delema

[Yvonne Belisle]

I know of a situation where someone's girlfriend is cheating on him at work. Problem is no one knows how to tell him because he really cares for her and we don't want him hurt. He does everything for her and is thinking of the future with her. He deserves to know so he can make his choices knowing all the facts. Any ideas on how to aproach this with him would be apreciated.

[Danustouch]

Unfortunately, my best advice all around, is to stay out of it. Yes..that hurts, and it sucks, and it means living with knowledge that you have to keep secret from him, and feeling as if you too, are betraying him by hiding it. But..unfortunately, These issues tend to have to be sorted out in their own way, their own time. If you tell him of her activities, and she manages somehow to convince him that it's not the truth, or that she'll change, or whatever else, both of them, could turn on YOUR friendship. She could claim that you are just trying to tear them apart, and it could mean you losing your friend. The best thing that you can do, is just BE there for him, when and if he does discover it for himself. You could perhaps nudge his discovery along. Not by coming right out and saying things, but by asking him questions that will make HIM ask questions. Like.."Gee..wonder what your girlfriend is doing tonight". Etc. But I would in no way come right out and tell him everything you know. These things have a tendency to backfire. Plus, think about this. Suppose you DO tell him, and in spite of her cheating, he decides to stick with her, and work things out.....then you've got to put a "supportive" face on, and pretend to be nice to her. It's better if neither of them know, that you knew in the first place. IMHO.

[Radocs]

I agree with Danus... you're better off just staying out of it.

[Old Witch]

I agree..........The "messenger" is often the first to be resented..............

[MammaStar]

Yvonne, I can't stress STRONGLY enough STAY OUT OF IT! I was there. I had to live with the knowledge of someone's indescrition and what was worse, they are married. I still have to face the husband, knowing what happened with his wife. It sucks.....really REALLY sucks.

[Yvonne Belisle]

:( :( :( :( :(

[Kaylara]

But what about the fact that you knew about it and didn't tell him???

[Danustouch]

Well..the difference is, that once you "Tell" him, there's no way to take it back. When you don't mention it to him, you can always pretend you didnt' know. It hurts, it sucks, but think of it this way, as well. The fact that SHE knows, but that he had no clue, might also make him resentful. If only because he'll feel like an utter fool, which...having been IN That situation myself in the past, I can say is one of the worst feelings. I still say...keep the info to yourself Yvonne. As much as it sucks. Its his relationship to deal with. Your role as a friend, is a comforter, and support system. Not a whistle blower. I know sometimes it's hard to draw the line, especially when you care for someone deeply. But..I've been in your shoes, and can tell you from experience, it is MUCH worse to tell them what you know.

[MammaStar]

Right, what Danus said. It so does suck. And for the record, in my case, I knew the WIFE was cheating on him. I just happened to be friends with the wife and the person she was having a fling with. They tried using me as their "middle person" but I put my foot down and said "no f-ing way"

It still sucks. This has been over a year now and much to the Wife's dismay, she now believes her hubby knew about it. There's other circumstances which make the situation just ICK all around. It's strained my friendship with them all too. But because certain people in that circle I've been friends with for over 20 years, it's hard to let go ya know?

Like Danus said, you can be the support if and when he finds out. For all you know, this girl will come clean and the relationship will end and you can be there to help your friend through the pain and hurt feelings. Wouldn't you rather be there for him than to be the one who told? Cause then he might just push you away and what kind of help could you bring then?

[Nina]

Horrible situation. I've been there - and I've also been the mug that didn't know I was being cheated on. One of my friends knew, and didn't tell me. However much I realise that she was in a difficult situation, I simply couldn't understand why she kept her mouth shut. Now it's all water under the bridge, but I couldn't talk to her at the time. I felt such an idiot, and I felt (rightly or wrongly) that she participated in making me feel such a prat!

I would have preferred that she lied to me when I asked her whether she had known - but that's my selfish side coming out! We've talked about it since, and she felt that she had to tell me that she knew, because that made it a bit easier on her conscience.

There's no easy answer, hon - (((HUGS)))

[Kaylara]

It really depends on how good of a friend he is I guess... I mean if he is a good friend, consider whether or not you can handle losing him as a friend... I mean, as long as he is ok, and everything is out in the open. I would feel a lot better just getting everything out in the open. I don't like keeping things from people, especially things that effect that person a great deal... Makes me feel all dirty, and guilty, and sneaky... :( Not an easy decision to make at all...

[Radocs]

Personally, if I had a girlfriend that was cheating on me I wouldn't want to hear it from someone else. First of all it's none of their business, second of all if I didn't already know I'd be pretty angry at them for even suggesting it... because I probably wouldn't believe them.

I maintain that getting involved is a bad idea.

[Twilight Garden]

What about mentioning your awareness of the situation to the person doing the cheating. At least by letting her know, she may wise up to the fact that he will eventually find out; not from you, but someone's bound to spill the beans. Maybe she will take the initiative to come clean before someone else rats her out, if she knows that it's becoming common knowledge.

[Kaylara]

We can give her the beat down Eve!!!! Come On! It'll be fun!!!!!!!!

*Singing*
String her up
String her up
RAH RAH RAH!

[Phoenix Blue]

I have been in this situation before. . . what I ended up doing was offering the party I knew an opportunity to come clean--offering it as a suggestion at first, then with the ultimatum that if they didn't say anything about it, I would. Yeah, it made me feel like a heel at the time. . . but I would have felt more like a heel to myself for not letting the injured party know, one way or another, what's going on.

[Raevyn]

Originally posted by Phoenix_Blue
I have been in this situation before. . . what I ended up doing was offering the party I knew an opportunity to come clean--offering it as a suggestion at first, then with the ultimatum that if they didn't say anything about it, I would. Yeah, it made me feel like a heel at the time. . . but I would have felt more like a heel to myself for not letting the injured party know, one way or another, what's going on.

I agree wholeheartedly. Then the person will come clean themself, you don't have to be the messenger, you don't have to be in the middle, and your friend finds out and can deal with it. I don't think I could call a person a friend if I felt not telling them or at least doing something so they'd find out was better then possibly getting in the middle.

[Yvonne Belisle]

I really like the deadline to come clean I think it is a good solution and the parties that know don't have to feel like they are betraying the friend by doing nothing either. :)

[SpikesPet5150]

I vote against the ultimatum thing. It puts them in a bad situation and I guarantee you're going to lose a friend. I understand that you're bothered by it, but stay out of it. You're getting involved in something that doesn't concern you. It's going to end badly for everyone involved.
~Bree

[Phoenix Blue]

**Nods** It's a give-and-take. You probably will lose the friendship with the person who's cheating, if you have to deliver on your ultimatum and tell the other party what's going on. I don't think you should be nasty about it, don't get me wrong. . . just a gentle but insistent plea for the young woman to come clean, followed by letting her know that you owe it to him to be honest with him if she can't.

That's the real dilemma. There's no such thing as "not getting involved." Once you know what's going on, you are involved--and all you can really do is do right by the injured party and your own integrity.

[flar7]

I disagree with talking to the "cheater" and working out something.

If the person is your friend, you should tell them. Be honest and
explain why you are telling them. Then they can decide if they
want to try to save the relationship or not. By talking to the other
first, you give them a chance to spin it however they want, and
they will probably do so.(they didnt have enough respect to not
cheat on the person did they?)

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I have been in those shoes. Had to
tell a friend, and have been the friend. I was glad I was told, and
wish I had been told sooner.

[Yvonne Belisle]

Can we get some more male perspectives here? There don't seem to be that many of them and we are worried about our male friend we could care less about the female who is cheating.

[Phoenix Blue]

Think of it as a wake-up call, Flar. :) Deliver an ultimatum, and you might kill the relationship. . . but go behind the other person's back and tell the victim straight-up, and you will kill the relationship. Regardless of your opinions about the person doing the cheating, both parties deserve a change to salvage something of it.

