The end of the line

[Earthy]

I have suffered from depression for years..but I'm managing it pretty well,or so I thought.
Day to day I am fine but then I have a wobble,I guess this is one of those moments.

I feel as if life is being squeezed out of me,I feel confined in this human shell and I cannot cope with it.I cannot understand life here.I need to scream to let it all out.
I saw a butterfly today and it was so free that I almost burst into tears in the street.There is nobody I can unburden all this to,nobody understands where I am coming from.
I don't know what I believe anymore,I don't know who I am.
i feel like I've wasted the past few years in the things I have read and done.Self help books have not helped at all-and now I'm lost.

I so want to be this loving,wonderful person but I am full of cynicism and suspicion and i fight against it and it persists.What you resist persisits I guess.But even on good days,on positive days,good things still don't happen...I guess because I don't believe I am worthy of good things.
What can I do to feel worthy? How do you learn to like yourself after 30+ years of loathing?

I am sooo sensitive it is ridiculous.I cannot cope with other peoples moods at all,cannot cope with arguments.I cannot understand why there is so much hate and violence,sitting here typing this makes me want to cry.Planet earth seems alien to me.

I wish I was more spiritual,but I'm not.I know everything in my head but my heart feels very little.I am obssessed with death and I fear it so much.I feel abnormal.

I just don't know where to turn anymore.

[brigidrose]

Earthy, you are a wonderful, human being. We all have wobble moments, some people have more than others. I feel those people are more sensitive to the things around them.

Things are happening in our world that is making it harder for people to be around negativity. There is a site that has helped me understand alittle more what is happening. It resonated with me. Take what you want and leave the rest. It might give you a better understanding.
http://www.emergingearthangels.com/2009/wings3.5.2009.html

Hugs and love for you :)

[Amilee]

Aw darling I know, well not exactly how you feel but I do know how you feel for sure! You're definetly not alone. :hugz: We're here for you and MW is a wonderful place to unburden all your screams and rage and anger and sorrows. We'll be more than willing to pick you right back up again.

I agree with brigidrose, there is way too much going on in our world right now and a lot of people can't cope with being around negetivity. Can you blame them? With the radio, tv, newspapers, magazines and books screaming out all the woes of the world?

My dearest earthy, being confined to his human shell isn't forever and we're here for a very good reason. It's up to every individual to find that reason out for themselves so, be free, go out embrace every emotion you feel and go ahead and cry in the damned street if you want to! Be free and do that!

No one will fault you for it. In fact, you know what? They might just start crying right along with you. :hugz: I know I would.

The first step to seeing all the good in the world is recgonizing the good in the world. So take a moment each time somthing good happens no matter how small. Thank it. That butterfly? thank it. The tears you're crying? Thank it. Just say thank you out loud no matter where you are and I'm sure, no I'm positive that things will start shining brightly just like you want them to because, like you said, you want them to, so let them.

[Cloaked Raven]

:hugz: x 1000000000000000000000000000000000000

I don't have any advice to add to what brigidrose and Amilee gave but I'm sending you some energy and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. :hugz:

[Earthy]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post :hugz:
I have felt kind of spaced out all day,and on edge-kind of "butterflies in stomach" feelings.Nervous-but not sure why.

[Teresa]

:hugz: PM sent.

[Childof_theMorrigan]

:hugz:

you're truly not alone, Earthy.

some good advice has been given already... i just wanted to give you a hug and tell you that you are not alone.

i struggle from similar feelings as what you posted here. if i knew the magical answer... i would sure give it to you because i do understand the kinds of things you are talking about and it is a very frustrating and lonely place to be.

when i have a depressive crash... i blog/journal. i spew everything that i'm feeling out into the world. i have an anonymous blog that no one save for a couple of people know i have.. so i can feel free to get my feelings out to the world without fear of hurting someone's feelings. it works for me. its probably THE most theraputic thing i've found for myself over the past 10 years.

i'm not saying this specifically would work for you but it is just another idea to try... try everything that sounds like a good idea.. try everything that doesn't. you never know what will end up speaking to you.

i'm sure it feels overwhelming and frustrating and nearly pointless to even bother. allow yourself a bit of wallowing... but try, each day to push through your comfort zone and your boundaries.. just enough that you have forged new ground but haven't sent yourself off the deep end. little bits are still progress.

i'm helping hands listed (see siggy) and i'm available anytime i'm on MW or on yahoo msgr.

you are worth it and life is beautiful even if sometimes its a beautiful disaster. :hugz:

[Earthy]

Thank you CoTM :hugz:
I have tried blogging,but although I have all these complex thoughts rushing round my head,whenever I try to write it all down,my head goes blank,would you believe it!
It took me ages to write the first post here! I always wanted to be a writer,but find it hard to express myself-oh,the irony :sniffsnif

[Falling Star]

Hi earthy, sending loads of love and light to you,
I think all of us sensitives feel the same way sometimes!
We are becoming ultra-sensitive, and more open to negative energy.god bless.x:thumbsup:

[Kaliel]

Over abundance of Earth's emotions. You call yourself Earthy, well you are, and you are getting hit with the fact that reality just sucks, if you can't mentally escape well then where are you? Where am I? Sitting in front of a computer writing to you, am I doing anything fun? Nope!

