buttercup's altar

[buttercup]

Thank you, Great Ones, for autumn. This time of year always make me.....content. That's the best word for it. I have always loved this time of change. The change of colors, of temperature, of clothing. It is a time for burrowing into the comforts of home, to cuddle up into our mittens and scarves and big soft sweaters; to bake for the pure enjoyment of seeing others enjoy what you've created and watching them come in from the cold and wet to the smells and warmth of home. Now is the time that I find it easiest to assess where I am, what I have and where I am going. My life doesn't slow down. I don't even know that I would really want it to. My thoughts and prayers simplify though. I find it easier to truly look at where I am on my journey and reevaluate. Grow. Change. I'm looking out now on a very gray afternoon. The wind is blowing the trees and you can almost feel the chill of the wind, hear the whispers in the leaves even from the inside of my office. I get such a charge from approaching storms. You can actually feel the building energy. I've often wondered why it doesn't make me restless. It makes me content; or maybe just content in restlessness.

This was supposed to be a thank you. Leave it to me to add a bunch of words down a different line of though! So...thank you! Sitting in Starbucks this morning it really hit me just how much I have to be thankful for. This time last year I was in a job I hated. I made a lot of money, but I hated it. I have definately traded a quite a bit for the job I love. Money is tighter, the atmosphere is more...rigid...(not the exact word I'm looking for, but oh well), but somehow it's worked out. I wake up excited to do something I believe in. Something that at the end of the day I say, "I made a difference!". It feels good to me. Stressing about paying the mortgage, that does not feel good. But somehow, it works itself out. Thank you for that. I have a home that feels comfortable to me. It adds to my stress, but it is mine. I have a great husband who still makes me laugh and who's hand I still reach to hold as we walk along the street...even after nine years of a not always easy marriage. I've two little girls who drive me mad most of the time even as they make my heart burst with love and laughter. I am healthier now at the age of 30 than I was when I was 20. Thank you. You give me the strength to continually search my soul, to change paths when I need to, to grow. You let me know when I've screwed up. And even though I worry and stress, especially about money, the fact is that I can sit and contemplate all this over a triple venti sugar free vanilla breve latte.
THANK YOU FOR THE SIMPLE AND THE GRAND BLESSINGS IN MY LIFE.

[buttercup]

*sigh* One person's joy is anothers sorrow. Loving autumn as I do I have a hard time understanding when others do not. Two good friends of mine are suffering from the lack of the suns light. It happens every year and I hope that the home light treatments they both have help them soon. Depression is hard to see in two such wonderful people. Mother, please wrap them in your arms and hold them through this time of darkness in their life.

I also ask for your blessings for two who are so close to my family's heart. Betrayal is never easy to get over. Betrayal by your wife and best friend is nearly impossible. And yet, somehow, someway, it seems as if it may work out. Please continue to give them both strength to look into themselves as well as into each other. If there is a way to come through stronger, light their way on that path. If not, give them strength to forgive each other and themselves and to start a new path. Also, please be with the other couple as they work on their marriage. They are now isolated since they are so far from their own families and had integrated themselves into a family that can no longer welcome them and stand by their own at the same time. I can only imagine they feel it strongly at this time. Give them both the strength to make the best decisions for each other and themselves. I hope she at least knows that our thoughts and prayers are with her. I told her. I believe she knows we care. But.....what can we do for her. I hate being so unable to help.

Thank you for yesterday. Guide me today. Lead me into tomorrow.

~buttercup

[buttercup]

*walks back to light a blue candle and white candle*

....for all those who need healing and hope in spirit

*softly sings the Prayer of St. Frances*.....

Make me an channel of Your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me bring your love;
Where there is injury, let me bring pardon;
Where there is doubt, true faith in you;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand; To be loved as to love with all my soul.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

[buttercup]

I wasn't sure I would keep up with this altar thing. But I have found myself looking forward to the time to sit and put words to my thoughts. I've had a lot churning in my head.