[SpikesPet5150]

I just don't understand why people can't just stay out of it? I mean, I understand, you wanna help your friend. But it's none of your business. I've been cheated on, I was told by people who weren't really my friends. We were acquaintances, thats all. I honestly wish they would have stayed out of it. I would have found out, but hearing it from people I barely knew... that was crappy and I wish they'd have stayed out of it. And chances are, he won't believe you anyways and it'll put a strain on your friendship, along with killing the friendship you had with the woman. My philosophy is, if they come to me and specifically ask, "Is so and so cheating on me?" I refuse to lie, and I'll tell them, yes, I think so. But until they ask, I just stay out of it.
~Bree

[WandererInGray]

Because sometimes staying out of it isn't an option.
Sometimes being a friend demands a certain amount of sacrifice.

Just because you tell him doesn't mean he has to do anything about it. If it weighs heavily on your mind that you know, Yvonne...then TELL HIM...after that, the ball is in his court.

*shrugs* If he wants to get pissy because you (a friend) thought to give him the whole picture, that's his choice.

But at least you don't have to live with the knowledge that you kept your mouth shut and didn't follow what your gut was saying.

This is just all from my perspective, of course, but I'd tell...and I'd rather BE TOLD than to live like a fool. *shrugs* What I do with the information is up to me, believe...don't believe it...look into it further, whatever. At least he'll have a full hand to play with instead of the short one he's been dealt.

[Danustouch]

I still have to agree with Spikespet on this. I've been cheated on, too. And was told by a friend of mine. That was the worst part of the whole thing. I felt SO stupid for not seeing it myself. That SHE could see it, and I couldn't, was probably the most painful part of it. To be told by someone else, made me feel so sick, and depressed. Not to mention, paranoid. I wondered who else knew. I felt so ashamed, I felt people had been going around, and talking about it behind my back. I figured they must have all thought I was the most stupid person in the world. And to tell you the truth..it made me angry. Sometimes, when you are in that position, there are numerous factors that come into play, if they have children, for instance. Some people make the decision to stay together, DESPITE the cheating, for their children. And often think that their lives would have been easier, if they'd remained ignorant about the affair. Also, it's much harder learning of an affair through a friend, for another reason. No matter what, the person being cheated on has to decide for themselves, whether or not to remain in the relationship, and try to work on it. Knowing that your FRIENDS know, can make you feel pressure. You feel that if you stay with your partner, knowing they were cheating on you, that your friends will think you the biggest fool in the world. Pride comes into play. Saving Face becomes a factor, when really, that isn't the biggest factor that should be considered, in many relationships. I don't believe cheating is good. I don't believe it should be acceptable, however, sometimes, cheating is a sign of distress in a relationship. It's not always that the cheater has decided they no longer want to be with the person they are cheating on. Sometimes, there's something good, beneath all the hurt, betrayal, and lies, that is worth salvaging, if both partners work hard enough at it. We don't know all of the details of the situation, so it's really hard to know the best way to advise you, Yvonne. For instance, was this a one time deal? Is it an ongoing deal. Does the cheater seem to feel remorse, want to stop cheating? Does the cheater want to end their relationship with their partner, and not know how to do it, and has been sneaking around because they don't have the courage to end it? You haven't even told us how you know for a fact that this person is cheating. Has she told you straight out? Or has it been rumored? Is it possible that it's not as it appears?

These are all factors that need to be considered in the equation. Since you may not know all of them, my reccomendation is still...stay out of it. If nothing else, I think you can help the person realize all on their own, what's up. By asking discreet questions, and letting them come up with their own answers. Someone I know did that one time, for a friend of hers. She knew that the womans husband was having an affair with a coworker, and knew when and where the man and her friends wife were meeting. She made arrangements to take her friend out for a drive, and drove by the hotel where they were meeting. When she passed, she said..."Hey, isn't that Lou's Car???". And of course, having already felt something just wasn't quite right, the friend asked her to turn around, and check for certain. That way, she was there to comfort her friend when the affair was discovered, however, her friend didn't feel like a total fool for not realizing it before SHE did. It took an immense amount of discretion, and tongue biting. But...her friends pride was as salvaged as it could be in the situation, and yet, had the knowledge with which to base her decision on.

