problems, really long, sorry.

[Saphra]

Sorry to vent to you guys, but I have no one else to vent to.... so here it goes:

Everyone says to stay out of it, but how can I when I see my best friend getting hurt? Better me telling her then letting her live with a scum sucking cheater she is with.....

Just found out a week ago, that my best friends boyfriend (and room mate) has cheated on her. He says it wasn't anything big, just a few kisses, a little fondling..... and something else thats a little too adult for the younger readers of this thread, and he admitted to doing these.

The girl he cheated with is a pathalogical liar, so she had me, one of my other friends and a few other that they had actually slept together, when in fact, as we are finding out as we go along, that they didn't, but still, that other thing they did would be enough to make me leave the jerk.

She is so naieve sometimes, she says that he is really sorry, and that he is trying to do better.

A little more insight into the relationship, she works, he doesn't,s he pays the bills, he doesn't, she brings home her paycheck, he takes it, she is really sweet, he is a jerk and treats her like crap.

Anyway, she said he is kissing up, acting more like the 25 year old he should be, he's going out to get a job, he'll let her go out with her friends, etc.

I have tried to talk to her, asked her how many times he has done the same thing when she treatened to break up with him. How many times he has changed his attitude, and just when they get back together, he changes back to his old ways.

I don't want to stand back and let the only other person in my life that I love (besides my family) is setting herself up to get hurt. I can't stand it.

And now I look like the bad guy, to her boyfriend at least, cuz I had to tell her what he did. She says she still loves me and we will still be best friends, but I see us drifting even now. I don't want to lose my best friend, but I don't see how we can remain friends if he isn't going to let her hang out with me.

I've been talking to the goddess, but she isn't saying much..... maybe it will all work out int he long run, maybe we arn't destined to remain friends, but I don't have many friends, and if I lose her, I've lost part of myself, because we are so connected to each other, we know when the other is in pain, sad, happy, hurt.... (we would make the perfect couple, if we weren't both straight!)

Sorry, had to think of somethign that would make me smile, cuz my keyboard is flooded now with my tears.
I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I can't seem to help it right now.
I will now let you get back to the previously scheduled thread. Good night......

[flar7]

speak with you friend about it. talk from the heart. also, if you think
you can, talk to her boyfriend. If she is willing to forgive then you
should try to too. Tell him that you are trying to forgive him for it.
(say it in a nicer and less accusing way) If he says he's mad at
you, then let him know it was his responsibility to tell in the first
place. If he loves her he will understand that. Speaking with
your friend and working to not lose touch, even to the annoyance
of boyfriend if he doesnt like it, is the best thing you can do. If she
wants to make the relationship work, and feels you are a hindrance
then you should honor her wishes, but from what you said I think
she will choose to always be your friend.

[Witchy Cowgirl]

That's really a hard one.
But Flar is right if she wants to stay with him - no matter how big a jerk you think he is - you should stand by her decision.
Just be sure to be there for her cause from what you said she will need your shoulder again.
((((Saphra))))

[SpikesPet5150]

I've always resented when my friends tell me my boyfriend sucks (well, not the one I have now... the ones before). I've lost a few friends over it. To me, a friend is not supposed to be there to protect me from bad things... only to be there to help pick me back up when I fall. You can't protect your friend, you can't fix her problems. Just be there for her. And Flar is right... if she can find it in her heart to forgive him, you should too. It's not your problem, and it's only going to cause you more grief if you allow your distaste for this man get in the way of your friendship. Good luck with this.
~Bree

[MagickHLHgurl]

i completely agree bree....i know you completely hate the way he's treating her but she won't listen or see it till she's ready and oh buddy do i know that!

[Saphra]

well, me and her boyfriend were friends before they even got together, we have been "friends" for about 8 years or so, and we have always had a love/hate friendship..... we love to hate each other. And I do see what all of you are trying to tell me, I really do, but I have picked her up so many times when she has fallen, and she still hasn't learned, how do I pick her up this time? I'm always there, I listen, I console, but it seems when I have a problem, she is there for me, just as long as he says she can be....
How do you tell someone that their life doesn't revolve around their significant other? Maybe it's just because I'm lonely and depressed that I see things this way, oh well.
Okay, the self-pitying me is over now....... back to happy me..... :)

[SpikesPet5150]

I understand what you're saying. I have friends like that too. Seems like they're a glutton for punishment. You see them repeating the same patterns over and over and you're constantly there, picking up the pieces afterwards and it's so tiring. Sometimes you just wanna scream, "WAKE UP!!" But you can't. You just gotta grin and bear it. It's what being in a friendship means. You have to let her make her own mistakes. I know it's hard, and you're not having a pity party, hon... you're just venting. :) Thats what we're here for.
~Bree

[Saphra]

I just want all of you to know, I am so glad I came here and you guys welcomed me in, I feel like I can say anything here and I wont be laughed at, embarassed or harassed (okay maybe just a little harassed:) )..... Thank you all so much (((hugz for everyone)))

[Flar's Freyja]

I've had many friends who ask for advice and then end up doing what they want, and that's fine. The best you can do is try to help and if your friend is not receptive, let go and let Goddess. Listen and support but realize that whatever happens is your friend's decision. It's not worth losing a friendship over. I hope it all works out for all of you and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[flar7]

now for some, their life does revolve around their signicant other.
I wont let go of my friends for anyone, but I will see them less if
my partner earnestly wished it.:( The trick is, a true partner has
your best interest at heart, including the happiness of friends.
They and you can be jealous, thats natural, just rise above it.

After you have said your piece, its outta your hands.:)

[WandererInGray]

Originally posted by SpikesPet5150
But you can't. You just gotta grin and bear it. It's what being in a friendship means.
*raised eyebrow* Just my two cents, but that is *not* what being in a friendship means.

Sometimes it means taking a stand when it matters, holding onto your convictions....no matter what the cost.
I wouldn't swallow my own beliefs and ethics for anyone, not even a friend.

[SpikesPet5150]

This conversation isn't about ethics or beliefs. I used that phrase in context with the rest of my post and you obviously didn't get that. You can't force your friends to do things is what I was trying to say.
~Bree

[WandererInGray]

Um....since the conversation is about friendship, a nasty relationship and what one should do about it, I'd say it's very much about ethics and beliefs.

I had a friend who objected strongly to my relationship with Phoenix, she was afraid of what he would do to me. And she voiced those fears.

Now as it turns out, those fears were false, and yes our friendship suffered a blow that we're still working to rebuild from.

But I admire her for staying true to her beliefs even though she knew to voice them would cause tension.

It's not about making someone do something....it's about being a friend. And as I said in my opinion being a friend means Saphra telling her what she sees (and what I'm seeing from her description is a man who has the potential to be very abusive and controlling)....regardless of what it does to the friendship.

In my mind I'd be no friend at all to just stand by and say "oh well, they have to fall on their own, besides they won't listen to me"

Sometimes friends do listen to the advice of their other friends.