I have this tree outside that I planted in the spring. Now that I have my own yard I wanted something that I could watch grow and who's leaves would change into beautiful colors in the fall. I wanted to be able to go out with a rake and make a big pile with them just because they were there. Well, it's not gonna happen this year or probably next. I got a total of six little red leaves off of it this year.

I wasn't prepared for the protectiveness I felt for it though. For a tree of all things. Here I had planted this tree, watered it, watched it, tended to it. Now it sits naked in the back yard. Defenseless against the cold. This winter it will be weighted down with ice and snow and whipped about by the wind. I want to bring it in and keep it warm. Silly, huh.

But I know it needs this stage. It needs to shed what cover it has (scarce as it was), be battered by the elements, stand alone and naked. It's going to be a little bit bigger when spring begins to warm it again. It will be ready to hold a few more buds and to push itself higher to the sun. This is really a step in its growth and one that is right. Sometimes you have to loose everything to get what you need. You have to start over, empty of leaves to make room for the buds, the flowers, the bloom. It will happen over and over, season after season. It will grow with each year it dies and is reborn. It will be different and yet the same. The roots will dig themselves in just as the branches reach out.

And one year, I'll get a pile of leaves to content myself with.

Thank you, O Great Ones, for the lessons in the little things; for seeing these same cycles in my own life; for your constant presence; for death and for rebirth; for the wonderful book I started and finished last night and the coffee that will keep me going after staying up all night to read it.

[buttercup]

Yippee! It's Friday!! And better yet, it's Friday night.

Thank you for the opportunity to spend an afternoon with the girls from my previous job. I miss those gals so much!

Thank you for the friends who asked to keep the girls overnight.

Thank you for Victoria's Secret sales and for happening to walk past the perfect shirt....also on sale.

Thank you for bringing my honey home safely from his trip to Iowa and for his being able to change his flight to be able to get in earlier and go out tonight.

There's a wind and rain storm brewing outside. Hopefully, I'll be able to spend the day tomorrow cleaning and baking goodies before going to see Harry Potter!! Nothing like nesting at home with a nice storm outside the windows.

Please keep our group safe tonight as we go out and have a little fun and keep the girls safe at their friends house.

[Sagittarius]

MM buttercup,

What beautiful words. Thank you. They have touched my heart and helped me to reconnect to the subtleties and colour of the changing season.

Love Peace and Light to you.

BB,

Sagittarius.

[buttercup]

*lights a candle*

Please comfort Elizabeth. Just as soon as she allows herself to start really caring about her boyfriend...he decides he isn't ready for a serious relationship. Men. He was the one to come on so strong with the "I always knew one day I would fall in love at first sight" line and asking to meet her son because he felt slighted that she didn't want introduce them too soon in case things didn't work out. We're going to go drown her sorrows over a good bottle of Merlot (or two), but she needs healing. Please embrace her as her anger fades to hurt. May the path through the pain be short and may there one day be someone worthy of such a wonderful woman waiting on the other side.

One more request. Please give me strength. I am still trying to keep up my enthusiasm for my job. I love it. It really sucks though to pick up the piddly paycheck they give me every two weeks. I wish I wasn't as stuck on that as I am; it doesn't help that by taking this job I lost more than half of my previous salary. When I made the choice to do it I knew I would have to make adjustments to how we live. It's so much easier on paper and as an idea in my head though. This is a part of me I don't like to see. When did keeping up a certain lifestyle become so important to me? I like to shop. I like to go out. I like to do what I want when I want. But when you make the decision to leave a job you hate but that pays really well and go to a job that fullfills you but can't afford to pay you, you have to make some sacrafices. Help me to do that. It seems the more I need to save money, the more I want to spend.

Oh, well. We learn what we are meant to learn from experiences we are meant to experience.

Please guide me today to do what is needed tomorrow.

[buttercup]

You know, I just received an email from a friend who lost their job. Strike the previous job ramble.

