Really confused

[amazonkls]

My sisters called me last night while I was at work - they took my mom to the ER. Mom has past issues of alcohol and depression. She's been through formal treatment twice, said that she's been going to meetings, said that she's been taking care of herself. I live quite a distance away, I couldn't verify. My sisters have kids, jobs, and other committments and couldn't check in all the time. When somebody would try to get together with her she would never allow it at her house, it was always out someplace else. We would talk over the phone, and wonder, but kept taking her at her word. Deep down we all had that "gut feeling" that she was lying, little knowing how bad it was.

My youngest sister called me, totally numb. The house has been foreclosed on (which we knew) but Mom had said not to worry, she had a new place to live. That turned out to be the first of the untruths. The house that she's living in was completely filthy. The water had been turned off, no TP, it appeared that she had been going to the toilet and letting it spill out. There was rotten food everywhere, garbage from one end to the other, unpaid bills scattered - a totally different scenario than what we had been raised with. I'm making the drive this weekend to see Mom. Based on the connection I have with my sister, I've "seen" how it is right now. It's bad. Now, we don't know if the state will keep her - physically, technically, she's fine. Mentally she's not. She needs help, again, and we are at a loss on how to get that to her, considering we don't have the funds if the state won't take care of her.

We've been through this before with Mom. The last two times I was living much closer, so I was able to check in on her more, I could visit with her more, and she didn't get to quite this point. We all did the best we could while making it abundantly clear to her that she was expected to also take care of herself. She was enrolled in outpatient programs, she was taking her antidepressants, she was eating correctly for her diabetes. Yet it seemed as if that the only reason she did was because she knew someone would check in on her, never for herself.

Yet as much as I love my Mom, and I know that this is due to her disease, I'm resenting her too. Doesn't she care how much hell she's put us through? Now, for the third time? I understand being suicidal. I've faced that point a few times in my life. If she is suicidal, why go down this slow path? I want to love her the way that I did when this first started, I want to have that same love and understanding. This time, though, I'm having a much harder time. And that's what has me confused. I feel selfish myself, because I want it to just be over, one way or the other. Part of me feels aweful for that, and part of me is like, "why not? If she doesn't care enough about herself or any of you, then why should you care?" My sisters are in the same boat - we love her, but we are tired. It's hard for any of us to drop our own lives, to revolve around her yet again.

My first thought is that I want the best outcome that will benefit her. I try to keep that thought firmly in my head. Yet there is that niggling voice back behind that says why bother? she's not going to do better this time so why try? Or am I just trying to justify myself to myself and the world, so that I can appear to be a better person than what I actually feel I am?

I need help sorting this out. I don't want to bury this, because it will explode and I need to remain in control, so that I can best help Mom and my sisters. Please, if you can help me untangle this I would really appreciate it.

[Annorah]

I am really sorry that you are going through all of this.

I hope that you can get your Mum the help that she needs.

:hugz:

[Zephii]

First up, no, you're not a bad person and no you're not making excuses for yourself. It's perfectly normal and reasonable to feel the way that you do. It might feel like a huge role-reversal, it might feel like you're wasteing your time helping her, it might feel like she doesn't appreciate anything that you and your sisters do. You might ask yourself if you are doing it because you love her and want to help or simply because society expects you to... And that's completely ok! That's how our minds deal with these huge stressful emotions. Don't hold it against yourself. Remember that if you didn't love her you wouldn't be hurt that she keeps letting herself go. It's possible to be angry at someone and still love them.

Unfortunatly, you can't really help her until she actually wants to get better and it's possible she feels that doing this to herself is the only way to get attention. (Which I'm sure isn't the case at all, but people are not always rational)

Of course, there's no easy solution, but just remember that it really is ok to feel the way you do and that if at any time you need to let it out, there's always someone here for you. *many hugs*
You'll be in my thoughts,
~Miriam

[Rayn13]

I'm with Zephii, you are NOT a bad person.

I think it's important to know that your sisters are there for you, feeling similar to, loving you. Don't be afraid to ask them for help.

good luck
-hug-

[Cunae]

I would file for disability as quickly as possible if she's not already on retirement. They can make payments retro 24 months, which would kick in medicare, and it sounds like she has been this way for a while.

Don't beat yourself up. The fact that you are in such pain shows that you are a loving daughter in a terrible situation.

I wish you peace and wisdom as you help her pull out of dark place.

MC

[wrenjamin]

aw, hun :hugz:

I will agree with the other's - you are not a bad person at all.

My SO's mom is an alcoholic and I've watched him struggle with many of the same issues for years. You are not a bad person for wishing it was "over", one way or another. What I've learned through proximity with my MIL is that you cannot help someone who is not willing to get help.

That being said, if she is willing to get help (or at least, to let you and your sisters get her help), I would get in touch with an addictions place in your county, assuming they exist. There are generally some sort of social services they can offer. Also, would she do a residential rehab? My MIL is in one now that can last up to a year and a half, and her state insurance pays for it, too. At the very least you would have peace of mind for a little while...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

:hugz:

[Clair de la Lune]

I am so sorry you are going through this. My family is going through this with an Aunt of mine right now, and the only thing we can do since she refuses to take care of herself is move her from assisted living, to a state-funded nursing home.

I don't know if this gives you any ideas or not.

Good luck and I am here for you if you need to talk.

I will keep you in my prayers! :hugz:

Blessings,
Clair

[alwaysfallingup]

Do you think she would qualify for any kind of in-home care or respite care? I would call your local community action agency to see what is available in her area.

In the meantime, don't feel guilty, take care of yourself, and see if there are any caregiver support groups or classes in your area for you to get some support for yourself.

[amazonkls]

Thanks for all the advise. Much of it is very sound - if the state and county will kick in again for her. They were very nice coming to her rescue the first two times that she went through treatment, and with the budget cuts being the way they are she may not "qualify" under the new guidelines. We can but see.

She is now in a respite care facility undergoing evalutation. When I went to see her on Saturday I couldn't tell that there was a person. My eyes saw a person who looked like my mom only not taken care of. My soul didn't feel another person - her soul is so buried that it felt like a not-unexpected death. That's the only way I can think to describe it.

Right now her healing is in her hands. And I'm OK with that. I felt when this community kicked in - it was wonderful realizing that my raven messenger friends were no longer around. The "death" has occurred. I really hope that her soul will be unbound to return to life in her physical body. As much as I would like to I cannot influence it, that this time it needs to start within her and that she needs to work with her spirit guides. And no matter the outcome I do love her, and I will take care of myself - because I firmly know that I am loved within and without.

You folks are great!

[Calli]

It sounds like you are in a healthy place. That's awesome! I agree that you're not a bad person, and a whole lot better than those who sacrifice their own emotional well-being in these situations. I know it's an unpopular view in our society, but I don't think it's noble to let someone else drag you down with them. Not noble, just sad. Being new here, I don't know if you have a family of your own who needs you, but if you do, that's important, too.

I hope your mom can get some kind of help. She's in a really bad place, and helping herself is probably way too overwhelming. I feel for her. It sounds like she needs some sort of inpatient program. I don't think she can take care of herself right now.

As for you, have you ever tried Al-Anon? I found a lot of help there, even though alcohol wasn't really an issue in my life. Alcoholic personalities, yes. The actual substance is one generation removed, so was not directly affecting me. They didn't care, but welcomed me with open arms. The tools I learned there have applied to so many situations. You might want to consider it.

Whatever happens, good luck to you, and stay strong for yourself. Sounds like you already know how to do that. :thumbsup: