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Iris
December 7th, 2008, 03:20 PM
Ok, this would be a long story if I told it the way that I want to but for the sake of brevity: what experience do you all have with people giving you mixed signals? In other words, people you would swear on your dearest possession are attracted to you...who then back off quicker than roadrunner if things threaten to become real?

I'll give the reader's digest version. I am a retail manager, and not so long ago this group of guys started coming into the store most days. There was one I was attracted to, who I quickly found out was attached...but it was his friend who seemed to be giving me a lot of attention. At first I humoured him, wondering what his game was...but after a while I really looked forward to seeing him every day, and found him really easy to talk to. A big part of the appeal is that we have parallel job roles, and so he understands what I go through on a daily basis (one of the reasons given for my recent breakup was that I am "too interested in my job" and talk about it too much, so it's important to me to have someone understand my stresses.) It was a slow burn and developed into a pretty intense attraction, to the point that whenever he would come in I couldn't seem to focus on whatever I was supposed to be doing and would lose my train of thought and mess up my work real bad...

Anyway, trying to keep this brief. He recently had to move away. He still lives within a sensible distance but rarely comes into the shop now...only when he visits his friends, which is like once a week or so.

Anyway, I was so, SO convinced that this guy was into me, that when my long-term partner dumped me, my thoughts turned to him at once. And I like to deal with things head-on, so I asked him out.

Initially he said yes.

But then he came back to me and said that "after thinking about it" he had decided he wanted to "keep flying solo" (his words) and we could go out as friends, but nothing more.

Since then I've had no contact with him at all. I have been making an effort to be friendly, leaving little comments on his profiles on various sites and such, just to make the point that I am not NOT talking to him, if you see what I mean. I don't want him to think that because he turned me down I'm going to act like a petulant child. But he doesn't comment back like he used to...and I'm just bloody confused, to be honest.

I'm pretty sure I can't have misread so many signals over such a long period of time. Even my co-workers would comment that he seemed to like me, and tease me about it. And now, I sorta feel like I've been robbed of something. It's not as if I liked him to begin with. I feel as though he coaxed those feelings into existence to then make a fool of me. I feel cheated. Not helped by a mutual friend assuring me that he is "just a flirt" and I should take it all with a pinch of salt.

But I thought he was being so genuine. He would even seek me out to tell me his problems when things went badly. I thought there was a connection. I feel hurt and confused and can't seem to move past this, or get him out of my mind.

Any advice would be appreciated x

Happydeadkitty
December 7th, 2008, 03:54 PM
That sucks. I know what you mean though. I've gone through that too. I got to the point that I never thought anybody was truly interested. If I was given a phone number, I wouldn't call, in fear of embarrassment.

I've found working as a cashier in the past, alot of people may think your cool, and come to chat just with you, but it's only while they're in the store. You definitely get alot of mixed signals, IMO.

I always find, that you find someone when you're not looking. When I was single...nobody wanted me. But when I'm not...I get asked out all the time. LOL.

I wouldn't even bother commenting on his sites...maybe once in a while...but that's it. I know what you mean, that you don't want him to think your NOT talking to him. But really...who cares what he thinks?

HDK

Iris
December 7th, 2008, 04:01 PM
That sucks. I know what you mean though. I've gone through that too. I got to the point that I never thought anybody was truly interested. If I was given a phone number, I wouldn't call, in fear of embarrassment.

I've found working as a cashier in the past, alot of people may think your cool, and come to chat just with you, but it's only while they're in the store. You definitely get alot of mixed signals, IMO.

I always find, that you find someone when you're not looking. When I was single...nobody wanted me. But when I'm not...I get asked out all the time. LOL.

I wouldn't even bother commenting on his sites...maybe once in a while...but that's it. I know what you mean, that you don't want him to think your NOT talking to him. But really...who cares what he thinks?

HDK


TBH it was just one facebook comment. I have this thing about presenting a certain face to the world. It's not really based around what HE thinks per say...it's more to make a point about me as a person. It's more about doing what *I* think the proper thing is, if that makes any sense?

I don't want to be seen as avoiding the situation, or anything like that. It's more to make a point to everyone involved in the situation that *I* will take the initiative and *I* will not let this affect my behaviour. I'm still gonna be as nice to him as I ever was.

Mainly, it's because I enjoy the time I spend up on the moral high ground.

