rituals for the dead

[Amulya]

I lost a baby when i was 14 years old she was still born she dont have a graves and i dont have her ashies

but i was woundering if there is any rituals for her than i can do now it been years since this happened but am only now faceing this

i would like to remember her in some way

Aamanee

[~Audra~]

first of all, i'm sorry for your loss...

IMO, you first have to understand your personal feelings towards the situation...sometimes just the act of really paying attention really hearing your own emotions and your own thoughts is very powerful...try lighting a candle in remembrance and sit before it, meditating on those thoughts and feelings...

you don't need anything fancy for any ritual...all you need is your entire body, soul, and mind to be present...you intent must be fully understood...sometimes keeping things simple is a true blessing and you'll feel much better knowing that there's no such thing as truly "messing up" when you're doing things for yourself...just do what you feel is right and what you know to be pure...

[Artiste-LiLi]

I am sorry for your loss. I too lost a child, though much earlier in my pregnancy than you.

You don't need ashes, you don't need a gravesite.....you just need your heart in the right place and your mind in the right frame.

In light of that I offer these suggestions:

You do not say if she was named...if she was not named....name her. Give her a name, an "identity" unique to her.

Write her a letter. Tell her all the things in your heart and mind, explain your name choice (either at her birth or what you select now) for her, tell her of the circumstances of her creation, entry to this world and what followed, tell her how you feel, tell her all the things you want her to know.......then say a prayer and burn the letter and allow the smoke to carry your words to her. If you wish you can bury the ashes of that letter and use that as a "connected space" to her. I personally feel that our "connected space" to our loved ones who have passed resides within us..but some people *need* an actual *place* to go to, to feel that connection.

[lavenderdawn]

I'm so sorry for your loss. All the suggestions have been good ones. Don't worry about doing something wrong, follow your heart and your inner knowing. Honor her in your own way, perhaps pick a meaningful anniversary to do a honoring ritual. You can talk to her in meditation, offer flowers or toys, begin a journal of letters to her, there are many ways to connect to her and help release your feelings of loss. Use what feels right for you.

I've found that death and grieving are challenging to us in the modern age because we are discouraged from being open about it. There is a huge social stigma about death. Know that the path you are beginning to walk accepts and honors all stages of being. Death is not an ending. You may want to read THE PAGAN BOOK ON LIVING AND DYING by M Macha Nightmare and the Reclaiming Collective. It has helped me plan grieving and honoring rituals.

Good Fortune and Peace on Your Journey.

[MonSno_LeeDra]

Aamanee,

Please don't take this as being harsh or unfeeling but all the candles and stuff are pure garbage until you decide just what and why you need to do this. Yes a spark was lost before it had a chance to bloom and grow before it could take root in the present. Yet that spark still lingers in both your soul and in the world you see about you.

But what would you honor and remember and why? Would it be to remember and come to terms with the part of you that faded with it? To ease the pain that one has as they hold a piece of the pain that they did something wrong to make it happen or occur? Would you try to honor and remember her for what you think she may or should have become? Would you honor and remember her as the light that flickered for a bried moment and caste it's glow upon you?

I realize these are painful questions and difficult to face, even with the passage of time to lighten thier load. Yet they are things that must be faced to remember that which has passed.

Do you recall the pleasure and excitement of the womb? The flicker of life as it stired within the depths of your body and soul? Though the light faded that charge is one only a mother can feel and understand.

Would you honor and remember her via the pain of loss or through the light she filled you with? My wife lost our first child and greaved for it but she also remembers it for the heat and energy that filled her for the brief moment in time the child and her were one.

You also have to decide, is the spirit of your child earth bound to you? Do you hold it here as you try to come to terms with loss? Have you buried part of yourself that holds the childs spirit to you and can not be freed for either until that release occurs.

You wish to remember her but what facet would you recall? What wuld you do in ritual for her and for yourself? What do you feel you must do?

In some ways you have been a spirit keeper for many years. Allowed the spirit to live it's life via you and carried it's pain and demise. Cried for it and laughed as well. It is part of you and you part of it.

But like I said earlier none of the candles or prayers will matter until you decide what it is that you want to do and the why of it. But remember to that rituals and such are for you not the spirit that has passed. It is through strength of self that we hold them to us or set them free to go on thier journey. Often setting ourselves free in the process of letting them go on.

