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Rayn13
March 20th, 2009, 06:14 PM
So my honey's mom had a tumor and she asked me to stay her their house while she's recovering, just to help out. Here's the previous post about it http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=211948

So the surgery went very well! Luke and I pretty much just slept on the floor the whole time. They said that it dose not look cancerous at all but they're still going to check it, so we're all very relieved.

BUT, i have two buts. Her pastor came and did the reading scripture and praying that and it made me sick to my stomach.....? does that happen to anyone else? and two, they kicked me out. Luke Sr, just kinda flipped I guess, he said I was a bad influence on Luke, I didn't help out around the house and that I'm disrespectful....so I packed up everything and left. I was just trying to help, Joyce asked me to be there....? I have no idea what happened.

Caitlin.ann
March 20th, 2009, 10:23 PM
What exactly do you think could have set him off?

daphnerose
March 21st, 2009, 12:45 AM
You did a wonderful thing in staying with them and being there for them in their difficult time. I think what is happening right now is just fear from them. I really wouldn't take it personally. I know its hard. But I really do think they are just reacting right now on alot of mixed up emotions, and you as the outsider of the family are bearing the brunt of it. I would bet after Mom starts feeling better things will change. Believe me, I know how hard it is to deal with this sort of thing. Just try and keep that loving thought that you had originally in your heart. If you keep your intentions true, that alone is all YOU need. Please, please don't harbor resentment towards them. They really are having a tough time right now. I know that you are only trying to be a good person. Just keep on being that, and don't let their stresses drag you down.
Hugs to you
daphnerose

Morgaine_cla
March 21st, 2009, 01:17 AM
...Her pastor came and did the reading scripture and praying that and it made me sick to my stomach.....? does that happen to anyone else?

If you are asking whether anyone else has experienced pushy soul-savers, then yes, I definitely have.

My mother was not pagan, but she hadn't attended church since we were toddlers and was never especially religious. However, when she became terminally ill pastors from every church in town made daily visits to the ICU urging her to let them "save her immortal soul". They told this dying woman that she would be damned for eternity if she refused them. She refused them anyway, but still they kept coming and they refused to leave at our request. The hospital staff refused to stop them.

At my mother's deathbed one of the ICU nurses came in, slapped a set of headphones on my mother and started blasting Christian hymns at literally deafening volume. When we demanded she remove them she informed us that it would help to get my mother to "heaven"... When we tried to remove the headset or turn down the volume the nurse became militant and combative. When we complained, the hospital said it could not interfere with the nurse's religious beliefs. (This was a public hospital, by the way, not a Christian charity hospital.) As far as I am concerned, those pastors stole some of the last minutes of my mother's life, and the nurse robbed us all of any possibility for a few moments peace with her at the end... I will never forget it.

Each time I've told this story well-intentioned people have offered various explanations, justifications, and rationalizations for this appalling behaviour. But as far as I am concerned horning in uninvited on someone's last moments and trying to take advantage of their vulnerability is not spiritual -- it's criminal, no matter the reason, and such conduct should be universally condemned...

Now... that said, if you were asking whether hearing pastors reading scripture makes me sick, then I would have to say it never did before that experience -- but it certainly has since then. I hope your experience of Christian clergy was more benign.

I am very sorry to hear how shabbily you have been treated by people for whom you sought to do a kindness. People's reactions in these situations are often unfathomable. All I can say is that the anger people feel at their own helplessness when confronted with the possible loss of a loved one often causes them to act out in ways they might not otherwise. This can be true even when the perceived danger seems to have been averted, because it takes people's emotions awhile to catch up with current reality. Anger is also one of the main steps in the grieving process. Perhaps when the doctors announced their findings, Luke Sr.'s feelings (anger, guilt, fear, grief, etc.) about possibly losing his wife were suddenly projected onto his son. Blaming you would allow him to feel he'd regained some control, that he could control the outcome(s), providing a release for these emotions... etc., etc.

Once some time has passed and you can reflect on these events objectively, it might be worth considering the merits of such an explanation and, if it seems plausible, asking how your presence or actions might have amplified people's fears (or guilt, or other emotions). People are seldom rational when in the grip of their own deepest anxieties. Knowing where to find the likely buttons can help us to avoid accidentally pushing them, and make difficult circumstances easier for all concerned. This does not justify their behaviour, but it can empower you to move through similar situations more comfortably.