[WandererInGray]

Originally posted by Danustouch
I still have to agree with Spikespet on this. I've been cheated on, too. And was told by a friend of mine. That was the worst part of the whole thing. I felt SO stupid for not seeing it myself. That SHE could see it, and I couldn't, was probably the most painful part of it. To be told by someone else, made me feel so sick, and depressed. Not to mention, paranoid. I wondered who else knew. I felt so ashamed, I felt people had been going around, and talking about it behind my back. I figured they must have all thought I was the most stupid person in the world. And to tell you the truth..it made me angry.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, I'm just curious. *soft smile*

Sure you were angry....but are you still angry about it? Or are you glad now that you didn't waste any more time with the person who was cheating on you?

Heck ya, I'd feel stupid and angry and a fool...that's what being cheated on does to people *regardless* of how you find out. *shrugs*

Personally, I'd rather find out sooner than later...life is precious, and there's no point in wasting it when you don't have to.

[flar7]

Telling the guy will not definitely kill the relationship, it will make
him decide to action. Save his relationship or abandon it for the
possibility of a better one. Its black or white. If he truly loves
her, he will give her another chance and work it out with her.

I was told, and didnt dump my wife. Tried to work it out several
times before she DUMPED me for her 3rd extra boyfriend. Would
have been better to have ended sooner? For me anyway, not
for her, cause she wouldnt have gotten to meet 3rd guy (who was
my best friend) and marry him.

So, I guess its a matter of perspective. I know that I would tell,
and let that person decide. I wouldnt put it in the hands of one
who couldnt control herself to begin with.

[Dellit Tandannon]

tell him. this happened to me once. all of my friends and my sister knew for two weeks before her boyfriend at the time finally came to me and pretty much said "i figure this should be your own business anyway but she's cheating on you. we found out two weeks ago." now, i was pissed that everyone knew my business for quite a while before i did but its something you kinda need to know.


Originally posted by Yvonne Thomas
I know of a situation where someone's girlfriend is cheating on him at work. Problem is no one knows how to tell him because he really cares for her and we don't want him hurt. He does everything for her and is thinking of the future with her. He deserves to know so he can make his choices knowing all the facts. Any ideas on how to aproach this with him would be apreciated.

[SpikesPet5150]

As Danus said.. there are SO many different circumstances in relationships that may cause the cheating. I'm not saying it's a good thing.. I'm just sayin, do you know all of the information?

The people who told me I was being cheated on... I haven't spoken to them since. We could have created a lasting friendship I'm sure, if they'd have stayed out of it. I'm one of those people that like to keep my relationships (and everything about them) private. And I like to show that same respect to others. I don't care if people are whispering behind my back about it. I don't care if people think I'm a fool for not seeing it. I *did* see it. I was just ashamed and scared and not entirely sure on how to handle it. Pretty much in denial. And then hearing from these people I barely knew that he was cheating... it made it all too real for me and I resented them for it. If I would have handled it on my own, I would have come out a better person, stronger. Not now. I'm bitter, I'm jaded, I didn't have the chance to deal with it in a healthy manner and now... wooo hooo.. I'm in relationship hell. I should be heavily medicated. ;)

It all depends on the situation. There is no black and white answer when it comes to talking to people about personal issues like this. This is up there along the lines of speaking to a mother about her children. It's hard and you need to figure out whats best before you start something you may not want to be involved in at all.

I vote for talking to the woman. Not saying, "You stupid cheating *beep*.." maybe just ask her why she's doing it. Ask her whats *so* distressing in her life that she feels the need to have an affair. Maybe there's some deep problems that she needs help with. Maybe she just has no desire to be with this man and doesn't know how to end it. Maybe she just doesn't give a damn about any of it.
~Bree

**edited to add**

My sister and her husband have an open relationship, sexually. They are very happy and have a wonderfully healthy relationship. And she is sick and tired of people coming up to her and saying, "I saw your husband with so and so." They don't know they have an open relationship... and she understands that... but it just feels like people are meddling where they don't belong. Which is why I say, get all the information first.

[witchywench]

OK...have to give my 2 pence worth.....(my side of things for those who don't speak brit speak...lol)

I have been right there in that situtation, tis a very hard place to be in and a very difficult time for you.

