and villains of your imagination. the gift of words is not a common talent and worth developing.

[Valnorran]

Yeah, I've written one fantasy novel and I'm working on another. My first is published. Now if only it would sell! At the risk of committing the crime of spamming, I'll just say this.

1stbooks.com

amazon.com

Triad by Guy Estes

My best characters are usually women. Probably as a result of being raised by my mother, I tend to put them on a pedastal (culminating in me becomming a goddess worshiper!). Still, I'd like to do a western, perhaps Civil War Kansas with the border ruffians, or the Reconstructionist South.

Thanks to all for all the kind words.

[gunner]

i wouldn't call that spam, "shameless self promotion" perhaps but that's acceptable, a writer needs to let the readers know he's out there. thanks for the title, i'll make a point of looking for it, sci-fi and fantasy are my favourite kind of reading and i'm not the only sci-fi/fantasy reader here by a long shot.

[Yvonne Belisle]

Gunner you have a gift for understatement. :)

[gunner]

thank you m'dear

[ArkaneArt]

No, you are certainly not the only one. Anyone who is not depressed is a willing application of the program. You hear it all your life 'get with the program, if you cant take it, get out'. The problem is, 'where'? You cant escape it, you cant hide from it. 'It' is has taken over, and we have let it. Money has more value than your life, your children, your soul, your home, your food .........etc. The only way that this will ever stop, is if we realize together, that we are more than one, but as one we can overcome.
Too much to fear, to do anything about it?


www.ArkaneArt.com (http://www.ArkaneArt.com)

[gunner]

looking back i see its been just over a year since we last spoke, how are things going for you these days?

[Kalika]

It sounds as though your place is right where you are... your home.

I have to admit, at times I find the world to be hopelessly screwed up, but then I stop myself and think...

LIFE itself, is worth living. Life is worth the day to day struggle.

You have 2 children... are they not something to go on for?

It is sad that so many people are on anti-depressants, but they do genuinely help some, and others genuinely need them to function on a day to day basis.

Anyways... got off track there.

Its normal to feel depressed, sometimes, even through long periods of time. What you have to be able to do is pull yourself out of it...

Look around your "sacred space" as you called it. What more could you want? You have a home, you have children, you have family. If you prefer to be alone... what more do you want?

I can understand the need for contentment... and that is a large reason why so many people turn to religion... or go soul searching... to find that contentment.

You have to find peace within yourself before you can be at peace with the world around you.

About your job... it is a necessary evil. But... maybe you could find something else that you like better?

Ok... enough. :) I could go on for hours, but I won't. I'm free to chat if you ever want to. And I'm glad that you took the time to write down your thoughts and feelings.



Blessed Be,

Kalika

[Lamoondove]

If it's any consolation, you are not alone in the way you feel...........but you do have that Plantation and a sense of home.......that's more than most have...............