Blessings,
Morgaine

Rayn13
March 21st, 2009, 03:39 AM
Thank you all so much. I really just needed to get it our of my system and have someone talk me down. I was so ready to just book a plain ticket home. rawr. thank you.

Morgaine, I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry they stole that from you, damn them for it! :meanhead: Thank you so much. Your words were very helpful. -hug-

oceandreams
March 21st, 2009, 12:23 PM
How does your partner feel about how you've been treated?

Rayn13
March 21st, 2009, 03:33 PM
He says that there's nothing he can do. He's sad that his dad feels that way but other then that... nothing.

:(

mayu
March 22nd, 2009, 05:04 AM
how long have you been married hon?

you did say in your first post that they do become aggresive when scared so maybee they are lashing out at anything they see as not good for his mum at this time however stupid that may be.

its not good that your husband is not sticking up for you, i wouldnt be happy on that one.

Lunacie
March 22nd, 2009, 09:59 AM
So my honey's mom had a tumor and she asked me to stay her their house while she's recovering, just to help out. Here's the previous post about it http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=211948

So the surgery went very well! Luke and I pretty much just slept on the floor the whole time. They said that it dose not look cancerous at all but they're still going to check it, so we're all very relieved.

BUT, i have two buts. Her pastor came and did the reading scripture and praying that and it made me sick to my stomach.....? does that happen to anyone else? and two, they kicked me out. Luke Sr, just kinda flipped I guess, he said I was a bad influence on Luke, I didn't help out around the house and that I'm disrespectful....so I packed up everything and left. I was just trying to help, Joyce asked me to be there....? I have no idea what happened.

So... the vibes from the visiting pastor gave you the heebie-jeebies and after he left your fiance's father kicked you out? I'd suspect that his dad began feeling guilty over letting you and your fiance sleep together because of how it looked to the pastor. And yet he was apparently fine with it before that.

I agree with mayu, your fiance needs to talk to his father about this. His father is certainly within his rights to have whatever feelings he has, and also within his rights to say whether you can sleep with your fiance while you're under his roof. However... he could have explained his feelings and he definately should have said "thank you" for everything you had been doing to help. If your fiance doesn't stand up for you now, you're going to have to let his family treat you badly forever or just stop visiting them at all - and that's not good for the relationship between you and your fiance.

Good luck, it took a long time for me to realize that it was up to my hubby to speak to his gramma about how she treated me, and then it took awhile longer for him to work up the nerve to do so. Eventually I ended up estranged from his gramma and I stayed home while he visited her. I think if he had spoken to her sooner it might have worked out differently but she just couldn't change after such a long time.

sari0009
March 22nd, 2009, 11:21 AM
So my honey's mom had a tumor and she asked me to stay her their house while she's recovering, just to help out. Here's the previous post about it http://mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=211948

So the surgery went very well! Luke and I pretty much just slept on the floor the whole time. They said that it dose not look cancerous at all but they're still going to check it, so we're all very relieved.

BUT, i have two buts. Her pastor came and did the reading scripture and praying that and it made me sick to my stomach.....? does that happen to anyone else? and two, they kicked me out. Luke Sr, just kinda flipped I guess, he said I was a bad influence on Luke, I didn't help out around the house and that I'm disrespectful....so I packed up everything and left. I was just trying to help, Joyce asked me to be there....? I have no idea what happened.

Usually people who don't stand up to toxic ways of their parents somehow fear, abhor, denounce but (deep down somehow, usually behaviorally) identity with and then (later rather than sooner) copy behavioral patterns, often in passive-aggressive (very convoluted, confusing) ways rather than direct honest communication that names things, gets down to the roots of things, and puts everything on the table. The delayed revelations and lack of clarity, after months or years of damaging a relationship, result from insufficient examination and forging of new behavioral patterns more conducive to equality.

Are you unequally yoked as to which power paradigm (http://www.xanga.com/sari0009/657912177/virtues-piloting-who-we-are/) you favor/live, behaviorally?

oceandreams
March 26th, 2009, 05:17 AM
I understand if your partner wants to keep the peace with his family but my biggest problem with the whole situation if I were in your shoes would be the lack of support and understanding from somebody who's supposed to be putting me first!

Sounds like it's a rough time for all of you at the moment though. I think you've done the best you could for them and you've definitely been the bigger and stronger person in all of this by going along with their wishes. You can walk away from them knowing you've done as much as you can for the family :)