I agree don't get involved but only to a certain point....as much as ya want to be loyal to ya friend it may backfire on you... however there is a middle road here.. but not one everyone will agree with.

One can take this opportunity to help your friend by anonymously engineering that it gets out in the open without endangering ya friendships or you being to blame...I know this sounds sneaky but lets face it if the cheater was gonna be honest they would be NOT cheating, now would they?

Tis an easy thing to do, a slight hiccup in a meeting plan ie..when they meet the lover, makes sure the hurting partner is around...or slip the phone number of the extra person into cheaters coat pocket...ya know use ya imagination....any hint or clue to your friend who is being cheated on will set him on the right path for him to follow himself. If he chooses to not persue this then that is his choice and not one forced on him by a 'do gooder' friend...

Perhaps you can see a way to help, obviously my suggestions will not work for everyone but tis just another side of things for you to think about.

Blessings be upon you and may there be light on your path.

[Phoenix Blue]

**Shakes head** I couldn't do that. I'm not that talented, and I'm not that spiteful. There's a difference between being discreet, and being sneaky.

One of the best models I've seen for dispute resolution is the military's chain of command: if you have a problem with what someone's doing, the first person you talk to is the person that's causing the problem. And then you go from there to whomever you need to speak to next if the person causing the problem won't resolve it herself--in this case, the next person to talk to would be the boyfriend who's being cheated on.

Believe me, I don't think spite or arrogance should play any part in the affair (no pun intended). You're not trying to punish either party by intervening - you're simply doing your best to set a situation straight, after you've been pulled into the situation by knowledge of the fact.

Bree, your solution does sound good--but along with discussing the root cause of the cheating, the young woman still should be counseled to come clean, given the opportunity to do so, or ultimately have it done for her if she's not mature enough to handle the consequences of her own actions. Of course it's better coming from her--but if she chooses not to act, she's forfeited the path of least harm.

Flar, I'd say it would have been better period. :) Nevermind the ex, bro--you have to look out for number one! No one else will. . .

[Raevyn]

I'm surprised people keep commenting on how the person who is the friend and knows should stay out of it lest the cheatee removes them from their life.

In my case, if I valued what a friend thought of me or my own welfare more then their wellbeing I wouldn't consider myself a friend. If it were me and a friend knew and didn't tell me; well I hate lying and withholding truth, and whether I stayed with the person or not I would stop speaking to the friend simply because they were dishonest.

[Kaylara]

Exactly Raevyn.

[Yvonne Belisle]

We really want to say something but we want to do it in a way that will hurt the least.

[WandererInGray]

*sighs* Unfortunately just being as gentle as you can about it. *shrugs* There's no easy way to do this and it's going to hurt no matter what....it's going to hurt a lot.

[earthcat]

My two cents....

Everyone is right. Every situation is different; every person, every couple,
every person involved. In some cases, it is best to tell, in others, it's not. Yvonnne, you're the one that knows these people; follow your heart.

When, as teenager in a very intense relationship, I caught my boyfriend cheating, I asked my brother why he didn't tell me. His answer? "I thought you knew. Everyone did." I was crushed....
In my early twenties, I was accused of telling a girl her boyfriend was cheating. I hadn't, but no one believed me. I lost my boyfriend, my circle of friends, and my home over that one.
When in my mid twenties, my boyfriend and I gently told a friend that her boyfriend was cheating. (All involved were friends.) There was a huge blowup, then then everyone made up, and life went on.
I have a relative that cheats on his wife constantly. No one has told his wife; no one ever will. Her revenge would be nasty and endless.....
And I ask that none of you rebutt that last one. You just don't know the situation....
I haven't experienced PB's option; but that too, is a possibility.