*bows her head*

Thank you for the opportunity to take the job I wanted when it was available.
Thank you for the paycheck I pick up instead of the pink slip.
Thank you for showing me what I needed to see at just the right time.
Thank you for the fact that I can make my own choices as to where and when I work.
And thank you for the knowledge that although I may not have everything I want, I have a hell of a lot more than many, less than some, but probably exactly what I need.

Thank you for the smack upside my whiny head.

[buttercup]

"Change is good. Change is good. Change is good."

I'm just going to keep saying that until I believe it. I like to think I'm a go-with-the-flow and roll-with-the-punches girl but I'm just not. I'm going to try to work on that.

For the third payday in a row, my husband's raise has not been activated. His boss, the owner of the company, swore he had made the appropriate changes after the last time. Well, it hasn't happened. The guy is a flake. We have come to realize he is also not trustworthy. This job was the answer to many of our prayers two years ago, but I really feel he's getting a nudge to move on. He has been promised so much here but little of it has manifested. So...he's meeting with a consulting firm he has worked with through the company right now. He's not a man who takes his commitments lightly and I know he had a hard time calling in a personal day today to meet with some potential employers.

~I pray that You guide him in his decisions and strengthen his resolve to find what he deserves as well as what he needs.~

The good thing is that his salary at his current job (even with the raise) is so far below industry standard that he won't have any problem getting a far better salary. He could easily more than double it. But I know he has put his heart and soul, not to mention a lot of time, into this company for the possibilities he felt it had. I think the loss of that dream will be what hurts.

~I pray that You soften that blow and provide him with the vision to build new dreams.~

And on a totally selfish rant...

Let him be offered a great salary, generous sign-on bonus, immediate benefits, etc. so he can walk in to work, put in his notice and let his boss figure out how to pull off 4 hospital installs at the beginning of the year with no project manager, no one to put in front of the CEO, CFO, or CIO, and no one to send in to make the difficult clients happy. *takes a breath*

Okay, not nice. But, maybe being left without him is what his boss needs. Maybe its HIS turn to learn a lesson. I know I've had my share of life lessons hit me where it hurt.

~I pray that it goes well this afternoon~

[buttercup]

We have just come out of Thanksgiving weekend and I am exhausted! I feel like I need a break from the break. The long weekend was so packed full of activities that I never really sat down to think of all I have to give thanks for. So, Great Ones, thank you for......

~ a weekend spent in Seattle with my family
The hotel was wonderful, the food great, and I didn't have to clean up dishes all weekend!
~ my children and husband
I am continually humbled at the love and devotion these three people bring to my life. Thank you for their presence in my life, the lessons they bring, and the laughter they share.
~ friends
I am so blessed with the people in my life. Thank you for my friends, both old and new, who enrich my life.
~ my home
It's hard to believe that his house has been my home for only 9 months. Last year we were wondering if we would ever have our own house. Now, we are in a home we love. Thank you for the opportunities along our path.
~ our jobs
In a time when many people have lost their jobs and so much more, we are blessed to have decent jobs with good futures. Thank you for the blessings we have and the reminders in our lives that keep our problems in perspective.
~ our country
I do not always agree with what goes on with those that lead our country. But because I live here I have that right. I can voice that. This weekend I was explaining to our girls what the demonstrators in downtown Seattle were doing and what it meant. They can not fathom the fact that in some countries you will die for what they were watching. Thank you for the freedoms I have and for the rights I sometimes take for granted.
~ our soldiers
My husband is an army reservist who has been called to active duty in the past and who currently has members of his unit deployed around the world. Again, I may not always agree with what they are sent out for. However, they and the many active and reserve soldiers in this country give of themselves in ways many of us do not. Thank you for those who serve, especially those whose service will take them away from their families this year.
~ the little miracles
Thank you for the spectacular sunrise in the morning when I wake up grumpy.
Thank you for the rise of the wind when my energy is low.
Thank you for guiding me along my path and gently turning the path when needed.
Thank you for those in my life who teach me.
Thank you for the little tree I planted this year whose very existence outside my window has opened my mind and soul to the simple lessons in life.