[Lunacie]

I am sorry for your loss. I too lost a child, though much earlier in my pregnancy than you.

You don't need ashes, you don't need a gravesite.....you just need your heart in the right place and your mind in the right frame.

In light of that I offer these suggestions:

You do not say if she was named...if she was not named....name her. Give her a name, an "identity" unique to her.

Write her a letter. Tell her all the things in your heart and mind, explain your name choice (either at her birth or what you select now) for her, tell her of the circumstances of her creation, entry to this world and what followed, tell her how you feel, tell her all the things you want her to know.......then say a prayer and burn the letter and allow the smoke to carry your words to her. If you wish you can bury the ashes of that letter and use that as a "connected space" to her. I personally feel that our "connected space" to our loved ones who have passed resides within us..but some people *need* an actual *place* to go to, to feel that connection.

THIS is what I think I would do. Lovely suggestion Ariste-Lili. Funny, I was just talking to my granddaughter about an hour ago about the first baby that her mother miscarried just a couple of months before she got pregnant with Katlin. She thought it would be nice to plant a rosebush in memory of the one that got away.

:hugz:hugs to Amanee for your loss.

[Amulya]

MonSno_LeeDra I did find your post very harsh and upseting

i lost my baby when i was only a child myself i wasnt aloud to grieve for her or even name her i was in an abustive situation and didnt even know i was pregant when i gave birth asking if i felt her life in me has made me feel as if i was so stupid not to know i was pregant i didnt feel life i felt fear everyday fear of abuse or even death

i just want to remember her in some way let her know that i love her and miss her


Thank you everyone else for you kindness and ideas
today i got a pink toy cat and named it Shannon after her
i have started to write a letter to her

[MonSno_LeeDra]

amanee,

I trully was not trying to be harsh and upsetting nor unfeeling of your pain and loss. My question of feeling her in the womb was to recall the life, even if for only a few brief moments.

But to me it seem's two children died and need to be morned and shown they were loved and cared about. The child that was robbed of it's youth and need and the child who slipped into the night.

Perhaps the ritual that is needed is one to welcome the other ruptured part back in as a loving needed part of yourself and give the other the identity it was denied. In the process of recognization giving both that which was denied them. Allowing one child to help the other to cross yet know it's crossing is filled with an undying love and that just as your child is carried and returned to you so to is small spark you bore.

Though missed it will always be a part of you and will forever hold a spot in your self, as mother and daughter and daugher and mother. And maybe a constant reminder that gone does not mean forgotten nor shall she be forgotten as long as the child lives in you.

Some would say to light a white candle but I would light a gold one for gold is spirit snd life. And I think you honor and remember her spirit and life and perhaps another child's spirit and life through her.

If her name be Shannon then I say to Shannon, look you child to your mother, though your light be gone it will forever glow within her and be carried in that place where only love and caring may reside.

[Artiste-LiLi]

MonSno LeeDra,

That is what is meant by "your heart in the right place and your mind in the right frame".

Aamanee,

I think you'll do just fine dear....follow your heart.

[MonSno_LeeDra]

That is what is meant by "your heart in the right place and your mind in the right frame".

I did not know that, honestly I had never heard that phrase before. I do admit though that as a male I did not spend to much time being shown what to feel or think in that regard. Not an excuse only the truth of how I see things and tend to respond to them.

I don't think appropriate for this thread but I wonder if that is one facet of the female / male mysteries and how we are shown to deal with them.

[Artiste-LiLi]

I did not know that, honestly I had never heard that phrase before. I do admit though that as a male I did not spend to much time being shown what to feel or think in that regard. Not an excuse only the truth of how I see things and tend to respond to them.

I don't think appropriate for this thread but I wonder if that is one facet of the female / male mysteries and how we are shown to deal with them.

Not a problem dear that you didn't know it.....it is something of a "Southernism" :hahugh:. lol

And, yes, I do believe that it is one facet of the female/male mysteries. I even thought something along those lines when I read your post and wrote mine. My birth path is strongly divided in that regard...there are female mysteries, there are male mysteries and then there are shared mysteries. As a male, you can not possibly fully know or comprehend the female mysteries...you quite literally do not have the physical capability or "equipment"..................just as I, as a female, can not fully know or comprehend the male mysteries for the same reasons.

Take care now and have a good New Years!