Yes i was thinking the same thing ....I still to this day only dream of haven such beautfull land ..I was also thinking to as the other one that mabe if you could wright a book or some kind work in that nature for your self mabe that would be job you would like wright of your place you grew up and things you did just like you did here i bet the book would sell .. i would buy it ..:). When i was young and abused girl . I was gave to my granpa and I loved him like a dad but I Loved him cuz he didnt hurt me .. still didnt know why man hurt little kids as they did .and do .. And behind my grandpas garden of rows and rows of corn was a horse pastur that belonged to the neighbors and across the creek close to the horses was lots of pallets i made my own club house, somewhere safe to sit when taking a break from bear back riden the neighbors horse that i named patches .. was my only freind i could talk to to tell the bad things that happened to me .. it seemed like patches loved me talking to her and she loved the lillte treats i brought to her , she would let me jump up on her and ride or just put my nose to her nose .. I not ony loved the horses in the feild behind grandpas but loved all animals was like no one understude they have feelings to and need love to i thought no one gave them there just due.I also felt like they undertsude me .. I also when the world hurt me and didnt understand it would get lost in certain songs always seems like, even now a days that when i got things on my mind here comes a song about it .. music use to be a escape from the world i knew ... untill i lived at grandpas .... I couldnt tell grandpa what happened to me at mommys and step dad house he woulda killed em pluss i was scared as all to even talk about it ... I grew up thinking there aint No God .. if there is how could a God called Jesus let these unbearable things happen to children who can not defend themselfs....I have always been intreged by the mystical world ...Wizards and fearies..I always dreamed of living in such times of mystic.. I tryed magik when i was like 15 didnt know about pegan or wiccans at the time i had babysitter that told me ghost stories said really happened to her.. i was sad about a lost love my first love i was with for 4 yrs ,and she told me like things to do that would bring him back, I surly gave them a try but they did not work .I in all my yrs of trying to love and be loved never found a true love and .Eigther i loved them and they returned love was not the same or if they love me i dont love them 4 some reason ... I cant figure it ,dont even try no more ...came up with the feeling that true love will never find me and when i started reading where to park your broom stick ,, actually got it from liabary from my teen daughter ... as i am of different mind i didnt mind her reading i knew if she was good and didnt do bad things no harm would come to her but i started reading it with her and getting into learning more about pagens and wiccans after i ment a wiccan i fell so in love with that man i was miserable when i learned he lied about all he said to me .and he hurt my heart like it never had been hurt .. I tought i didnt want to learn more about wiccans they hurt you just like everyone else... ..then one day getting that book for my daughter brought me back to the learnings a had deserted and i told her (she knew what i went through with men ),, I said well One bad apple dont mean the whole batch is bad ... she laughs at me we read together and and started learning things of nature together her and i .. i read interesting thing to try in there a love apple spell .... well i read it and read it dam near had it memorised... got up one morning Went out side to feel the suns heat on me while i drank my morning coffee .Was thinking to myself well i aint ready to try magic yet not going to set up alter even though i had plenty stuff to do that .. i just grabed me a apple out of fridge and cut it in two to see the natural pantical said emmmm i wounder if honey does tase good on it grabbed the honey out of cabinet .. poured it over both halves. I was eating on the one half walking around out side thinking and things ,, well i set the other half out side behind the house in some plants .. didnt throw no seeds to the wind saying things i would like in a man was just practing i thought ...Not long after i ment a man who whorships me loves every part of me and who i am ... but guess what I dont love this man the same i told him not to love me that i no love him i didnt feel it no conection to him at all .I made him cry with my truthfullness. i got to thinking later on what is this a cruel joke ..why couldnt someone i love,,, love me back ???and when someone loves me i dont them?? or i mess up that love some way i became depressed and thinking where is my place in this world am i here only to help people ..is my needs not important ? I lived with uncle cuz my aunt left him broke after 35 yrs of marrage I mean he wasnt broke he had good job and makes good moneys but she cleaned out what they had in bank and he had to build all over almost lost the house was in our family for 40 yrs,That my grandpa gave him. i also lived with my sister for months after her husband had motorcycle accident and she almost lost her house i went paid half her bills so she would not lose till they was on there feet and i also lived with her cuzzz joan faith darling... thought she needed help she was going through divirce and trying not to loose her house so what do i do move my kids into aunt joans to help her my latest thing i have did to help someone and found out she a drunk who there is no help for she made her bed the way it is and told myself there aint no helping thoses who dont want it or who take advantage of it and moved out ..WOW you have alot to read here ,,,lol,,,I think i will go now . hope some or any of this helps you to know you are not alone out there ..When i started coming more into pagenism i got more at ease in my heart that i found where i belong in this world .. with pagens or just being and practing alone that is how i started then my kids started getting into aspects of it with me .. my daughter 16 now is all boy crazy at moment .. not realy into at moment but my boys are not even knowing they are.. they love to do things mommy does and they collect and find cool rocks they cant wait to give em to me.... see mommy is this one exceptabe >> i say sure honey it is special ..My 9 yr old ,got pic of him getting mommy water from the ocean,,, here mom heres you salt water he says ,, setting it down very carefully then he heads to the ocean floor looking for shells and rocks to bring to me i love em with all my heart and came to realise this world aint so bad after all .... some people are just ass whips and there are people who are good and i think my palce now on and in this world is to teach my children love i never knew and for them to have understanding of the love of nature ... well i am going to run now got some post to read ,,,lol,, Hope you have a good day and didnt fall out of ur chair reading ,,lol,, Brightest of blessings ..... ..