[buttercup]

Help me to say no sometimes. I seem to have missed out on the gene that allows me to say that when someone asks for a volunteer. Or maybe I was given too much of the jump-up-and-say-yes gene. Either way, I've once again gone and stretched myself too thin. I am going to stop. Really. I've allowed myself to get to the point that by the time I get home to my family I have nothing left to give. I'm short tempered and ready to fall into bed before I have sat down to enjoy my home and loved ones. I am going to take a half an hour in the mornings after the girls are off to school to sit and meditate. It makes a difference in my day and I feel so much more connected to myself and the world around me, to You, when I do. I feel that in all the chaos I've allowed to surround me that I have lost my center. And I need my center.

*lights a candle for health and healing*
I pray for your healing and your strengh for Michael and his family. They have been so strong since he was diagnosed with Leukemia and I can see it wearing on them all. His chemo is going well, but I know that the stress of everything going on coupled with the holidays is taking a toll. It is so hard to see a little six year old go through this even as an outsider. I can't imagine what it is like for them. Please continue to guide the family and give them strength. Help Michael's little body withstand the rigors of his treatments and allow it to heal him. And be with the entire school community as they pull together to assist the family in any way they need.


Thank you for the blessings of health and happiness in my life. May I use them to bring the same to others.

[buttercup]

Please be with my little one and help her get over this nasty cold she has. May she get a good nights sleep and wake up tomorrow not sore from coughing all night. She is worried that she won't be able to get her ballet pictures done tomorrow for her Nutcracker production. I'm afraid that if she isn't doing much better tomorrow afternoon that she'll be right. Explaining to an eight year old who has been looking forward to this all year that their health comes first isn't easy. So, please help her to be better.

On a happier note, while she was sleeping earlier I got the Christmas lights up outside. Well, the ones in the yard and on the trees anyway. My dear husband gets the fun job of getting them up on the house. I'm so pleased with how they turned out and can really feel the spirit of the season right now. The tree is up and decorated and I've been making hot cocoa for the girls for breakfast in the morning. There has been this really neat fog in the mornings that rolls back in early evening and gives the streets an insulated feeling. The lights glow in it. I love this time of year and the feelings it brings out in me.
The cold and the bareness of late fall/early winter is beautiful to me in its simplicity and lessons. The end of life and looking forward and preparing for new life. The reminder that life is cyclical - dark turns to light - cold to warm - scarcity to abundance. It is something that I didn't feel or at least take active notice of until I took a pagan path. Winter was cold. I liked bundling up and going out to the Christmas light displays and getting warm with a cup of coffee. But I didn't feel a connection to the season and the cycles. I wasn't reminded of a connection to everything around me when I walked outside and felt the chill or saw an orchard of naked trees. This path has changed how I feel about the simplest of things.
For my journey, I am grateful. Thank you. For finding my center again, I am grateful. Thank you. For the gifts and the blessings in each day, for the simple lessons you bring to me and for the great ones that plop into my lap, I am thankful. Thank you.

[buttercup]

Thank you, Mother, for helping her to get over her cold. Did you have to give her all that energy along with her health though? I swear that she is making up for the days of being sluggish by having twice the energy now. It's good that she will be back to herself soon; somewhere in between where she was and where she is now!

[buttercup]

New life. It never ceases to amaze me. A very close friend of mine had a baby two days ago and I had the chance to see him today. Little tiny finger and toes, peach fuzz on the cheeks, the smell of baby lotion....what's not to love about newborn babies? Just a few days ago I felt this precious child kicking from inside his mom. Amazing.

My prayer for this child:

Please watch over this little baby as he adjusts to his new world. Let the love of his parents and siblings be a constant comfort. The next few months will be so important for him. The things he learns and the experiences he has will never be remembered by him. But let those of us who surround him never forget them. May his life be a reminder to each of us that life is fragile, it is short, and it can change in a moment. He comes into a world that can so often seem full of pain and suffering. Let his life remind us of the beauty and miracles we experience everyday but are running by so fast that we do not notice.

