Help PLEASE!

[Isis]

Hey all, MM to all of you! I need some major help....my son is eleven years old, and he's smart as he can be, but his self-esteem is very low, and he's acting out in school.

I've tried, therapy, group therapy, prayers(still do that) venting, spanking, grounding! The child doesn't care! I watch him take his medicine in the mornings, and I have to call the homework hotline to make sure his homework is done! The homework part isn't so bad, but the constant insubordination, doing the samething over and over again, and refusing to change his behaviour is getting to be too much.

I'm ready to send him to boot camp. That's the next step if I have to drag his ass onto Jenny Jones, or somewhere like that, I'll do it! I just want him heading in the right direction, but right now he's on the wrong path, someone please help me.

I'm at my witts end with this child!

Isis

[Semele]

I'm sorry I don't have any great advice to give. All I can offer is a prayer and some energy. Hopefully things will level out for you soon. (((((Isis)))))

[Phoenix Blue]

Umm, what methods of positive behavior reinforcement have you tried?

I never got more than a "That's nice, dear" when I passed a test or aced a report card. . . so the only real way I could gain attention in my home was to act out. So, that's what I did.

You say he's exceptionally gifted. . . try giving him some adult responsibilities, backed with positive reinforcement, and see how he handles them. For instance, offering him an allowance for completing tasks like finishing all his homework for a week, and levy an "insubordination" tax on him when he acts up. This eases him into the idea of having to work for rewards. . .

Experiment with treating him as, say, you would an adult subordinate. That means don't spank him, and don't lose your cool with him; keep an even temper and apply a fair and consistent disciplinary policy. :) Again, reward him when he does something good!

Keeping your temper is the most important part of all this. His insubordination is a power play - and when you lose your cool, you lose the play. Don't give him any room to argue with you--and don't argue with him. If he loses his temper, put him in his room and keep him there until he cools off. If you lose your temper, tell him you're going to take a time-out, then put yourself in your room and keep yourself there until you cool off.

:) That's a start. . . I could probably keep going, but that should at least get you going on a better path. I hope this helps!

[Mnemosyne]

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time with your 11 yr. old son, Isis. I am totally with Phoenix on this one. You mentioned that you have done negative things to him in order to get him to mind such as spanking, grounding, venting...etc. If I were you, I would try POSITIVE reinforcement. Tell your son when he is doing well. Kids really do want to please adults. What about giving him a special treat at the end of the week if he finishes all his work without you pestering. For example, you can let him watch a video, take him out for an ice cream, spend quality time with him, etc.

It sounds like homework is a big problem at your home. I know that teachers have plenty to do, but what is the teacher doing to encourage his son to do his homework? My classroom is a very positive environment. The students have homework every night and must fill out a reading log every night. The next morning, I put stamps or stars on their homework and reading charts to encourage them to do their work. At the end of the week, I give the students little rewards such as stickers, bookmarks, or knick knacks as a reward. Kids like these rewards. Is your son's teacher encouraging his or her students to do their work at home? If not, maybe you can even do a homework chart for him. Also, you say that your son is smart. Is it possible that he is bored with his homework and needs more of a challenge?

Well, you are in my thoughts. Hopefully, things will get better.

BB
:heartthro

[materra]

Meds? What kind? And who Rx'd them? Why do I ask? Well I don't really need to know the type exactly, but....if they are mental health medications, especially Adderal or Concerta...for ADD/ADHD some kids just don't respond well to them. They can develop some behaviors as a result. A good Psychiatrist for children may need to be consulted. Not all meds work for everyone the same way. Also any recent growth spurts can make the medicines less effective. In addition there are some medical medications that can cause serious behavior issues. Acne meds for example can create problems. So talk to the MD and your Pharmacist....check it out...double check on food interactions.

And then, see all the above posts....all good solid advice, but here is one more...if you are too exhausted or stressed out to parent, if your personal interior life is making you miserable too...get some help for yourself. Sometimes having a place to vent and get some support for yourself is worth its weight in gold. I always have believed if the parents are doing okay, and are coping well, the kids will too. Just another 2 cents worth.

Best wishes to you.... I hope things turn out really well for you and yours. BB

[Zitan]

Good advice here - all of us need positive encouragement no matter how old we get ;) I'd be a little careful about taking drugs, mind you I try to avoid doctors as much as possible .. :) 11 is quite young to play up, I guess, but a lot of kids have trouble and then turn out awesome later. I dropped out of school at 14 (real young here in NZ), but I have a degree and am pretty okay, so I'm sure that your son is going to do the same - teachers of a way of worrying too much :) I think that kids act out in school sometimes cause they feel it difficult to fit in. This is no relfection of you and your son, it is just how the world can make you feel - we're about to have our first child and I'm still having difficult fitting in :) So many Christians here in NZ, feeling like your a "pagan" can make you feel like an outsider. ... but then you make friends and it is all good.

I hope things get better soon,

blessings and love to you and your family.

Z.

[Yvonne Belisle]

Isis you are both in my thoughts they have given really good advice and I have nothing to add to that.

[Witchy Cowgirl]

Also in my thoughts and prayers.