You have to find your fantasy . . . live in it, it'll help you feel better about the stupid world around you.

[Shanti]

Sent PM.

[watersprite]

Yes, I think you should take 24 hours away from the telly, the computer, every form of "current" media that you can. Put on your favorite music and do a total cleansing, protection and meditation day. Your house, your body, your mind your chakras, everything. The next 24 hours you get, clean your tools, your altar and refresh for the new season. Plant or re-pot something. New life is needed for you to clean up your outlook.

[raymond]

Hi Earthy. I've read your post and I too would like to help even just a little to let you feel you're not alone. I know we all have experienced trying times in our lives and sometimes we just don't know what to do about it, feeling like things are so hard and you're all alone. But hey, guess what, you're not. I want you to know and put in mind that you are special and a beautiful person. These trying times in your life is a challenge,everyday is a challenge, sometimes it's really hard, but take each day one step at a time, you are a wonderful person Earthy. :smile:
*here are some sites that I've found in the internet, hope it can help! : http://www.depression.comactivity2.html?content=treating&
http://www.depression.com/interview2.html?content=day&

[Willow Rosette]

Ohhhh Earthy!! I wish you could see you the way I see you. The person you want to be....the person you describe...is the exact words I would have used to describe you.


Loving....

Wonderfull.....

BUT the only thing I would change is that those words are an understatment. You might not feel them right this minute but they are more in you than you know.

Sometimes what we search for is closer than we think. What you search for is already inside of you, just waiting to be found.

:hugz:

[Cassie]

I don't know what I believe anymore,I don't know who I am.
i feel like I've wasted the past few years in the things I have read and done.Self help books have not helped at all-and now I'm lost.

Self help is good, but there are times when we need help from others; freinds and professionals.

I so want to be this loving,wonderful person but I am full of cynicism and suspicion and i fight against it and it persists.What you resist persisits I guess.
You always give the impression of being a loving wonderful person and indeed, I believe you are. But of course you have a darker side too. We all do. There is a lot to be said for balance; for trying to integrate the whole of our personality, not pretending that the darker side doesn't exist. The cynicism and suspicion are there for a reason. They are a part of you. It is by denying them that you give them power in a negative way.
Moreover, when you reach out to help other people as you so often do, your words and wisdom carry more weight if people know that you are not some kind of saint untouched by the same doubts and failings that the rest of humanity has.

What can I do to feel worthy? How do you learn to like yourself after 30+ years of loathing?
I can only repeat what I said above and add please try to find yourself a good counselor of some type that can help you reconcile the different aspects of your personality and feel more comfortable with the "wholeness" of what you are.




I wish I was more spiritual,but I'm not.I know everything in my head but my heart feels very little.
Honestly I am sure everybody who takes their spirituality seriously has often felt like that. When we ask questions it can make us uncomfortable, but it is the only thing that helps us to grow. For the record, you are one of the most spiritual people I have met here. Even in the midst of all your doubts you simply ooze spirituality with every post you make.

I am obssessed with death and I fear it so much.I feel abnormal.
If you are abnormal, then so is everyone else! ;)


I just don't know where to turn anymore.
Well you can always turn here for help, support and friendship but I also think you need to go to a doctor and say "I have all the symptoms of clinical depression and I want to beat it. Please suggest a good therapist." And don't be afraid of sensibly prescribed medication if it helps in the short term. (It helped me to get over a crisis many years ago and I have been fine since then).

Take care of yourself Earthy. You are much loved. :hugz:

[SphinYote]

I have suffered from depression for years..but I'm managing it pretty well,or so I thought.
Day to day I am fine but then I have a wobble,I guess this is one of those moments.

I feel as if life is being squeezed out of me,I feel confined in this human shell and I cannot cope with it.I cannot understand life here.I need to scream to let it all out.
I saw a butterfly today and it was so free that I almost burst into tears in the street.There is nobody I can unburden all this to,nobody understands where I am coming from.
I don't know what I believe anymore,I don't know who I am.
i feel like I've wasted the past few years in the things I have read and done.Self help books have not helped at all-and now I'm lost.

I so want to be this loving,wonderful person but I am full of cynicism and suspicion and i fight against it and it persists.What you resist persisits I guess.But even on good days,on positive days,good things still don't happen...I guess because I don't believe I am worthy of good things.
What can I do to feel worthy? How do you learn to like yourself after 30+ years of loathing?

I am sooo sensitive it is ridiculous.I cannot cope with other peoples moods at all,cannot cope with arguments.I cannot understand why there is so much hate and violence,sitting here typing this makes me want to cry.Planet earth seems alien to me.

I wish I was more spiritual,but I'm not.I know everything in my head but my heart feels very little.I am obssessed with death and I fear it so much.I feel abnormal.

I just don't know where to turn anymore.

Earthy, your post struck a chord with me...its virtually identical to how I was feeling last Spring.