[Lamoondove]

Hi Valnorran, I wanted to just toss in a brief comment on the above quote. This describes me for the most part too. I like to be still and quiet most of the time which is so unlike the majority of people I come across. I meet a few people now and then which are quiet and very intelligent but the mainstream (so I've noticed) seem to keep their mouths open most of the time and spray their babble like constant static to anyone close by. Maybe it's just the times we live in of fast food culture and instant gratification. A lot of people just can't be "still" and it makes me wonder if they're really thinking much of anything at all behind their constant barks of simplistic chatter.

Being chatty is one thing, bombarding the quiet ones with noise and trying to figure them out because they don't verbally vomit stimulating conversation back to you constantly is another. I guess it depends on the people you're around. Some will come to accept and appreciate the people who are quiet, others never will. When I was a Christian I used to love moments in church when there was silence. As the years passed the noise of the people in church grew more and more. They were finding it difficult to just sit still and listen or even focus together to participate. At most of the movie theatres I've been to it's the same, especially in parts of movies that contain a lot of dialogue. It bores a lot of people and doesn't hold their attention for more than a couple of minutes so they start moving around and talking to other people or whipping out their cell phones.

Maybe these people just enjoy talking and provoking those who are quiet because they fear the "quiet" as it challenges them to think instead of talk and be "still". Or maybe it's because a lot of people are lonely and need to interact with people to fill a void and being quiet would send them back into that void. Who knows. I love being quiet and still and when I do engage in a lot of chit chat it's usually in intellectually stimulating conversation. Simplistic babble usually annoys me back to being quiet.

Edit: Something else to add. :)



I *totally* agree. Whatever happened to the simple times of communities existing on and for the land, farming and connecting to the earth in day to day work? I think if people were doing hard, manual labor like people used to do, working with the earth and its animals, they would learn to slow down (including their speech and constant streams of babble) and appreciate life more. I believe a lot of depression and other disorders are, in part, caused by removing ourselves so far from nature, setting up more and more machines to do things for us, etc. and there are actually people who wonder why we have so many mental/physical disorders today. And a lot of these people are the ones who laugh(ed) when they hear of the "backwards" people who go to "live off the land" and adopt simpler ways of living.

The time I spend in my garden *working* with the earth is more pleasant and refreshing than most any other activity I could imagine doing. It's primitive, purifying, and mystical all in one.

Yes I truly beleive the last of this with all my heart .. I to also think people dont take time to stop and apericate nature and the fine things our eath gives to us .. that if they would have a garden and tend it and stop look at the bird listen to it chirp as it sings its song Watch the skys, see the beauty there.. and stop to smell and feel the fresh air.. they to would mabe find the true love of nature, I to think it is mystical and purifying tending to my plants and working a garden and now after i learned the uses of herbs and things i find more everyday that is mystical and magical ... I truly Love that i found this site i was feeling alone only reading books on my learnings now i have people and a place to come when i need to talk to someone who is like me i think that is TOPS.... I am galde i didnt give up like i once was going to .... Hope all these great things i have read in here helps you they helped me and wasnt even ment for me ,,lol,,, :) Have a good day ...Blessed Be,

[Darkstaff]

Valnorran, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM, IM, or e-mail me! I may not be able to solve your problems, but I listen good!

[Valnorran]

Wow, I just noticed this thread has been ressurected! Once again, I'd like to thank everyone for their responses and support.

