Mors's Thoughts and Altar

[Mors]

Beloved Thanatos, Lord of Sacred Transformation, hear my words:
Grant me Strength so that I may face my inner demons. Let my mind be open, so that I may accept them, so that I may be whole. Let me emerged safely from the depths of the fathomless ocean that is me; guide me as I do so. I strive to be perfect ---and thus, I denied aspects of myself. All this time I've been hiding behind a fake mask, designed to impressed other people. The flaws I denied might be hidden, but still, they're a part of me.
Grant me Courage, so that I may face my hidden fears and overcome them. I fear of failing; I'm too afraid to fly although I can reach the heavens with my wings. I denied it that everyone must go through trial and error process; that nobody can fly at first try. I fear of imperfection; that if I failed to do something or failed to be "perfect", people would disappointed or that they won't admired me anymore. All my life I've been striving for shallow things ---power, admiration, superiority, and I denied it because it could ruin my "perfect" image.
Grant me Temperance, so that I could control my anger and hate, against those who opposed or insulted me. Let me always remember, O Great One, that they aren't worth my time.
Grant me Wisdom, so that I may choose the right path in the crossroads of Life. Grant me Wisdom, so that I may mastered the Knowledge I have obtained.

Your guidance I need, in the times of confusion. Your hand I seek, in the Dark Night of the Soul.

Thank you for everything You gave me, I revered them all, no matter how small they are. May I have the Strength to stand at my own feet; no matter how hard the Earth shakes, may I never judged people easily, may I be whole, may I retain my motivation, and may I always remember and honored You.

Eucharisto para poli.

[Mors]

Beloved Thanatos, philos,
I haven't faced my inner demons yet ---a part of me still don't want to acknowledge them yet. Am I not ready? or am I not strong enough? Illuminate my way so that I may found the answer.
I asked for Your blessings to a small altar I erected for You today. It's very improper comparing to what You have done for me, but for now I can't do more, please forgive me. I hope You approved it.
I'm feeling great today, there's not much I can say about that, but I thanked you for granting my wish.

Eucharisto para poli.

[Mors]

Lord of Necessity, He Whom Is Always Alone,
Today I reflected a bit. So much has happened in my short life, and sometimes I wondered why I could survived. I got no one to rely on at that time except myself, (almost) everybody hate me, I feel worthless and eventually I isolate myself from the world.
I was a lone wolf, isolated and lonely. I was a monster, hateful and ignorant. I remembered that time when I just felt angry at the world; at society; at the system.
Another "catastrophe" occured and I changed again. I changed into a person who tried to be perfect and repressed her emotions and fears. I had the Strength to faced my fears, but I got no gut to face my flaws. Other times I just felt so superior, as if I'm the greatest creation the Gods has ever made.
I am ashamed of myself. Not because of my flaws, of my inner demons, but because of my arrogance. Even now I'm still think I'm better than most people.
I am also confused. So many paths in Life, which one should I choose?.
And I feel like I'm losing my Life's True Path. I don't know what my purpose it. I feel useless.
The Winds of Change blow in my way again, but this time, I am afraid. I'm afraid that I may take the wrong way and failed. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid that I may fly too close to the Sun, get burned and never reborn.
I want to be a Phoenix, but I'm too afraid to face my fears.

I need Your guidance, Great One. Without your aid, I would be drowned in the sea of Life.

Eucharisto para poli.

[Mors]

Dark Father,
Thank you for the enlightenment You gave me. It only revealed a bit of something behind Mystery's curtain, but still I appreciated it. I know now that Your first gift is the gift of Silence; to share things without words spoken; to keep some things in secrecy and privacy. I can create balance in my world now ---all this time I've been a very talkative person. You teach me how to "think more, talk less". There's still much to solve, but I will try my best.
You hated my arrogance and my impatience ---again, I will try my best to change it.

But why is she haunting me? In my dreams, in my thoughts. She's a part of my past that I want to discard. Maybe because I still couldn't accept the fact? or should I ask forgiveness from her?.
And how about him? did I still loved him?.
I want to accept and forget my past. I want to move on. But why can't I?