Happydeadkitty
December 7th, 2008, 04:34 PM
Completely understandable. You don't want "people" to think it was a "big deal". But it's not really, I think you're just vulnerable right now because of your recent breakup. You don't need to keep a face, you're pretty cool as it is!:thumbsup:

HDK

Arinya
December 7th, 2008, 06:52 PM
I feel like I'm in a similar boat, Iris. I'm dating a boy who was completely into me the first three weeks or so, then suddenly backed down and freaked out so that nothing feels the same anymore and I just have to hope everything will be okay. I don't understand all the signals he sent at the beginning anymore. I feel like I can't trust signals anyone sends and if we can't trust our intuition what then? It's frightening.

I suppose, what I am trying to do, is ask direct questions and throw vagueness to the wind.

RainInanna
December 7th, 2008, 07:20 PM
He has completely personal reasons due to a past relationship he's still learning from/integrating that hit him hard. It's not about you. He thought he was ok with it but something happened to make him think he's not done dealing with that yet so he has to deal with it right now.

Stormbeard
December 7th, 2008, 07:44 PM
brevity

lol

Vampiel
December 7th, 2008, 09:11 PM
Anyway, I was so, SO convinced that this guy was into me, that when my long-term partner dumped me, my thoughts turned to him at once. And I like to deal with things head-on, so I asked him out.

Initially he said yes.

But then he came back to me and said that "after thinking about it" he had decided he wanted to "keep flying solo" (his words) and we could go out as friends, but nothing more.

You know what this is.... he was debating rather or not he wants to settle down. From the little information you gave he might see in you qualities of someone that, perhaps he would like to settle down with.

In other words he wants to play the field for a while and isn't just yet ready to settle down. He may end up regretting that decision however if he did decide to settle down it may have lead to problems further in the future wondering if he made the correct decision "back then".

Some people just aren't ready to settle down. Probably men more than women.

The only advice I could give is to keep casual contact with him but know were his mind is and wouldn't expect him to end up at your door anytime soon if that's the decision he's made. Unless you coerce it, but that might also not be a good thing for you to do.


Ive been there.

Happydeadkitty
December 7th, 2008, 09:11 PM
He has completely personal reasons due to a past relationship he's still learning from/integrating that hit him hard. It's not about you. He thought he was ok with it but something happened to make him think he's not done dealing with that yet so he has to deal with it right now.


Well there you go! Mystery solved.

HDK

Iris
December 7th, 2008, 10:07 PM
Well there you go! Mystery solved.

HDK

I would accept that as an explanation except for the friend who knows him better than I do (went to college with him) and was very dismissive of him saying he is 'just a flirt' and so on...

It jyst felt like...an excuse, when he said it. I still somehoe feel I'm not getting the whole truth from him.

And why is he being weird and basically avoiding me? Like wtf?

I am not having a go at you guys. I guess I just don't understand. I really thought there was a connection and it was going soemwhere. And now I'm just stuck in a dead end. I can't see a way tro move forward or surmount this.

(PS excuse typoes, just got back from clubbing, there may be alcohol in my bloodtstream. But only maybe *winks*)

halfwaynowhere
December 7th, 2008, 10:40 PM
edit- posted in wrong thread.

sarabethv
December 7th, 2008, 11:59 PM
Speaking from experience - walk away. Chalk it up to a learning experience. He will never tell you the truth, nor will he tell you what happened. Also, be aware that your posting on his facebook etc. can and probably will be seen as chasing him. Also be aware that when you ignore him, don't speak to him, and when he comes into store, just be cool - he will be nice again, but don't fall for it.

banondraig
December 8th, 2008, 11:43 AM
Speaking from experience - walk away. Chalk it up to a learning experience. He will never tell you the truth, nor will he tell you what happened. Also, be aware that your posting on his facebook etc. can and probably will be seen as chasing him. Also be aware that when you ignore him, don't speak to him, and when he comes into store, just be cool - he will be nice again, but don't fall for it.

This is good advice. I had the bolded thought myself.

Invidosa
December 8th, 2008, 05:32 PM
ugh! I sooo know what you mean. I don't think you were reading things wrong at all, chances are good that there is something going on that you cannot in your wildest dreams even begin to guess at.


You know what this is.... he was debating rather or not he wants to settle down. From the little information you gave he might see in you qualities of someone that, perhaps he would like to settle down with.