As he grows, please protect him and nurture his soul. May those who love him do the same. I pray that he know the comfort of love as well as the discipline of love that he may learn right from wrong. Allow him to learn from those lessons and make them his own. May he grow to love as much as he is loved.

Guide him to his way, his purpose, his path. May his journey be one of light and joy. May he light the way for others. When his path is blocked or rocky or difficult, give him strength and fortitude. I pray that he may always come through those times a stronger and more fulfilled person.

And finally I ask that as this child grows and ages that he be remembered as one who has followed his heart and changed the lives of others; that he be known as a man with a good and solid heart; that he be remembered as one who was not only loved by all, but one that loved with all he is.

This is my prayer for a very special child.

[buttercup]

For the first time in twelve years I am anticipating Christmas break!! The exchange for low pay at a small private school is the joy of vacations.

After today, at 12:01, I don't go back to work until January 7th. Thank you for this upcoming break!

[buttercup]

Three times I have sat down to put my feelings into words and twice I had to get up and go. It's funny to me that all my life I have tried to write down what I feel and have never been able to keep it up and yet I felt the desire to come here and do it. I still have to be able to make sense of my jumbled emotions before I can do it though. I've thought on the reason for that and it's helped me to look into myself a little deeper. I am not a person who can deal with painful or traumatic events until I have some control over them. I can't sit still enough to even write of them. The blessing to me is that I am able to now.
I can't remember a worse Christmas than this one. It's sad really that the results of a single day can do so much harm, but they can. They have. My fathers petty temper tantrums and desire to stike out at me have reached much farther than I believe he expected. I don't think he would hurt my girls with forethought, but hurt them he did. I'm a 30 year old woman with more than a little experience at this....they are 6 and 8. Strike out at me - fine. But the moment it extends to the girls it is a whole different story. His family did not stand for him when he was young. My mother did not stand for me. I WILL stand for my children.
It's so easy to get upset right now. Still, days later, it is easier to get upset than to allow the pain to work its way to the surface. The decisions that have been made in the wake of everything that happened are not going to be forgotten and the reasons for those decisions will not matter to him. I have never met a person who can hang on to a grudge quite as well as he can. I pray that the situation can resolve itself but I fear that it won't. I feel as if I am on a path that closes itself off with every step that is taken forward. I look back and see no other course that could have been taken but one that also allows for no retreat, no way back. My prayer is that the road I am on and the one they are on will one day meet again in a better place. I pray that time and life will allow for a climate of reconciliation and understanding - on both sides.
For now, I am trying to put this out of my mind and enjoy the vacation time I have with the kids. I don't have to return to work for another week and with my parents out of the country on vacation there is nothing I can do to fix things. There I go again - I am the eternal fixer. I can not fix what is happy to be broken. He says he is too old to change. He's 50! He says he is the way he is and if anyone doesn't like it - screw them. I feel for him. Honestly I do. But just as I do, he makes a decision everyday to be the person he wants to be when he steps out of bed. He know he hurts people but he believes we should all just accept it as part of who he is. I used to be able to do that and say "It's just dad. He doesn't mean it." But I won't teach my children to accept that. I won't have them braced for the next temper tantrum or bad mood he has while grabbing for every scrap of positive attention or acceptance he has to dole out on the good days. I've done it too long and it hurts. I won't teach them to do the same, no matter what it brings.
I said I'm putting out of my mind, didn't I? I will. It will remain in my heart, but I will put it out of my mind. No better way to put away the self pity than to concentrate on the blessings we have.

We are about to enter a new year and that is a wonderful time to anticipate and work for the good in our lives and the lessons and blessings we will encounter.

Loving Mother and Father - I thank you for the blessings in my life. The big ones such as a wonderful husband, my children, a beautiful home and the ability to work and enjoy them all. The little ones such as the power of the wind storms that have helped me maintain my strenth, the beauty of the sunrise and the glimpse of the moon through the tree in my yard. Thank you for the friends in my life who have become my family. I pray that I may know and follow the path I need, if not the one I want; that I may use wisdom and love to guide my decisions; that the lessons of my journey help me to grow into the one I am meant to be and what I am meant for to others.