The answer is somewhere inside myself...I need Your guidance to find it, Dark Father.

Eucharisto para poli.

[Mors]

Dark Father,
Today I feel sad. Because of a weapon called: Discrimination. Why humans keep judging each other unjustly? After years and years of thinking, I just couldn't find the answer. And they justify their acts in the name of religion. In the name of their people. In the name of their race. In the name of their clique. The World and Life is unfair, and from unfairness born justice, but what justice could be born from Discrimination's womb?. I've been a victim too, they discriminate me so many times I lose count. They want me to be like them, but I can't, because I am what I am, and I wouldn't change it. And I hope that You guide me so I can thread carefully through Life, and shine like the star I always wished to be. I cursed them, Great One, for the things that they have done to me. I haven't forgotten, no, instead I wait for the right time to strike back. And what could be better than Success and Achievement of One's Dreams?.
But sometimes I wondered, should I be that patient?.

And my parents, Blessed Them, I love them; like a good child should, but they can't see the world through other perspective. They couldn't see the world through my eyes. Maybe nobody could. I only hoped that they could open their eyes, eventually...
How much longer do I have to wait? I couldn't wait to fly high and soar to the stars. But You want me to wait, so I will wait.

Help me to rise from the ashes, philos. I'm going down in flames...

[Mors]

Great Destroyer,
I feel irritated by my classmates' actions. I tried my best to ignored them and be strong, but after a while...it's starting to get in my nerve. I want to start a fight, I want to stand my ground, but I can't. Not because of their numbers, however, but because of my position. If I hurt them back, they would make it all worse ---and I don't know if my friends will stand up for me. I can't do anything. I'm stuck and I'm hurt. Please, make him taste the taste of his own medicine. And open his friends' eyes ---that I do them no harm, that it's his doings. I want him to suffer, a lot more worse than I do. I endured this hate and pain for 3 years.

I want to make a change, O Great One, in this world. Not everything is terribly wrong, however, some of them are needed. I know that the world would never be perfect ---but at least I can make it better than now. I want to bring change; in peace, in perfect love and trust. But how can I do that?.

[Mors]

Dark Father,
With each passing day he destroyed my spirit; he shattered my soul. I'm trying to be strong ---I hold back my tears and held my head high. But I think 3 years is enough; I had my limits. Please help me. I beseech You, help me. Get him out of my Life. Or bound him so he couldn't hurt me or other people anymore.
I have nobody now ---the ones I love may still there, but I don't think they would understand. I changed now, I'm not the same person they knew. Even I feel like I'm losing myself. No human would understand me like You do, Father. I stand alone again, is this my Fate?.

Your touch changes, Your touch transforms.
I need Your hand, I need Your guidance.

[Mors]

Philos,
Today was not so bad. I could face him today; thank you for the Strength You gave me. I also found some light in my Path, I'm not so confused anymore. I'm going to win this battle ---and present the victory for You.
I dedicate a picture for You today, although it wasn't me who created it. It was my friend's. I hope You approved it.

Let me shine like the star I always wished to be; let me emerged from the ashes as a radiant phoenix. Illuminate my path with Your wisdom.

Eucharisto para poli.

[Mors]

Thanatos, Winged God of Eternal Rest,
Today I suffered from my Thirst. And I can't get a donor because none of my friends are willing. Some days I'm thinking about quitting and be a normal person but I couldn't, because this is a one way road. There's no cure for this too because this is what I am. Psi feed didn't satisfy me ---I need blood. I am famished. What should I do?
But I am also happy because finally I know what is the root of my problems ---of the tugging in my soul. Thank You for Your guidance and enlightenment.

Everyday is a celebration of Life ---my Life, but You are the reminder of my mortality. You are the reminder that one day I will shed this flesh whom I'm so proud of. On the time of my departure, I wish that You're the one who will take me.

Give me Strength so I may pass my trials, and teach me Your wisdom.