Look at the situation from all angles, then make your decision. You're in a tough spot, Yvonne, and I wish you the best.
The only advice I have for you is this: Should you decide to tell your friend, (or the cheater), don't do it alone, if possible. When the he sees 2 caring, loving friends that are trying to help him, he can't focus his anger (if that is his reaction) on just one. And if that is his reaction, then you have someone to turn to. It is for both the your friend's protection, and yours, that 2 people tell him.
(((((((((Yvonne)))))))))

[Yvonne Belisle]

Thank you Earthcat there seem to be an endless array of possibilities here. The fact that we think that she may be laying plans for the future and manipulating him tends to make us more inclined to do something so that he can make informed choices about his future. He deserves to know before he makes serious commitments in good faith. Then the choice to work things out or call things off is his and there will be no more feelings of guilt because we will feel he is in possesion of all the facts that we have.

[Danustouch]

Well...i looked up some online advice columns..to see what they said. Here are some links.

http://www.handbag.com/relationships/jennitell/
(be sure to read the HOW TO TELL part)

http://www.loveadvice.com/Columns/COL_0502.HTM

http://www.loveadvice.com/Columns/COL_1998.HTM

[Yvonne Belisle]

Thank you Danustouch the articles should help. :)

[Danustouch]

Yvonne, one more piece of advice. If you decide to tell him that she is cheating it....don't do it on the "Fear" or "Idea" of what she MAY do in the future. Do it based upon her current actions. Filling him with fear and dread about the future isn't going to help him, in any way. Plus, you can't really know the cheaters mind, for certain. Things could change...SHE could change...when you tell him, IF you tell him, don't share your fears of what she might be planning. Simply tell him what she has done so far...and be there for him. When he knows the truth, he will have to make up his own mind. If he asks you for advice...THEN you can tell him. But from experience, I can tell you...unless that advice is ASKED for, it will create resentment. A person being cheated on can find their whole world crumbling at their feet. They are confused, and they need to think things through in their own way, in their own time. Your role, is to be there to "listen" not to give advice unless specifically asked for. If you list off a bunch of fears and worries you have about his future, you are influencing his decision. And whatever decision he comes to, should be his OWN decision. If not, and he regrets the decision later, he may very well resent you for your influence. That is why the first link i provided you with said to tell him with the least emotion as possible. Be careful not to "slam" the cheater....though it may be hard. Instead, use messages like..."I'm so sorry for you". "This is unfair to you". "You deserve honesty in a relationship" etc. Stay away from things like..."She's such a jerk for doing this." "She's rotten" "The Schemeing, conniving......." those aren't helpful things to indulge in, as much as you may WANT to do that. Remember, despite her cheating, this person LOVES her. And what he'll be recalling, are all the GOOD parts of her, and grieving over them. Be a shoulder, and an ear. Not a mouth :)

[Yvonne Belisle]

The fears are a motivator as to why he should be told but they would not be discussed with him they are mearly part of why we feel he needs to be told now. If they get married or have a kid while she is still behaving in this manner it won't just hurt him. :( He needs to know before things go that far then the ball is back in his court without the hidden ones.

[Danustouch]

Eve, I'm sure you can't reveal too much.... but...How well do you know these people? You never really answered that. Were they friends of yours for a long time? Are you friends with both the cheater and the Cheatee? I could understand your concern, if the person was a very long time, good friend. But if it's a friend you've recently made, or a casual friend, I really don't think you should get yourself involved. Also...do you have absolute PROOF of the cheating, or is it suspicion?

[Flar's Freyja]

Originally posted by Raevyn
I'm surprised people keep commenting on how the person who is the friend and knows should stay out of it lest the cheatee removes them from their life.

In my case, if I valued what a friend thought of me or my own welfare more then their wellbeing I wouldn't consider myself a friend. If it were me and a friend knew and didn't tell me; well I hate lying and withholding truth, and whether I stayed with the person or not I would stop speaking to the friend simply because they were dishonest.

Many people knew that my ex was cheating on me, and no one said a word, including my ex-mother in law. When I found out, I not only felt stupid but very, very hurt. My mother in law told me even more than I had found out about several years later. Maybe people thought they were sparing my feelings, but they could have saved me a few years of time wasted with this man.

It would be better if he heard it from her and if there's some way you can get her to tell him with the ultimatum that if she doesn't, you will, that would be best.

I also agree with Danus that you would need to be absolutely sure before you took any action.