RubyRose
February 8th, 2009, 06:38 PM
Okay, so lately when it comes to my relationship with my husband things have been rocky. Even though we're better than we have been since separating in late November we're still not quite "there" yet.
To add insult to injury, while hubby's mum was away over the weekend, I got an invite from hubby, for the kids and I to see him. I refused to stay the night, knowing how uncomfotable staying in his mother's house would make me, knowing that she wouldn't want me there.
I didn't counter on having similar feelings when it came to a short visit. Actually what I didn't count on was finding a picture, a close up of her, hubby, me and Xander and Lily (while still pregnant with Caleb) with my image cut out. The house itself had not changed much.
I'd like to say I don't care, but I do. No matter how much I've been hurt by anyone throughout myself, I never took such drastic measures as to destroy their image. Why keep a photo if you don't want to leave it whole?
Knowing clearly how my mother in law feels towards me, just makes me realise that it was her driving this whole situation. It most likely would have been her that had to tell everybody what I'd done to her son, only glossing over what events had led to my actions. It would have been her that downplayed my response to my husband's internet affair with a married woman. So many other things seem clearer now, than before when I'd just suspected her of being behind it.
I have reservations and have done for a long while, as to whether or not she even thought I was the right person for her son, or if she just thought I was too broken. Little things that before I used to just brush off, I find that they're making tiny cuts into my exterior and the wall around myself that I thought I'd errected properly enough, so that things like that wouldn't hurt me quite so much. The strength I thought I had, is gone, and my three years of growth that I'd managed from being away from the hurtful relationship that was my mother and me, has all but washed away.
Don't get me started on hubby and I. For a long time, I wanted revenge in the only way I knew how. Striking back at him by having sex with some random guy, just because I wanted to experience, something, someone that wasn't him.
The interesting thing is, I've found 'the guy', and all the small insignificant stuff that I thought would bother me doesn't. The thing that is bothering me is: what if despite ourselves, and our loose mutual knowledge that nothing can really come of it, that it's just mere fun. What if, I find myself drawn to him more than my husband? Now I know, that fact alone should stop me in my tracks, normally it would. Call me selfish, because I want the experience of another guy, having only ever had my husband. How casual can something be, when both parties involved know what the other person is gaining? And before the question is even raised, let me tell you that hubby is aware of it all. Actually if he wasn't so okay with it, I doubt I'd be quite so okay with it myself.
As strange as it'll probably sound. Part of what was stopping me before was simply the fact that I viewed the entire thing far to "black and white" and wrong. Now it just seems rather grey and easier to digest. Maybe that's only because I no longer have to compete with somebody else when it comes to hubby. I wonder if he's worried that he could have to compete for me? Right now though he seems too wrapped up in the fact that it's all just a learning curve for me, or maybe it's just the mere fact that he knows the guy and is totally at ease with my choice.
*shrugs* Sorry for the brain dump all. I've had like 3 hours sleep, and it still largely facinates me that I'm attractive to other guys. Despite "knowing" it, I've never quite felt comfortable in my own skin enough, to really know I had qualities that guys might actually look for in a girl. And more recently having had 3 kids in 3 years, I haven't felt anywhere near as attractive as I probably should.
To add insult to injury, while hubby's mum was away over the weekend, I got an invite from hubby, for the kids and I to see him. I refused to stay the night, knowing how uncomfotable staying in his mother's house would make me, knowing that she wouldn't want me there.
I didn't counter on having similar feelings when it came to a short visit. Actually what I didn't count on was finding a picture, a close up of her, hubby, me and Xander and Lily (while still pregnant with Caleb) with my image cut out. The house itself had not changed much.
I'd like to say I don't care, but I do. No matter how much I've been hurt by anyone throughout myself, I never took such drastic measures as to destroy their image. Why keep a photo if you don't want to leave it whole?
Knowing clearly how my mother in law feels towards me, just makes me realise that it was her driving this whole situation. It most likely would have been her that had to tell everybody what I'd done to her son, only glossing over what events had led to my actions. It would have been her that downplayed my response to my husband's internet affair with a married woman. So many other things seem clearer now, than before when I'd just suspected her of being behind it.
I have reservations and have done for a long while, as to whether or not she even thought I was the right person for her son, or if she just thought I was too broken. Little things that before I used to just brush off, I find that they're making tiny cuts into my exterior and the wall around myself that I thought I'd errected properly enough, so that things like that wouldn't hurt me quite so much. The strength I thought I had, is gone, and my three years of growth that I'd managed from being away from the hurtful relationship that was my mother and me, has all but washed away.
Don't get me started on hubby and I. For a long time, I wanted revenge in the only way I knew how. Striking back at him by having sex with some random guy, just because I wanted to experience, something, someone that wasn't him.
The interesting thing is, I've found 'the guy', and all the small insignificant stuff that I thought would bother me doesn't. The thing that is bothering me is: what if despite ourselves, and our loose mutual knowledge that nothing can really come of it, that it's just mere fun. What if, I find myself drawn to him more than my husband? Now I know, that fact alone should stop me in my tracks, normally it would. Call me selfish, because I want the experience of another guy, having only ever had my husband. How casual can something be, when both parties involved know what the other person is gaining? And before the question is even raised, let me tell you that hubby is aware of it all. Actually if he wasn't so okay with it, I doubt I'd be quite so okay with it myself.
As strange as it'll probably sound. Part of what was stopping me before was simply the fact that I viewed the entire thing far to "black and white" and wrong. Now it just seems rather grey and easier to digest. Maybe that's only because I no longer have to compete with somebody else when it comes to hubby. I wonder if he's worried that he could have to compete for me? Right now though he seems too wrapped up in the fact that it's all just a learning curve for me, or maybe it's just the mere fact that he knows the guy and is totally at ease with my choice.
*shrugs* Sorry for the brain dump all. I've had like 3 hours sleep, and it still largely facinates me that I'm attractive to other guys. Despite "knowing" it, I've never quite felt comfortable in my own skin enough, to really know I had qualities that guys might actually look for in a girl. And more recently having had 3 kids in 3 years, I haven't felt anywhere near as attractive as I probably should.