Warning! Self-Pity Ahead... (really long, sorry)

[Amethyst Rose]

I'm writing this because I'm feeling a little down, like everyone does now and again. I don't want a big pity fest, because I have enough pity for all of us, I just want to get this off my chest because it's bugged me for a really long time, and there's really no one that I can talk to about it, because I don't really have any friends close enough to talk to.... moving around constantly can do that to friendships, unfortunately.

So here's the thing. I think I'm way under appreciated and under respected. I honestly think that no one out there really respects me, or is really proud of anything I've done....nothing I've done really matters or is really important. Everyone I know thinks I'm quite flaky or stupid, or unambitious..... here's a short story about me and how people around me treat me....

I went to University and got my Bachelor of Arts (strike one against, me, you can't do anything useful with that - trust me, I've tried). My original plan was to get into the Education faculty, I wanted to teach highschool students to appreciate Shakespeare, but there were only 15 spots available in the English/Education department, and my marks just didn't cut it (I was .2 away). After 2 years of trying, I decided to just get my BA, and try for something else. I met my husband at school, got married, and tried to get into editing and publishing only to find that no one would take me without my Masters degree, which I can't afford to get, so I'd been working as a receptionist, before I came here.

So, every time I talk to my (younger) sister, currently at University to get her HBSc in Environmental sciences, she treats me like I'm comletely stupid. I get the feeling that my husband's family thinks I'm just mootching off of him, because I'll never do anything meaningful, and a lot of my family thinks that I'm setting myself up to fail because I'm letting a man support me. And my husband thinks I'm a fruity flake because I'm this weird Pagan person, who believes in faries and the Ogo Pogo, and rolls his eyes whenever I mention anything that's slightly religous or supernatural.

I was sitting at home today wishing that I could do something that people would appreciate, that people would look and me and say "now there's a girl with her head on straight" or, "she's really smart" or something along those lines. You know, it doesn't take a whole lot of brain power to type 80 words a minute and that's all I seem to have going for me.

But I realized that there is nothing..... absolutely nothing....that I could do that would make people sit up and take notice. Nothing that I would WANT to do, that would make them think better of me. What do I want to do?? I would be happy editing, but I don't think I'd be passionate about it..... what I'm passionate about is religions, learning about them and speaking about them....I'd probably be very happy with something to do with that. But if I went back to school and got a degree in religious studies, you know what people would think?? That they were right all along, and there's crazy old fruity me, with another useless degree. And they would be right, it'd be useless, I couldn't do anything with it, and I'd be right back where I started.

All I really want is for people to be proud of me and respect me, and I'm not sure if there's a single person in my life who does, and that makes me really, really sad.

[Gwion]

What would you have me do? Seek the patronage of some great man and like a creeping vine on a tall tree crawl upward when I cannot stand alone? No, thank you! Make my knees calous and cultivate a supple spine--wear out my belly groveling in the dust? No, thank you! But... to sing, to laugh, to dream, to walk in my own way and be alone, free, with an eye to see things as they really are, a voice that means manhood--to cock my hat where I choose--to fight, or write, to travel any road under the sun, under the stars, nor doubt if fame or fortune lie beyond the bourne-never to make a line I have not heard in my own heart; and if my nature lacks the seed that grows towering to heaven like the mountain pine, or like an oak, sheltering multitudes, I stand, not high it may be, but alone.
Cyrano, CYRANO DE BERGERAC, Act II, by Edmund Rostand.

[Witchy Cowgirl]

Amethyst I'm so sorry your feeling that way. ((((Amethyst))))
When you don't feel support from the people your closest to then it's understandable that your feeling down.
I also understand what moving around can do to friendships. I've moved bunches too. I don't have many friends either, but that's by choice. Most of the people I've run into lately are dragging trunkfuls of negativity with them and I don't need that in my life.
Maybe it would help if you viewed those who think your mouching off your husband as jealous. I think it would be just wonderful if my husband made enough to support us. And he feels the same way. We tried it for about two years and it just didn't work.
If ya'll move a whole bunch and I'm assuming your husband is in the miltary, then I'd think it would be extremely hard for you to find the type position your looking for. I don't know. What about teaching high school? There again, I don't know what is required. I just know there seems to be a serious shortage of teachers. Or even if you did do the receptionist job - at least it would get you out of the house and exposed to others. Then maybe you'd make a friend or two to talk with - even if you did end up leaving in a couple years. At least they'd be there for you now.

Know that I will be sending energy and love your way!
:heartthro

[Amethyst Rose]

Nah, my husband isn't in the military :) He's a computer programmer....well, web developer. We've moved lots mostly because we go where he can find a job.
As to teaching highschool, to do that I need my teachers certificate, which I couldn't get at university, which is why I only have my BA now.
I really liked my last job, because it was a small family business, and the people there were like a second family to me....but it seemed like everyone sees me as wasting my education.... I feel that way!! I mean, I have a BA!! That's supposed to mean something!! 4 years and $20,000 in student loan debt shouldn't leave me as a receptionist!!
Sigh......