In other words he wants to play the field for a while and isn't just yet ready to settle down. He may end up regretting that decision however if he did decide to settle down it may have lead to problems further in the future wondering if he made the correct decision "back then".

Some people just aren't ready to settle down. Probably men more than women.

The only advice I could give is to keep casual contact with him but know were his mind is and wouldn't expect him to end up at your door anytime soon if that's the decision he's made. Unless you coerce it, but that might also not be a good thing for you to do.

Ive been there.

This was very interesting to me. My most recent relationship ended, in a big part, due to this exact reason. Which just struck me as kind of strange. like "you're too awesome for me to just shlep around with" i was literally told that "i can't do anything half way with you" and he was'nt ready to do anything "all the way" either.

it sucked.

and i think now he regrets it immensely.

moral of the story gentleman (and ladies)? don't pass up a good thing when you have the chance, cause it may never come again

Raxeph
December 8th, 2008, 09:55 PM
Speaking from experience - walk away. Chalk it up to a learning experience. He will never tell you the truth, nor will he tell you what happened. Also, be aware that your posting on his facebook etc. can and probably will be seen as chasing him. Also be aware that when you ignore him, don't speak to him, and when he comes into store, just be cool - he will be nice again, but don't fall for it.

I concur, he appears to be playing the field, be that wise or unwise. I have had a little experience in the area of people giving mixed signals... it's not something I enjoy the experience of. At all. I detest people playing games with me.

Iris
December 9th, 2008, 07:47 PM
I detest people playing games with me.

Me too. It's so pointless to me, because I am so straightforward in how I deal with people.

I think I just have to try and accept somehow that nothing's gonna happen here, for whatever reason. I mean, I don't get it, but I suppose my not getting it isn't the point really. Part of me wants to shake some kinda explanation outta him, some kinda redress for my confusion and hurt feelings. But realistically, I think I just have to accept that I'm not gonna get that.

I know it's sorta pathetic but I've been looking for him in the shop for the last 2 weeks. He hasn't been in, and I feel deeply dissappointed not to have at least seen and spoken to him. Sad, isn't it? lol.

Glowy
December 9th, 2008, 08:31 PM
Speaking from experience - walk away. Chalk it up to a learning experience. He will never tell you the truth, nor will he tell you what happened. Also, be aware that your posting on his facebook etc. can and probably will be seen as chasing him. Also be aware that when you ignore him, don't speak to him, and when he comes into store, just be cool - he will be nice again, but don't fall for it.


I agree- I despise being toyed with... a person that feels it is OK to play with the feelings of others.. well they can go hug a cactus.

Iris, you have been down of late... ((hugs)) you don't deserve this crap.

Vampiel
December 9th, 2008, 09:28 PM
This was very interesting to me. My most recent relationship ended, in a big part, due to this exact reason. Which just struck me as kind of strange. like "you're too awesome for me to just shlep around with" i was literally told that "i can't do anything half way with you" and he was'nt ready to do anything "all the way" either.

it sucked.

and i think now he regrets it immensely.

moral of the story gentleman (and ladies)? don't pass up a good thing when you have the chance, cause it may never come again

Ya see, though... sometimes you can have your cake and eat it to.:p

sarabethv
December 10th, 2008, 06:28 PM
Me too. It's so pointless to me, because I am so straightforward in how I deal with people.

I think I just have to try and accept somehow that nothing's gonna happen here, for whatever reason. I mean, I don't get it, but I suppose my not getting it isn't the point really. Part of me wants to shake some kinda explanation outta him, some kinda redress for my confusion and hurt feelings. But realistically, I think I just have to accept that I'm not gonna get that.

I know it's sorta pathetic but I've been looking for him in the shop for the last 2 weeks. He hasn't been in, and I feel deeply dissappointed not to have at least seen and spoken to him. Sad, isn't it? lol.

It is sad, but it isn't you. Don't take it out on yourself and best thing is to get into something you enjoy and forget about the dude.

RainInanna
December 10th, 2008, 07:22 PM
I mean, I don't get it, but I suppose my not getting it isn't the point really.

Yeah. Been there, done that, spent too much time worrying about it myself. Eventually I realized no matter how hard I worked the other person couldn't do what HE needed to make it happen. No matter what I was willing to do, he couldn't do what he had to. That's disappointing. But eventually I just had to let it go since even though he was great, he wasn't ready for me.