I'm not sure how much advice I have to give. For me, the worst of it eventually passed with time, and getting out of the situation, I do know there were external triggers to the more extreme aspects of what I was going through.

Cynicism...yeah, still have that. Obsession and yet fear of death...I think the fear of it was one of the few things that kept me going at that time. And at some level knowing what it would do to the people around me.

Sometimes our shields, our mental defenses fall so low that even gentle prodding feels like someone pouring salt in an open wound. And we react defensively, react with anger, tears....cynicism is a kind of shield. And yet, I don't know about you, but the worse I get, the more I want to shelter the people around me from what I am feeling. And thus I hold it in, am silent....I think last Spring, being able to vent on here, having an outlet, and reading responses, being able to think on them without being expected to respond right away (as in normal conversation)....that was one of my lifelines....

I don't know what your views on therapists are....I'm phobic of them and while I tried going last spring, I'm not sure to what extent my own resistance undermined any help they could have given me.

If you don't plan on going to one, the best advice I can give is this...find something you enjoy doing, or at least find tolerable, and throw yourself into it....it hurts more at first, I know that every time I try, my mind shouts louder at first, all the fears, anger....but once you settle in it gets easier. Learning something new, especially something physical, kinetic, something that you can't phase out and do automatically while your mind wanders, is good. I still think that the powers that be gave me that job in a frameshop for just that reason, because concentrating on learning that (and having to concentrate on that) was probably the best thing for me.

It generated new paths in the mind, and let the ones worn down from worry and anger, fear and pain, get overgrown again so that they were harder to travel on...I had fresh paths to explore in my mind rather than the same old eroding hurtful ones.

Games, when you can concentrate on them, are good, too....tetris, sudoku, logic puzzles....focusing on them helps, once you get past the initial flare-up of negative thought.

:hugz:

Yote

[Flaire-FireStar]

Oh Earthy. :hugz: You are a loving, wonderful person. But I understand the doubt and cynicism, because I deal with it on a daily basis too. I don't have much advice to offer, just hugs, because I'm still trying to come up with a solution for myself. I do have to agree with Yote on finding something to throw yourself into. Anything mindless works (I play the Bubble Popper game in the arcade quite frequently.) as long as you're focusing on that task.

And to quote one of my favorite songs, that I no longer know who sings it or the title (it's a country song, at any rate)
Some days are better than others;
Some nights are twice as long
Some days I'm more than weak
Some days I'm less than strong

You know my PM box is always open for you if you need a sympathetic ear (or eye.)
:hugz:

[Earthy]

Firstly,thank you so much to everybody who replied,either here or through pm's-they really helped more than you can ever know.:hugz:

I am just taking things one day at a time,but I am feeling better than when I first posted this.
It's true,I really do need to find something to focus on.My problem is I get obssessed with things, and then lose interest soo quickly.

But things are slowly getting better

I love you all :hugz: :hugz:

[SphinYote]

.My problem is I get obssessed with things, and then lose interest soo quickly.



Another thing that hits home. :hugz:

I go through an obsessed phase, gather anything and everything that has to do with said subject, then I don't necessarily lose interest right away, but something else grabs my eye....and then I beat myself up over never getting anything useful accomplished. And spending all that money....

Given that I have more books than I can ever possibly read, and will no doubt gather more with the above mentioned habit, and that I am a pack rat who has trouble getting rid of anything, I've decided that my long term goal, if it's ever possible, is to start a library. :uhhuhuh:

Right now I'm rather enthusiastic about a tarot project, but we'll after my basic research on my theme.

I don't know about you, but the mindset for me is that there are so many worthy things to pay attention to, that I actually feel guilty for focusing on one thing....feel like I'm neglecting the other possibilities. And then I'm torn about what to do, indecisive, and don't do anything, then proceed to beat myself up over it while still not accomplishing anything.

There's a saying that it's better to do one thing and do it well, but trying to decide what that one thing is....justifying the expenditure of time, mental resources, etc. You get so caught up in the preparatory details that you get flustered and then the very thought of the subject renews that feeling of confusion and irritation.

I've never been very good at getting around that feeling, and it does get to me, all too often. :hugz:

Little things. Sometimes I have to go through my mind and list to myself the times I've helped people, the time I have made a difference....perhaps someone thanks me for words spoken on the board (that does mean a lot to me....;)), or even the little random acts of kindness, leaving money to pay for the next person's coffee.

Even the small kindnesses we do for others reflect back to us and can make us feel better about ourselves.

Unfortunately if we let it, our bitterness over our mistakes (or perceived mistakes) can cast us into a world of hurt, too.

I have a note to myself in my calendar, so that I see it and am reminded every so often. "When you're overwhelmed by the bad, force yourself tor remember the good." That doesn't just mean count your blessings, the good things that come to you (and for whatever reason that doesn't work for me), but to give yourself a little credit, know that you have done good in the world, and pat yourself on the back for it every now and then. A little bit of pride is a good thing, regardless of what anyone else might say about pride and arrogance (overkill is bad, but a little bit is a lifesaver).

Yote