**buttercup lights a white and a blue candle and sits to listen to her heart and the whispers in the wind**

[buttercup]

Thank you for hope in new beginnings and wisdom gained in the paths we have walked.

[buttercup]

"Look farther than at that which is in directly in front of you."

I was looking for guidance today as I meditated and this came to me. I thank You for the reminder and the direction.

As I sit to ponder this I realized that many of the problems I have made for myself have been due to a lack of ability to look beyond the moment. I like immediate gratification whether it be in work, love, or money. I've have improved in some areas as I have grown older, but I still see it manifest itself in so many ways. I don't know if that is what was meant by the message, but it is what hit me first. When I heard those words I really felt as if something important was opened up to me and I intend to continue to reflect on it.

Thank You again for the light on my path.

[buttercup]

The past month has been one of such contradictions. On one hand I have been so incredibly stressed out! I finally called my doctor to see about getting something to sleep because waking up at 2am, 3am, 4am, and then just getting up because I'm not sleeping is not cutting it anymore. My moods have been much more volatile than normal and although it feels like I'm being weak I have to acknowledge the effect I'm having on my family. I hardly ever take an aspirin when I have a headache! I'm really not liking the idea of taking something to help even out my moods or help me sleep. Hopefully Monday I'll have some resolution as to what I can do to make things better. I just wish this sense of failure didn't come along with it. I pray for the strength to walk into the doctor on Monday.

On the other hand, I have also been looking at how incredibly You have blessed my life. From the moment I wake to the sunrise until I gaze up into the stars each evening I can't help but be humbled at the beauty and abundance I have all around me. Each day as I rise the day is a little brighter than the last. I love autumn and the shorter days but right now I am ready for the birth of spring. And there it is. This morning there was a blanket of fog outside that was really beautiful and misty. Then the day broke into such a sunny afternoon! Although the cold was still there to remind us that spring has not yet bloomed, the promise of it is here. It's in the sun and the bulbs sprouting in the yard. It's in the sunrise that greets me now when I wake up and the sunset that is a little more hesitant to come as the days pass.

As I sat in my car this afternoon and really noticed the beauty of the day I thought about what a great life I have. I have vision to see the beauty of the day, I have a beautiful home, a wonderful family, a job I love, money in my pocket and friends who are loyal and trustworthy. I have You gently (and sometimes not so gently) guiding me. Although I sometimes don't know where this path leads I do know that I will always learn something. I am growing. That is really the biggest blessing of all. I thank You for that and so much more.

Please help me to focus more on the gifts I have in my life that I might be able to channel my energy to the positive aspects of my life rather than dwelling on those things that bring stress and upset. Help me to continue to look forward to see the larger picture that I might not get caught up in the little details that sometimes seem so big.

Thank you for the strength and wisdom and insight I receive when I least expect it but need it most. May I always hear You when you speak.

[buttercup]

It has been quite a while since I've been here. Too long. I've been so wrapped up in all that has been going on in my life that I have neglected to slow myself down and be connected to anything other than all the little fires that need to be put out. Right now I make the commitment to myself and to You to right myself.
Reading back over the last entry I can see how drastically a small turn can make in ones life. For probably the first time in my life I think I may have found what "feeling normal" is. Thank You for the strength to walk through the door and take control of my life.
For the last two months I have really not had my quiet time, time to reflect and connect with You. I am bringing that back today. I'm so excited! There is something missing deep within me that I reach when I routinely sit and listen for Your guidance and friendship. I have missed that quite a bit. Please open my heart and soul to Your love and direction.
Part of the reason for the distance I have had in my life from so many things recently is the impending departure of my love. He is leaving this Sunday and that has been hard to deal with. So much of me has been wrapped up in getting every moment possible with him before he deploys. Please watch over him as he goes through the next two months.
I pray for our family that he is able to come home after those two months, but if he isn't able to, please continue to guard him so that he remains safe and comes home to us. I pray also for all of the other servicemen and women who are deployed around the world. May there be a swift resolution and as many come back to their families as possible. I pray for ALL of the families touched by war and terrorism around the world. May your loving hand caress and heal their wounds and their hearts. May your justice deal with those who bring about hatred and death. May your wisdom be upon those who lead us.