The wierd thing is that I've never really had any tragedies in my life, and I know I live in a place most others would kill for, and my job isn't bad (I'm teaching general ed. courses at a community college now), yet I couldn't shake that darkness that had fallen over me. After much argument (her for and me against) my wife got me to try an antidepressant, lexapro. It's working very well. I was worried it would induce some sort of delusional state (reinserting myself into the Matrix), or perhaps rob me of that creative aspect of myself, but it does none of those. I still get frustrated and annoyed and occasionally down, but the medication enables me to cope withit so it doesn't become an overwhelming blackness. I'm feeling much, much better these days, although I still find myself hoping this is my last incarnation. The world is so screwed up right now, I shudder to think what it'll be like in a few generations. I don't think I want to find out. But as of now, I'm doing well and really appreciate the outpouring of support I've gotten here. Thanks to everyone!

[Cerulean]

I think that therapy could help. Whereever you go you have to deal with people, even while "self" employed, as I found out. Maybe a nice private school would an improvement. You're lucky to have such a home. I've never had a safe and happy home. I'm being harmed by conditions in my home right now and I can hardly go there.

[G.H.O.S.T]

I must admit Valnorran, you and I share some...supprising similarities. I have also oftened wondered if some faire worker slipped into the place where the gods first made people and made me as a practical joke.

There is something that one of my friends taught me, she is regretably no longer on this plane of existance. Every person's life is in a book, and that book is in a library in the heavens. Everybodie's book is a little different, some are harder to read, some have pictures, some are in different languages, some are barley readable. You can spend your entire life trying to figgure out how to read your book and not know how, but you will, one day, figgure out how to read it, and it will all make sense.

[Lady Jade]

We are alike a great deal. I live on our family farm, only occupied by my family for the last 50 years, but nonetheless special. There have been 3 generations of children raised here on this rolling 40 acres of magickal land...pasture, creek, pond, woods, and a wildlife bird wetlands. I wish to only be here, only be me, only be alone from the world. I have also went to college and left the profession because of the cruel reality of the real world and it's occupants. But alas, we must work and money is always a factor.

I too, will never "own" this place, when my grandfather passes on, we will be without a place to call home. The not knowing the time frame for me is worst.

I also take medication. From a young age, I could not function without it in society. Please don't think that medication is a bad thing. Some people can use it as a tool to crawl out of their darkness. Once out of the dark, new attitudes and techniques can be applied without the pills. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking, too.

I am here for you to talk if you need me. Calming energies sent your way.

[~ Monk ~]

Heh - Val, we may not agree much when it comes to politics ;) but we do share a similar view on society.

[Pesha]

I am troubled by this. For you seem to have so much in your life. Love of family, children. And your home sounds so lovely. Why do you feel a need to leave it all behind. Sweety I am an empath and so I see sometimes more than the printed word. I feel pain and very much the aloneness you are experienceing. So I ask is there anything here we as a group or I as a person can do to help you love. Such an intellegent and spiritual man, and so much sadness here. So much life to be lived and yet you are so sad.

BB
DS.

[Valnorran]

Once again, let me thank everyone for their responses. Shpongle, I guess that just goes to show people have more likenesses than differences.

Things are much better now. The only real lack in my life is my job. I don't hate it, but I don't love it, either. I don't find it fulfilling. Still, the work is fairly easy and the schedule is good. The pay ain't great, but it's not bad, especially considering the hours. I'm on medication now, and it's been a big help. It didn't put me in the delusional state I feared it would. I still think American society has some severe problems. I find the fact that such a large portion of the population needs medication just to get by disturbing, and I think sooner or later we'll have to reap the whirlwind of that.

[~ Monk ~]

Shpongle, I guess that just goes to show people have more likenesses than differences.
You're absolutely right about that.



I find the fact that such a large portion of the population needs medication just to get by disturbing, and I think sooner or later we'll have to reap the whirlwind of that.
I could not agree more. And it's so frustrating because we have the potential to be so much more as a society. I guess all you can do is keep plugging away and hope that people, collectively, start to "get it."

[Semele]

Woah! I was reading this thinking, I have read this before..then I looked at the date! I can see a difference in your posts. I am glad the lexapro is working for you. I know several people who take it and are having good results as well. Love ya!