[Witchy Cowgirl]

I went to college for five years and went away with out a piece of paper. Talk about a waste! You shoulda seen the way folks looked at me when I worked at the stock yards and told them I went to college! Chasing the south end of north bound cattle ain't glamourous but I loved it!

Keep looking, something is out there for you. Don't try to find something that is worthy of your education, find something that is worthy of you.:)

[SerenityMoon]

*frowns* isn't your husband supportive of you? instead of calling you a flake, he should be encouraging you and telling his family you aren't mootching....
*hugs* hope you feel better about this soon...it sucks to feel that way.

[Amethyst Rose]

We're working on the "supportive about my religion" thing, and he kinda thinks I"m paranoid about what his family thinks. They've never come out and said it, but I'm empathic, and I know what they're thinking.

[Danustouch]

(((((((((((((((YOU))))))))))))))))))) I've felt the same way at times. No matter what anybody thinks, or says, and believe me, I know it's hard. YOU need to feel proud of yourself. Find something to do, that would make YOU proud of YOU. And then, when you started feeling underappreciated again, try and center yourself, and remind yourself..."All that matters in life, is that I am proud of MYSELF!". Have you thought, maybe of writing a book, starting an e-zine, or anything of that effect? Since you enjoy speaking about religions? You don't need a Masters to do that :) It might be something worth trying your hand at :) A sort of "Forum" where you can express your opinions, and thoughts, and perhaps educate, or bring comfort to others ??? I'm only making suggestions, because I don't know if you've considered any of these alternatives for yourself. They just might be able to help you feel that you are doing more, than typing 80 words a minute at a receptionist job :) If you are using your mind, your creativity, your education, etc....it might make you hold your head up a bit higher when your inlaws are rude, or your hubby rolls his eyes..

I'm so sorry for your situation. I wish we could all be there to make you feel a little less isolated, and a lot more appreciated...

Oh..wait..we're right HERE! and we DO appreciate you :) !

[Amethyst Rose]

Actually, I started writing a book before I came here, and had to leave all my resources at home.... about Eclectic wicca in the computer world....living and dealing with online interactions and communities was a big part of it....

But that was when I had all my books and stuff to go off of. Now it's slow work, I work on it every now and again.

[Faery-Wings]

(((((Amethyst))))) BTDT! I truly know how you feel. I have a dual degree in Elem. Ed. and Psycholgy, graduated in both with Highest Honors, Teacher's Certificate from Nursery to Eighth Grade. I loved teaching young children and took a job teaching PreK until I stayed home with my kids. My dad used to joke "I spent all that money on college and you cut out paper dolls?" He meant it funny but .... And now I don't even do that. I have all these pieces of paper so I can vaccuum, grocery shop and do laundry every day.

Danu has great ideas. I was going to suggest somethings similar. Also in NJ you can teach with just a BA in a private school or in public schools, you can go "alternate route." All you have to do is take the Certifiaction Test (NTE, I believe) and hold a BA. It isn't always easy to get a job that way, but it might be an option to consider. I was also thinking... what if you started classes on your own. Like after school or through the Adult Eduaction if you have that where you are.

And I'll also second Danu- you are appreciated here!

[Semele]

We love and appreciate you and I am sure your husband does as well. Sometimes calling us flaky is, in a strange way, a term of endearment. Like, I call my husband a nerd or geek and plenty of other things, but mean it in a loving way. I wouldn't have anyone else. Besides, if he gives you too much grief just tell him that a programmer worth his weight doesn't have to MOVE to a job...it comes to him! ;)

About all the college stuff and some of you folks saying it was a waste of time...shame on you!! You may not have a piece of paper, or the one you have may be useless for your career, but it is never wasted time. Just like every other experience in your life, you gained something.

As for a job you can love...just follow your heart. the answer is there. It may not be a well paying career that you would think others would be proud of, but if you love it and it is your souls work, then that is what matters. Am I right Chris? You are doing your souls work and loving it, and when your kids are grown you can go back to getting paid for it!!

Sweetie, you can't please everyone, so you might as well focus the energy on yourself. I think you will find that as you begin to love and respect yourself more others will naturally follow. If not, it is thier loss.

[Valnorran]

I've got my B.A. and a teaching certification and it hasn't done me a hell of a lot of good. Of course, I made the mistake of majoring in social studies education. I should have majored in physical education. I'd be a principal by now.

I've also come to the conclusion that if I did something that impressed people in a world as fouled up as this one, it probably means I've made a horrible mistake. I do what works for me and to hell with everything else because no matter how hard you try you will never please many people at one time without sacrificing a huge portion of your soul.

[Yvonne Belisle]

st want to get to where my bills are paid and then do a home buisness so I can be a housewife. I love my job but I don't want to do it since I am not home with my kids which is what makes me happy.