Here's something elese.
BE CONSISTENT!
Nothing is gonna work if you don't follow throught with it every time.
You know like those parents who tell kids "when I count to 3 your gonna get it"? Most kids don't know what "IT" is and then most parents....when they get to 3.....do something like....."Did you hear me, I said 3, now stop it!"

Also, you have to follow through each and every time. Not every other time.

:)

[Isis]

MM and thank you all for the advice!

Just to let you know, I do give him positive reinforcement! His behaviour has improved since last year, and I"m proud of him for that, and I tell him every chance I get what an incredible person that he is, and that I just want the best things in life for him!

I'm thankful for the child, I really am, he's the light of my life, but damn he's the hardest challenge that I've had in my life!

I'm a single mother, and I try being consistent I really do, but sometimes I do fall short.......I grounded him today for being insubordinate, and flippant towards me and what I was telling him!

I know he loves me, and he likes it when I'm happy and proud of him! I really feel like running away, but he's a fabulous person and I just want to get him on the right track! I'm waiting to Exhale, LOL.

Thanks for all the great advice, I really appreciate it!

[earthcat]

My next-door neighbors have a 10 year old girl that is similar to your son.
They have her on 150mg of Effexor (!) a day, and the yelling and screaming is constant over there. I have stepped in and offered to tutor her and help her with her homework....
I'm am not in any way saying you are like this with your son. But many times I have seen children behave better for adults other than their parent or parents. I have had many long talks with 'Jill'; and after these talks, things have calmed down over there. (I have also had talks with her parents; they have come to me and have been very open with me about what's going on; but they can't get past the guilt they feel over their treatment of her to do anything about it. I keep trying...)
What I'm trying to say is that if your son can develope a relationship with an adult who is not a relative, or a doctor, or anyone but a friend to him, he may open up to that person and tell him/her what is going on in his head. Jill and I have spent hours playing video games, planting flowers, searching for bugs, working on school projects, and talking.... And if you can also be a friend to that person without 'stepping on your son's toes', this person may be a way to open up communication between the two of you.
My Best to you & your Son, Isis. You're in my Prayers....

[Phoenix Blue]

What about enrolling him in the Big Brothers program, Isis? **Soft smile** Give him a male role-model of some sort to look up to?

[Isis]

Thanks ya'll!

My son is on aderal and zoloft! The medicine is working well for him, he says he's okay, and that when he does certain things he just doesn't know why he does them.

Now, I used to be a huge yeller, but honestly I've taken the iniative to attend parenting classes, seek counceling, and open up to my son! While I'm far from perfect, shocking as that maybe, LOL, I can honestly say that I've tried!

As for being consistent, I try to be, but I do fall short sometime. As a single mother its hard always being the bad guy, and I know I have to do it, but its just me, and sometimes I get overwhelmed!


My son has become very disrespectful toward me, and I've grounded him for it! Today no TV or music. No playing outside, he just has to sit there, until he gets it through his head, he has to respect me!

As for big brothers, honestly I have thought about it, but I'm a little nervous turning him over to a completely strange man for any period of time! I was molested growing up, and I get nervous about away camps, boy scouts, alter boy activities, and big brothers! Pray for me, please!

Isis

[Yvonne Belisle]

I think most kids behave better for others. They don't know what to expect perhaps so are wary.

[materra]

Isis, relax hon, we come with the best of intention and little knowledge of your particular needs and issues. Like you, we want the best, we just don't know you two well yet.

It is hard to re-learn ways of parenting and I applaud you for your strong efforts. I encourage you to find tutors, and friends willing to play with him in your home while you do other nearby tasks. Even if all you do is go into your room, rest and read a book keeping an ear open to see how it is going. Once you see consistant behaviors and know they will be safe you can let them do things nearby, in a park etc. that's what I did.

My son was an enormous challenge too, in fact he was a legend in the Psych Dept of a certain unnamed hospital. He was so bright he managed to fool the head of the Childrens Dept with an amazing act of pretend psychosis. The kid had been observing all too well while in the ER for a childhood illness. The Poor Doctor got all excited, got several students and other staff in to show them this "Kid"...and they all gather to observe and wham...The kid turns the tables and is a rational (!) "normal" kid for the observers. As the Doc is spitting and sputtering my son looked at the crowd and WINKED!! They all began laughing and it was legend. He was about 7 at the time. I still laugh...because the Doctor had ignored me when I told him my son was fine, just too bright and too bored for his own good.

And thus my point, really bright kids get bored. need more to do, and have problems with socializations skills. They are just so bright it is hard to associate with kids. Find stuff he loves to do, hobbies he enjoys, places he likes to go...and use them to leverage his best behaviours. Do the best you can, love him the most you can, and tell him all the things you said here daily and often... Get support for yourself...try to let go of guilt and old stuff. You guys will get through this. Just keep up the good work.

[Yvonne Belisle]

Isis I just want to say that everytime I have chatted with him he has been a sweetie. He is a good hearted kid and I know he loves you very much. He also loves to know that you love him so much that you talk about how wonderful he is. :)