[buttercup]

Well, it's been a while again. My work schedule has been different, my honey has been gone, and I've been so darn tired. But, those slight hardships are about to pay off! Summer vacation is almost here - 6 weeks off! 16 days until I get to meet my husband in Vegas after a two month separation due to military duties! And I may be tired - but I'm pregnant! I have so much to be thankful for! Thank You for the wonderful blessings in my life. I continue to be awed by the gifts of friendship, beauty, love, strength, family, health, guidance and faith I have been given.
As I offer my thanks, I also ask for help for some good friends. I pray for strength and hope for C&B. I pray for healing for Michael. And I pray for C&N, that they be able to weather the storm they find themselves in and find a new job quickly. And for me, I am so happy to be pregnant, but the anxiety and inability to sleep are back now that I am off my medication. I pray that my body is able to regulate itself durning this pregnancy and that finding a suitable medication for this time is not recommended. If it is, please guide me in the proper decisions for me, our baby, and our family. On May 31st, my honey and I will be meeting in Las Vegas. Please grant us a safe trip and a happy reunion. And if the morning sickness and fatigue are gone by then, I will be forever grateful!!

[buttercup]

I can hardly believe that it has been so long since I have written. So many things have happened. Looking back over the posts since I started last this last year, I can see that it is during those times that I feel most spiritually aware that I come here. Rereading what I wrote last fall is like reading my feelings as they are happening now. Fall is just such a magical time for me. It is when I find myself more at home within me.
I have to thank the gods for the fact that autumn is inching her way in right now. I need the strength. I dropped my husband at the airport on Tuesday for a year long deployment. It didn't really hit me until I was driving away with our daughters crying in the backseat that I would only see him a total of 12 days over the next year. I had been so busy trying to be sure everything was taken care of and that he was O.K and that the kids were O.K. that I simply had not absorbed it. I've been very adamant about not allowing myself to roll into a weeping ball of self pity, but I came pretty close. Then, when we got home my older daughter wanted to make pumpkin bread so we put on some comfy clothes and went to work in kitchen. Just as the smell was hitting us I looked outside and the rain began hitting the windows and the thunder started rumbling. A good old fashioned fall storm was coming through. It's amazing to me just how much that strengthend me. I've always loved storms, but the timing and feeling of this one was like a personal gift sent to me on a particulary bad day. I've had some close calls in the last couple of days when I have wanted to just let all the negative thoughts take over but I feel as if my core is back. I try to remember that there are many positives to our situation. He is relatively safe in Cuba as opposed to being in the Middle East; he'll be able to come back for 10 days around Christmas when our son is born; while we may be separated for a year, there are those who have been separated for the remainder of their life through death while we will be together at the end of next summer; all of our interest rates have dropped to 6% and we will be able to save some money thanks to the Soldiers and Sailors Act. I just need to write some of these things down and keep them in my wallet to remind me what is good when I'm feeling bad.
So, I send my prayers of thanks to the Divine. I thank You for my healthy family, especially for the continued health of our unborn son. I thank You for every day that brings our family closer to being together again. I thank You for the gifts all around us when we walk outside; for the beauty of autumn, the warmth of the sun, the chill of each morning, the sunrise and sunset, and the freshness of the air that this time of year brings. Thank You for all the comforts we enjoy such as our home, our vehicles, and although it feels like a necessity rather than a comfort, thank You for cold mornings with a warm cup of coffee at Starbucks. :fpraiseyo

Please comfort all of those who for whatever reason are separated from those they love and bring them back together safely.